One Day
by Raiden Amour
Summary: Roxas cuts himself. It's how he deals with his drunkard mother and her pedophile boyfriend, his life seems to be having more downs than ups and frankly- the end of his life seems closer and closer. But could one day change that all? Akuroku. Rox POV, Implied rape, molestation, cutting, self-harm, child abuse, attempted suicide, AU, bad parenting, and boy crushing on boy.
1. Chapter 1: One Reason

The Science Classroom was almost completely empty, the school itself was small, and there were only about five kids in the class- so of course there was a lot of empty tables and extra space. Corner seat in the back and closest to the second door was the one I had claimed as mine. Nobody except me knew that yet though because it was only my second day at the school and I had something like a social phobia so talking to strangers- even my own age- was something that just didn't happen.

Strangely enough I found the chair I shared a table with being pulled out and a person plopping down in said seat, he leaned close to me to look over my shoulder while I got a good look at his face tattoos. It was the second day of school but for some reason this was his first day- I had heard the girls (and a few guys) talking about him but when they said his hair was bright red and his eyes this glowing emerald color I figured contacts and dye or they were exaggerating. His eyes moved from looking at the paper in front of me to looking at my face, if he was surprised I was staring at him he didn't act it, "I like your bracelets," he motioned to his own wrists as he slowly pulled away from me to sit normally in his seat.

Looking down at my own wrists I took in my bracelets as if I had never seen them before- and man was there a lot of them. On each arm I had long black arm warmers that were pulled to my elbows while on top of that I wore neon green fishnet that only came halfway up my arms- _and then _on top of that I wore candi bracelets, thin chains that were supposed to be necklaces, leather bound by strings, and just a bunch of random bracelets. I'd counted before and I had around 15 bracelets on each wrist, "Oh, thanks," I forced a smile to be polite like my mother always told me.

"How long does it take to put them on in the morning?" he asked curiously, leaning a little closer yet again, "It doesn't," I said simply before I realized he might need a little more of an explanation. "I never take them off… well- except when I take a shower," I moved a little in my seat realizing that I was being extremely open with him- most people when they ask me a question I either give a straight yes or no answer or just don't answer them at all. He leaned closer again, practically against me as he inspected my bracelets- which for reasons he didn't know- made me a little nervous.

Without taking his eyes off my wrists he started talking again, "Yeah, my sister wears tons of bracelets- not as much as you, but they cover a good chunk of her arms," without a pause or even a breath he continued, "She cuts and hurts herself so she covers it all up with those gummy bracelets," he looked back up at me while practically leaning against me and again he caught me staring but didn't seem shocked, "But anyway, I'll let you get back to your drawing," he smiled and leaned back over to his side of the table, looking ahead for a few minutes I realized I should've said something like, "I'm sorry your sister does that," or "I don't do that," but my mind didn't think to come up with an apology or a lie.

Staring at the half filled paper in front of me I wondered if he actually admitted to himself that I cut my wrists (I hate saying that because it sounds so mental), or if he was just sharing with me. Either way I realized he knew something about me that I had never allowed anyone else to know about me- I'd been doing it for years and never once had anyone even assumed that I did- at least not to my knowledge. He knew something about me whether he realized it or not- but what really got me was the fact that the possibly he knew that I did it sat in the air and he still sat by me and still acted like there was nothing wrong with me.

And right there I realized- I, Roxas, wanted to get closer to this new boy named Axel.

**_I finally got around to redoing this story :D Any better yet?_**

**__**_**Fixed/Edited May 10, 2013**_


	2. Chapter 2: One Initiate

_**This takes place a two days before the first chapter.**_

I sat on my carpeted floor, going through things in my backpack just to make sure everything I wanted was there and everything I needed could be found- school started tomorrow. A simple three subject notebook that I would use for every class and a package of black ink pens was all that was inside before I zipped it shut and laid down on my floor next to it, staring at the whitish ceiling. I didn't want school to start yet- mostly because it was a new school and I didn't want the hassle but also because a lot of things had happened over the summer that didn't really make me feel like I had a break at all.

The phone rang in the living room, just down the hall from my room; it rang a good four times before my sister picked it up. She didn't say hello and she didn't acknowledge anyone was on the other end. I already knew who it was. No I don't have some super human power that allows me to tell, and I also don't have a phone in my room… I knew who was calling because there were only two people that my sister never said hello to.

One of the two was her boyfriend, who she had just broken up with… it was kind of my fault; well… it WAS my fault. They had been together ever since tenth grade- when they were 15, but when I moved in with my sister over the summer, Keyakku- her boyfriend wasn't that happy, and I argued with him a lot and Rikku took my side, so he left. My sister- Rikku is 24 now… they were together for almost ten years before I broke them up.

But I knew it wasn't him because he already called once today and my sister didn't want to feel like she was pressuring him or something so she told him he was only allowed to call once a day- which he'd already done. I guess they were trying to see if they could get back together but Rikku wanted him to clear his head first before he started rushing into things- my sisters amazing like that.

The person on the phone was my mother, Larxene. I rolled over to stare at the wall, I could hear Rikku arguing with her- trying to do so silently, but it wasn't working. "No, that's not-" she started but my mother must have cut her off, she continued hissing/whispering into the phone, "You need to get your shit together first," she was cut off again, "I take after my mother- I don't ask, I tell." and I could hear the slam as she hung the phone up.

Rikku softly walked down the hall and knocked quietly on my door, pushing my door open slowly when I didn't respond, she didn't say anything but sat on my bed as I continued to stare at the wall. After a few minutes she spoke, "Rox… you have to talk to her at some point…" I rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling again, "I did… remember?

"She yelled at me, called me a liar, smacked me, grabbed me by the hair and tried to drag me back with her." It flowed out of my mouth with no emotion; Rikku let out a sigh but didn't say anything. She knew what happened- she was there. The way my mother was acting was nothing out of the ordinary; she was always controlling and selfish… I didn't want to think about it anymore.

"I'm going to get in the shower," I said quietly to Rikku, pushing myself to stand up, I walked out of my room and as I began to shut the bathroom door it was held open. Looking back I saw Rikku moving closer to me, wrapping me in a hug. "I won't make you go back Rox, not while her boyfriend's still there… you're my little brother," she held me tighter, "I'm glad you came to me… just don't forget that I do care about you and if something's bothering you then you can talk to me, okay?"

I stood in the shower for almost forty minutes, just staring, I hated my mother. As soon as I thought that I took it back, I didn't hate her. It was just… sometimes- most of the time, she just wasn't_ my _mother, but instead the same careless person she was when she was a teenager.

Sitting on the toilet lid I stared at my wrist, the scabs had rubbed off from all the water but there were still scars and light red lines. Grabbing a razor I held it against my skin, my heart racing in panic of the pain I knew I was going to cause, I had the blade flat at first but my fingers were getting sweaty and I felt like I was going to panic. I pressed the corner of the blade against my skin instead of having it flat and ripped it across my wrist.

It sounded just like when you slide a knife or blade over paper, it has the flat scrapping sound, and I watched as within a few seconds small beads of blood formed, I took a small wad of toilet paper and pressed it against the beads, watching as the paper absorbed the blood. Dried blood after all is annoying to get off.

Ripping the blade across my wrist two more times I decided to let it be, putting the razor back into my wallet I slid on my boxers, my undershirt, my pants, and my shirt. Pulling on my wrist bands quickly, if you expected it to hurt- pulling the fabric over the cuts, it doesn't, what does hurt is twisting the wrists bands around when it's on your wrist. But I didn't do that.

This was all so routine- the cutting, it had been habit now for far too long but never in any of these years had the thought of stopping ever crossed my mind. Nor had the thought of my cutting- to myself or anyone around me- seemed harmful.

Rikku made spaghetti for dinner, we ate in silence in the living room as we watched a funny movie, and it had the whole sappy ending about being with family at the end, which of course made me start to think about my own problems.

Rikku and I have always been close, mostly because we were always in foster care (we both hated it), sometimes we were given to the same family other times we weren't so lucky, but that just made Rikku want to keep things straight when we were with our mother because she didn't want us to go back in the system. After she turned eighteen she left, my mother seemed okay at the time but a few months later and I was in foster care again.

Not for very long though, that was the last time I was in foster care, after that I stayed with my mom and I turned to lying and hiding so the government wouldn't take me away. My mother was always with guys and sometimes girls and it was nothing new that they liked to hit me and my sister around, but her last boyfriend was a little more touchy at times…

He would hit me and then come in in the middle of the night just to rub the bruise, I didn't think anything was wrong with it- sure it seemed really messed up, but I just ignored it till he tried to get me to take drugs. I fought with him, and mind you- we were still in his house, so I found it a bit strange that he was carrying lube and a condom around in his pocket... yeah.

That was how I wound up here, I told Rikku about it and she picked me up within the hour, I didn't tell my mother at first… but when I did that was when she yelled at me and hit me and all that jazz.

Taking Rikku's and my own dish I took them to the sink and washed them, I really didn't want to go to school tomorrow.

_**So in all honesty I didn't really change all that much with this chapter but I still (kinda) went through and fixed it **_

_**Fixed/Edited: May 10, 2013**_


	3. Chapter 3: One Adoration

School has always been complicated- especially the first day, teachers decided whether I'm rude or just _misunderstood_ while students set their goals to hate me or be overly nice to me. Within a few minutes at being at the school I realized this wasn't you're cut and dry school- my sister had signed me up for an Alternative School, and in all honesty- I think that was a fucktastic move. The school was only four hallways and there was less than 70 kids, teachers, and office people, we were each given a teacher- which we called all our teachers by their first name instead of their last, and that person would be our 'Family Group Leader'.

Our Family Group Leader would talk to us more than normal teachers, they would take us out of classes so we could go on individuals- which might mean we go and talk in the teacher's room about our grades and class plans or we take their car to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and talk about our home life. Even though I wouldn't be very open with my family group teacher I knew I liked this school more already. She told me where my classes would be and she said she'd offer me any help I wanted- but the individuals were necessary, every Tuesday and Thursday the last half hour of the day were family group and we would get together- the teacher, about 6 other kids, and myself.

But Family Group Leaders also had to take us out of a class for at least half of the class once a week just to check in on us. This all seemed a little smothering to me, but then during first class when I actually met the other kids I realized why that was- while most kids were in foster care at the moment almost all were obsessed with drugs (and a few recently recovered from cutting). Yeah, this was a school I could like going to. The other students, even though we dressed differently, listened to the same music as me and enjoyed the same things (even though they didn't know we had those in common because I hadn't opened up to them).

Overall the day was nice, the school was laid back and they trusted us more as human beings rather than troubled little children like most schools treated us. They still tried to play nice to get me to talk- which I did, surprisingly. I'd been at my last school for almost 2 years and never once had I said anything- and the first day here I've already said more than I have at the last two schools in the past 3 years.

It's not that I don't like talking, it just never seems like they really expect an answer out of me and I don't like talking out of turn, I feel like I'm going to fuck something up or interrupt someone and just embarrass myself in the process. Around people like my sister though- I can laugh and joke and be a total tard and not care because I know she'll see me the same. So it's kinda obvious I don't make friends easily.

Rikku's house was about a mile from the school so I found myself walking home, but as I got closer to our house I saw a raggedy cream beige car horribly parked out front, the car was pulling away though so I hid behind the neatly trimmed hedges in front of this house. My mother pulled away from the curb quickly and sped away in the opposite direction. Fear washed over me as I thought about what my mother could've done to Rikku, I ran the rest of the way home while trying not the freak out about Rikku's safety.

"Rikku?" my voice was shaky as I slowly walked into the house, sliding my bag off and setting it quickly on the floor as I walked further in the house, "In here," I heard her reply and instantly I felt calmer, I walked less quietly to the kitchen and found Rikku busing herself with papers on the counter with her back to me. "How'd school go?" her voice didn't seem out of the ordinary but that didn't mean anything, "It was good… really good…" walking closer to her hesitantly, I stopped next to her as I saw the tears flowing down her cheeks. "What's wrong Rikku?" my voice was quiet but I knew she could hear me just fine, she raised up her hand, wiping a tear and then waving said hand, "Nothing's wrong," her voice shook- which didn't help her lie, turning around quickly she stared in the direction I had just walked in from. "She just… irritates me so much, I, I just," she was looking up in an attempt to stop her tears.

Watching her try to get herself together made me feel like shit- I should've been here to talk to mom, I should've been the one to deal with her bullshit, and that's when I noticed the red mark on Rikku's cheek. "Did she hit you?" she looked down as she began to wipe more tears away- apparently the last of them, she sniffled and looked up with clear eyes before she began to busy herself yet again. Which meant yes to my question, slowly I wrapped my hands around her, pulling her into a hug that she didn't want. She turned around in my arms and wrapped her arms around my neck and shoulders, "I just don't understand how she can speak so mean and just feel fine about it."

We silently decided it was early bedtime for Rikku tonight, I sat next to her and rubbed her back till her silent tears stopped and she was asleep. Grabbing the car keys I thought about leaving, going out to find my mother and yell at her- there was no way she could get away with just barging in and making Rikku feel like that. Driving wasn't something new to me, I'd driven a bunch of times since I moved in with Rikku because she wanted me to get my permit soon but before I could even walk out the door and start the search for my mother I heard something creak behind me.

Turning around I looked to find my sister standing in her doorway, her arms folded as she leaned against the frame, her light brown long button up sweater being pulled tight because she almost never actually buttoned it and even if she did it was too big for her. She didn't say anything but I could tell what she was thinking by the look on her face, "She can't just treat you like that," I started but Rikku continued to give me that same look and I didn't know what to say, I wanted to defend myself- to make it seem like it was the best course of action, but the look she was giving me was telling me that I would just be stooping to our mother's level and that I could handle this better.

She walked over to me and slowly grabbed my hand, taking the keys out of them, "Go to sleep Rox… everything's fine," I didn't want to but I saw how tired she looked, the bags under her blue eyes and how her blond hair was messier than it usually was, taking a deep breath I spoke, "Okay…"

Neither of us moved though, I was so pissed at my mother and I didn't know why- Rikku never told me what exactly happened but my mother always came around and said stupid shit and I was tired of her always hurting my sister. Rikku sat in the one and a half chair and pulled me with her so we sat together, her arms wrapped around my shoulders while I hugged her back.

No movies, no music, and no sound told us just how alone we were. The house was dim and dark and cold- the only thing that ever really made it feel like a home was my sister, when she'd blare her up beat music and dance around, laughing and smiling the entire time. But when she was sad there was no hiding from the truth.

I don't remember falling asleep but when I woke up at exactly 3 I stood up, covering Rikku up in the blanket we had been sharing, and I found my way to my room, but I couldn't sleep. So I decided to walk into the bathroom and I did the only thing that ever got my attention on the present, the only thing that controlled my thinking. Taking the blade I scratched it across my wrist, letting the crimson liquid bead and drip, the focus my mind had on the routine reassured me that I was in control of myself, that _this _was happening- I was sitting in the bathroom, physically unhurt except by my own hands and nothing else was wrong. Now I was tired.

6:00 a.m., My alarm clock radio clicked on and I was brought out of my sleep, grabbing the clock I flicked the switch on the side and off went the noise, slowly I got out of my warm bed and began slugging around the room trying to find a clean shirt to wear and a clean pair of pants. With success from my first effort of the day, I walked out into the kitchen 15 minutes later to find Rikku cooking food.

"So, you never told me about your first day of school," she looked back at me, a smile on her face, I couldn't help but smile back. "It was good, I get along with the kids," "Does that mean you have some new friends?" I shook my head, "I didn't talk to them, but I mean… they seem like people I would hang out with. We like the same kind of music and the teachers don't treat us like we're incompetent." "Well that's good," "Yeah."

The second day of a new school year, and there was already a new student, I hadn't seen him yet, but the girls were all talking about how he had bright red hair and bright green eyes. I sat in my normal seat- and by normal I mean I had claimed the seat as mine and I had this specific teacher for three other classes, so it was mine. Halfway through the class someone walked in.

I didn't bother to look behind me, I didn't bother to see who it was, I could tell by the voice that it was the guidance counselor, "Sorry to interrupt, this is our new student Axel, he'll be joining this class," some of the kids in the class said 'hi' and stuff. The guidance counselor was talking to him alone now, "Axel, you have English next, which is right next door," By right next door she meant on the other side of the back wall, I could only assume that she was pointing that way, but then again there wasn't a class on the other side of this class room- just a hall. Some of the kids started to say they had it to so they could show him.

I couldn't see if Axel had red hair or green eyes like they said, because I just continued to look ahead, copying the notes. English was my next class also, but he sat out of my view, but again- I didn't really care.

Science was my next class, I sat in the back, the room had thin tables instead of desks, each desk had two chairs- some had three, there was only a few other kids in the class though. I opened my notebook and began to draw in it, the chair next to me was pulled out and when I looked over it was none other than a redhead with bright green eyes.

And yes, he had bright red hair and bright green eyes just like everyone was saying, well what do you know- those kids were right. "Hi, I'm Axel," he put his hand out for me to shake, "Roxas," I hesitantly shook his hand, I had shaken more hands in this school than I had my whole life- it was something I wasn't used to but I tried not to act strange about it.

We had sat in the back for a good few minutes, I continued to doodle in my notebook, then out of nowhere he leaned closer to me, he was staring at my paper and I was staring at his face till he tipped his head and looked at me and said, "I like your bracelets." mostly the colors were green and black but there was a lot of other colors too.

He asked about them and it seemed like a normal conversation till he started his next sentence, "Yeah, my sister wears tons of bracelets- not as much as you, but they cover a good chunk other arms, she cuts and hurts herself so she covers it all up with those gummi bracelets." I was shocked that he had so openly said that, but even more so that he had realized that I did that myself.

I don't think he really knew what he was saying, "But anyway, I'll let you get back to your drawing." I looked forward, the rest of the day went by and all I could think about was what he said, I just couldn't believe he had said that. But then I really thought about it. He hadn't actually said that, "Hey, you cut yourself," and still had those understanding eyes, no what he had said was, "My sister does," but he must have realized that I do to… right?

No one knows about it- not anyone, there were so many reasons I never told anyone but now all I could think about was Axel, maybe I wanted to tell him. "No," I quickly told myself one my walk home, there was no way I was telling him and that's when I realized what I had been thinking- I wanted to get closer to Axel, not just- lets hang out on Saturdays and talk- but more of a- be around and never go away. Stopping in my tracks I mumbled in shock, "I have a crush on Axel…" I hurried up to get home and was now doing nothing but waiting for Rikku to get home from work, I cleaned the house and busied myself with random chores and tried to not think about Axel.

An hour or so before Rikku would get home the phone started ringing, I rehearsed what I would say but froze when I looked at the caller ID, the number instantly registered as my mothers, "Should I…" I started to question myself, I didn't want to answer it but I didn't want it to turn out worse for Rikku if I didn't, but soon the machine picked up and I quickly walked away.

]Humming as I locked myself in the bathroom, turning the faucet on I tried to block out my mother's tone, I didn't want to know what she was saying and I didn't want to hear anything from her. I decided taking a shower would be best, I thought about Axel- nothing sexual, just thinking about him. What could I do to make him like me, what could I say, what if I said something and he hated me for it… and… oh yeah, what if he's not gay, since when the hell am I?

Never date, that was my motto I guess, but I never thought that I wasn't straight… was I really gay? Or was it just Axel? I mean, I'd seen girls that I thought would be nice to date- but dating just never really mattered to me before… maybe I was bi, either was- learn something new every day.

_**This was in an Author's Note before I started editing it but this story is a twist on reality. I go to an Alternative School and it's just like I described, and the scenario with Axel actually happened to me (except he wasn't Axel... it'd be pretty freaking sweet if he was though). The whole talking thing is true to me too, I have Social Phobia/Social Anxiety (along with a lot of other fucked up things) but I found it pretty much doesn't exist behind a computer screen :D**_

_**Fixed/Edited: May 11, 2013**_


	4. Chapter 4: One Predicament

Time continued to go by, my mother had been busy doing who cares what, Rikku had been talking to Keyakku more, and I was enjoying my time at school (for once). Every day I looked forward to talking to Axel, we had our first 3 classes together and he always sat by me and he was really the only person who actually got me to talk but he still said that I rarely talked and he said he still wanted me to talk more but in truth I really was trying. There was a lot that I had learned about Axel, mostly just because he was really open- Axel lives with this old couple, his foster parents, that's why this is his first year going to this school, he's a natural redhead and he got the tattoo's on his face when he was high and pissed at his mom.

We talked in every class we had together and I really wanted to consider him my friend but I didn't know if I could yet- I was terrified that maybe he would find something out about me and hate me or maybe he was just being nice so he could humiliate me later in front of everyone.

School all in all was okay, better than any other school I had gone to, but again, it was school- how awesome could it get? There were a few kids I didn't think I'd get along with, one of them was this Sora, there wasn't really anything wrong with him I guess… it was just I hated him and I don't even know why. I decided to call it a personality clash.

Something about Sora just didn't seem right with me, but everyone else felt fine about her, and I was pretty sure he felt the same way about me. Because he stayed as far away from me as the classroom would allow. I decided to try not to think about Sora in any way possible, everything about him just irked me and I couldn't put my finger on it. But staying away became pretty hard, because that day Axel walked in with Sora and they were holding hands.

Now I shouldn't jump to conclusions because I hold my close friend's hand all the time, it's just something we do, so they could just be friends too, right?

They could be, but they weren't. There had been a party the other night and I guess some stuff happened and they decided to hook up, and that crushed me somewhere deep in my heart on more than one level. It hurt because he now had a boyfriend- meaning there was a possibility I could've been that boyfriend but he chose someone else, and also because I wanted him to be happy and I wanted him to be with someone that made him happy even if that person wasn't me.

It was Wednesday when I found out they were dating- something that shouldn't bother me, but did. I stayed quiet about my own feelings and time continued to by. When I got home from school, a day short a week after I found out they were dating Rikku was moving around the house quickly, pacing. "What's wrong Rikku?" I asked as I sat in the chair, setting my bag on the floor next to me, she stilled and leaned against the counter, "Do you hate Keyakku?" she asked out of nowhere, I was a little surprised for a second but quickly shook my head, "No, I don't hate him… why?"

"Well… he asked for me to come up to his place and stay the weekend… he wants me to leave tonight and he wants us just to hang out like we used to before we started dating…" "Then go," I watched her face. "I want to know what you think about it? Are you okay with it? Because if you're not then I won't go," I cut her off, "Rikku, you deserve to be happy, I'm sorry I constantly fought with him, I never meant for you two to break up, and besides you need a break, go have fun." I put on a smile and she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, speaking into my shoulder and ear in the process, "I don't care what the other kids say, you're alright," she laughed.

Getting her backpack out while she called Keyakku was really the only thing I did to help because I tried to help her get clothes and such ready but once I saw a thong I decided to just exit the room while she laughed at my face. Maybe an hour passed and we were standing outside, putting her bags in the back of his car, "Promise to call me if anything happens?" I nodded my head, "I promise," "Alright," she put her last bag in Keyakku's car as he sat patiently in the front, she wrapped me in another hug, "You're the best," I hugged her tighter. "I love you Rikku," "I love you too." She got in the car and they drove away, they wouldn't be back till Sunday, maybe just her or maybe both of them- who knew.

The rest of Wednesday night went by peaceful, I tried to be the good student I wasn't and do my homework but that didn't get anywhere except scattered papers and a bunch of ink decorating the paper without answering a single question. Around 10 p.m. the phone rang, the caller ID said it wasn't my mother, so I answered and it turned out to be Rikku on some pay phone, she talked to me for a few minutes, asking trivial questions to make sure everything was okay- like if the stove was off, all the windows shut, the door and windows locked, and if everything was under control.

When she felt comforted by my ability to act on her overly protective cares we said our goodbyes but no sooner had I hung the phone up had it begun to ring, thinking it was my sister I instantly picked it up but when the number registered I realized it was my mother, "Fuck," I cursed myself, I quickly hung it back up but it began ringing again. Soon the machine picked it up, "Rikku, Roxas? Where are you? I know you're there, answer this God damned phone, I need to talk to you," she continued on but I ignored her, I breathed a sigh of relief when she hung up, but the phone went off again, I jumped at the ringing and jumped again when I saw it was my mother again.

"If you don't answer this fucking phone I'm going to come over there," she continued to talk- or rather hiss- into the phone but I didn't want to think about what she was saying, I couldn't handle it as my mind went into something like overdrive and I began running around the house, making sure all the windows were locked along with the door, shutting off all the lights so it looked like no one was home. I sat on the floor against the couch, next to the phone, watching it light up over and over again as she called, couldn't she just take the hint?

My heart paused only to kick start as I heard the brakes to a car squeal and stop- right around the front of the house- fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck- I rambled on in my head as my heart pulsed in my ears. Someone knocked but I listened for the voice to follow or for them to turn and leave but instead I heard whoever was outside begin to bicker. I could hear more than one person, maybe it wasn't my mother. As quietly as possible I stood up and slowly slid my socked feet on the hardwood floor towards the door, but there was a tinkering noise and soon the door was thrown open, I froze.

The street light behind the figures showed me one was a blonde- a woman, the other… silver haired- Xemnas! My mind screamed for me to run away so as quickly as I could I turned to run out the back door- barefoot or not.

There was no way in hell I was going to stay in a house that had my mother and the guy that almost raped me in it, but as my feet slid from my random fleeting movement, depicting me much like a victim in a children's cartoon- except I was less graceful and my fingertip caught me a few times to prevent me from falling, someone's arm hooked around my waist and pulled me back, making me almost fall.

Pulled onto someone's lap I was held tight so even my tiniest of movements was forced to a halt, I watched my mother shut the door and move about the place like she owned it, "Where's Rikku?" she asked in a calm voice- like she hadn't just broken in. Pressing my lips tighter while I tried to wean my weight off of Xemnas- who I now realized I was being held on the lap of, his arms wrapped around my middle and arms to constrict me- he spoke into my ear like the creeper he was, "Answer her…"

"Ha!" if they could hear my thoughts I would've wound up dead a very long time ago- there was no way I was going to tell them were my sister was only because my mother knew where the cabin was, the hold around me got tighter and tighter and I felt like my body was going to split in two or I was just going to pop like a balloon. "She's away with a friend," I quickly yelled, realizing that's why the squeezing was occurring, the squeezing stopped getting tighter but was still uncomfortable, my mother came close to me. Pinching my face in one hand she tilted my head back so I would look at her, "What friend?" her breath reeked of alcohol.

"A friend from work- Tidus!" shouting louder as Xemnas began squeezing again, again- there was no way in hell I was going to sell my sister out, but I _could_ try to sell out Tidus because he _is_ her friend but he also is staying with his sick grandmother till she passes- which is two states away. When my mother let go of my face, she didn't simply let go, she had to push my face to the side in the process like she was sick of looking at me while she began pacing again, "We're staying till she comes back,"

"She won't be back till next week!" I shouted, trying not to let the whine in my voice be too noticeable, my mother was in the process of relocking the front door, "What?" "She's out of state with him…" this lie was just getting deeper and deeper but I didn't give a shit and it's not like they would ever find out the truth, "Don't lie to me," my mother warned, a finger now in my face, "I'm not! I swear!" I could feel Xemnas smiling behind me, "I know you swear," he whispered, his voice made my skin crawl.

"We'll stay the night, if she comes back tonight you better hope your scrawny legs can move damn fast." and she left, turning into the kitchen, I noticed her picking up a brown paper bag that I didn't notice before, she most have brought it with her, but I didn't really care about that, what I cared about was the fact that Xemnas was still holding me. "Let go of me," I finally said, he just made a _tsk-_ing sound and held me tighter, "But I like holding you… You're so soft, and warm," he pulled me so my back leaned flat against his chest, my muscles couldn't defend against his sound flex of strength, "And innocent," The creep's words made me shiver in disgust.

I could hear my mother moving around in the kitchen, glass bottles chimed and clinked as she continued to move about- I figured out what was in the bag- alcohol! Not too long later, Xemnas still holding me while I continued to slide out of his hold, my mother walked back in, pausing to light a cigarette at the end of the couch, as she pulled the cancer stick from her mouth she spoke again, "Xemnas, let go of my son, you look like a damn pedophile," she didn't seem all that concerned though. "Oh, but I am a lover of children," "Yeah whatever creep," my mother responded, finally he let me go.

I jumped out of his lap and turned around to look back at them, my mother was laying in comfort on the couch with a bottle of 160 Proof Vodka… like she needed that. Xemnas laid down next to her and they both just drank like it was their house, but I watched as he kept putting the bottle back to her lips instead of taking a drink, meaning he was getting her drunk and he probably had other stuff on his mind, which I didn't give a shit about till he looked up at me with that same disgusting look he had when he tried to drug me.

"Don't you have school?" my mother more shouted than asked, when I nodded my head she continued speaking, "Then go to bed!" I quickly turned around and made my way to my room and bathroom, going into the bathroom instead, locking the door behind me. There was no way I would be able to sleep, mostly because I must have had adrenaline or some shit going through my veins but all I knew is my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I just wanted to calm down. And in all honesty I didn't trust them to sleep under the same roof as me and have nothing happen.

Scrapping my skin- is the best way to put it, it wasn't cutting- it was scratching, and not many people understood that. But after the few small scraps my mind didn't slow down in the slightest, I found my little stash of razors under the sink, the only reason I ever was scratched instead of full on cut was because the razor I used was on the old side, I needed something deep so I grabbed a new unused razor. It's weightlessness as I laid it on my fingers, rolling it onto my palm, made me almost fear the small piece of metal- it weighed almost nothing yet could end my life a few times over.

There was nothing to fear though- the blade isn't what was hurting me, I controlled how deep the cut was and how much blood was loss no matter what physics may say. Hiding my little plastic box underneath the sink again I sat back down on the closed toilet lid- my proclaimed spot second only to the bathtub. Pressing the silver pointy edge of the blade against my wrist, I pressed hard before dragging the blade in a diagonal angle- following the way I had the blade pointed in the beginning.

Immanently blood pooled around the gash I had given myself, filling up slowly- I wondered if I cut my arm off and got to see the cut for its actual depth- if my blood and the split skin would cause a meniscus, the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't care. Ripping off some toilet paper I pressed it to the blood, the white instantly getting stained by my red liquid, I pressed hard enough to either get a rush of blood or to temporarily stop the blood flow. Either way, when I pulled my hand back the toilet paper was stuck to the blood- which is all I wanted it to do, now I didn't have to worry about blood dripping out and drying or getting on something like the floor or my clothes.

Placing the blade against my skin again I wanted that calm I got just after a cut like the one I just did, the small blissful moment where nothing but bodily functions mattered. With a dull blade my moves were always mechanical because let's face it- I only did it out of habit if the results were scratches, but with these actual cuts each one had to be thought about for the proper effect. The reason I needed the cut was because I couldn't calm down otherwise, I'd have a panic attack and die before the end of the night.

My body jumped as there was a reverberating knock on the door, scaring the hell out of me, I used said panic to push the blade harder and pull it quickly- the pressure from the push melding with the pull created the gash in my arm, "What?" I asked in a monotone voice as I watched the wound fill with liquid, "What're you doing in there Roxas?" of course it was Xemnas, it was like he actually cared- but, that was probably just so he could get in my pants, "Going to the bathroom," my head began to feel light and like I was swaying back and forth though I was pretty sure I was sitting still.

"You're lying. Open the door." My voice felt like it was gone, I wanted to yell no at him and tell him to leave me alone but I was concerned and trying to figure out while the center of my vision wasn't where it was supposed to be and rather just wasn't there. The vibrations- only what I could assume was him talking- continued but my body had such a calming rush that I was too worried with trying to get the best out of it before it was gone.

There was silence for a few seconds and as I turned my head to the side to look at the door only to find it open, "No…" I mumbled, trying to move further into the bathroom but I was stopped from falling over/escaping when hands grabbed my shoulders- turned out my legs weren't really in the mood to work.

"Roxas…" he mumbled close to my ear, "What'd you do?" he turned me so I was facing him- if I could actually look at him, I looked at the bathtub and then lolled my head to look at the mostly closed door. Looking down I saw his hands, they were holding mine- one supporting my hand and wounded wrist while the other held my hand that held the blade. "Let go…" mumbling again- which seemed to get me nowhere I used all the energy I had to produce something like a yell which was hushed to sound just like normal speaking because as it turns out I didn't have as much energy as I thought, "Go away!"

"Shh… Roxas, you'll wake your mother… and you know how she gets when she drinks too much…" his voice was leaking with false concern as he put a hand over my mouth, there was no pressure but I had no more energy to move his hand- or to move at all, so I thought. The blade was still in my hand and my left wrist was still exposed- my bracelets sitting on the counter next to me, I let my wrist rest against my leg as I tried to press the blade against it again but the wound never came.

My hands were frozen, my vision blurred and spotted finally held together enough for me to notice Xemnas' hands on my own again, I wanted to panic- there was no way he could stop me, I had control of this and I wasn't going to let him fuck with that.

"Roxas," he moved my hands away from each other, he wrapped his fingers around the blade in my hand, "Let me have it," "No…" I whined, he couldn't have my razor even if I had a bunch more, but he got it from my fingers anyway. Xemnas rolled out the toilet paper and wadded it up- messily folding it, he pressed it against my wrist, I couldn't help but gasp at the pain, had he not taken the blade from me I would've dropped it as my unwounded arm began shaking and spasming from the pain because my other was held to firmly for it to have the ability to spaz out.

My posture improved as his pressure increased, my hand unlocked at my joints as the initial shock of the pain wore off and my hand shot over to press the wound in an attempt to get rid of the pain. But Xemnas held my hand back, "Don't touch it," his voice was quiet, my hand shook inches above his as I tried to not touch the wound and touch the wound at the same time- his hand blocking me though, he saw my dilemma and looked under the sink to find something, he was shifting around in stuff for a few seconds before his face was in front of me again.

He slowly lifted his hand and my hand tried to rush and hold the wound but he guided my hand away, looking up at him I saw him pull the gauze wrap end so he could wrap my wrist, he peeled off the toilet paper- sticking to my wrist from both dried and wet blood. A square piece of gauze was laid and then pressed on my wrist, the pain catching me off guard. The whole thing almost made me nauseous, Xemnas' tanned arms and hands were in my vision again as he began wrapping the white starchy material of the gauze wrap around my wrist, a little tight.

I wanted to get away but he held me still by my wrist as he took the medical tape- no wider than an inch- and wrapped it once near the top of the gauze and against near the bottom, holding the gauze in place and together around my wrist. As he began to put the tape back I decided to let my eyes close for a second, my body felt weightless but I was brought back when the weightlessness I felt was jerked away.

"Careful Roxas," he mumbled, I hated how _nice_ he was being, I just wanted to be left alone, looking down I could see a hint of red near the edges of the gauze wrap- I could see the gauze soaking up blood layer by layer. My eyes wanted to shut again and I wasn't about to fight it, but as my eyes fought to stay open I felt Xemnas pull me forward, my body too uncaring to react.

Opening my eyes- barely- I found myself in my room, rolling my head to the side I tried to get a hold of myself, "It's okay Roxas… just go to sleep," I heard him mumble- that was the last thing I wanted to do, rolling my head again I tried to curl up with my back to him but my body didn't want to move. Looking at my legs I noticed I was no longer wearing jeans but instead pajama pants, which meant Xemnas had changed me- "Gross," I whined in my head.

"Drink this…" looking over at him I saw him holding a water bottle, my mind instantly flooding to the memory of the many times he tried to drug me, I slowly shook my head- gaining more and more force to my head shake. Xemnas placed it against my lips anyway- there wasn't very much in the bottle, I continued shaking my head, "Just open your mouth," I tried to roll away and curl up again, "Just leave me alone…" my voice cracked but I couldn't've cared less.

I thought about my mother- she dragged him here, was her usual charming self, and was drunk on the couch, and I thought about the creeper Xemnas, turning into the pillow I tried to hide myself- maybe I could just poof away, "I just want you all to leave me alone…" my vice came out in a whine, because I really was on the verge of crying.

I couldn't deal with Xemnas and my mother, I just couldn't, I didn't have enough strength or will, but I knew that didn't matter to either of them. A shaky breath broke me- as my breath came out it shook and was uneven and gave way for tears to pour down my cheek in a race to meet my pillow. The whole thing calm till Xemnas wrapped his hand around my shoulder and pulled me to lay on my back, I choked on the air for a moment as I tried to stop my tears- making the whole thing worse instead.

Turning my head I tried to get away from his look but I couldn't move to hide, "Shh…" I heard from him, his hand was rubbing the side of my cheek, I realized he had been sitting next to me on my bed and as much as I wanted to get away I couldn't find the energy.

My breathing became shaky and the tears continued silently but I was out in an instant.

I remembered some strange things though, like when you wake up over and over again you sometimes take some of the things around you to memory, yeah I had that, and the things I remembered I didn't much like. I knew for a fact that I was still a virgin- so that was a good thing- but I still felt dirty, Xemnas was lying next to me under the blankets, the nasty pervert most have rubbed one out against my leg or something. I climbed out of bed and jumped in the shower making sure that the door was locked and a towel rack in front of the door so I could hear if anyone came in.

Fixing my clean shirt on my torso I looked myself over once before I opened the door, the cold air rushed in and I jumped when I found Xemnas standing right in front of me, his face was serious even though most times he smirked when he managed to surprise me. "Your mother wants to talk to you," I didn't really care what he had to say- or what my mother did, I attempted to walk past him but he put his arm up and blocked me, "Be good- I don't want to hear her bitch… if you're good I'll make sure you get a reward," rolling my eyes I pushed past him as he chuckled, I found myself walking into the kitchen.

My mother was smoking a cigarette, sitting on the counter instead of a chair at the table, "Your sister didn't come back last night- fucking figures," she mumbled around a cigarette while messing with the pact, "I told you," "Oh, don't fucking back talk me," she barked, "I don't need your shit," she fell down from the counter and made her way to the door. "Where are you going?" where she went didn't really bother me- it was the fact that Xemnas was standing right behind me still and didn't look like he was going to be following her, "I have shit I need to do Roxas!" she turned around and looked at me.

"If you're so scared to be by yourself Xemnas will be here," "What- no, I don't' need a babysitter! Least of all him!" she turned away so I shouted but my yelling got cut short when I felt a stinging pain on the back of my head. Xemnas squeezed his fist tighter- succeeding in pulling my hair more, he ripped my head back to hiss in my ear, "Don't shout," he pushed my head forward making me stumble in the process, I glared at him over my shoulder.

"Then quit you're bitching!" my mother screamed, she opened the door, "Wait- take him with you," my mother rolled her head back and forth in annoyance before looking at me, "No. Roxas I don't have time to pussy foot around with you," I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder, Xemnas acted like there was nothing wrong with it, I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let go, "Then tell him to stop touching me," my mother rolled her eyes and spoke, "Stop being such a creeper Xemnas," she shut the door and was gone, Xemnas still had his arm draped over my shoulders.

The stinging on the back of my head returned and this time when he let go he pushed me forward, my knee banged against the hardwood while my hand slapped against the surface, "That," he started, I stood up and spun around to look at him, "Was not," he walked forwards and grabbed the collar of my shirt, "Being a good boy."

_**Heyylow :3  
Fixed/Edited/Uploaded: May, 13, 2013**_


	5. Chapter 5: One Motive

"Alright, we're going to work on a special little assignment." The English teacher began, she poked at her smart board that was attached to the wall- she had long light brown hair that was pulled back loosely into a braid, and her name was Aerith Gainsborough. Most kids in this school were punks- as in brats- but when you look at her in a shin length pale dress in this school it was like looking at a puzzle where you have to find which piece doesn't belong.

"We'll get the dates and everything in order first," her voice was calming but not depressed, she was pretty up-beat in reality though, "This assignment will be due next Wednesday, so you'll have five days to work on it but it has to be handed in on the sixth- no late work for this guys." Groans bounced around the room with verbal complaints- like they were surprised they actually had to do something in school- like that were a new thing. "Oh shush, it's a simple writing assignment," and again more groaning.

"It's a two person group project," and there was the cheers, Aerith nodded her head and smiled like she knew that was what they wanted to hear, "I won't tell you who to pair with- but I will tell you who not to," a few more groans, "I'm going to go around the room and assign half of you a poem by Edgar Allen Poe- at the end if you want to change poems we can talk about it."

"This has to get done, and other than today- it will have to be done outside of class, so chose someone you can actually work with rather than a friend, and if I assign you both poems- guess who you're not working with?" she started walking around the room, assigning people poems- which she was smart about because she gave all the kids in the small little chatting clique a poem so they couldn't work together. "Roxas," she stopped in front of me, "You'll have _Alone_, one of Poe's shorter poems," I wrote the name in the corner of the rubric she handed me at the same time.

She stepped back and clapped her hands, "Alright, pair up."

Assuming people would be walking around to pair up I was amused when instead they just started yelling like, "Hey, kid, you gotta partner? No- okay, I found my partner," but I didn't say anything (shocker) and I felt awkward for being a social outcast so I stared at the clock, I had no one who would want to be my partner that I knew for sure but then I felt someone tap on my shoulder. Looking over to see red he spoke, "Wanna be partners?" he asked, he sat at the table right next to mine but instead of standing up just leaned across the gap between us, Axel's voice was smooth and I found it strange that that was my first thought.

"Umm… sure…" I couldn't tell him "No," but I wasn't exactly sure if we could work together, the paper alone I didn't know if we would get done, but with that aside- I was kind of mad at Axel for have a boyfriend- which I know I shouldn't be. My mind spoke without my mouth, "Wait… didn't Sora get assigned a poem?"

He didn't seemed shocked I asked but his eyes went a little wide as he took in what I said, his eyes looked like they were glowing they were so freaking bright, "Yeah, he did," he slid his chair out and moved next to me and I realized everyone was sitting with their partners now, "Then don't you want to work with him?" don't people normally want to spend time with their lovers? "Uhh, no," his answer was a short but he had a small smile on his face that was ever present, "I guess you didn't hear but we broke up," he shrugged and I felt like the biggest asshole ever.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" inside my mind was cheering and then I realized he just broke up- meaning he probably didn't want to get close to anyone anytime soon. I felt like a brat for being so happy inside about him being miserable- it wasn't the miserable part I was happy about it was the part where he was now single, but even then he was smiling at the moment so maybe the break up wasn't that bad.

"So… when do you want to work on this thing?" trying to get back to the subject at hand while everyone talked and yelled for a new poem- one that 'they could understand' we were trying to get everything figured out before the period ended.

"Well… I figured after school," his tone gave the sentence away like a question. "Staying after?" I looked over at him, I had no study halls or plan periods and half of my lunch I was in individual study- I had no real free time to do anything while in school. But after school was a different story. I almost didn't want to stay after at the moment because I didn't trust my mother home and to not burn the place down- but I didn't really want to get home either. "I don't have any free periods…" he mumbled and then he added, looking back up at me as his gaze drifted to the floor, "So we'll meet up after school, you'll have a ride?"

Thinking about it for a few minutes I realized I really didn't care if my mom burned the place down, "Yeah- I mean no, I walk," there was no way in hell I was going to blow Axel off to spend dear old time with my mother and her creepy ass boyfriend. "What days?" "Any day… and I guess it depends on how long it takes us to finish it," I replied.

"How about today, after school to start?" he shifted in his seat so he could look more at me while I was busy reading the rubric, "Yeah… okay?" we were standing up now because class was over, I was pushing my chair in when I felt an arm hang over my shoulder, "It's a plan," he had a smile on his face but my face felt on fire.

I wanted to be nervous about spending so much time completely with Axel and then when the end of the day came I had forgotten and he put his arm back over my shoulder and was following me down the halls, we went into Aeirth's room first- since she was both my family group leader and it was her project, "Hey Aerith," Axel called as we walked in, she was grabbing her keys and walking towards us, "What's up?" she asked in a bubbly voice.

"Huh, where you going?" my partner asked, "There's a teacher's meeting today, did you need something?" "We were just trying to find a place to stay after," "Oh, I'm sorry guys but unless you stay in the library you're not going to be able to- we all have a meeting and it's not going to be over till 4." We slowly nodded our heads, Aerith apologized again and we walked to the library, but it looked like a bunch of people planned on staying after because it was packed.

We stood outside the doorway, "I guess we'll have to start tomorrow…" I mumbled, "Yeah…" his voice sounded almost sad and then he leaned a little closer with a wide smile on his face, "Well, we could always go to my house?" I wasn't expecting that, "Umm…" he could probably tell I was nervous, "It's not that far away- I walk to school, my foster mom's home but I don't think she'll mind," "Umm… okay?" he smiled wider and threw his arm over my shoulder again and we walked out the doors.

"So you live in walking distance?" I asked, turning my head to look up at him, "Yupp, a few houses that way," he point straight so I pointed to my right, "I live probably half a mile that way," he chuckled and we blabbed about random things till we were near his house.

"Are your parents okay with you coming over?" I thought about it- my mother probably wasn't okay with it or she couldn't careless, "Eh…" I shrugged my shoulder, "Did you need to call them or anything," "I don't have a cell phone," he started laughing at that, "What?" "Nothing- nothing, just a teenager without a cell phone- that goes against all stereotypes," I stuck my tongue out at him, "Here," we stopped outside of a house as he reached into his pocket, "Use mine, when you're done just walk in and go to the left, k?" he was walking backwards as he was talking, he walked up the steps to a decent house and was gone behind the door.

"Hello?" "Hey, Keyakku… is Rikku there?" "Yeah, hold on a sec Rox," I felt like an asshole when I heard him call me by that nickname. We didn't fight for my sisters' love and attention or something weird like that, the reason Keyakku and I fought was because he wanted to marry Rikku, he asked me if he could and of course I said yes, ya know? He has always been amazing to my sister, but since they would be dealing with a bunch of paper work for the marriage (that my sister still didn't know about) he wondered if he could also become my guardian and adopt me.

That may seem sweet and all that, but I didn't want to turn my back on my mother- she was my mother and I still loved her, when I told him that he wasn't the happiest and it turned into an argument and that's when my sister walked in and it was just a bad time for her to do that. Keyakku's like an older brother to me which is another reason I don't want to hassle with him thinking he has to adopt me, we haven't talked since Rikku told him to leave and I figured he hadn't gotten his head together yet but it turns out he's getting over it., "Here she is."

"Hi Roxas, what's up," and I realized this was the perfect moment, "Hey sis, I was just calling to tell you I'm going to be staying at a friend's house for a few days," "Huh, why?" "We have an assignment and we just want to hang out," "Well… okay, how long do you plan to stay?" "Oh, I don't really know yet… he lives within walking distance to the school so he's not that far from home, I just didn't want you calling the house and freaking out when I didn't answer you," "Yeah, okay, well, as long as you go to school it's good with me, is it okay if I call this number back?" "Better not- it's his foster mom's phone," "Ah… well okay." Out conversation ended not too long after that- now I didn't have to worry about Rikku calling the house and my mother or Xemnas answering.

Hesitantly I walked up the porch, he said inside to the left, but I felt weird just walking in so I knocked and then slowly opened the door, looking left I found Axel standing in what looked like a living room staring at something I couldn't see. Walking closer I found him zoned out into a TV screen about how something mechanical was made, "Ax?" I leaned sideways so I could look at him and it was like he just snapped out of it, "That looks fucking sweet," he said before turning and looking at me, I held out his phone, "All good?" "Yupp," he smiled wider and walked around me going up stairs and I followed.

We went in a room that didn't look like it was even in use- there was almost nothing on the walls but there was a mess of clothes over by a hamper and I could tell by the black and bright red and green clothes that they were Axel's. He sat on the bed and I stood awkwardly in front of him, "So you really have no phone?" "Nope," I shrugged, he moved over and sat back against the wall, patting the bed for me to follow, I sat on the edge and turned to look at him, dropping my bag on the floor next to me.

"Why don't you have a phone?" scratching my cheek a littler nervously I spoke, "Well… never really had the money I guess… I would love one but it was just never been a possibility." "And now?" "Huh?" he confused me with two words," Axel gave a small deep laugh, I was so confused, "You said it was never a possibility, which means you think things have changed, right?" looking forward I thought, "Yeah, I guess it could be possible now… if I bugged my sister enough." I laughed at the vision of my sister in my mind as I asked for a phone and how she would complain that it would make me less active and lazy and how I was already lazy enough.

Our conversation morphed from phones to our actual homework, "Can you read it?" Axel asked, stretching over his bed to grab a pad of paper and a pen, when he was sitting up straighter than he was before, I began reading slowly.

"**From childhood's hour I have not been  
As others were; I have not seen  
As others saw; I could not bring  
My passions from a common spring.**  
**From the same source I have not taken  
My sorrow; I could not awaken**  
**My heart to joy at the same tone;  
And all I loved. I loved alone.  
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn  
Of a most stormy life- was drawn  
From every depth of good and ill  
The mystery which binds me still;  
From the torrent, or the fountain,  
From the red cliff of the mountain,  
From the sun that round me rolled  
In its autumn tint of gold,  
From the lightning in the sky  
As it passed me flying by,  
From the thunder and the storm,  
And the cloud that took the form  
When the rest of heaven was blue  
Of a demon in my view.**"

Looking up at him after I had finished reading, Axel looked like he was in a trance. "Axel?" nothing, I leaned in front of him, getting close as I stared at his eyes, "Axel?" I asked again, and yet again, nothing. My face scrunched up a bit as I thought; slowly I brought my finger up to his cheek and poked the side of his face, waiting for him to react.

And just like that his head shook, he practically jumped, and… to my own pain, brought his head forward and smacked his forehead against my own. "Ow!" I instantly pulled back so much so that I was now sitting on the floor, my hands came up to hold my forehead where I was sure there was now a bruise. "Roxas?" he said, but I couldn't see because I had my eyes squeezed shut in pain, "Yup?" I strangled out, prying open one eye to look up at him.

"What happened?" His voice was calm, he freaking had a head of iron! "What happened?" I repeated, looking up at him crookedly, "You zoned out and then head butt me with an iron skull!" Squeezing my eyes shut again I tried to will the pain away but I think I probably made it worse, then I felt something soft and warm touch my chin and one of my hands, "Look at me?"

Prying open my eyes yet again I looked ahead to see Axel sitting on the very edge of his bed, pulling me closer by my chin so his feet that were on the ground were on either side of me, and he kept pulling me closer till I could feel his breath. "Does it still hurt?" he asked and I was a little shocked he was so close so when I answered it was a bit delayed, "Yeah," I nodded my head a little but that just made my head hurt more.

When my eyes were shut again I felt a coldness, peaking open an eye I saw he wasn't there but before I could panic in any way he was right back in front of me, sitting with his knees pressing softly into my sides, he stretched across his bed again and I caught a glimpse of his flat and slightly tan stomach. Shutting my eyes quickly I willed away any images. "Here," I heard him say.

Slowly looking at him I saw him holding out an open bottle of water, "You can take one of these if you want," he held out a very large white pill, I looked at it and then back up at him, he pulled over a somewhat see through orange container and on it said his name. "They're prescription, but they're just really strong ibuprofen," I looked up at him again, "Umm… okay…" I said nervously.

Drinking a bit of the water I put the pill to my lips and sucked it in and swallowed it, but as of right yet my head still hurt. Axel pulled me closer and I felt something soft and slightly chapped press against my forehead, "All better?" he asked, I smiled, "Not yet," he chuckled, "See if I ever kiss your wounds better again," all I could do was smile as he sat back a little and patted the bed and I sat next to him yet again. We spent some time on the poem like we were supposed to, but I kinda sorta fell asleep.

He said it was okay if I laid down, so I did, laying between the cold wall and his soft pillows while he sat on the outside of the bed, and soon I was just out. How I woke up was I felt someone shaking my arm, "Roxas? Rox?" I heard them say, slowly I opened one eye and looked around to see pretty much nothing, "Huh?" I asked, "You fell asleep, it's almost eight, I figured you'd want to get home?"

Oh yeah, I remembered now- and I mentally slapped myself for it. Axel explained that he didn't turn on the lights because he thought it would hurt my head if the pill had worn off, he explained that he also thought it was stupid he gave it to me- the pill, because it was 800 mgs- which would be enough to knock me out. Apparently I had only been sleeping for a less than three hours but that was pretty much half of my time there, I guess Axel had to go do some chore downstairs which is why he let me sleep for so long. As I stood up I bid ado to his bed and wished my bed was as comfortable- which earned me a laugh from Axel.

"Are you sure your parents won't mind you coming back so late?" He asked as we walked to my house- I had to imagine the direction my house would be because I'd never been on his street before, but we ended up only down the road from it which was pretty good. His question caught me off guard, "Umm… I don't know…" I stared at the lighting street lights as I calculated in my head whether my mother would be home or not or if Xemnas would be- I really hoped he wouldn't be.

"You okay?" I looked up to see Axel standing in front of me now, walking backwards. "My mother isn't supposed to be at my house… but my sister is away so she's been breaking in…" I mumbled. His face was serious as he looked at me then he turned around and kept walking next to me, "I'll walk you up," as we stood in front of my house I pulled the key from my pocket but Axel froze, "Is your mom dangerous?" his question surprised me, I'd never really thought of my mother as dangerous, "No… unless she's drunk- which is always…" I mumbled, "It's not really her that's the problem, it's her boyfriend."

We had stopped walking and stood right outside the door, Axel grabbed the key from my hand and unlocked the door, the house was completely empty, but that didn't mean anything.

_**Know how I said Axel was based on a real person- well, he still is, the whole foster parents and what not is based on the real boy, and since my experience with 'Axel' is now from the point of view of Roxas, a boy, I changed the person 'Axel' dated to also be a boy. In real life 'Axel' dated a girl, and on said note Imma just say I never thought of 'Axel' the way Roxas does but that wouldn't make a very good story now would it? But the whole personality clash Roxas and Sora have is the same one I have in real life with with actual person 'Axel' dated. I cannot stand that woman.**_

_**And if you happen to be one of the 'lucky' ones who read this story before I edited it- I'm not just cleaning it up and fixing the errors and plot problems, I'm adding a shit ton more to it and changing a few things in the chapters you've already read. **_

_**Fixed/Edited/Uploaded: May 15, 2013 **_


	6. Chapter 6: One Encounter

Axel pushed the door open slowly and we walked even more slowly into the house, it was completely dark so my hand automatically moved and flicked on the light, only to find the naked back of my mother on top of someone. It took only a second for the image to click- my mother was doing the dance with no pants with who I could only assume was Xemnas. Quickly I shut off the lights, neither of them even bothered to stop or notice, without thinking I grabbed Axel's arm and turned him around- pushing him out the door without so much as a goodbye or apology.

Staring at the blackness I knew the door occupied I tried to collect myself enough to not stand there with my mother's sex noises in the background. Tiptoeing in my room I shut the door and sat down against it, resting my head against my knees, my head hurt a little but the darkness was helping. Turning my clock radio on to block out ever little noise I heard that only reminded me of my new mental scarring didn't help my headache though. Thinking about what Axel had seen I wanted to die (figuratively), I wondered how scarred he was now?

When I woke up for school my stomach yelled at me- I hadn't eaten anything the day before, I literally laid on the floor so I could look under my door and see if anyone was out in the other room and if they were moving around. Seeing no one I quickly got ready, opening the door barely I slid out and into the bathroom, and then moved in my shoes quickly through the living room- past my mother and Xemnas who were passed out on the couch, all the way to the kitchen.

I didn't want to risk cooking something and one or both of them waking up at the smell of food- that had happened so many times before with my mother, so I grabbed a cinnamon and raisin bagel and halfway filled an empty water bottle with orange juice before quickly going outside. Having left a little early I walked slowly to school, picking at my bagel and drinking my drink on the way, and since it was Thursday and it was trash day I slipped my empty water bottle into someone's trash on the way.

Before I even entered the school parking lot I saw Axel and my mind raced- oh shit, I completely forgotten about Axel seeing my mother, I hoped he wasn't too scarred or pissed at me- maybe I could just slip away and he wouldn't notice. Course not, no sooner had I thought it than Axel was calling me, "Hey Roxas!" he shouted, walking my way even though that meant away from the school for him. He stopped in front of me, half a smirk on his face like always, "Hey…" my voice was quiet as I waited for him to say something or at least to let me continue walking, "Are you always here this early?" it seems we're taking the 'denying it ever happened' approach.

"Huh, no… just today," he moved to the side so we could continue walking, he talked about why he was showing up early and then- as if out of nowhere he said, "So uh… that was your mom?" my face felt on fire as I looked even further down than I had been, "Yeah…" "Well… I don't really know what to say to that whole thing but your mom having sex on the couch is something I don't really want to see again," looking up at him I saw his smile, "And I hope you never have to," I smiled back, "Or myself for that matter," I looked forward at the school that was now a few feet in front of us.

Axel continued to get yelled at all day- which was nothing new, "Axel," Aerith began calmly 2nd class, "Will you please take a seat and stop walking around?" Axel stopped walking and looked at her, "Aerith, why're you yelling at me?" his voice sounded wounded, all Aerith did was put a hand on her hip, "You know for a fact that I wasn't yelling just now," "No, but you _were_ just sassy," he kicked the chair out next to me and plopped down, chuckling a little as he pressed the teacher's buttons.

Near the end of the day Axel found me on my way to another class, his arm softly pumped my shoulder as we walked, "Wanna work on the project again after school?" nodding my head he continued, "Yeah, hopefully we'll actually do something this time," his smirk was evident in his voice, "We did something last time," I started in a somewhat serious voice, "I slept and you did chores… or something," he laughed. "Aerith's room?" "Or the library, either one," "Okay, meet me outside Aerith's room," he said while walking backwards before spinning around and walking away.

I waited outside Aerith's room just like he said, 2 minutes passed, then 5, then 20, and then 30… yeah he wasn't going to show, I finally thought, I had long since slid down the wall and sat on the floor, Aerith hadn't even noticed I was outside her room, no one even noticed that I was sitting there it seemed. As I pulled my knees up to my chest more so I could stand up I both saw in my peripherals and heard someone running down the hallway, "Roxas!" looking up I saw Axel stopping next to me, he rested his hands on his knees as he bent over a little, breathing heavily- I couldn't tell if he was leaning down to be closer to me or if he really was that tired.

"I, am, _so_, sorry," he finally said, "My foster mom called me and wanted me to do something and I completely forgot, I just remembered and I ran all the way here," I gave a smirk, completely ready to except his excuse, "Why're you out of breath?" he weakly chuckled, taking a deep breath, "I ran all the way here as fast as I could- that's why," "But your house isn't that far away," "Hello, smoker lungs," he said like it was obvious and I hadn't even known he smoked, he stood up straight, myself following him, "You should feel damn lucky Roxas, I nearly gave myself a cramp," he laughed and I rolled my eyes.

"Well… half an hour of my life has been wasted, so you ready to work on the project?" there was a smile on my face but when I looked at Axel I could tell he felt bad, he didn't say anything at first, "I'm sorry," "It's fine," I offered another smile but he didn't bite, so I tried a different approach, "Make it up to me?" I offered and he gave a small smirk, "Anything," "Hmm…" I didn't think he'd so openly accept my teasing, I looked up at the ceiling but I couldn't think of anything, "I can't think of anything…" I finally told him, "Oh well," I smiled again, "It's the thought that counts, right?"

"Come on," he turned around and started walking, I thought he was going to the library at first but he walked straight out the doors instead, "Where're we going?" "I'm gonna buy you lunch," he looked at me and smiled, but I felt a little bad, "Ax," I took a few jog like steps to catch up to him, "I was kidding when I asked you to make it up to me, you don't have to," "I gotta do something, I feel like such a dick for ditching you," "It's fine, you came back when you remembered- it's all good," "So what kind of unhealthy fast food do you like?" he ignored my statement.

After a few more minutes of me trying to get him to forget about it we ended up at McDonalds, "What do you want Roxas?" I looked at him, "What're you getting?" he shrugged his shoulders, "You first," looking up at the menu I felt bad for finding it a little difficult to read. It made sense but it was just a jumble and I had no idea what most of the stuff was, "I'll just have fries I guess," "You sure?" nodding my head he continued to give me that look, "What?" "You haven't eaten since at least this morning, aren't you hungry?" I both shrugged my shoulder and shook my head.

Axel ordered a meal- a hamburger that came with the drink and the fries, he would give the fries to me and we would split the drink. Once the order was done he grabbed the bag and we left, we walked just a little ways out front and sat on this stone wall by the road. I picked at the fries, I felt bad for having him buy me something, "I'm gonna have to pay you back for this," I spoke from behind a fry before I proceeded to eat said fry, I was looking at him, watching him as he pretty much inhaled his hamburger. My words reached him as he began a bite so it took him a few minutes/chews before he responded.

"Nope- it's my payback," he held a hand up to cover his mouth as the majority of the bite he had taken rested in the side of his mouth so he could speak. He continued chewing, he hadn't really looked at me since we got food- not that he had a reason to but he was either looking at the cars that passed or he was looking at the hamburger. Before I could say anything more he spoke, "Are you vegetarian?"

"Huh?" his question caught me off guard, "Well, you ordered fries- do you no eat meat or something?" "No, I do- I just…" I let the sentence fade away as I took another fry, when almost half my fries were gone I decided to get back to a subject we should be talking about. "We should probably work on that poem…" "What do we gotta do exactly?" "Umm, I think we just have to decipher it and explain a little about Poe in the process…" "Sounds easy," he picked at his hamburger.

The school was closed to students by the time we started walking back, "Are we going to work on it today?" I looked over at him, "It seems a little late now…" "Ah, Roxas, the day is still young," he smiled.

We sat at a picnic table in the park, I pulled the poem, my notebook and a pen from the pack out, Axel was reading over the poem while I got ready- quietly taking over the writing between us. "So… how you wanna do this?" he was quiet so I asked, he looked up at me and set the paper down, "We can write each line and then say what it actually means." He suggested, so I started writing the first line that I had memorized, "From childhood's hour I have not been," I looked at the poem.

After a few minutes we decided to break the poem up by sentences rather than where the line ended, "From childhood's hour I have not been as others were." "That's easy," Axel said, shifting to sit on one of his legs so he could better see my paper from across the table, "Yeah," I agreed, writing, "Never being the same as everyone since birth." "This seems pretty easy," Axel smiled.

"We must be doing it wrong then," I mumbled as a second thought, "I have not seen as other's saw," "Was he blind?" "He wrote for a living- I don't think he was blind," my voice was a little condescending- I'll have to admit, he put his hands up at his sides, "How the hell should I know, people do crazy shit- Ray was a famous blind pianist, and there was that old piano guy that was deaf," "Wolfgang Mozart," "Yeah, him, I don't know, maybe our dear depressed friend Edgar was a special little one." I smiled at his reasoning, it made sense in a way but no, Poe wasn't blind.

"I don't think it means literally…" I looked at the words again, "I think it's more metaphorical- like he didn't see everything the same way everyone else did," even though I didn't say it as well as I should have he still understood me. "I could not bring my passion from a common spring," I began writing, and Axel smirked, "He couldn't like things for the same reasons everyone else did," he began moving while I wrote the next line, "From the same source I have not taken my sorrow," "Didn't feel sad for the same reasons," he sat next to me but on the table with his feet on the bench.

"I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone," "Didn't find the same things enjoyable as everyone else," "Man Axel, aren't you just on a role?" I smiled up at him but all he did was smirk and look at the poem, "What's the next line?" he asked, "And all I lov'd- _I_ lov'd alone," I began writing while he said it, "He was the only one to like what he liked," "At least that's what he thought," I added, looking up at Axel, he seemed serious again and it was weird. He almost always was joking and trying to be a problem but it was strange to see him so serious, even if it was only a little.

"Then in my childhood in the dawn of a most stormy life," he said, reading the poem rather lethargically, "So in the beginning of a really hectic and messed up life," I summed underneath and he continued, "From every depth of good and ill," "Self-explanatory," I mumbled. "The mystery which binds me still," I wrote self-explanatory again and then he read on but I didn't write.

"From the torrent- or the fountain," he looked at me, "Why aren't you writing?" "Can I see the poem?" he handed it to me as he sat down so we could both see it, "This," I wrote on the sheet, drawing a line from the part he just read to the fourth to last line, "To this is all just examples," "Then what're these lines?" he pointed at the last three lines, "And the cloud that took the form when the rest of Heaven was blue of a demon in my view," "I don't know," I replied, "Maybe it's just a part of the random examples, or maybe it's what confused him?" I had no idea.

We decided it was just an example because we didn't want to work on it any longer- not that it took any time but it was starting to get a little dark and school work was just annoying. "Do you like this poem?" looking up at him I was a little surprised by his question, "What do you mean?" "Like… do you find it relatable?" silence took over for a second, "Well… yeah, I guess I do… what about you?" he nodded his head and stood up, "Wanna walk?" nodding my head we walked around and talked about a lot of random things.

"So… what'd you have to do earlier?" finally I asked, he looked over at me with surprise from me speaking- we had been walking in silence, "Oh, my social worker stopped by and wanted to talk to me… I figured she'd have some type of good news but it turns out she was just in the neighborhood," "What kind of good news?" he was quiet for a second, "That I could go home…" we were quiet while I thought about a not completely bitchy or stuck up way to ask, "Why were you put in foster care?" he was silent and I thought I over stepped my welcome.

"I skipped school a lot, got in trouble even more- violated my probation… they didn't really see my mother as a good mom because she didn't try to keep me in order…" "Oh…" "Yeah," he sighed, "She's really laid back, she likes to bitch though… but she's my mom and it's not home unless I'm with her," "What about your dad?" "Huh? He's around, my parents seperated when I was a kid- he's not a bad guy just not really father material, he's got some emotional problems… he's around every once in a while," I slowly nodded my head, fixing my backpack on my shoulder.

"What about you?" he looked at me, "What about me?" I didn't know what he was asking, "How long have you lived with your sister?" "Just a few months," he looked back at me, "Why?" "Ehh…." It was kind of an awkward conversation- not that I didn't want to tell him, but it was just something strange to talk about. "Come on- there must have been a reason," he nudged me with his elbow, "Well… my mother was dating a creeper… the same guy she's with now… and I tried to tell her how creepy he was and she didn't believe me, so I moved in with my sister," "Creepy how?" "Like pedophile offering candy from a shady windowless van," "Oowe," his tone was something like a mix of 'oh' and 'ew' as I nodded my head, "Yeah," I said simply.

We were silent for a few minutes again, "What about your dad?" he asked, "What about him?" "Where's he in all this?" "He just… never really existed," I shrugged, "He left before I was born, my sister doesn't even remember him… he was in and out of a relationship with our mother since they were in middle school, but he just couldn't put up with our mother anymore I guess…" Axel was nodding his head, "Do you miss him…" "Eh... can't miss what you didn't have," I quoted.

We stood in front of my house, I didn't want to return back to my life yet, "Well hey…" Axel began, rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm not really in a hurry to get back, wanna hang out a little while longer?" looking from my house to Axel I thought about it, "I do but… I don't know if my mother or Xemnas is here…" "Even if they are we can just hang out in your room," he nudged so I nodded, we walked in to find the house empty of everyone, I let out a sigh of relief, "Look's good," I told him, he walked down the hall, making himself at home and acting like he owned the place, "Is this your room?" he asked as he pointed to my bedroom door.

He opened it once I nodded my head but he didn't walk inside, he looked around before walking back into the living room and looking at me, "You okay?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, "Huh? Yeah… just… I don't know," I mumbled, "There really isn't anything to do here," "I'm sure there's something," I turned and walked into the kitchen to sit at the table- I was _not_ sitting on the couch after I knew what happened on it. We sat at the table and I looked at Axel, "No, really, there's nothing. No TV, no video games, nothing," I shrugged, he looked around like he was trying to think of something to do.

"We can play something like 20 questions," he said but I didn't respond, instead I gave him a look that asked for more detail, "Well… we each get 20 questions, I ask you a personal question and then we both have to answer, then I'd only have 19 but you'd still have 20, got it?" I nodded my head, "You go first," I added after a bit of silence, he smirked and leaned back, "Hmm… what's your favorite color?" "Blue and dark Purple," "Mine's green, you're turn," we only played a trivial version for a few seconds before Axel started to ask really personal questions.

"Have you ever been in foster care?" "Yes," "Mhm, and it's obvious I have- but I've never been in before now." "How did you feel your first night in foster care?" that was a deep question and I don't know what came over me to ask, his smirk stayed but weaken, "I was nervous, I felt like a badass during the day- being so tough and shit that the government puts you in a new home, it's what every badass is known to go through around here… but when I was alone in my new room, on my new bed with this little kid I didn't even know sleeping across the room from me… I just felt alone…. And you?" "The first time I went into foster care I was 6- my second half of kindergarten… I didn't know what was happening, I remembered men grabbing me and ripping my sister and me apart and putting us in different vehicles…

"I thought it was kidnap or something but my mother just stood in the doorway smoking a cigarette and watched us drive off while they arrested her boyfriend… all I wanted was to know what was going on but no one would tell me. Then I was forced to go to a new school- I had no idea where anything was or who the people were, I didn't know what my house looked like that I was staying at because I was dropped off at night. My foster mom seemed mean and cold and didn't say anything to me… my room was shared with this older boy who was never around… I didn't know what would happen the next day- or the day after that…

"That's kinda how it was every time after that too… except the second time my foster parents were really nice… but I didn't want to get close because I didn't know how long I would be staying- I might get moved to another home or my mother would get me but either way… everything was always distant and I wanted to stay alone rather than get close to them and have them ripped away, you know?" he was nodding his head his smirk gone, "How do you and your mother get along?" and it was as if on cue- my mother stormed in, even though I couldn't see her I could hear her stumbling and giggling.

She was giggling, "No, Xemnas- stop, being- lighten up," she was laughing so much I doubt Axel had a clue what she was saying. I walked out to look at her, she was stumbling to get to the couch, leaning against the wall next to the door, a cigarette in hand, "Oh, hiya Roxas," she smiled as her head lolled to the side, she held her hand up and motioned with her finger for me to come over to her.

She placed her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me closer- the only reason I was fine being within arms-reach of her was because she seemed happy and that wasn't a danger, "Who's your friend?" she whispered in my ear, I pulled back and took a few steps back, "Mom… this is Axel… Axel… this is my mom…" Xemnas was carrying a bag full of alcohol into the kitchen, I really didn't want Axel to meet my mother but there was no way around it right now, "Well, aren't you just an eye catcher," my mother smiled as I rolled my eyes, she didn't even bother to comment on it even though I know she noticed, "It's nice to meet you," Axel replied as if this wasn't completely awkward, "Predictable response," she pushed off the wall, "Men with manners are so boring," she dragged out as she walked over to him, her fingertip sliding from his the middle of this throat up to his chin before she crashed on the couch.

"Roxas!" the yell came from the kitchen but I didn't want to go in there, "What?" "Roxas, shut- shut the fuck up- Mommy's… Mommy's trying to sleep," she started out yelling but it slowly turned into just mumbling, I rolled my eyes, "I'll be right back… I'm sorry…" I mumbled to Axel as I walked past him and into the kitchen to find Xemnas standing there. "What?" my voice was quiet because I didn't want Axel to hear, I didn't want to run out into the other room either so I had nowhere to go when Xemnas stomped towards me and grabbed my upper arm, pulling me closer, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he hissed in my face.

"What're you talking about?" whispering through my teeth as he jerked my arm again, "What do you want?" "Ho-ho-ho," he laughed quietly, pressing his lips against my ear, "You know what I want," I whispered, I tried to get him to let go but he didn't and when his hand fell off my shoulder from all my thrashing around it was in front of my face- so I bit down on it. Instead of yelling or something like I thought he was going to do, his hand closed around my throat and he picked me up, dropping me against the table, leaning over me, his hand clenching tighter and tighter around my throat while he breathed stale breath into my face. Polluting any air I could bring into my lungs, "Don't start something you can't finish," it was like he was trying to be seductive when he said it but I was too busy trying to get his face out of mine and his hand off my throat rather than being creeped out.

"My friend's here," I forced out, he hold tightened before he let go, "And you're lucky…" I quickly climbed off the table and made my way away from him, rubbing my throat and trying not to cough before I got to the living room where Axel would be able to see me. I turned around the corner to find him standing right there, "Oh, hey, I was just gonna check up on you," he quickly said, I nodded my head, I didn't want him to leave but I just wanted to sleep.

We sat in my room for a little while, he told me a whole bunch of stories that added to why he was currently in foster care- including a few trips he took to a psyche ward, and then his phone went off, "My foster mom wants me back now…" nodding my head I watched him stand up, "Hey, wait, Axel… could you do me a favor?" he nodded his head before I was even done speaking, "Could you leave out my window?" my face looked probably nervous as fuck, my window was actually pretty big and it was just over my height before it hit the ground- so Axel should be fine with the height, he seemed a little shocked at first before he gave a small smile and nodded his head, "Why the hell not?" he chuckled, I quietly opened my window and he jumped out, "See you in school tomorrow Rox," he waved as he walked across the neighbor's lawn- taking a short cut to get to his house.

I hoped Xemnas would just think Axel was still here and was spending the night, because then I would be free of the worry, I slipped into the bathroom for my normal routine, finding I already had small bruises from Xemnas' hand on my throat. And Axel hadn't said anything.

_**So, this is a completely new chapter :3**_

_**Uploaded: 5/20/2013, I've nothing to fix since it's from scratch, and I haven't edited/proof read yet. **_


	7. Chapter 7: One Affliction

Do you remember that little plan I had to sneak Axel _out_ of my room and not have Xemnas notice? Yeah, that worked till about 5 in the morning came and Xemnas' wanted to _check up_ on us and see how we were doing only to find Axel wasn't in the room. The only reason I know it was 5 am was because I kept waking up ever since I fell asleep- the cuts in my arm, as it turns out, were a lot deeper then I meant them to be on top of the ones from the day before… and the day before that, and the day before that. I had no sooner rolled over on my bed- my wrist being held to my chest, as Xemnas opened my door.

Sleep and me might not have been getting along but I wanted to hurry up and get back to my dream- it wasn't necessarily _dirty_ but it might not have been a g-rated dream. But when I had just started to get comfortable I felt something that wasn't happening in my dream and definitely not from the person I was dreaming about. My room was already lit from the sun but I was too nervous to turn around, their hand rested on my shoulder, moved down my arm, moved down my side, moved down my leg and then was back up to my arm again- and just, no. I whipped around as fast as I could, scaring Xemnas a little in the process,

He moved to put his hands back on my body but I pushed him away, I would've smiled in pride when I was able to shove him so hard he stumbled to his feet to keep from falling on the floor, but the pain that resided in my wrist overtook that joy. Clutching my wrist, completely forgetting about Xemnas for a second, I leaned and twisted a bit so my back was against the wall- tried to anyway.

Xemnas jumped back at me and somehow had me lying down and his hand up my shirt in two seconds, "What the Hell?" I struggled to get away, and eventually I was able to scurry up the bed and away from his hand. "Shh…" Xemnas said as he moved closer to me on the bed, "You're mother's sleeping," my hands were out of commission- my wrist was wounded and my other hand was trying to put pressure on my wrist to stop the blood flow because I was stupid and managed to reopen the wound.

It may not have reopened but rather the blood of the scab dried in my arm warmer- because it did that a lot, and when my arm warmer was pulled differently like it was, off ripped the scab, but whatever it was it now meant my wrist was bleeding again and hurt. Xemnas reached for me slowly but I moved against the wall more, "Go away, why are you in my room?" it was a rhetorical question that a hidden meaning- said meaning was, "Get the Hell out," but he just moved closer and closer.

I don't know what came over me but in that moment I felt like maybe I could channel into the secret ninja in me that everyone had- and use that to roll and jump from my bed, around Xemnas, and be able to run out the door without Xemnas being able to grab me. And well, yeah, turns out not everyone has the secret ninja in them because I had no sooner got my feet over to put them on the floor and Xemnas pinned me down. His hands pinching and pinning my wrists above my head, "Get off me!" I started yelling but he quickly slapped me.

I'd been hit before and I know the hits going to feel one of three ways, one: can't feel a damn thing, too much adrenaline and just too in the moment to be hurt, two: my jaw's going to get ripped off, and the rare three: you hit like a bitch. And Xemnas got the lucky 2! My head whipped do the side, my heart freezing for a second while everything seemed to pause, there was a stinging in my cheek like vibrations and within a few seconds the pain hit, blood rushed in my ears, my eyes watered, my jaw felt broken, my cheek exploded with a feeling of thousands of needles jabbing into me and all my senses were bombarded.

Trying to pull my wrists down and out of his hold got me nowhere, I couldn't help but whine in irritation and pain as I struggled to get my hands free and blood oozed on my wrist and in my mouth. I'd take the blood over anything because as soon as I complained in my head about the iron taste there was a mouth on mine. His teeth smashed through both are lips to ache my own teeth, and I could feel the blood oozing from a new wound on my lips, I twisted every way I could and soon he pulled back, I looked away from him so he wouldn't be able to put his lips on mine again. "Go," wiggled a little more, "Away!" I screamed in frustration.

Another smack to the face and another few seconds wasted while I tried to remember how to breathe and function after the pain hit, choking on the air as I tried to breathe it fast enough to match my racing heart but _not_ seem like I was panicking I whispered, "Get off me…" This time he didn't smack me, he didn't cover my mouth, instead one of his hands came down to brush my heated and pained cheek.

"Shh…" he started, "It's okay," and that's when I felt the tears welding up in my eyes, my heart raced faster and told him how just how scared I was in all of this. "It's alright… I just want to show you, that I love you…" he started and I could feel his weight shift on the bed and see his face getting closer so I pushed my head hard into the bed to escape, but he didn't stop so I shook my head back and forth, his hand tightened on my chin but he couldn't stop my movements all the way. "Go away," I said again, his hand moved up from my chin and then I felt a dull pressure then a stinging one as his fist tightened around my hair

My eyes were squeezed tight now, to stop any tears from falling- there was no way I was going to let him see me cry, I felt his cheek against mine as he began whispering, "Your mother doesn't love you…" he directed his lips more fully at my ear, "She doesn't love anyone… I'll show you what it means to be loved," his hair brushed my face and chin as his face moved down and then I felt his mouth clamp onto my neck. I tried to push him off, to get him to go away, I told him to leave me alone over and over again but he didn't stop, my heart rate only increased as my mind raced with scenarios of how this could end- none of which were good.

Every time my voice got too loud- I realized, he would bite down harder for a second till I got quiet again, his thumb pressed against my wrist and into the wound so hard the pain was making my stomach churn. "Let go…" I whined out, I could deal with his disgusting hickeys and mouth but I couldn't stomach the pain anymore, and it was like he noticed my sudden change in attitude, his hand loosened on my wrists and then he pulled my wrists closer to his face. "Does this hurt?" he squeezed my wrist with one hand while the other one held my other wrist away so I couldn't use my arm, I gasped in pain and tried to pull away but my wrist went nowhere.

"Take off the bracelets," he let go of my wrists and sat back, I scooted to sit up, shaking my head in the process, I was going to try to make another run for it but his arm was suddenly against the wall next to my head- blocking me there. His hand was barely touching my ear and shoulder but enough so I could know his appendage was there. "Take them off," he hissed, "Or I will rip them off," he carefully enunciated it as he spoke, but I shook my head again, "No," I whined yet again, if it was possible I'd rather be completely naked then to show him my cuts and scars- when I was alone I thought about showing them off but when I was actually with another person it was a fear that they'd see.

His other hand moved up to my wrist and he tried to pull the bracelets off, I struggled with his hand while he struggled to get the bracelets off, "Take them off," he said again and I didn't bother to give him a reply. "Stop," I mumbled as he got off a few bracelets, I had slid down the bed a little in hopes of getting away or as a result of my struggle but either way he was taking off more and more bracelets and there was less and less left on my wrist. All that was left on my wrist was my black arm warmer and fishnet and didn't delicately pulled it off- instead he grabbed the end and yanked it, the fabric folded over itself before it was free from my wrist.

If the scabs had been intact any more than they were I would probably be screaming rather than gasping in pain, but before Xemnas could look at my wrist I tried to shove him away again- not caring about the pain because I could worry about that later. His lips pressed against mine and I was left trying to struggle against that before I felt his thumb brush over my cuts, I hissed in pain as he pulled back and looked at my wrists, "I forgot you even did this…" he mumbled to himself, he pressed the side of my wrist were they was no cuts to his lips, "Sorry to hurt you," after everything he did and was planning to do- that's what he was sorry about?

Trying to pull my arm away got me nowhere, Xemnas lowered his head again and I could feel his mouth on my neck yet again, "Go away- why're you doing this?" he pulled away like that was the million dollar question, "Why?" he started, "I told you why… I want to show you what love, _real love_, is," "This- sure as Hell is not _real love_," I grumbled back, he didn't seem hurt, he didn't seem at all put off, but instead he just watched me for a second before he started talking.

"This can go one of three ways," as I began to struggle he began to pin my wrists, "One: you keep going the way you're going… it'll take longer for it to be enjoyable," my stomach flipped from the pain in my wrists, "Two: you stop fighting me it'll all be pleasurable," I couldn't' stop the pained whine that left my throat as I tried to pull my arms down, "Or three: I'll give you more drugs than your tiny little body can handle where every little sensation will show you what real love is," I turned away from him- there was no way in hell I was giving him an answer because there was no way in hell I was going to admit to him what I would allow him to do- because I wouldn't allow him to do anything.

"Chose…" he whispered in my ear, "Which one?" again, there was no way I was going to give him an answer and codon anything to happen. He tried to kiss me on the lips again but I struggled and fought with him, he asked if I meant choice one and I stilled- I was already in pain, I don't think my stomach or any other part of my body could deal with pain. He leaned down to kiss me again but I still tried to get away, I gasped in pain as he squeezed my wrist- but he let go so I was able to bring my wrist down to my chest and squeeze it with my other hand, and then I felt the bed straighten as his weight was gone.

But I realized too late that he was gone, as soon as my freedom became apparent and I tried to stand up I was pushed back down onto the bed, looking up I saw Xemnas holding a plastic cup of water down for me to take- there was only a little bit of water in it, which meant it had drugs. Trying to get around him got me nowhere but pushed back onto the bed, he pressed the cup to my lips but I shook my head and didn't open my mouth. The cup was gone from my lips and in a second his weight was all on me again. I beat against his shoulders and chest to get him off of me but he only pinned my hands down with one of his while the other hand clamped down on my jaw.

His tongue was forced into my mouth- and while I instantly felt dirty like no amount of soap or toothpaste would clean off my mouth, I didn't struggle because I didn't want him to do worse- till a liquid started to flow from his mouth to mine and it sure as hell wasn't saliva. I tried to detach my lips from his but his hand moved from my chin to hold my neck and jaw still. Once I was able to coordinate myself enough to breathe through my nose I was at a loss because his hand moved up to cover my nose. The need for air was getting stronger and strong and soon I couldn't stop my lungs from trying to pull air in, but Xemnas wouldn't let go till I swallowed the liquid.

Choking on the bits of water that stayed in my mouth as I tried to breathe in my head rolled to the side to get rid of the discomfort in my trachea, which it turns out isn't a fan of water. There was a rubbing on my cheek I just took notice to, my hands were now free but I didn't want to move and for him to pin them down again, "Good…"' he whispered in my ear before he started to kiss the side of my neck, I brought my hands down and tried to push against his chest but even though his chest budged a little here and there- his head and face went nowhere.

I couldn't stomach anymore of this, his kissing and disgusting movements were just too much, I started kicking again and both coughed and yelled at him but he didn't stop. Soon though, everything began to blur and blend, everything became fuzzy and nothing was clear- sound, vision, touch- all was hazy.

My heart rate slowed but the nausea feeling in my stomach went nowhere, his hands moved around me but my own felt numb and tingly. Why couldn't he have just knocked me out? Guess I wouldn't be seeing Axel today…

**_*Gasp* Two updates in one day?! How you ask?! Because I have no life- that's how. _**

**_Fixed/Updated- 5/20/13, didn't proof read it though..._**


	8. Chapter 8: One Phenomenon

When I finally woke up I had Xemnas' arm draped over me, after sneaking away from that I locked myself in the bathroom- trying not to fall in the process. Falling to my knees in front of the toilet I forced myself to throw up, forced the contents of my stomach out, I smacked around on the counter to find my toothbrush and toothpaste from my place on the floor, I struggled to get my boxers off after that, realizing that all my bracelets for my arm were still in my room- but I didn't care enough at the moment to go back and get them.

I sat in the shower, the toothpaste and toothbrush sitting on the floor in the tub because I hadn't gotten around to scrubbing my mouth clean yet. My knees were drawn to my chest while my arms rested on them, my hands bent back to overlap my fingers on the back of my neck. As I thought about what happen my fingers unlocked and began pulling at my hair- I was still a virgin if his…specific parts… hadn't entered mine… right?

People brag about losing their virginity but honestly- I was in no hurry, especially to lose it in a way that wasn't with someone I liked and wasn't consensual. With every thought I pulled harder, my body had felt like silly putty in his hands last night and I hated myself for not being able to stop what he did. Reaching under a shampoo bottle I grabbed out my razor, the water was freezing cold and my constant pulling on my hair wasn't enough anymore. My body ached as I turned but I instantly felt better with the razor in my grasp.

Dried blood caked my arm but slowly either chipped off or was being run down from the water but still there, I looked at my body for the first time- his hands were bloody because he kept grabbing my wrist and there was bloody handprints all over my body. I dropped the razor on the shelf and picked up the body wash and the loofah next to it, and even after the prints and stains were gone I continued to scrub because all I could see was his hands or where they had been. In the hectic mess of it all I began brushing my mouth, gagging myself a few times as I scrubbed. Soon my skin was red as if his handprints were now covering everything- I gave up on the taste I couldn't get to leave and I scrubbed harder but I couldn't get rid of the feeling either.

Throwing the soapy sponge against the wall as hard as I could just because I could, I grabbed my razor and ripped it across skin without a second thought. Only this time it was against my leg- the new location held no meaning and all I saw was a new open canvas, I cut rows from my knee all the way up to my thigh, watching as the skin split and blood slowly bubbled out to fill the wound, once the wound was full it would bulge from the buildup before breaking free of the sticky bubble and cascade down. I sat back so the water wouldn't touch me, enjoying the blood flow even more, the cuts were enough to distract my mind and help push away what I didn't want to remember, but I wanted comfort.

I held the blade to my wrist, weakly dragging it across with little to no eagerness, I wanted the blade to rip and bite at my wrist- because that was the only thing that comforted me, and that was all I wanted. Up to my elbow was covered in tiny scratches- I wasn't worried though, I knew they would fade quickly and be almost invisible, and that didn't bother me because I knew they would be there till I felt better and then they would fade. Lying on the shower floor I didn't even hiss in pain as the water bounced off my knee that I had propped up and landed in my cuts. No I just enjoyed all the feelings that were almost not there, the feeling of my soul being pulled back and down was a comforting feeling all on its own, reachable only through blood loss.

When my wounds had stopped bleeding as profusely as they were, I hoisted myself up- cringing in pain of my own and not my own doings. I was happy I kept clothes in the bathroom, I grabbed a long sleeve stripped thermal shirt and pulled it on, not bothering with my remaining bracelets, and my boxer's and dark jeans- I knew the cuts on my leg weren't going to stop bleeding as easily as I wanted. The only thing I needed was my shoes and then I would leave, as I slipped out of the bathroom I peeked into my room- finding that Xemnas had left my bed, didn't matter though, I would have to burn that bed anyway.

My gaze was fixed on the door as I walked through the living room, pushing off Xemnas' glare at me, and walked out onto the street, I would have ran but my body wouldn't be up for the challenge. Walking around town I found myself passing the library- which was kind enough to have a giant clock on the front of it, it was almost 1 pm, and for some reason I found myself wanting to go to school and see if maybe Axel wanted to work on the project.

I waited outside school, leaning against the wall the doors to enter were on, but as time ticked by I realized I couldn't be there- I stood up and left, if Axel saw me he would ask where I was and I didn't want to lie to him- even if it was a white lie. By the time I crossed the street and was walking down my own I saw school let out and the kids waltz out of the school, I saw a blob of red and black- Axel, and saw him messing around with other people, even from this far away I could tell he was smiling. I would've just ruined that.

Of course home was the last place I wanted to be but I just wanted to sleep and as I passed my house it looked like no one was inside, and with a quick look over I was happy to find no one was. Locking the door with both locks I sat at the kitchen table, I didn't know why but I wanted to cry- there was this hollow feeling that I hadn't been able to push off since before I even began walking. Nervously I grabbed the phone in the kitchen off the hook and began dialing my sister's number.

"Hey Rikku," I smiled through watery eyes even though she couldn't see me. "Hey Rox!" she was overly happy, I wanted to tell her to come home- to make Xemnas go away, but it was Friday- she would be home Sunday, till then I didn't want to mess up her time with Keyakku. "You're back home now?" "Huh? Oh, no… I was just stopping by to get clothes and figured I'd call you…" I quickly lied, I didn't want to ruin her time but I wanted so bad to hear from her and for her to tell me everything would be fine.

"How's it going?" her voice was energetic and she started laughing like someone was tickling her- I realized this before, Rikku pretty much dropped everything for me, "Uh, it's going good, I was just checking to see how you were doing," "Oh," she was laughing, "I'm really good Rox, I'll be back Sunday morning, okay? Make sure you're back from your friend's house by then," "Yupp," "Are you okay? You sound a little sad?" "Huh? Yeah, I'm fine… just missing my sister is all…" "I miss you too… we'll be back Sunday okay?" we ended the conversation not too long after that.

I happened to be walking towards my room when I heard a car park out front, the breaks squealing all the while, I ran to the door, looking out the peep hole, unlocking the door quickly and running out the back door. I didn't want my mother or Xemnas to go around the back to try and get in when they couldn't open the front door, though I knew my mother would have no trouble just picking the locks. I waited at the corner of the house till I was sure they wouldn't be coming out or looking and being able to see me- I didn't want to deal with the confrontation- now, or later.

Walking across the lawn much like Axel did the night before I walked all the way to the park, sitting at the table where Axel and I had sat the day before, I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but I felt like I was going to cry my eyes out all at the same time. Everything hurt- physical or mental and the hollowness in my body I knew would only get worse before my sister got back, squeezing my hand into a fist and craning my hand back I felt the scabs under my shirt sleeve rip. The burning in my leg had subsided a bit, but every step made my pant leg brush against the wounds and every moved pant leg made the scabs get pulled.

I didn't bother to go back, afraid of what Xemnas might do now, so I rested my head against the picnic table and rested- was it sad to say I felt better sleeping in public at night by myself than in a house, in my bed? Who cares though, the coldness of the night contradicted the heat of the day and was quiet comfortable, sleep soon took me and I was fine with that.

I woke up to something nudging my arm, "Huh?" I made a small noise, looking to see what was nudging me, surprised to find it bright as Hell already- I thought I'd only been asleep an hour or two, "You can't sleep here," it was a cop, I nodded my head and slowly stood up, not bothering to stretch because I knew it might hurt, I looked around- it really wasn't as bright as I thought, "What time is it?" I forced out as the policeman watched me take a few steps as if seeing if I was drunk, "It's almost 6," nodding my head I walked away. Having no idea where I was going to go, but knowing he wasn't going to let me stay there and I sure as hell wasn't going back to where I knew my mother and Xemnas would be.

"Hey," looking behind me I saw Axel walking towards me, his hands in his pockets as his legs jogged, or skipped, or something so he was closer to me faster, "What're you doing up so early?" he asked me but before I could think of a lie that I knew I would hate telling him he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder, "I saw that pig wake you up… were you sleeping out here?" I decided to avoid the question, "What're you doing up so early?" "Me? I was at a friend's house- I haven't gone to sleep yet, they passed out so I figured I'd walk home and sleep in my own bed…" his excuse was a lot better than mine.

"So why're you out here?" "I just…" I started mumbling, "I just didn't want to go home…" "You're parents?" "Yeah," I said quietly, even though I was looking at the ground not too far in front of me I could feel him turning his head every few seconds to look at me, "You wanna sleep at my place?" "Huh?" "You've already slept in my bed once, I'm guessing you don't want to go back yet, and you look tired…" "Is your foster mom going to care?" I asked after a few minutes of silence, "Nah, she'll be fine with it, she likes you- cuz you're quiet," I gave a small smirk but that was the end of our conversation till we were up in his room.

"Do you want to borrow some pajama pants or something?" he asked me while he took his over shirt off, leaving him in a beater, I shook my head- I would've taken him up on that offer but for two reasons I couldn't- one: I wanted the safety of button and zipped jeans, and two: I didn't want to get blood on them from my leg- I didn't know if it would start bleeding because I liked to sleep on my stomach. "You sure?" again I nodded my head and he dropped it there, he didn't even put pajama bottoms on himself but rather stayed in his jeans and beater.

Slowly I sat on the floor- only slowly because I didn't want to hurt anything, "You can sleep on the bed," shaking my head again I spoke, "It's your bed," "But you're the guest," and we reached a stand still. "Well… my bed is on the big side, we could both sleep on it and still not be touching- you're tiny enough," he pulled the blankets back off the bed, after a little while longer of convincing me I was lying on the inside of the bed, huddled against the wall while Axel laid on his back near the edge. His bed was big enough because neither of us were touching, "Hey…" he started, "How tired are you?"

"Why?" "I just… wanna talk to you… you know?" slowly I rolled over, picking my thigh off the bed so I wouldn't rub the cuts on the fabric and make it hurt more, I faced him as he stared at the ceiling, "About what?" my arms were crossed but resting in front of my face, I watched Axel's face but he didn't seem like he minded, "What happened with you and your parents?" "Uh," I said shortly and quietly, I hadn't been expecting him to ask that right out of nowhere, but I guess it wasn't really nowhere because I _was_ trying to sleep in his bed and I _did _refuse to go home. Letting out a sigh I opened my eyes slowly again, to find Axel looking at me, his face turned so he could stare with both eyes.

Tipping my head down a bit I looked at the crook of my covered elbow, not wanted to look at Axel, "We just… didn't get along…" I mumbled, hoping he'd leave it at that, "I saw him hurting you," I couldn't help but look up in surprise, my mouth moving to say, "What?" but nothing came out, he barely nodded his head, "When I went over to your house… he picked you up by your throat and slammed you on the table… I heard the noise and went to check on you…" my heart raced- I was embarrassed and a little betrayed- I don't know why, but that's what I felt.

"So… what happened to make you miss school- and to be sleeping outside?" his voice was quiet but not at all weak, he sounded determined like he knew he was going to get an answer one way or another. Taking a deep breath I didn't know what to say, what if I told him what happened and he thought _I_ was disgusting, what if he wouldn't be friends with me because of it- what if he told the cops? "Just… It's nothing," I quickly finished, panicking midway through my confession, "Rox," he shifted to lie on his side also but I still looked down. "Will you tell me- I know we aren't really close but… we're friends, right?"

That surprised me a bit, slowly nodding my head, "Then just tell me- I'm not going to get you in trouble with anyone… trust me," "It's just… Xemnas…" I shook my head weakly, closing my eyes, "Just him being a creeper…" I finished. "What'd he do?" shaking my head I deviated from his question, "It's nothing- and I just wanna sleep…" he stayed quiet for a few minutes and I thought he'd let me sleep, "He didn't hurt you- you know, in a _sexua__l..._ way… did he?" I wanted to tell him no but I wanted to give him what he wanted so he'd let me sleep, "A little… it's not as bad as you're making it seem, really…" he took a deep breath but I kept my eyes closed, "Can I- I mean, do you mind if I touch you?" my eyes shot open to look up at him, when I didn't shake my head no he moved a little closer and gave me an awkward hug.

"I'm sorry Rox…" since when had he started calling me that- I had no idea but I didn't care, I was glad he was, and I was glad he was giving me a hug, he moved just a little and a pressure was applied to my wrist- hurting the cuts that were torn from Xemnas and the scratches, and I couldn't stop the jolt of pain that went through me. "Sorry," he quickly said, I shook my head without looking at him, he stayed quiet for another few seconds before asking, "Rox… can I see your wrists?" instantly I pulled my wrists against me, "No…" "Rox, please," "No," I cut him short.

He stayed quiet and shifted on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows, "Is there something there?" I didn't answer and he continued, "Please… you don't have to show me- just tell me… is there something there… that you did?" slowly and a little hesitantly I nodded my head. He took a deep breath and I waited to see what he would say or do, "Let's… just go to sleep for right yet…" he finally said, laying back down, I didn't wait for him to fall asleep- I didn't wait for the thoughts swelling in my head to die down, I slept instantly knowing that nothing bad would happen and that I was with my friend.

I felt someone nudging my arm again, I groaned, "5 more minutes," I mumbled, lingering between the peace of dreamland and the discomfort of reality. The nudging continued and I slowly rolled over to see who was nudging me, "Hnn?" I questioned, cuddling into the blanket I found even though it was a little too warm for comfort, "Hey, Roxas, it's almost two, you wanna get up?" I shook my head, my eyes were rested and that just so happen to mean they were closed, I heard him laugh so I blinked open an eye, looking around to find Axel looking at me while sitting on the bed.

"You gonna get up?" "Do I have to?" he laughed again, "No, I guess you don't… doesn't your sister come back soon?" "Tomorrow," he made an, "Ah," sound and I heard him moving around in the room, "Come on sleepy head, you're going to sleep the day away," "Ehhhhh," I groaned, curling up into his blanket more till I felt something touching my back- I flew off the bed, landing on my butt, "Woah, Rox, it's just the cat," Axel quickly said, moving closer to me, "Uhhh," I groaned again, laying on my side on the floor as soon as I spotted the feline on the bed, "Ow…" the sudden hit of pain to my ass hurt more than I wanted to admit- not to mention all my cuts got a little zap in the process, "You okay there partner?" "Mhmm," my eyes shut as Axel continued around his room, soon I was told to come down and get food and Axel wouldn't accept any of my answers that meant no.

We ate in the kitchen, I wasn't all that hungry so I just had a piece of toast with butter on it, Axel tried to get me to eat some sausage too but I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach it. We went outside, after Axel asked if I'd be up for a walk, we were walking around the familiar town, went into a few stores so Axel could buy a Monster energy drink or some small bag of spicy Cheetos- he offered me some of both since I refused to let him buy me anything but again I refused. My stomach just didn't feel right and the small thought of food made me want to puke.

"Roxas!" turning around I saw my mother in her car, "What the hell are you doing!" she wasn't drunk and she wasn't with Xemnas- why she was caring about me now I had no idea. "I, uh, I'm just, walking… around…" I said pathetically, she rolled her eyes, "Get in the car," she said, reaching across the seat to unlock the passenger side door, "Um, I was going to keep hanging out with," "Roxas! I'm not in the fucking mood! Get in this fucking car," I wanted to jump back but I could feel Axel watching me, "Come on, Roxas' mom- we were just starting to have fun," Axel quickly smiled, my mother smiled back, "Of course, but Roxas ran off yesterday and never bothered to tell me where he went- so get in the car Roxas," her tone was sweet to Axel but venomous to me.

And it pissed me off that she was suddenly deciding to care about when I didn't come back, before I snapped I should've made sure I wasn't within arms-reach, "Why does it matter? You never cared before," before I could even get the whole word out she grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me against her car- hard, my forehead slammed against the car door but she didn't care. "I told you Roxas, I'm not in the fucking mood to deal with your shit! Now get, in, the, fucking, car." She let go and I knew I had two options, one: Run and not look back, two: get in the car with her.

Option one, I started to back up, seeing how she let go of my shirt but before I could even turn she started talking again, "If you don't get in this car now I'll have Xemnas out looking for you later," that made me cringe, "Now," she said again, taking a deep breath I slowly nodded my head, "I'll see you later Ax…" I dragged my feet all the way over to the other side of her car, hating that I had to leave Axel and deal with more problems instead, "See you later Rox," he smiled and waved, I watched in the side mirror as we drove away- his smile dropped and it was like he looked nervous.

"What's wrong?" she asked looking at me quickly before back at the road, "Nothing… I just wanted to hang out with my friend…" We drove in silence after that; my mother was heading to a store or something it seemed and she was bringing me along for the ride. I glanced over at her to see that look I sometimes caught her wearing- she looked sad, yet angry at herself, and it might sound confusing but that's just because my mother's a confusing person. She yells a lot and likes to do spur of the moment things, she doesn't realize till later that it affects other people- when it comes to Rikku and me she promises us that she'll change and she's stays like that for a day or two- the perfect Mother.

And I know that's really her- it's not her acting, but then something comes up and she's out being her other-self again and I know it's strange but when she sees how she's hurt us she does feel regret. Time and time again- when she breaks her promises, Rikku and I know she is actually sorry but she just can't change herself. That's why my sister and I never hold a grudge against her, she's still our mother and we still love her- in both her mother moments and _her_ moments.

I expected her to be going out to buy more alcohol but we passed the store- I didn't bother to ask though, I'd figure it out eventually, soon I found us pulling into a McDonald's, "What do you want?" she asked me as we slowly pulled up to the drive through, "You don't have," "Come on Roxas, chose," her voice was a little short, "Just some fries," "Order a meal, you're getting skinny again," slowly I nodded my head, "Chicken strips," it came out more of a question than an answer but my mother accepted it as such. She ordered just my food, with my favorite soda- and let me just tell you- it made me feel loved that she remembered after all this time what my favorite soda was.

"Eat up," she handed me the bag and set the drink in the holder, I was curious as to why she was buying me food but every time I ever asked before she would always say, "Because I'm your mother," so I figured I'd just eat it. Even though my stomach was still a little off- the fact that the food was from my mother pushed that aside, slowly I ate some fries, holding the small red carton towards her to ask if she wanted any, she smiled and grabbed some out. She quickly chewed as we pulled into a parking lot- the one for the liquor store, she wiped her hands off on her pants as she stood up, "I'll be back in a second, finish up your fries," she shut the door and walked into the store.

She came out with a paper bag not too long after, I finished the fries like she said in the meantime, she put the bag in the back on the floor and we were driving back towards home, my home, "Want one?" I asked quietly, holding the carton full of a few chicken strips up for her to choose, she shook her head, "If I eat anymore Xemnas' will yell that I'm getting fat," she craned her head to look down another road while we were at a stop sign, "If you can't finish them save 'em," she took a sip of my soda instead and after one I had to put the box down.

"Your friend," my mother started, "You should invite him over more often," "Why? So you can show off your alcohol addiction?" my sentence was sassy but my voice quiet and had almost no attitude in it, "Wah, wah, wah- is that all you do? Mope and cry," she looked both ways at a stop sign, "I like your friend," nodding my head I looked out my window, "Isn't he a little young for you?" "Age is just a number, can't let you have all the cute ones," she smiled and looked at me, when I didn't smile she smacked my arm- trying to do so lightly but it was a little harder than a friendly smack, "Oh come on, loosen up, that was funny," I forced a smile- she was happy, I shouldn't try to mess that up.

Rolling up my bag with my food still in it as we drove around town I thought about what my mother said, that Xemnas would yell that she was getting fat. My mother was in no way fat and a few extra pounds wouldn't hurt her but she always dated guys that only liked her for her body and expected her to have a super model body- they always talked down to her. "You're not fat," I said after a few minutes of silence, she smiled, "It doesn't matter if _you_ think that, _you're_ not the one I'm dating," I didn't want to get into another conversation about how she could date better because that always ended in an argument and I really didn't want that right now especially since she had gone out of her way to buy me food and be her good-Mom-self.

We pulled into the driveway and climbed out, my mother grabbed the bag from the backseat as I moved as slowly as possible so I could follow her inside, we walked in and Xemnas was sitting on the couch, he looked at us- at me before following my mother into the kitchen, "Where's the rest of the money?" I could hear him ask as I slowly walked to my room, "I used it to buy _my son_ some food- is that a fucking problem?" my mother defended, I shut my door quietly, not wanted to get dragged into their argument. I set the bag on the dresser and walked around my room to find clothes to change into.

Another long sleeved shirt and a looser pair of jeans later and I was eating the rest of my chicken strips, trying to work on homework before Rikku got home in the morning. As I started writing and filling in answers I was a little scared when I heard someone knock on my door and in walked Xemnas, "What do you want?" I was a little more than pissed that he decided to walk into my room- but a little more scared than anything. "You're mother…" he started as he sat on my bed, still in between my door and me, "She's thinking of leaving me," he ran a hand through his hair, "Why do I care?" I thought but didn't say, instead I stayed silent.

"I need you to make it right," "Me? What am I supposed to do?" "Move back in with your mother," he didn't sound as desperate he did a few seconds ago, "What- what does that have to do with her staying with you?" "She thinks it's my fault you moved out," "It is!" "She says I'm ruining her more as a mother- and if you move back in then she'll have no problem staying with me," I didn't know what to say, my mother would say that but Xemnas was the reason I moved out- why the hell would I want to move back in with him?

"I'm not changing schools," I quickly blurted out, "You don't have to- there's an apartment down the street for rent," "Then why are you here instead of there?" "_Because_," he sounded annoyed with the fifty questions, "You're mother was hoping to convince you to move in with us beforehand…" and again- that sounded believable, "If I do- you aren't allowed in my room, _ever_," he smirked like that was funny, "I knew you cared," "Not for you," I quickly bit out, "For my mother- who I love and care for, I don't give two shits if she kicks your sorry ass to the curb," I instantly felt a hand hit my face- bruising even more of my flesh, "You're mother talked to your sister earlier- she plans on talking to your sister about it tomorrow when she gets back," his hand slid from where it was placed on my cheek to be on my neck with his thumb holding under my chin.

He tipped my head back and pressed his lips against mine, I tried to scoot back- dropping what was in my hand and not caring about my homework, I pushed at his shoulders and tried to get him to go away, he pulled away with a smirk after he forced his tongue in my mouth. He left and I spit- rubbing my tongue on my shirt to get rid of his taste, hopefully I could get close to my mother again and push Xemnas out of the picture. Rubbing my face with my sleeve I glared at the door- imagining it was Xemnas.

_**Yay! Another chapter :3**_

_**If I haven't said anything yet- thanks for the reviews, if you haven't reviewed yet- please explain how you feel about the story when you get around to it *hinthint* xD **_

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_**Uploaded: May 21, 2013.  
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	9. Chapter 9: One Development

Trying to occupy myself I did homework almost all night, and by 'did homework' I mean sat, laid, and rolled around on the floor with my school stuff around and tried to do a question till I realized it was too difficult and then I began to scribble and think. Maybe I could get mom to leave Xemnas- to encourage his leave, and on top of that what was Rikku going to say when she came home- when she learned I let our mother into her house?

A few hours later I ended up falling asleep in one of my note books, pen still in hand. I woke up to my hear talking from the living room, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and rubbed my face- hoping I didn't have pen ink on my cheek or anything. Slowly I opened my door and looked out to see my mother sitting at the table, Rikku standing right by the table across from her and Xemnas and Keyakku giving each other glares while they leaned against the cupboards in the kitchen. Quietly I walked out, "He moved in here because he didn't want to live with your boyfriend," "I know that," my mother answered Rikku, "Roxas- you're awake," Xemnas remarked like he was trying to cue in my beg-to-live-back-with-my-mom acting.

"Roxas…" "What're you guys talking about?" I played dumb- not really, I didn't want to start assuming what they were talking about and be wrong, my sister let out a sigh but my mother answered first, "I want you to move back in with me," "Why?" I asked nervously, not that it really mattered but I wanted to hear her say why, "Because you're my child- do you know how it feels to know that the two people you gave birth to and raised avoid you?" her voice had gotten rather loud and Rikku was quick to say something about it, "Don't raise your voice to him, he just asked a simple question."

"Mom…" I started, "I told you why I moved out…" if I wasn't hiding halfway behind a corner I don't know if I would even risk saying anything, "That still hasn't changed…" "I know," my mother turned in her seat to look at me, "I was talking to Xemnas about this last night- we decided, if you'll move back in with me to put our relationship on hold," she looked back at my sister like she was waiting to see her response but my sister made no movement like she hadn't even heard what my mother said. "There's an apartment down the road that's for rent- two bedroom, it's big enough for you and me and it's within walking distance to your school…" she stood up and walked closer to me, "Please Roxas… I want to try again- and if it doesn't work, your sister's house is always open…" I looked around her to see my sister nod her head to the last part.

Looking around the room I saw Keyakku giving me a look that said: "If you trust her she's just going to hurt you," whereas Xemnas' glare said: "You better fucking tell her what you told her you'd tell her," silly Xemnas- I never said I would protect your sorry ass. I agreed to move back in with my mother- not for her to stay with you, my mouth opened for me to say something but I didn't know how I wanted to say it, slowly I said, "Mom… you know I love you… I just can't be around your boyfriend," "Then he'll leave- will you move back in with me?" slowly I nodded my head, "If he's gone- then yeah mom," my mother smiled like a child getting what they were screaming about in a store.

"What?" Xemnas pushed off the counter, fear zapped through me, "You heard him Xemnas, we talked about this last night, get your shit and get out," my mother hissed over her shoulder at him, he looked like he was going to explode with rage. He took a deep breath before slowly walking towards the door- which required him to go by me, my heart rate increased as he passed and when I almost felt like I was in the clear a hand grabbed my shoulder and twirled me around.

Through the rush of people shuffling, whether it was Keyakku pushing Xemnas out the door or Rikku verbally helping her boyfriend, everything seemed quiet because of the lack of blood rushing in my own veins. Blood pulsed into my ears and through my body quickly, making me snap out of my shock, my hand shooting up to hold my cheek that exploded with the feeling of thousands of needles pricking into it. "Are you okay?" he asked as he walked back over, having succeeded in pushing Xemnas out the door and shutting it behind him, Keyakku gently grabbed my hand and pulled it away to look at the area, nodding my head my mother spoke up, "Course he's fine, he's my son," she was gloating now and I didn't mind.

My mother left to go put the down payment on the apartment so we could start moving in; while she was gone I sat in my room, on my floor against my bed, thinking even though I was supposed to be packing. "How're you feeling?" my sister asked as she stood in the doorway, I shrugged my shoulders, so she walked in and sat on my bed. "Just like she said, you'll always be welcomed back here if it doesn't work, you know that, right?" "Yeah…" I mumbled, "I just… I don't want it to go bad- and I know it will… and I like living here with you and Keyakku… but I don't want to keep butting into your life Rikku."

We sat there a little while longer before I decided to pack a few clothes and my school stuff- I didn't have very much stuff to begin with, a clock, clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, razors, and my school stuff was literally it. I left a few clothes there- by Rikku's demand, in case I stayed at her house. "So…" I wanted to change the conversation, "How are you and Keyakku now?" "We're good," she smiled, "I remember why I loved him so much when we were kids… I was hurt when I called and mom answered- why didn't you tell me mom was here?" "I'm sorry," I started, "I just didn't want to ruin yours and Keyakku's time together," "You wouldn't've ruined it- everything would've worked out the same…" we stayed silent, "Keyakku told me what happened between you two a month ago…"

Her voice was a little quiet, "He told me what he had asked you and why you two were fighting when I walked in… I'm such an idiot," she mumbled, "I was so afraid that he had hurt you that I didn't even think to remember that it was Keyakku- the person I love and trusted," looking up at her I rested my head on her leg, having returned to my spot on the floor, "You're not an idiot… just a paranoid over protective sister…" she laughed sadly, "And that's not a bad thing," I felt her nod her head as she began running her fingers through my hair.

A few peaceful moments later I heard my sister laugh, "Are you just going to stand there?" she questioned so I opened my eyes and looked to see Keyakku standing in my doorway, he walked in but instead of sitting next to my sister like I thought he would he sat cross legged on the floor right in front of me. Resting his arms on his knees, "Roxas… You're sister and I were talking earlier…" I picked my head up off Rikku's knee to look at him straight, his voice was serious and that wasn't something I really liked. "We want you to know about it before hand and not feel like you were left in the dark…" I looked up at my sister; nervous about what they were talking about, "Well," he started after a pause, "You see…" he looked just as nervous as I felt.

My sister began talking, "Rox- I know you want to trust mom and live with her but… this is her last chance," "What?" "If it doesn't go well this time- then Keyakku and I are going to make mom give up custody of you to us," I started shaking my head slowly, sitting up, looking back and forth between Rikku and Keyakku, "What, why?" "Because," Keyakku started, "Your mother can't keep walking in and out of your life like she doesn't care- it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to Rikku that she has to watch you go through it," I looked at him for a second unable to look away, I scooted a little further from Rikku and looked up at her, "Rikku- you know she cares," "But she's not changing," Keyakku said, I waited for Rikku to say something but she didn't.

"Rikku- you know, you know that mom cares," my voice was panicked and I tried to get Rikku to see what was wrong with what she and Keyakku were asking, "She tries, you know she does," "It doesn't matter," Keyakku started, "What's it matter if she keeps trying when she keeps giving up? We're not asking you to push her out of your life- you'll just live with us and Rikku and I will be your guardians," "But," I looked at Rikku from Keyakku, "We, can't just give up on _her_," "Roxas!" my sister finally said, "Did you hear what Keyakku just said? She tries- I know she does, and she says she cares and deep down I know she does, but Roxas- she can't be herself and be the woman she wants to be at the same time." I didn't understand why my sister was suddenly against my mother.

"Roxas, you need to open your eyes, you're growing up and you need to understand- Mom can say all she wants but you know what, at the end of the day she's still more concerned with getting drunk and doing drugs. You put so much faith in her- you're always quick to believe all her lies and forgive her and it's not healthy Roxas, Mom could be just playing with you and you're too obsessed with the thought of having a perfect mother to notice," there was nothing I could say to that. Keyakku started talking again, "This is your mother's last chance… if anything goes wrong this time around… we're taking guardianship of you," before he was even done I started talking, "Does she know?"

"No… not yet, we will tell her though…" I couldn't believe they were planning this against mom- she had her ups and downs but she was still our mother and it made the hollowness inside me grow just a little bigger, "Look at it this way Roxas," Keyakku began, "If your mother means what she says then there won't be a problem… if there's a problem you'd wind up living here anyway… it's just no more second chances… she'll really have to prove herself…" "That's not fair," "To who?" "To Mom, you and Rikku! You shouldn't be giving mom ultimatums like this and you guys don't need me living here all the time, it's your house for your family!" "And you're part of this family!" Keyakku began loudly, "If it was up to us you wouldn't be going back there now," "What?" "Roxas- she _lies_, about how she's going to change- she always does, been when it gets down to it she chooses a crappy boyfriend over her son. Do you think she really cared when she made that choice?"

"Yes, she," "No, she didn't Rox! If she did- then the moment you decided to tell her that her fucked up boyfriend was trying to touch you she wouldn't have believed his word over yours and thought about her own wants rather than what was best for her son!" Ouch, I think his words physically stabbed my heart, and again- the hollowness grew just a little bigger. I looked down at the ground off to the side of my room, wanting to be alone but there was nowhere for me to go and I didn't want to just walk away- I hated when people just walked away from me when I tried to tell them something so I didn't want to do it to someone else. Keyakku let out a sigh, "Rox…" I gently and loosely folded my arms, carful of my cuts and rather holding my sides in comfort than showing my anger, "I'm sorry I yelled.

"It's just… it hurts- both Rikku and myself to watch you let her hurt you so much…" I looked off to the side, I didn't want anyone to hurt- including my mother, "You understand what we're saying… right?" slowly I looked back over to Keyakku, letting out a shallow sigh I nodded, bringing my knees up to my chest even though I was slouching. Nodding my head I slowly spoke, "I do… I just don't want to hurt mom…" I could be as mean as I wanted to in my head or when I talked about her but I still loved her and I still wanted her to be happy because after all- she's my mother.

My mother came not too long after that, after getting my razors and toothbrush and toothpaste from the bathroom and we were moving in- my mother wrote the address down and Rikku wanted to see it. I guess Mom had pulled some strings and begged so we were able to move in now instead of in a few days. We were on the second floor, the whole flat was covered in a cheap plastic flooring with some weird Victorian print on it, while all the walls were a yellowish white. As soon as you opened the front door you faced a closet across a hallway, take a step in and you can either turn left or right- if you took another step forward your nose would touch the closet.

Take a left and a few steps and there was a large area- a couch already sitting against the far wall, two large windows covered the long wall the couch was at the end of, take another two or three steps and look to your right and you're only a few steps shy the kitchen. The cabinets and counters line the wall and only the wall before stopping at the refrigerator. Go back to that first step you took into the flat and take a right instead of a left and maybe two steps and you can see three doors. There's another small hallway to your left that at the end has a door, that door would be the master bedroom- aka Mom's room, in that hallway on your left there's another door before the master bed room again on the left, of the hallway- that would be the bathroom. Take a few steps back so you're just right off that closet you see when you walk in and look straight- door; that would be the door to my bedroom.

"It's nice Mom," my sister said as she looked around, my mother nodded, "Rox, why don't you put your stuff in your room," nodding my head I turned and went into the room I had been told was mine, it was a little smaller than my room at Rikku's but that didn't matter to me, my sister and Keyakku yelled goodbye and now it was just me and mom. I walked into the kitchen to see my mom with the cupboards open; I sat at the table that was right in front of one of the two big windows. "The lady downstairs was nice enough to give us some stuff," she said as she put the plastic cups in the cupboard, "Course all she had was cheap plastic- but hey, it's better than nothing, right?" my mother smiled so I smiled back.

My mother started talking about all the good things we could do now- go out to eat, go see new movies, get cable and watch TV, "Dammit," she said after a few hours, having just hung up with someone on the phone. "What's wrong?" nervously I asked, "You're sister and her damn boyfriend…" my mother had never really grown accustom to Keyakku- she never really noticed that Rikku and him have been dating for almost most of their lives. "They want custody of you- if I fuck up, this is fucking bullshit!" my mother screamed as she stood up, slamming things around in the kitchen, "Mom?" "What!" she yelled so I didn't bother to say anything.

She turned around and crossed her arms, nodding her head slowly, taking a deep breath, "What?" she asked more calmly, "It's going to be fine," I finally said, she looked surprised for a second before coming over to me on the couch, wrapping her arms around me as she sat facing me, a leg under herself, she rocked with me in her arms, "How'd I get such a good kid like you?" there was no way they could take this from me- this would never be possible if they took me away from her, and they needed to see- this was my real mom, her other moments just went with this.

After a whole, "You have school tomorrow right?" from Mom she decided we should both go to bed early, I got the time from our neighbor downstairs and was now left alone in my room, I asked if I could take a shower before bed so I still I had to do that yet. But I was just looking around my new room- it wasn't very big and the bed that was left here could only lay with the feet towards the door because the room was too small to have it go the other way- but the giant window on the wall opposite the door made the room seem more spacious. The window didn't open but rather could be cranked out a few inches- which it already was, but even if it did open I wasn't really wanting to jump that far just to get outside.

There was nowhere for me to hide my razors in the bathroom yet so I hid them in my school backpack- I would've hidden them in clothes but I knew if I did my mother would try to be wonder mom again and take to washing my clothes for me and it would just end bad. I jumped in the new shower, it didn't feel quite right because I was so used to Rikku's but I got over that when the pain in my leg grew because of how the water was running down it. Just like I thought though- the cuts on my arm were smaller then cat scratches- a paper could do worse but that didn't matter because they made me feel better, till I got to my wrist. My wrist was this light yellowish purple- all my scars were either showing as white or a lack of oxygen purple, the gash in my wrist seemed more like it was a chunk ripped out of my arm rather than something down with a razor- it looked like death.

Washing my cuts was enough pain for me in one night, I attempted to put on bracelets but found that I couldn't because my wrist just hurt too much. So I put on another long sleeved shirt and a pair of pajama pants not caring about the blood staining them.

"Roxas, it's time to get up," my mother knocked on my door, "Come on, it's Monday," she walked away and then walked back a few second later, "I'm making breakfast," I peeled open an eye and looked at her, "Don't give me that look- I'm your mother I can make you whatever I damn well please," I smiled at that and rolled onto my back, she walked out of the room and I decided I should probably get up seeing as how I didn't know how long it would take to get to school.

My mother made me a bagel with cream cheese and butter on it, she also put a few pieces of breakfast sausage in there, taking a bite as I sat at the kitchen table, sliding my shoe on, "Wow," it always surprised me when she made food, "You should've became a chef mom," I said before another bite, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you always say," she sounded a little annoyed and I knew it was stupid of me to say anything- last time I said that she threw the pan in the sink and started yelling about how she fucked up, "I'm kinda glad you didn't," I started, "Now I can keep your delicious food all to myself," I took another bite- I was trying to make her happy so I couldn't just leave the conversation where it was.

"Yeah," he huffed with a laugh, "Get going to school you greedy little fat-ass," I smiled because I knew she was kidding and I knew she was in a better mood since I first started talking, "Bye Mom," I grabbed my backpack and began the walk to school, eating my food on the way, as I got outside I was a little happy I changed my shirt- I had a beater on with a really light zip up hoodie on, the thick long sleeve would've killed me today.

Again I got to school a little earlier than usual but I was a little saddened when I didn't see Axel, once I checked my name off on the attendance list- because that's what we had to do, we had to walk in and right to our left was a new sheet every day with all of our names on it and we had to check off our names so they would know we were there, I noticed Axel hadn't checked in yet. As I started to walk to my first class- the door was still locked but I'd just stand outside it till classes started and the teacher came from a few rooms over- the cafeteria, and she'd open the door.

Kids started showing up meaning it was getting closer to school actually starting, and a few of them gave me weird looks- which was saying something. Then I remembered, while I may be in a good mood and actually happy and feeling open today- I still had bruises that over layered on my face. Pulling my hood up and moving my spiked hair a little I tried to either cover it up or make it just seem like shadows but people just kept giving me looks. I hated this- I felt like I could actually have a conversation with people today and everyone avoided me, I realized there was no point in me even trying to talk to them because we'd only talk if they talked first and none of them were.

Axel was absent I realized- which made me a little sad, we still had to work on our project for English so I could see about going over to his house after school or something. "Are you okay?" someone asked me, Seifer wasn't someone I hated but he wasn't someone I really talked to, I nodded my head having no idea what he was talking about, "When'd you get that shiner?" "Oh… um, Thursday," "Oh," he drew out, "Nice," and then he walked away. People kept giving me weird looks and all that happy open feelings I had earlier were being broken down, even teachers were giving me the silent treatment so I figured maybe today was just a bad day to be happy.

From the moment I accepted that everyone wanted to leave me alone my mind was left to wander, and what everyone thought I was feeling began to become what I was actually feeling- like shit. I thought about hanging out with Axel and how that had seemed so fun and how it all seemed great, then my mind wandered to when he forced those drugs into my mouth and managed to make me feel not only a physical pain but a mental one and all my body could do to try and get away was twist and tense. But even that became impossible as the drugs set in more and more leaving me almost unable to move my body because it just seemed like too much work.

After the feelings were there again I couldn't get rid of them. I spent the next two classes just trying not to cry or freak out, I had brought my legs up to be folded in front of me on the chair and I hugged them tight- I had to or I knew I would start letting on to just how upset I really was. I hated that Xemnas did that to me and I couldn't fight back, I hated the fact that my mother was in the next room but too drunk to even notice, I hated that my sister thought it was best to leave to become reacquainted with Keyakku, I hated that Keyakku left instead of trying to be more stubborn than my sister, and I hated that Axel wasn't able to help me.

Even though my knees were bent up to be visible above the desk I was still slouched in my chair, my one arm out on the desk with pen in hand at least looking like I was paying attention, while my cut arm remained held against my chest. But my thoughts were starting to get to me again, what if I had tried to tell my mother again so that night never happened, what if I screamed for her and even in her drunken state she was able to come in? There was so many things I could've done to stop it from happening but I didn't do any of them- it was my fault it happened and it hurt even more to know that.

My eyes prickled with tears but while I blinked them away I felt someone tap on my shoulder, jumping while I turned I saw the familiar redhead, "You okay Rox?" he asked, I stared at him for a bit, tears still threatening to fall, he took a seat beside me but was watching me- not at all caring what the teacher said because this wasn't even his class. "Yeah… I thought you weren't here today?" dropping my pen I rubbed the under part of my eye with my finger when I felt a tear roll out of my grasp and start down my cheek, "Come with me," he said as he stood up, I looked at the teacher but they were busy with the rest of the kids and didn't even seem remotely concerned with me leaving- like they were okay with it or something.

I followed Axel down the hallway, we walked into the guidance consoler/ social workers office which was a class room sized room but instead of desks she just had a bunch of beanbag chairs and circular fold up chairs and what not in a big circle. Axel shut the door behind me and then spoke again, "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah," I mumbled again, he seemed to let it go.

"Here," I looked up to see him holding something out in his hand, I put my hand out and he dropped it in my hand, "What's this?" Axel laughed, "It's a cell phone, you know, what cliché sixteen year olds can't live without," I looked up at him with a duh expression, "I know that, I mean… why are you handing it to me?" "It's yours now."

"I can't take this," "My foster parents got me a new phone- one on their plan, so this one is pretty much garbage, so I figured I'd give it to you till you got something better. It takes those prepaid card things but I just bought 600 minutes for it so you'll be set for a while." Looking back up at him I pushed my hand out more, "I can't… I don't have any money to pay you," he laughed again, "That's okay- I'm giving it to you as my friend," we were silent for a little while, "You sure?" "Yup, oh, and here," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a cord, "Might need that," he handed me the charger.

"Why are you give it to _me_?" Of all people- I continued in my head, his smirk faded to a sad smile, "Because you're my friend… and well," he rubbed the back of his neck, "When you got in the car with your mom… I was so worried that something bad happened again… and I didn't know how to get ahold of you… I went by your house… I met your sister- Rikku?"

Nodding my head he continued, "Yeah… her and Keyakku?" again I nodded, "They asked if I was the friend you'd been staying with since they were gone," I looked down and off to the side. "Did you tell them you were at my house?" "Yeah- I'm sorry, it's just…" he waited for me to continue, so I took a deep breath, "They were trying to fix up their relationship and I didn't want to worry her by telling her mom and Xemnas were staying at her house… I'm sorry…" his smirk returned for a second, "It's fine Rox, anyway I told them yeah, that you'd been staying with me."

Smiling up at him I saw his smirk fall again, "She told me you moved back in with your mom… why?" "Because she's my mom," "Yeah, but isn't she the reason you moved in with your sister?" "I moved out because of Xemnas- and she kicked him out," I couldn't help but smile, "She wants to try again and she kicked Xemnas out so he's not around anymore," there was a frown on Axel's face.

"Why didn't she kick him out before you moved out?" his voice was calm and even though I should've been able to come up with a good enough reason I couldn't think of one, so I said something else, "You said yourself- it isn't home unless you're with your mother… she's still my mother and I still love her," he didn't say anything but rather continued to frown. "Why're you so unhappy? He was the problem and he left," I finished blatantly. "I just don't want you to get hurt Rox," "And I won't."

There was a silence, Axel still frowning, "Anyway…" he started, "I figured we could hang out after school today, and work on the project?" slowly I nodded my head and his smirk returned so I couldn't help but smile back.

The next few classes passed quickly, Axel put his arm over my shoulder as we walked out and down the road to the park, the park was almost always empty of people and today was no different. We sat there looking at the paper for a good while, "Do you know anything about him?" Axel asked me, "Um… not really… I know he was orphaned when he was a little kid, he had to move in with mean relatives and he grew up to be a depressed self-destructive drunk…" Axel tapped the paper, "That sounds like enough stuff to throw in there to me," after my initial surprise I smirked and picked up the pen, "Yeah, sure I'll right, thanks for asking," "Hey- writings not really my thing," he shrugged.

We began walking to his house so he could check in with his foster mom before he walked me home, as we started walking he started complaining, "Man- it's so fucking hot," I nodded my head, one sleeve rolled up and my hoodie long since unzipped, "Yeah I know," "You can take off your hoodie- I can," he took off his shirt so he was just in a beater, "I can't take much more off than this, I could but I don't want to get the pigs called because someone's granny thinks I'm streaking." I smirked at his comment, pushing off the whole part about me being able to take my hoodie off.

"Why don't you?" "Why don't I what?" "Take your hoodie off?" "Huh- it's not that hot," I quickly spoke, he nodded his head, "Why did you only roll up one sleeve then?" "Why does it matter?" he got me angry that he was asking me these questions, interrogating me like this, "Is it because of what you did?" he asked, looking back at me from his half a step ahead of me, I didn't answer but was shocked when I felt his hand grab the back of my elbow, "What're you," "Come on," he cut me off. We walked in his house, he yelled to his foster mom that he'd be back down in a little and dragged me up the stairs, "Let, go," I tried to get his hand off my elbow but he wouldn't move it.

He shut his door behind him and turned around, leaning against it, "What?" I asked, now trapped, "What's on your other wrist?" "Nothing," my answer was a bit too quick so I added on more, "Literally- there's nothing on my wrist, I didn't feel like putting bracelets on," "Why are you hiding your wrist?" "I'm not hiding anything, why the hell does it matter?" I said a bit too loudly, we were now staring at each other. "Rox… I'm just worried is all… something was definitely not okay today or the last time I saw you. You already told me there was something there last time you were here Rox… I know it's happening- just… let me see?"

"There's nothing on my wrist- I lied," there was a bit of panic in my voice and when I reached for the door knob even though Axel was standing against the door still, he didn't seem shocked at all. "Then let me see," "No," I tried to pull the door, "Roxas, I already know something's there- just let me see," I pulled at the door harder but nothing happened, "Why?" I questioned, Axel's hand grabbed hold of my uninjured wrist, keeping me there, "Please Rox…" his voice sounded so desperate and when I looked up I could see the concern written all over his face. Biting the inside of my mouth I tried to back away, "It's nothing…" "Just… let me see…" his voice sounded hurt and tired.

I felt just like his voice sounded, he slowly reached for my wrist and I made no move to stop him, "I just want to look," he said quietly as I stared down, unable to look up at him, he grabbed the end of my sleeve and the part of my hoodie by the zipper so I'd take the hint to take my arm out. I made no move to help him though, he pushed the fabric off my shoulder and my hoodie fell away to reveal my side and entire arm, he grabbed my wrist again, I could feel him looking at my face having not even glanced at my wrist yet. "Holy shit Rox!"

I didn't look at him, chewing on the inside of my lips still, "Have you been cleaning it?" I didn't respond, in truth I hadn't, I never bothered with cleaning my wrist or disinfecting anything, he opened the door, his hand still lightly holding my wrist. He looked down the hallway before leading me into the bathroom, "Stay here," he told me as he made me sit on the closed toilet lid, "I'll be right back," and he left out the door, he was back a few seconds later, knocking and slipping inside trying to not open the door very far, he had a piece of gauze and some tape in his hand along with peroxide.

I cringed as he washed it off, dabbing it with peroxide a little while after, the whole area bubbled with white, I tried not to let Axel see that it hurt but every time he looked up was the same time I couldn't help but twitch. "Why'd you do this?" he knew why so I wasn't going to tell him again, he placed the gauze on top of my wrist and began wrapping the tape around so it'd stay in place, "Please Roxas… I want to help," "It's fine," "This isn't fine Rox," he was looking up at me from his kneeling place in front of me. "What happened?" "It's nothing," "Oh, just like there was _nothing_ on your wrist?" I looked away instead of responding to his mocking.

"Is this because of what your mom's boyfriend did to you," my hand clenched the end of my shirt tighter- just Axel mentioning it brought back memories, "It is, isn't it?" I bit my lips, pulling my bandaged wrist back to me and holding it against my chest. "It's not bad- I know there's so much worse he could've done," "What did he do? What makes you think this would help you any?" his voice was just short a shout. I was almost hyperventilating so I leaned forward and pressed against my legs, facing the floor but my eyes were closed, "But- it's just," I tried to slow my breathing, "I feel- so disgusting," I looked up at Axel who was still just barely in front of me, shocked, "It doesn't matter how much I scrub at my skin or my mouth- _everything's_ still there," I buried my face in my hands in my downward position , "I just want it all to go away."

I tried to stop my tears before they could fall but just admitting it all was bringing back every feeling I had managed to push away since my mother became my mother again. Axel pulled me forward and hugged me, "Shh Roxas…" he started and instantly I began crying, unable to stop myself when he started rubbing my back.

Axel walked me home, which turns out was a little closer to his house than Rikku's, "Wow, so this is where you guys are staying?" nodding my head I sniffled, my nose still running even though I'd forced myself to stop crying earlier, "Yup… wanna come upstairs?" I asked nervously, he smiled at me and nodded, we walked up and opened the door, my mother wasn't home- didn't know where she was but her car wasn't out front, "This is my room," I showed him my room like a little kid shows off their favorite toy, I looked back at Axel to see him smile, I went by my small bed and plugged in the cord Axel had given me, setting my backpack on the bed in the process, I plugged the phone in he gave me and allowed it to charge.

"Roxas!" I heard my mother called, standing up I walked to my open bedroom door, "Roxa- Oh, guess what?" I noticed the giant smile on her face, "What?" "I got hired!" she flashed me her work schedule while she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and rocked back and forth- moving us around in a circle as I hugged her back, "That's great mom," I didn't even know she was going out to get a job, she had been just living off checks from the government up until now. She pinched my face in her hands and kissed my forehead, she still had a smile when she noticed Axel standing in my bedroom doorway, "You're friends here?" she asked even though it didn't seem to bother her in the slightest, "Yep, but I was just leaving," he was still smiling, "Well, alright- it was nice seeing you again," and she pranced off to the kitchen.

Looking back at Axel I saw the smirk on his face, "She seems different," I couldn't help but smile, "That's my mom," I proudly claimed, I realized Axel had only met her when she wasn't in the best of moods or she was drunk. "I'm going to get going, k? Text me later?" nodding my head he gave me a hug before he left. "Get your shoes on," my mother smiled, I looked at her with a questioning face, "Since I have a job now- I'm going to splurge, let's go eat some greasy fast food," again I couldn't help but smile. Everything was going so perfect, even after we finished eating, we drove home and my mother said she had an early shift so she went to bed early after a shower, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

The hollowness hadn't grown any- but neither had it shrunk, as I jumped in the shower I looked at my leg, which had acquired more cuts then the first time I cut it, and I hate it. I knew all the cuts would leave scars and those scars would be there for so long- if they ever went away. I managed to ruin yet another part of me with scars and I hated it- but there were already scars there, so I pushed my hate towards a few more cuts, just to show how much I hated the scars.

_**My intentions for this story was short chapters but have a long one :3**_

_**Uploaded: 5/22/13, hasn't been proof-read/edited yet**_


	10. Chapter 10: One Persistence

Climbing into bed after my shower, I grabbed my phone that was still on the charger, "Heyy," I texted the only number in the phone- Axel's, he texted back and I told him everything that had happened with my mother. I told him how it was perfect. We both went to sleep an hour or so later, after he told me he would be in school tomorrow. Maybe everything really was turning for the better.

My mother was gone when I woke up, leaving a note on the table that she would be back from work before I got home, I walked out the door with an uncooked bagel in hand- I was glad my mother got them as soon as we moved in. As I walked to school I began humming and singing when I didn't have food in my mouth, I started singing in the middle of the song because the beginning eluded me, the song was Ugly Side by Blue October, it came out of nowhere and even though I wasn't sad or unhappy that song wouldn't leave my head. Axel waved to me- I was nowhere near school but Axel was walking towards me, "Hey Roxas," he smiled as he threw his arm over my shoulder.

He seemed so happy even though he was around me- I was happy but with everything that had happened at his house the other day I was glad he wasn't trying to sensor himself or overly worry about my feelings- I was glad nothing between us had changed. Axel acted like nothing was different- like there was nothing different, he hadn't said anything about me having to stop, he hadn't made me promise, he hadn't done any of that, instead he just stayed there for me. I don't think it would've been the same between us if he'd asked me to stop- I couldn't think about having this one thing taken from me- it was all _I_ had.

It wasn't like I relied on it all the time- on good days I didn't even think about it, but recently good days didn't matter because the feelings from Xemnas never really left. But on bad days- everything was a trigger and every reason more to push the blade deeper into my skin, as long as good days continued I'd be fine.

School was actually fun for once- not that it was ever boring but Axel was by me the first few classes so he kept dragging me into conversations and because I was with him- my friend, I felt like I could talk and I actually held conversations for a few exchanges- which may not seem like a lot to anyone else but it was a record breaker for me.

Even though the day was well Axel and I didn't hang out very long after school, he had to do something with his social worker so I walked home when he had to leave after school let out. "Mom?" I questioned as soon as I opened the door, I looked over behind the door as I shut it and saw my mother sitting on the couch, looking at the TV, she must have gotten a DVD player or something because something was playing and she was watching. I was going to go in my room and drop off my backpack when I noticed the bottle of alcohol in her hand.

And this was how it always started.

She get a little alcohol- way more than what anyone else would call 'a little' but it'd just open her up to more alcohol and then she'd be right back where she was before. Maybe I would just go to my room and stay there, as I took a step back to go in my room my mother spoke, "Hey Roxas, how was school?" I was quiet for a second, "It was good…" "Go drop your backpack off and come back out- I got some movies," she put out her cigarette as I nodded my head. Placing my bag just inside my door I slowly walked back out, checking the fridge and freezer for food first, but all I found was bagels, cream cheese, and Half & Half lemonade tea in the fridge, and the freezer had only sausage that I could eat. But there was a ton of alcohol.

Looking at the vodka bottles that had yet to be open I looked back at my mother. "Don't give me that look!" she said, rolling her head to look back at the TV while she took another drink. I didn't say anything but instead closed the refrigerator doors and made my way back to my room, but was stopped by my mother speaking, "Oh, you gonna throw a hissy fit now?" I turned around and looked at her, not bothering to say anything back but just look at her. "It's _one fucking drink_- God Roxas! I'm not some fucking nun, I like to drink every once in a while, _people_ have a drink every once and a while," "And I don't mind you having _one_ drink, what I mind is it starts out as one drink and then it turns into two and then three and then you're gone for days and I don't know where you are and suddenly you don't want to be a mother anymore- and it's not a choice! You can't choose when to be a mother and when to not be, you _are always_ a mother that doesn't go away because you stop caring!"

Somehow I was venting, I wanted to give my mom the silent treatment but I told her what was on my mind instead, she looked surprised that I had yelled back- seeing as how I don't do that very often. My mother sat the bottle on the floor next to her after a few minutes of silence, she waved her hand, "Come here Roxas…" she said quietly, but I didn't move, I stayed staring at her instead, "Come on," she said softly again. She kept watching me and slowly I found myself hesitantly moving towards her, till I was right in front of her, she looped her hand that she had used to wave me over around my own hand and gently pulled me to sit next to her.

Her hand moved to wrap around my shoulders, she held me tight and we stayed silent while the movie rolled on, _Anastasia _was singing and dancing on the screen, and somehow by the end of the movie my mother and I were both sitting comfortably on the couch laughing with the sassiness of Anastasia and the Demetri. "I bought a whole bunch, go pick out one for us to watch next," she pointed to the stack by the TV, un-eagerly I walked over to see the DVD's, I grabbed out a movie I knew was my mother's favorite- Alice in Wonderland, the 1951 version by Disney. We sat together on the couch, my head in her lap to her request, we fell asleep like that.

But I realized- my mother never promised me she wouldn't go back down that road.

She woke me up when she got ready to go to work, I was still asleep on the couch, I retreated back to my bed for the next two hours till I had to be up for school. Axel met me again- except this time he met me at my house, he knocked on the door, "Hey Roxy!" he smiled when I opened the door, "Don't call me that," I opened the door more and walked away, he followed me back to my room while I looked to find clothes to put on, having just woken up not two minutes before Axel knocked. He flew to jump on my bed, scaring the crap out of me, "What the hell!" I whipped around to look at him, he just had a huge smirk on his face, "You're going to break my bed," "Oh psshhh- if I broke your bed it wouldn't be from me diving onto it."

My face turned beat red as I turned to look at him, he instantly started laughing, rolling onto his back while his voice bounced around in the room, "Someone's got a dirty mind," I threw my shirt at him, "You're the one who insinuated it!" I realized I threw the shirt I planned on wearing, so I stood up and walked to grab it but as I put my hand out Axel snatched it, "No, you don't get it back- you threw it at me," he rolled to face the wall, the shirt in a ball held tight to his chest.

Kneeling on the bed I bent over him to try and grab it. "Hey- I plan on wearing that," I told him when he just wiggled my hands away, I tried to grab it out again, my weight falling on him so I had full use of my hands and arms and so he couldn't get anywhere. "You're cheating," he called, as I started to get ahold of the shirt. "How?" grunting as I pulled on the shirt hard, "You're using body weight," "You calling me fat?" our conversation was second and barely noticeable to our struggle between our hands and arms over the shirt. "You fat? That's like calling me ugly," "That's a matter, of, opinion," I struggled, almost having the shirt, I yelped when he managed to have us flipped so he was now sitting on my stomach with his knees at my side, trying to get the shirt back, "As if- it's common knowledge," "Well," I started, "Isn't someone cocky." All he did was laugh at that.

After a while, and a very tedious struggle later, I was walking into the bathroom to change but as I turned to shut the door I found Axel standing in the door frame, "Hurry up… okay?" he sounded worried and it didn't make sense to me why till after I nodded my head and shut the door. I went as fast as I could, I grabbed another bagel and we walked to school- I could go to school as long as Axel was there, everything seemed so much easier.

Another school day down where I wasn't quiet- no one expected me to speak but people still bothered to talk to me and that was something new, I felt like I could finally be accepted somewhere. Is that strange to say? To finally feel like you're accepted even though it's in a school? Well… either way, I felt like if everything kept up like it was then I'd have very many more friends than just Axel, though Axel would still be my best friend. School wouldn't be a panic attack I had to survive through every morning because I didn't know how the day would go.

I got back home, "Mom?" I called, I looked but didn't see her sitting on the couch, I took the time to investigate but I found her nowhere, I also found no food in the fridge- the same was there from the day before so not much. Watching the same movies we watched the night before as I sat on the couch and did homework waiting for my mother to get home, Axel started texting me when it was getting dark, I told him that I wasn't really happy but I didn't tell him that my mother wasn't around. He didn't know of the deal between my sister and mother but I didn't want Axel to tell in case he told my sister, I also didn't want to worry him.

When I woke up it was because my mother was quickly moving around to get ready for work, I watched from my door as she tried to find everything, "Roxas- find my shoes," I sighed but moved and began looking, finding the shoes apart- one outside the front door while the other was at the foot of her bed- where her shoes always ended up when she was drunk and on the verge of passing out.

She grabbed them out of my hand and patted my head while running out the door, "Bye," she said as she walked out the door, "Welcome…" I mumbled when she was already gone, I grunted as I stood up, hating that I was awake before I needed to be, I didn't bother to go back to sleep, instead I took my phone and texted Axel but he didn't respond, I waited half an hour. Sure we wouldn't talk about anything important or about the fact that I was really just itching to lock myself in the bathroom- but just talking with Axel would distract me, but again- Axel's a normal human being that's asleep at this time in the morning.

As I was about to get in the shower I realized I still wanted sleep- and I didn't want to go to school, I texted Axel, "Nvm, sorry for texting so early, see you tomorrow." And left it at that, I jumped in the shower razor in hand, as I looked at my wrist I saw the bruises fading and the gash left by Xemnas on my cuts had scabbed over yet again. I ignored it though, the scabs going up my arm were small and thin and easily rubbed away when the water hit them, the veins above the gash that showed through the bruising is what caught my attention.

Scarring wasn't really my end ideal at the moment- I wanted to bleed and drain my body, I placed my blade on a pale vein and poked, tugging with little pressure. The skin split barely and almost no blood came out- at least not fast enough, so I did it again and again and again, pressing hard each time and pulling the blade further. By the end of it I had a cut that stretched around my wrist horizontally under my thumb- and it was an actual cut, by the time the bleeding stopped I was even more tired, hugging my wrist to my chest as I huddled under my heavy blanket- even though it was still summer- almost autumn- and I had a long sleeved thermal covering my upper half and arms I was still cold.

I was almost asleep when my phone started buzzing, luckily I hadn't gotten the motivation to roll over yet so the phone was still by my hand, of course it was a text from Axel, "Why?" I didn't bother to respond but instead put my phone down and tried to go to sleep. Then it started buzzing again, and again, but I didn't even bother to look- it would be Axel and there wasn't anything really important I knew he had to tell me. And of course- I get almost asleep yet again and I hear knocking on the front door.

When the knocking doesn't stop I roll out of bed and rest my head on the door, wishing we had a peep hole so I could see who it was, then of course my phone starts going off yet again, but this time it's buzzing constantly- who's calling me?

"Roxas- it's me," I hear from the other side of the door, of course it's Axel, I unlock the bolt and handle and open the door, he pushed it open and let himself in, "Sure you can come in," I say with weak sarcasm, "Sorry… I just didn't want you slamming the door in my face or something…" he scratched the back of his head, I would've probably shut the door on him so I couldn't really blame him- then again I was tired and didn't really give two shits, nodding my head I continued to look at him but he didn't say anything, "What're you doing here Axel?" "What were you doing?" "I was trying to sleep…" I rubbed my eye while speaking.

"Well," he started, "A few reasons I guess… the projects due today and we haven't really finished so I figured we could work on it after school and give it to Aerith because it's almost done, I wanted to apologize for not texting back but you never replied," then he said something under his breath, "What?" "Because I…" he mumbled yet again, so I just moved my head to push my ear towards him, "Because I was worried about you," he finally said, acting like he was defeated in some way. "Why were you worried?" my voice trailed off as Axel gave me a look that said _don't bullshit me_.

He was quiet for a few seconds, "Why were you up so early this morning?" "My mother had to go to work," "Oh…" I started to walk back towards my room in search of a hoodie because unlike Axel my body didn't heat like it was the sun and this morning was chilly. "Are you going back to sleep?" "Will you let me?" I hadn't been thinking about it but if he was going to let me than I sure as hell would. "I'm not going to stop you from sleeping Rox," "Then yes," "Are you okay?" I stopped from pulling the covers of my bed back and looked at him, "What's with all the questions?"

His smirk wasn't present, "Did you hurt yourself again?" I looked at the bed in front of me, ignoring him, and climbed into bed, "I'm going to sleep…" I curled into the blanket and against the wall. The bed dipped next to me but I tried to ignore it and go to sleep, I felt his hand on my shoulder, "Can I see," "What's to see?" I cut him off, still hugging my wrist to my chest out of habit, "Come on Rox…" he pulled on my shoulder gently like he was trying to get me to sit up. "Come on what?" he kept tugging at my shoulder and there was no way I was going to be able to get to sleep if he kept on bugging me.

"Let me see," "No!" I shoved my shoulder out of his grasp, I hated him asking about them and asking about my cutting- it wasn't any of his business and I wanted to stab of Xemnas' face just because he saw me do it, this was my thing for me, myself, and I- not Axel. Suddenly there was an elbow crook in my face and then my body was moved and I was looking up at Axel, "What're you," my voice was weak and he easily cut me off, "My sister cuts- think I don't know how to deal with people that do?" I scowled at him, hating that he thought he could understand me so easily. "Honey," he started, "I am way more stubborn than you," "Doubt that," he clicked his tongue as he sat back a little, "Doesn't matter- I'm stronger and bigger," "What's that," cutting me off he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

"Axel- put, me, down," I pushed at his back in hopes of sliding to my feet but he didn't let go, "Not a chance," he said as he flicked on a light- the one in the bathroom. "Stop," as soon as he put me down I tried to get past him to no avail, he shut and locked the door. "Rox- you've shown me before, I know you don't want me to see and I know you want someone to care," "No I don't," "Maybe not right now," my eye brows furrowed, I'd never really made the connection- but it was true. Sometimes I did want Axel to notice, sometimes I wanted my sister to question me, sometimes I wanted someone to show me just how much they cared- but that was not right now.

"Yeah- not right now," I tried to walk past him but he didn't move, "What's, with, you," I struggled to unlock the door, stay out of his grip, and get the door open, "Always, locking, and, blocking, the damn door!" "Because I know you'll try to run away!" I glared at him, not liking that he was so stubborn. He took a deep breath and I backed up a little, "Have you been taking care of your wrist?" his voice was gentle again, "No…" he let out a sigh again, "Do you have anything here to clean it with?" slowly I shrugged.

"Come on," he unlocked the door, "What?" "We're going across the street to the store and buying some stuff," "Why?" I really didn't want to, "Because Rox, you're cuts are probably infected- they were majorly infected when I saw them and you said you haven't been taking care of them." I never took care of my cuts, that's probably why they always took so long to heal and hurt so bad. He made me get shoes on and he took my house key and put in one of his pockets- I assume, "Hand," "What?" "Your hand, give me your hand so I don't have to worry about you running away on me," Oh he knew me so well.

He had a death grip on my hand and our interlocked fingers before we were even out the door, "Why're you doing this Axel?" "I told you, because they're probably infected," "No… well… yeah, they probably are… but I mean why're you doing this- all of this…" "Roxas," he let out a sigh as we walked into the store, "I already told you- we're friends," he grabbed one of those small baskets and walked straight for the back of the store where medical stuff was located.

Placing the basket on the ground he put peroxide in it, gauze, Neosporin, Q-Tips, and medical tape before picking the basket back up and walking to the check-out desk. And I'm not going to lie- I acted like a baby the whole time, my finger nails were in my mouth and I was chewing on them, my head down as I walked as slowly as I could behind Axel. He practically had to drag me every which way because of how I was moving. He bought it and took the bag, smiling at the cashier and we left. "You didn't have to do that…" I finally mumbled, still sounding like a child, I tugged on my hand to see if I could get loose but his hold only tightened.

Axel didn't let go of my hand till we were back in the bathroom- which means after my hissy fit where I tried to pull my hand out of his and run anywhere but into the bathroom but of course he picked me up when I dropped my weight and just dragged me into the bathroom. "Sit," he told me as he kicked the door shut, pointing to the closed toilet, before he picked the bag that was dropped- to catch me- off the ground and onto the sink shelf. He'd already locked the door and was standing in front of it but I was still trying to think of a way out, I stayed sitting on the ground, "Roxas," his voice was warning as he rolled his head and looked at me.

I chewed at the inside of my lip while pouting, feeling like I was going to cry just from irritation, I climbed onto the toilet lid like he told me and hated every second of it. Staring at the crease where the floor met the wall I tried to block out the sounds of Axel opening what he'd bought and setting it up, he left the bathroom for a second and as I stood to lock him out he turned back and glared at me, so I sat back down. He came back with a bowl and salt- I don't know where he found salt I don't remember my mother buying any, but then again I don't know what she bought since we moved in.

"Shirt off," he turned on the faucet and continued to rip stuff open, shoving the garbage in the bag while he waited but I made no move. I wouldn't go out of my way to cause more problems, like locking the bathroom door, but that doesn't mean I wasn't going to be as damn difficult as I could. "Roxas, shirt- off," he watched me, and I thought, "I wonder if he knew I cut my leg if he'd demand I'd take my pants off," I wanted to laugh at that just to contradict his seriousness but I found I couldn't when he pulled my sleeves that had been bunched up in my hands and reached under my shirt and into my sleeves to pull my arm out of the fabric, I couldn't even struggle because by the time I realized what he was doing he was pulling my shirt over my head.

Shaking my head, I whipped it sideways to fix my hair, but I needed help from my hand to brush my bags back into my face, he didn't say anything because I honestly don't think he even looked at my wrist. My wrist was currently resting against my side, the fabric of my beater felt weird against the cuts. Axel held his hand out but I made no move, "Rox…" his voice sounded less angry but I only looked away. "Listen, Rox… I know you're not very comfortable with this and I know you're pissed at me but I don't want your wrist to get worse and have you die of infection…" Oh yeah, I had forgotten completely that people _can_ die of infection, I honestly forgot all about that.

Hesitantly I lifted my arm and put it near his hand, I watched him dab a Q-Tip end into the cap of the peroxide, he rolled it against the small new gashes and I became fidgety when the liquid seeped into my cuts and bit at me. My free hand shot up so I could bite my palm, it stung and Axel was expecting me to sit still, "You okay?" nodding my head I dropped my free hand and tried to act like it wasn't that big a deal, "S'it really hurt?" nodding my head again, "It didn't hurt last time," again I nodded, "Bit my lip…" I mumbled out, he had a small smirk on his face as he crouched down in front of me, looking at my wrist, "I'd offer you my fingers to bite," he dabbed it against the giant new gash that was around my wrist, as I inhaled in pain he continued speaking, "But I'm pretty sure you hate me enough right now just to bite them off for the hell of it."

I chuckled, nodding as I tipped my head forward, the seriousness was still there but I felt a little better. "These are really infected Rox…" he spoke quietly, standing up and putting the bowl under the faucet- I could see the steam and then the steam disappeared as he switched on some cold water. He poured the salt into the bowl and set it on the counter, "You _should_ let it soak, but you don't have any bowls that are deep or wide enough for you to put your wrist into," he dunked a paper towel into the bowl so it was dripping and drenched and then he laid it on top of wrist, the salt stabbed into my infected and torn cuts.

The paper towel was folded to cover heavily only the part of my wrist that had all the infected cuts occupying it, Axel then put gauze over it and taped it to cover and hold the paper towel to my wrist. "Still wanna go to bed?" he asked and I quickly nodded my head, sniffling while I wiped the corner of my eye off on my arm, there was a lot of reason I felt like I was going to cry and basically I was a dump of emotions at the moment but Axel didn't say anything.

I wanted to put my shirt back on because I was cold in my beater but Axel wouldn't even let me put on my hoodie, so I dragged my feet to my room and laid down facing the wall, my wrist by my face so I wouldn't hurt it. Axel came in and sat on my bed, reaching around me to gently pick up my arm and put a towel underneath it, I realized the salt mixture was leaking now, I mumbled my thanks and cuddled into the blanket with the limbs I could use, hating how cold it was. Even though I expected Axel to leave and go to school he stayed sitting against my back, keeping present in my mind even as I slept and I was thankful for that.

_**So wow, haven't updated in a few days- I apologize.**_

_**There's only five days left of classes till summer break :DD Then I'm a senior and can graduate, till then, I am so fucked for classes that I need to pass -_-... Wanna know a messed up fact? I have failed English every time I've taken it since 7th grade- it's what I speak and yet I always fail it. I failed English and French one year and my mom's reaction was, "What the fuck do you speak then? It's obviously not English or French," she then had to mention it to every person she held a conversation with and uses it as fuel to prove my incompetence to this day, -_-" yeahhhhh and it's weird because I write stories and shiz and yet still. fail. English. every. year. ... It's even weirder because I was dyslexic growing up and was always behind in writing- I could read just fucking fine, but heh... I made up how muh words got spelled (like **_**of**_**- I still write '**_**ove**_**') but once I got in 6th grade everything just clicked and then I was in advanced reading and writing class. What the fuck kind of shit is that? Anyway, enough of my random babbling :3 **_

_**Uploaded: May 25, 2013, not edited or anything as of yet.**_


	11. Chapter 11: One Observation

I woke up, there was warmth pressing into my back, I turned my head around and leaned a little on the object so I could see what it was and as it turns out it was the redhead, he must have fallen asleep sitting by me. Turning back I looked at my still exposed wrist- well it wasn't really exposed because it was covered in gauze, but it was exposed enough, I hadn't moved my wrist once since I fell asleep and I could tell by the weird feeling in my fingertips and my inability to freely move it right away.

The towel was damp but the paper towel around my wrist was dry and felt like a cast molded to it, rolling on to my back I shimmied down to the foot of the bed, rubbing my eyes before standing up. Stumbling into the bathroom I bit my lip as I smacked my wrist on the door frame, "Ow… fucker…" I mumbled, turning the light on in the bathroom. Closing the door I slowly began peeling off the tape, hissing as the scabs ripped off with the dried paper towel, I tossed the bloody wrappings into the trash after wrapping them in toilet paper- didn't want my mom to look in and find blood bandages.

There was a knock a few seconds later, "Rox?" "Hm?" "You okay?" I unlocked the door and opened it, Axel was standing just outside the door with his hands up and on the frame, "I'm fine," I reached behind the door on the floor to grab my hoodie out, the door was only opened a little for me to see his face, "Can I see?" I stood up, hoodie in hand, and looked at him, not bothering to say anything- if he really wanted to look he would just grab my arm and make me show him like he did yesterday, "Rox?" now he was being nice and friendly- and honestly at the moment I preferred that.

I opened the door a little more and held out my wrist, he gingerly wrapped his hand around the back of my wrist and lifted it closer to his face, "It's bleeding," I shrugged as he raised an eyebrow, green shined at me as he was looking up even though he was facing my wrist. "You need to keep it clean," he moved forward, "It'll be fine…" "Rox, this is really infected," he held my wrist so I could see what he was pointing to, "All this," he pointed to the redden skin and slightly swollen cut, "Is from infection," I really didn't want to hear another lecture from Axel and I think he caught onto that.

He pressed a piece of wet toilet paper to the slightly bleeding cuts before wiping it dry, he grabbed out the little tube he bought earlier, "What's that for?" "This," he squeezed out a little onto one of the Q-tips he bought earlier, "Is to keep in moisture and fight out and keep out infection," he smeared it onto the cut, the coolness causing me to flinch- I didn't really hurt or anything, it was just really cold.

He opened one of the gauze packages and taped the piece around the cuts, "Can I put a hoodie on now?" he looked at me for a second before nodding, "Just be careful," I didn't bother to be careful, I slid my hand into the sleeve before sliding my uninjured one in, as I zipped it up halfway I looked up to find Axel just staring at me. "What?" he shook his head and walked out of the bathroom, turning off the light in the process even though he was ahead of me.

Axel didn't return to my room but rather walked around to the kitchen, "Have you eaten yet?" I asked, looking at the phone in my pocket to read that it was well past noon, Axel shook his head as he sat on the couch, "Want something?" "What do you have?" "Cinnamon raisin bagels, cream cheese, and breakfast sausage…" "Hmm… what else do you have?" I opened the fridge door and freezer all the way so he could see, "Milk and alcohol," I flipped up the egg holder and saw butter, "And some butter…" "Really? That's it?" nodding my head I waited for him to say what he wanted, "Yeah, I guess I'll have a bagel," "I grabbed out the bag of bagels, finding there was only one left.

"You want it toasted or anything?" "How do you normally eat it?" "Um… like this, or toasted with sausage and cream cheese on it," "That sounds delicious," he stood up and walked towards me as I popped it in the toaster, he began making himself at home and looked through the cupboards, "You guys really don't have anything else?" h opened some more and noticed we didn't even have any pots or pans, he looked at me like he was concerned or something, "Aren't you going to eat?" shaking my head he asked why, "Nothing to eat," I responded with a shrug, "Have a bagel," "I'm making you the last one," I cut the semi frozen sausage in half down the long way and put it on the metal part of the toaster- we didn't have a microwave yet so this is how the sausage would have to get cooked.

Pulling out a plastic knife I put it by the cream cheese and waited for the bagel to toast and for the sausage to be cooked, "You can eat it," "No," I replied, pulled it out and spreading cream cheese on it, "I'm making it for you," he didn't argue with me after that, he took the sandwich once it was all assembled, after a bite he held it out for me, "Take a bite," I shook my head but he only moved it closer to my face, "Bite," I looked at him and noticed he wasn't going to back down, he wouldn't hand over the sandwich so I took a small bite, Axel smirked and we continued sharing bites like that till the sandwich was gone.

"What time's your mom going to get home?" he asked as he walked over to sit with me on the couch, I had my legs up on the couch so I figured Axel would sit at the far end of the couch when he got done in the bathroom but he came over- picked my legs up, and sat under them, "I don't know…" "Doesn't she work on a schedule?" "Yeah, but I don't know it…" "Isn't that it on the fridge, I looked over at the fridge to see the piece of paper stuck by a magnet, "Probably," Axel moved my legs and stood up, looking at the sheet, "It says she's done by one thirty," he came back over and put my legs back over his- I hope he was having fun man handling me like this.

"What time she'd get back yesterday?" shrugging my shoulder I turned a little to face the back of the couch, ready to go back to sleep, I didn't want to tell Axel that she didn't until she was drunk but I didn't want Axel to know that. "Are you still tired?" "Little bit…" he rested his hands on my legs, the back of his hands close to the back of my knees, if I had any energy I would probably be laughing and twitching. "Go back to sleep then…" I yawned, "No, it's fine," I rolled over and faced the other way, "Isn't your foster mom going to be mad that you didn't go to school?" he smirked, "Nah, she'll be a little angry but if I tell her I was helping out a friend I don't think she'll mind," nodding my head I closed my eyes again.

"When do you plan on leaving?" his smirk faltered, "Trying to get rid of me?" "No," I replied almost too quickly, "I was just wondering…" "Well, I don't have anything I need to do, your mom doesn't seem like she'll care, so till whenever I guess," he shrugged and I nodded, "There's nothing to do here… except maybe watch movies…" and that's what we ended up doing, for a few hours, we both constantly moved around to get comfortable every hour or two and when about 4 movies were down, "Holy shit, it's already 6?" I looked up at Axel, I was currently laying with my knees down hanging over the arm rest while my head rested on his lap.

Sitting up on my elbows I looked at him more at an eye level, waiting for him to say something but he didn't, at least not right away, "What're you doing?" he asked, "Huh?" I raised an eyebrow, "I don't know…" "Lay back down, the movies not over yet," he put his arm across my chest and pulled me back down, letting me catch his smirk before I was laying my head on his lap again.

We got into the movie again- at least I did, "Rox…" Axel started, "Hm?" I didn't turn away from looking at the TV, "Where's your mom?" shrugging my shoulder I pretended to be more into the movie, "Aren't you worried?" I froze before shaking my head, rolling onto my side to face the TV straight, "Roxas… is there something you haven't told me?" "Probably…" I mumbled, hating that I was even touching Axel at all right now because he was probably pissed.

"Not going to tell me?" "Maybe…" in truth I kinda did want to tell Axel, "But not right now…" I felt his hand be placed on my shoulder and I waited for him to do something, but he didn't, he just let it rest there. "After this movie, you wanna eat?" "We don't have any food," "I know," he chuckled, "I meant go out and eat," I looked back at him, finding him already looking at me, "And how do we pay for that?" smirk still on his face, "I do have money," "How?" he chuckled, "That's for me to know," "Uh-huh…" I froze for a second, "I thought you smoked? I haven't seen you smoke one cigarette since I met you," "I do," he looked up at the TV, "Normally when I see you I've just put it out… and when I'm with you I don't really think about smoking…" "Huh…" I faced the TV and watched the end of the movie.

Just like Axel said we were going to, we walked down the street and he bought us subs, he ate almost all of his sub and not even a quarter of mine was gone and I couldn't eat anymore. Axel walked with me back to my house, "I'll see you tomorrow for school, right?" nodding my head we said our goodbyes, I put my sub in the fridge and went to bed, looking at my wrist for a moment, remembering Axel bandaging it, and then I went to sleep. Only tomorrow and then it was the weekend, I could do that.

I didn't bother waiting up for my mother but when I did wake up I checked her room to see if she had been in there at all since yesterday morning and instead I found her still in bed, "Mom, don't you have work today?" she groaned and mumbled, "I called in sick," "Are you okay?" "Roxas- leave me the fuck alone!" she was yelling through a mumble, I shut the door and left her alone, getting ready for school, a little while before I had to start heading out and someone knocked, and of course it was Axel.

"Why hello," he said as he smiled, I couldn't help but smile back, allowing him in so I could finish getting ready, we left not too much later, the whole day at school all I could think about was my mother, she'd been drinking more lately and Axel made a note to point out the puke by the steps outside as we left. She'd called into work and I was worried that she'd keep it up and if she did that then she'd get fired and everything would fall apart and the whole thing with Rikku would come up.

I smiled and played along with what Axel was saying but the thoughts never left my mind and as I walked home right after school I expected to find my mother trying to act like everything was fine or still be in bed, but no. She wasn't even there. Axel asked if we could hang out but I told him I planned on sleeping, he texted me Saturday and Sunday but I kept lying to him and telling him I was hanging out with my mother. But all I really did was wait and hope my mother would show up at some point, and of course she never did, Monday came around and all I'd had to eat was that sub Axel bought me Thursday, the sausage was gone so literally all that was in the fridge and freezer was a bottle of alcohol, less than half a stick of butter, and less than half a small thing of cream cheese.

Every day on my walk home from school I'd stop by my sisters and tell her how good things were going, and I'd been doing that but it was the weekend so I didn't go anywhere, which only concerned me for the weekend that she would show up at any moment. She didn't though- and neither did Axel. I almost wished they see through everything and just make it better, but then again- no I didn't.

Axel stopped by in the morning, "So what'd you and your mom do all weekend?" "Oh… just stuff… nothing really interesting… she had to work in the morning still…" I said as I pulled a short sleeved shirt on, I'd taken to wearing my arm warmers again- not all the tiny bracelets, just the fabric. I figured Axel would assume I had been taking care of my cuts if I felt good enough to put fabric back on them but I hadn't. I'd made the cuts worse and I hoped Axel wouldn't ask to see them, I hoped he would buy my story and assume everything was going perfect.

We left for school and once we got there I felt alone again, like I couldn't trust anyone there, and like they didn't accept me, as if it was a completely new school and everyone hated me.

"Hey Roxas, wanna hang out after school?" Axel asked as he threw his arm over my shoulder, "No… well, I do, but I'm kinda really tired… I think I'm just going to go home and sleep…" Axel's look questioned me as his smirk fell but he shrugged his shoulders, "Alright I'll see you tomorrow then… text me when you get home," I nodded my head and we went our separate ways.

I held my breath as I opened the door, hoping I would see my mother inside somewhere- even if she was drunk off her ass. My heart thumped as I closed my eyes, silently praying, before I pushed open the door, I opened my eyes once the door was all the way open, "Mom?" I test called but there was no response, the place was untouched still, "Mom, you here?" I walked a few steps to scan the kitchen and living room, nothing. I knocked on her bedroom door but heard no response so opened the door- and her bed was empty. The pang in my heart hit me hard, I hated coming home never knowing if my mother was going to be here or not and I hated not knowing anything.

I'd covered for her again with my sister and with Axel but the longer she was gone the more I wondered if I was doing the right thing, I wanted to stay with her and I wanted to keep giving her chances, but what if she was seriously hurt? What if she was kidnapped or something and I was just sitting on my ass not giving a damn?

But then again… she'd gone away many times before so how was this any different?

Axel's banging on the door woke me up, I sat up on the couch, having no idea who it was that was knocking at such an early time, I rested my head against the door and waited for them to speak, "It's Axel," he said so I unlocked the door. "Might as well just give you a house key," I mumbled as I made my way over to my room, my homework and books still sprawled all around the room.

"Sleep in late there Roxy?" "Hmm? Yeah, I guess, I didn't hear my alarm go off…" rubbing my eyes I yawned, sitting on my bed, "You gonna survive kiddo?" nodding my head I looked up at the ceiling, trying to stay awake, "Yeah… just not awake yet," "How about I make you something to eat?" I shook my head, "Oh come on, I'll go see what there is," he stood up and was out of the room before I could even try to come up with a lie, there was nowhere for me to go so I just fell backwards from my sitting position and laid there with my eyes closed.

Axel's footsteps sounded loudly as he walked back to my room, "Well, correct me if I'm wrong- but there seems to be none… why is that?" "Haven't gone shopping…" I mumbled, "When was the last time you ate?" "Ax, what time is it?" I tried to change the subject, "It's almost 7," nodding my head I rolled over and kept my eyes closed, "Roxas, answer me," "I ate out with my mother last night," I mumbled.

"S'your mom still have that job?" "Mhmm," "Where's her work schedule then," "I don't know, why?" he was quiet, "Why is the fridge empty?" "Axel- what's with all the damn questions? Just ask what you wanna ask," I mumbled, trying to sound irritated so he'd drop it. He sighed, "Just, you'd tell me if something was up, right?" nodding my head I rolled onto my back, looking at the ceiling, unable to go back to sleep.

"Ready to get up yet?" slowly I nodded my head, standing up and finished putting the papers into my bag, "Let's go," I said, after I'd finished getting ready. Another day at school down and pushed away in my memory, again I told Axel I had to do something and we went our separate ways, stopping at my sister's house after work- so I hadn't really been able to talk to my sister as soon as school was over because she was still at work, but today she had the day off.

"Hey Roxas," she smiled as she opened the door, "Hey Rikku…" "So," she pulled me into the house, "How's it going," "Uh, pretty good… mom's still working and stuff…" I mumbled as my sister kept going through mail at the table like she had been. "Well… I have homework… so…" Rikku said goodbye and watched me leave, sure- mom hadn't been home in a while and I had no way to get food or money but at least my grades in school were booming.

A week passed, Axel walked over every morning, except for when I told him I was busy with my mother on the weekend, and after almost another day of having nothing to eat I hung out with Axel long enough after school to be offered something to eat. But I never asked, only when he offered would I have something to eat and it was something that I really didn't want to admit it to him, and another two weeks passed of the same routine. Axel would wake me- he'd made a spare key from mine in case I wasn't up in the morning, talk about there being no food, we'd go to school, we'd be done with school, Axel would sometimes offer to get food, I'd stop at my sisters lie a good lie, and pray my mother was finally home and that things could go back to the first day I moved back in with her.

There was someone walking around, my eyes popped open and I listened, hearing them move around the place like they owned it, it must be my mother. Jumping I slowly opened my door, peaking out to see the kitchen light lighting the darker living room, I tiptoed and peaked around the corner. "Axel?" all I could see was the red hair as he stood in front of the sink, he turned around, but he didn't say anything. "What're you doing?" walking out from behind the corner I watched him to see that he was making something and instantly my mouth watered,

"I'm just making you some food," "Why?" "Because you're my friend and I can?" I sat at the table and watched him standing there, "Umm… yeah, okay… thanks… but, what brought this on, it's not even 6:30in the morning yet," "Yeah, and I'd figure I'd give you some time to eat and get ready," he was moving around like he owned the kitchen and I was perfectly fine with that. "I bought bagels, sausage, and some cream cheese, Imma put it in here," he slid the plate in front of me, "Eat up," I looked at the sausage and bagel sandwich, my mouth watering, "Aren't you going to eat something?" "Nah," he quickly said, he sat down across from me and watched as I picked up the sandwich- wanting to shove the whole thing down my throat but I not.

Half way through the sandwich and I couldn't eat any more, I set it down on the plate and looked up to see Axel watching me, "Hm?" "Nothing," he shook his head and put his hands up, "No, really," I persisted, "Rox… if I say what's on my mind you're going to have to give me a straight answer," so I looked down at the table, "Thanks…" I mumbled, grateful that he'd bought me food and made me something, "Wanna go back to bed?" nodding my head I stood up, placing my bagel in the fridge for later, Axel and I walked to my room and we slept in my bed- which didn't seem out of the norm at all, because we'd slept in the same bed before, in his bed. My bed was just a little smaller than his so our shoulders would barely touch if one of us was on our side while the other was on his back.

I was thankful Axel hadn't bothered to see my wrist because it may have healed almost completely from where Xemnas ripped it but I'd gone through a few new razors and my wrist was covered in even more cuts this past week. The idea of Axel even asking to see my wrist- as he laid passed out next to me- made me panic and hold my wrist closer to my chest. Axel all but dragged me out of bed when my alarm went off because I didn't want to face the world yet, "Axel, 5 more minutes," I mumbled as he pulled me over to him, he laughed and I could just imagine the smirk on his face, "You said that 5 minutes ago, it's time to get up."

"No," I drew out, "Let me sleep," I groaned, trying to roll back onto the bed and off of his lap, but he just shifted his hold, "Are you really trying?" he asked, "Do you want me to?" I squinted my eyes at him, he shifted me so my face was right by his- again with the man handling. "Hmm… well I do love a good struggle," his smirk was still there but morphed into a surprised face as I placed my hand against his cheek, "What're you…" he started to ask and I gently but quickly pushed with my hand, pushing him while rolling away- he had to let go of me to save himself from falling off the bed. "You sound like a rapist," I mumbled into the pillow as I was rolled onto my stomach.

"Oh har, har, har," he said and I felt the bed shifting, "You gonna get up yet," "Idonwanna," I groaned, "This is your last warning Roxy," the bed shifted as he was no longer on it, but I didn't care. And then I felt a pressure on my lower back, and knees against my hips, and to top it all off fingers started poking at my ribcage and underarms. My hands shot down to overlap his and try and pull them away, "Ax!" I screamed, trying to throw him off and not die from laughter, "Stop- stop, st-stop, that's- n-not fair!" there was no way I would be able to go to sleep after that. He kept going until he stopped and leaned down, "You awake yet?"

"You better hope not, or Imma kick your ass when you let me up," "Huh- well then I guess it'd be in my best interest not to," "Oh please," "Please what?" he leaned down again, was… was Axel flirting with me? "Axel…" "Hm?" I wanted to ask him a lot of things but I didn't know how to word them or how he would take them, so I stopped moving, letting my hands rest at my side of my head as I breathed through the gap created by the pillow. "What is it?" his voice was gentle, his hands resting just outside my own as he leaned down so he wasn't far away but not leaning against me.

"Rox?" "Why do you care?" I finally forced something out, I could feel Axel freeze before speaking quietly again, "What do you mean?" his voice was just as quiet as before when he spoke, but it took me a second before I could force any more out, "You hang around, you worry… you bother…" when I didn't add anymore he spoke, "What are you talking about- I… don't understand what you mean Rox…" Why the hell do you give a rats ass when my mother can't find anything in me to care about…? I wanted to ask him but even if Axel knew what was happening I couldn't find it in me to say it. My mouth opened and it moved like I was a fish out of water but no sound came out, I slid my hands to cup around the back of my neck and head and pull on the hairs that slid between my fingers, unsure of what to say or do but having everything I wanted to swarming around in my head.

"Rox…" he sat up and his hands went to my shoulder blades, massaging gently, "Talk to me…" he rubbed his knuckles and palms against my back, I wished I could just open my mind and let him know everything I wanted him to say and everything I wanted _him_ to do. My fists tightened in my hair, pulling as I pushed my forehead harder into the pillow and bed, there was so much to say but my mind was drawing a blank and that blank just made my mind feel even more shredded than it was. I've liked Axel since the first day I met him, I've hung out with Axel ever since we decided to work together, he's seen me in tears, and seen the scars on my wrist. He's been more stubborn than me- for the better, he's met my family and doesn't press in the wrong way and I don't want this ever to end- I'd be happy if we just stayed this close.

The problem was- I didn't understand why Axel was this close to me, what had I done to deserve Axel to care this much about me, or to at least act like it. If Axel knew about my mother ditching me, would he see why and leave too, or what if I told him of the deal Rikku and Keyakku made- would he rat on me, and if he did would I be able to look at him the same? What if I was the problem in all this- Axel accepted me as he saw me now, right? So what if I wouldn't be able to, what if no matter how hard I tried to forgive him I couldn't see him the same, what if I was that selfish?

Better yet- what if Axel was just messing with me- like a rebound sort of person after Sora, Sora and I did look sort of alike… what if I couldn't stop my problems or my stubbornness out ran Axel's and he gave up on me? Pulling harder on my hair and pushing even harder into the bed I tried to stop my mind but that didn't work- everything was always a mesh inside my head, voices over lapped each other- some mumbled while others spoke clearly above the mess. "Xas- Roxas… Roxas!" I heard Axel speaking loudly, I opened my eyes, freezing my body.

Axel's hands were holding my wrist and low hand as he tried to pull my hands away, "It's okay Rox… stop pulling your hair… relax," I unlocked my body, relaxing my neck and hands, Axel gently pulled my hands out of my hair, but his hands didn't leave mine. Instead he interlocked our fingers and rested his forehead against my back, shaking his head weakly, "Rox… you need to talk to me…" I shook my head weakly, trying to bring my hands back up to pull my hair but Axel's hands blocked my ability to pull so instead my fists rested against my hair.

His forehead had been pressed against my back but now his chin was, "Roxas…" "It's nothing... I'm sorry I said anything," "Rox- just," "We should probably get up soon, or we'll be late," "No!" his hands left mine and gripped my shoulders, rolling me over so I was now forced to face him, his hands moved to be right above my shoulders and against the side of my head. "Roxas, just talk to me… tell me- I'm not going anywhere…" taking a deep breath I looked off to the side, trying not avoid his gaze, "I just..." he moved his hand and placed it on my cheek, gently forcing me to look at him, I looked back and forth between his eyes, my pulse rising to go faster and faster- mumbling, "No, I," "Rox, you can tell me…" "Not right now… please?" he looked at me for a few more seconds, and I waited for him to snap or shout and act like he did so long ago when I refused to let him help me with my wrist.

"Alright Rox… not right now," he let out a sigh and stood up, turning and walking out my bedroom door, I sat up quickly- supporting my upper half on my hands, and I kicked. Kicking his butt as he get off the bed, "Ouch!" he turned back around and looked at me, a hand on his ass, "What the hell?" "I said I'd kick your ass," I stuck my tongue out, and watched that smirk appear back on his face, "That hurt you little butt, now my ass is going to be sore," "Wow Axel," he raised a confused eyebrow, "Maybe it's just me thinking out of context- but, I never dreamed of you as bottom," "And I never knew you dreamed about me," Oh that little bugger, he was gone with a wide smirk on his face before I could even think of a response.

_**I was really distracted when I started typing this so some parts are probably really not right and I know there was some boring parts but I'll fix it at some point. Till then- it's almost 4 am and muh butt hurts from sitting so long.**_

_**Uploaded: May 26, 2013**_


	12. Chapter 12: One Fallout

Axel had his arm over my shoulder almost all day while we were in school, for every class he could he had me practically sitting on his lap, we didn't say much to each other though. Axel laughed and put on fake and easy smiles because that's how everyone always saw him but when people stopped looking he stopped smiling. Every time we did talk- which wasn't very much, it was a simple but basic question, like, "What question are we on?" or something stupid like that. I waited for him to start a conversation of some sorts with me, just to let me know he wasn't completely pissed at me but he never did.

"Axel!" someone called as we were walking out of school, we both turned to see Seifer walking over with his little group of friends, "You doing anything after school?" he asked when he was finally over to us, Axel didn't look at me or even acknowledge that his arm was still over my shoulders, "Eh man, I don't know, why?" "Haven't seen you around lately, we're heading out to a party- you gonna go?" I could feel Axel shrug his shoulders, they continued talking about where it was going to be and who was going to be there, if Axel was going to give up his social life, it wouldn't be because of me. Looking up at Axel he caught movement in his peripherals and faced me, "I think… I'm just going to go…" I weakly said.

Of course I didn't want to ditch Axel and keep leaving him like this- I mean, it's not like I was going home to anyone and yet I still went home as soon as I could rather than staying with Axel. He watched me for a while, "Alright, I'll text you later," he dropped his arm from my shoulder and I walked home, I hated that he let me go that easily but it's not like I could be mad at him- I told him I was going to go if I wanted to stay so bad I should've just kept my mouth shut. It started raining so I didn't bother to stop at my sisters, I could just call her later and tell her mom bought me the phone, I wanted to run home.

Every time school was let out I wanted to get home- just so I could see if she was back yet, it felt like I was constantly checking because I couldn't wait for her to walk through the door and be my mother again- she'd come back. She always came back. Till then I just had to cover for her, she was just getting the last of everything out of her system- everything would be fine when she got back.

"Mom?" opening the front door I called for her, shutting the door and listening, but again nothing. "I guess not today…" I mumbled, finding different clothes I jumped in the shower- trying to escape the wet clothes and cold chills from the rain. Sitting in the tub even though the shower head was still on I stared at my razor that sat on the shelf by the shampoo, I felt bad really but when I went to my sisters I also stole from her- I took two rolls of toilet paper, and a bottle of shampoo and conditioner because my mother had never bought any and I still didn't have a job… I would need to start applying soon, rent was coming up.

I sat the razor back on the shelf, watching as the water around it turned pink, the water underneath it rotated it a little but then stopped and nothing had changed. My mother still wasn't here, Axel was still pissed at me, my sister still babying me, and I was still alone, but that didn't matter because I felt a little better. As I watched the cut on my leg cry red all I could think about was the sting as water splashed into the cut, I wondered how long it would bleed for, the cuts on my leg bleed so little compared to my wrist but I could cut much deeper when the veins weren't right there.

Starting on homework in my room I hated the silence, I always turned my radio on just because the lack of sound bubbled in my ears and made me feel like I was crazy. Closing my book I dropped it next to me, homework seemed like it wasn't happening right now, I fell back on my bed, listening to Drive by Incubus play, as much as I wanted to sing along with it I couldn't, I knew every word to the song- it had been my favorite for so long but it was too positive for me, at least at the moment. And honestly- whatever tomorrow brought I didn't know if I could handle it so why sing about taking everything head on?

Wasteland by 10 years came on next and I realized I was rather hungry, I found my sandwich that Axel had made and instantly checked my phone at the thought of Axel- but nothing. He told me he'd text me- till then I'd just wait, what if this was the end between us I was so terrified of? Putting in a movie I ate my sandwich before going to bed- even though it was only about 9.

"Shut up," I heard someone laugh, I peeled open an eye, instantly seeing the glow of numbers on my clock, why the hell was someone that loud at almost 1 in the morning? If I cared enough I'd go downstairs and tell them to shut the fuck up, not really but I thought about doing it in my head, and then I heard more laugher, but it sounded weird. It sounded like it was in the apartment with me. Checking my phone I saw that Axel hadn't texted me yet, I remembered I didn't check in with my sister like I planned to and got the text message ready to send so later I would remember.

"Stop!" that was my mother, and that was her laughing, I stood up and walked to my door, seeing between the cracks of the door frame and door that there was a light on outside it. Quietly I opened the door, peeking my head out but seeing no one, as quietly as my socked feet would let me I walked out towards the living room and kitchen, the sound wasn't coming from my mother's room. And that's when I saw.

My mother was sitting in the kitchen, a tall clear glass bottle in front of her and two shot glasses, she was sitting in the kitchen chair, I didn't say anything as my mother drank. Maybe she would forget I was there but as I started to back away my mother spoke, "Roxas! I'm so glad you're awake! Look in the fridge- I went shopping," she seemed happy- albeit drunk, but happy, watching both of them I walked towards the fridge.

Opening it I found there was indeed more than Axel had gotten, but they were all still in the bags. I started taking the things out of the bag and looking at everything, realizing most of the stuff didn't belong in the fridge. She'd bought fresh doughnuts, packaged doughnut holes, Ho-Hos, snow balls, a bunch of potato chips and some Doritos and chocolate milk. The only thing that had to go in the fridge was the milk, I put the rest of the stuff into the cupboard, trying not to think about anything. I turned around once everything was away and leaned against the counter while holding onto the edge of it.

"You like what I bought?" she asked after another drink, smiling like a fool, nodding my head I continued to stare ahead, "What's your problem?" she asked bitterly before another shot, "I'm just… wondering where you were…" I knew she'd start yelling but I wanted answers, "God damn it Roxas! I was away, is it really that big a fucking deal?" yeah, you were gone for almost three weeks, "You're drunk?" "Yes I'm fucking drunk! God Roxas, I thought you'd be happy I bought you all that shit, but no you're bitching about everything like always! I got fired that seems like a pretty fucking good reason to drink to me Roxas, or are you going to yell at me about that too? Hm, well say something!" she was standing up now, she mumbled under her breath something but I didn't care to catch it.

She walked around the table, using it for support before placing her hand on the fridge for the same reason, "Come on Roxas, say something- speak your mind!" she yelled, almost in my face now, she placed her hand on my shoulder and shoved me, causing me almost to fall, "Come on!" she yelled again, "I'm going back to bed…" I mumbled, trying to walk forward and to my room but her fist closed around the front of my shirt and she pulled me back, I heard the slap but it took a second before I registered it, the prickling pain spread across my cheek while my vision in one eye blackened for a second.

"Good, go the fuck to bed," she shoved me again, causing me to crash into the counter, I walked away as I quickly as I could after I saw the look on my mother's face, I shut my door, meaning to slam it but realizing my mother would just be more angry if I did so I stopped, no sooner had I shut my door than I heard the bathroom door being pulled open. Looking at my phone I wondered if Axel had texted me yet but of course he didn't. I wanted to text him to tell that my mother was back but he was probably still angry at me… talking to me and listening to my problems was probably the last thing he wanted to deal with.

Sitting on my bed I bit at the inside of my lip, the pain still in my cheek, I poked it and could already feel the swelling- my mother had boney ass fingers. I could feel the tears prickling in my eyes but I fell sideways and buried my face in my pillow, turning my radio off and taking my phone out. Too bad if Axel didn't want to talk to me yet, I just needed to talk to him- about anything, anything to get away from right now. I waited for him to text me back, "Come on Axel…" I mumbled to myself, my phone started vibrating but before I could look and see what he said I heard a knock on my door.

I turned my head, not bothering to move from laying on my stomach- I didn't care what my mom had to say I wasn't in the mood. The door was open, there was no light on in the other room so she was completely invisible in the darkness, "Mom… what do you want?" the door shut as she walked, "Mom…" I grumbled, not really in the mood to deal with her sudden realization about everything, "Sorry Roxas, I'm not your mother," the voice was deep and damn right not my moms. But I knew the voice, and the voice was one I hoped to never hear again.

"Xemnas- what're you… you're here?" I rolled over as quickly as I could, even though my window barely let in any light, "Yeah, no thanks to you," he spoke through teeth, "I thought we had a deal," instantly the bed dipped and shook as he climbed onto the bed, I tried to climb away but I could barely see anything and what I could see I was too slow to get away from. "Ah!" my voice reacted before I could stop it, he had my wrists pinned above my head, "Gah- let go!" I twisted trying to get away from him but he only squeezed harder. My heart spazzed like it was going to pop out of my chest, I was panicking and the pain in my wrists and side from his knee ached in pain. "Let go, let go!" I mumbled, trying to pull away while ignoring the pain but I couldn't, the pain was making me nauseous.

"Roxas- you little bastard, what happened to our deal?" "You asked me to move in with my mom," I pulled on my wrists again, gritting my teeth in pain, "You didn't make me promise to lie and get you to go with us," "Smart ass," his hand loosened its hold on my hand and I tried to pull away but his hand tightened and then I felt his hand clamp around my throat. "I was going to make this a lot easier, and be patient… but I don't think you deserve it," "What?" I was terrified about what he was saying, I wanted him to let go and I wanted to get away, "Mom!" I yelled, calling for her, only to feel the hand on my throat tighten before slipping up so his hand was pressing over my mouth, "Roxas," he hissed in my ear, "It's in your best interest to shut the fuck up."

His hand fell from my mouth and was gone for a second and when I felt it again it was by my wrist, along with something else, "What're you doing?" I tried to pull my hands away and managed to for a second but he quickly pulled my wrist back up, he was tying my wrists with something, "Hold still and shut up," when I kept moving he took my wrists in one hand again and smacked me hard across the face, I gasped to pull air in and remember to breath- he hadn't knocked the air out of me but I'd forgotten that air was kind of accentual to my survival.

But after that hit he didn't stop there, he smacked me again, and again, and again. The first one was a punch but I'm almost sure all the ones that followed where slaps, but either way they hurt and I didn't even want to turn my face back so he could just smack me again but once he got my wrists tied he turned my face back all by himself. "Heh, your mother kicked me out like it was nothing," he spoke once he stopped smacking me, "She acted like she was fine without me- because I meant nothing to her, like I really give a shit," his hand slid to my chest from my stomach, his fingers sliding against my neck and then my cheek and all the way to my hair before he gave a strong tug. Feeling like he'd ripped out some of my hair I couldn't help but gasp, and then I yelled for my mother again.

"Do I have to break your jaw- will you shut up then?" he said after he smacked me hard again, tears were dripping down the sides of my face from the pain covering it, I wanted this all to stop, I couldn't deal with if he repeated what he did last time and I definitely couldn't if he did worse. Especially not with Axel angry at me on top of everything.

His hand let go of my hair and slipped up through the bottom hem of my shirt, going under my beater just the same, his hand slid up my chest, it was like he was trying to massage my chest or something but it felt weird and that weird feeling was making me sick, "Go away," I started mumbling under my breath, not wanting to get hit yet again, but he didn't, instead he continued on. Xemnas touched everything he wanted to, rubbed whatever he wanted to against me, and made everything hurt like he wanted, whenever I tried to scream he'd block my mouth, whether with his own or something else, and he made sure not to stop his torture for almost 4 hours.

When he finally left I ran to the bathroom, grabbing clothes as quickly as I could as I moved as fast as I could without hurting myself to the bathroom. I did everything like I did last time, I scrubbed my mouth after throwing up, trying to make myself throw up yet again and almost succeeding with how hard I was scrubbing my tongue and trying to get my throat. Scratching soap into my skin all over my body in hopes of getting rid of his memory, the sickness in my stomach wouldn't go away. Tears rolled down my face making the shower water taste like salt, my body wouldn't stop shaking even though the shower water was steaming, I wanted this feeling to go away.

Xemnas was a dick but at least he hadn't shoved his inside me, if that was what was the difference between being a virgin and not than I was still a virgin, I'm sure I wasn't a virgin in any other way- haven't been since the last time he was around. Just thinking about everything made me want to scream, it hurt and the hollowness that I'd managed to numb was growing again, I wanted to push it away, I wanted everything to go away. I remembered Axel's text, I dropped my razor back on the shelf before I did anything, all Axel had to say was, "Hey," and everything would be fine, I jumped out of the shower and grabbed my pants, dripping water all over the place, I looked at the message and my shakes subsided. I stared at the message, not caring that I was naked and covered in scolding water on the bathroom floor, "Not now," is all the message said.

The tears came quicker as I dropped my phone, not caring if I broke it, I climbed back into the shower and did was I always did best- cut so deep everything turned red just to push the pain away, after all- that lying, and being a bother seemed to be the only things I was good at. I didn't scratch up to my elbow this time, no- I had a much better idea. I took the new blade and pressed it to the crook of my arm, and I began to carve. After almost a minute and some twitching on my part I had a new cut- well, I had a lot more cuts, and I couldn't wait till they turned into scars because they cuts were deep enough where I could tell the scars wouldn't fade for well over a year.

The 'C' at the end curved to make the whole thing seem destined, the 'C' made it so I didn't have to carve into my wrist where the veins were close to the surface. The word bled as I rested it on the side of the shower, each letter dripping, "Me in one word?" I asked myself quietly, "Pathetic…" and now everyone would know that when they looked at my arm that clearly read, "PATHETIC". I stayed in the shower till the steaming liquid flowed out the temperature close to ice and the bleeding had subsided. I hoisted myself up to my feet, instantly feeling the sting and bruising in my muscles- including the muscles under my new cuts.

There was no way in hell I would be able to put bracelets on after this, so I didn't even attempt to. I slid on a loose long sleeved shirt to cover the wound for now, as I began sliding on the shirt I wondered if I should cover it- then I figured no, Axel didn't give a shit, my mother didn't, no one did so I guess if I died from infect it would be for the best. I'm not going to care when no one else does, I crawled into bed, watching my phone for almost 5 minutes and then I realized Axel wouldn't' text me when it was almost 7, but I quickly texted him, "Don't come over," I texted and turned away from my phone. I wanted to sleep but the tears wouldn't stop, I didn't want to go to school, I wanted to stay in bed all day and just rot, but I didn't want to stay with my mother and Xemnas any longer and they had enough booze in the freezer to say they weren't going anywhere.

But by the time I realized all this and got the redness from my tears to fade back to normal skin tone- obviously the small black eye and bruise on my cheek didn't turn back to skin tone right yet- it was almost 9 o'clock, and school started at 8:20. Oh well, I hurried up and left, not caring that I looked like shit and looked like I was pissed off. When I got to school it was 9:05, which also happens to be the start of second period, I checked my name off and went to class, ignoring everyone who tried to talk to me- which included Axel. He tried to talk to me but what was I supposed to say? I'm sorry I can't get over all this stupid shit and let everything affect me like I'm a baby?

No, that's why I carved the name into my arm, so I didn't have to but so they would all know somehow that I already knew how weak I was.

At the end of the school day I walked home, not stopping to walk out of the school with Axel, or at my sisters, I walked home, going straight to my room, opening my closet door and sticking it behind the doorknob of the door into my room so no one could open the door. Taking my phone I texted Rikku, telling her I was sorry I hadn't been by, everything was going good and mom had used her money from her job to get me a cell phone. I wondered how long I could keep this up because I was running out of time for my phone. I only had about 50 left for time, which equals about 16 text messages, after I got done talking to Rikku.

There was stomping as my mother and Xemnas made it upstairs and entered the apartment, I sat there and did absolutely nothing because there was nothing for me to do. And I did that till Friday came, before I could leave to walk home- still having not spoken a word to anyone including Axel I caught Axel before he left. "Rox?" his voice was gentle, I reached in my pocket and pulled out _his _phone and held it out for him, he opened his hand and looked at the phone, "Rox- I gave this to you to keep," he looked at the screen and I finally spoke, "No reason to keep it," my voice cracked because in the past few days I hadn't used it once just to speak, "No minutes…" I turned and left, "Roxas!" I stopped when I heard Axel yelling my name, he walked around to be in front of me, a smirk on his face, "You spoke to me," I nodded my head once as I stared off to the side.

"You're not… still mad at me… are you?" he asked and I was surprised, to the point where I had to look up at him, shaking my head, "I wasn't mad at you- ever," why would he think I was? When he didn't say anything I realized I should've just told him yes, I backed up a little and walked around him, there was no way I could talk to him- I couldn't open up to him because I didn't want to be bother, I didn't want to be so worthless and seeing Axel push through his pain only made me feel that much more selfish.

It was best if I stayed locked in my room, if I stayed quiet and didn't talk- it was best for me, it was best for my mother, my sister, and it was best for Axel. I'd hidden food in my room, the Ho-Ho's and doughnut holes my mother had bought, just so I would have another reason not to leave my room. The only real reason I left was to go to school or to go in the bathroom- which I did a lot and where I was at the moment, everything was a reason to cut deeper, I'd left my arm alone though, after all- I didn't want to mess up the word and there wasn't much other room… but there was on my other arm.

My wrist was covered now, but I didn't care, I didn't care that it hurt every time Xemnas pinned me and I didn't care that it hurt every time he tied my hands. His face when he saw the cuts on my leg made me shiver- at first he looked like _I'd_ hurt _him_, but then he smiled and asked if I did that because of him, but as much as I hated that he knew about it that didn't mean I was going to stop. Xemnas had seen how the number of cuts was slowly growing and made a note to point it out every time, but because of my long sleeves he couldn't see my arm- which was majorly infected.

Getting out of the shower I looked at my arm, the scabs had washed away but instead there was this white scab in its place and it looked like snot or something, I tried to pull it out but it wasn't solid and it stretched rather than peeling. It was gross, but I still didn't but anything on it, but instead walked back to my room, my whole arm felt on fire and that was compared to my body that wouldn't stop sweating, but I was freezing. Xemnas and my mother had been home since I made it back to my room, but there was a knock on the door, "Who is it?" Xemnas asked bitterly, I'm assuming my mother opened the door, "Hello," she sang, "You here for Roxas?" I still didn't know who was at the door, "Roxas!" there was a knock on my door.

I didn't want to move and unblock my door but my mother yelled again, "Roxas, open your damn door or Xemnas will take it off the hinges," that got me to jump up, I closed my closet door and slowly opened my bedroom door, peaking to see who was standing there. "Rox… can I come in," it was Axel, "Why?" I whispered, "Just… please?" slowly I opened the door and let him in, there was no reason to block my door because no one would try anything with other people here.

"Xemnas is here…" nodding my head I sat down on my bed, sitting against the wall and on my pillows, "How long?" "Beginning of the week…" "He hasn't… you know… tried anything… has he?" "Why're you here Axel?" he let out a sigh, interlocking his fingers together and speaking into them before resting his forehead against his hands. "I wish we could just talk to each other, that you would trust me… I didn't know things were getting this bad again…" he turned back and looked at me, "I was never angry at you Rox, I was drunk and I didn't want to say something stupid or something I'd regret- I thought telling you "Not now" would cue you in to text me later or talk to me at school…" of course it's my fault- I'm so stupid.

"I do trust you Ax…" "Then can we talk- can I ask you and you give me an answer that's not just, "Not right now,"? I want to know what you're thinking and I can't unless you tell me." I stayed quiet, shaking my head and resting my forehead against my knees. "Rox, you're not losing anything by telling me, and I'm not going to tell anyone if you don't want me to- I promise," I looked up at him, "I just want to know everything Rox…"

"I've had a crush on you since I met you," I blurted out, "Still wanna know?"

_**Duh-dun-dun~**_

_**Cliffhangers- gotta hate em.**_

_**Thanks for the reviews- I don't wanna spam you guys in your inbox but I want you to know that I love the reviews and that's pretty much while I upload the story so quickly :3**_

_**Also, if I do message you- I am extremely socially awkward so the conversation would probably die soon xD**_

_**Uploaded: May 26, 2013, not edited or anything**_


	13. Chapter 13: One Confession

Axel's green eyes widened in surprise even though he was frowning with confusion, "You've… had a crush… on me?" staying silent I nodded my head, "Seriously?" he laughed, "You- had a crush, on me?" I rolled my eyes at his voice, "Yeah… thanks for being so considerate about it, you're a real help," I kicked my feet under my blanket and slid to lay down, curled up against the wall, aggravated that he wasn't being serious and even more upset that he didn't say what I wanted him to say.

"Oh Roxas! I've been madly in love with you since I first laid eyes on you," – yeah no, why the hell would I think Axel would say that? Then again… if he did I think I might slap him upside the head.

"No- Rox… that's not what I meant," I felt his hand on my shoulder, and my first reaction was to flinch away, "I just didn't know you felt that way… and yes- I still wanna know… I'm still not going anywhere," I closed my eyes, trying to calm down from my random anger, "Rox- I'm sorry… really… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to sound like that… please- just, keep talking to me?"

"And what am I supposed to say?" sitting up and turning around I looked at him, are faces only inches apart, but Axel didn't look or move away like I did. Looking down I slid my butt towards the head of the bed like it was so I could slouch forward and not run into Axel, "I don't know what you want me to say…" I mumbled when he hadn't said anything. But as he started speaking I saw a shadow blocking the underside of my door, I watched- completely blocking out Axel's voice as the shadow stood there. "Rox?" looking up at him I put a finger to my lips and pointed to the door, he looked and noticed right away, "You know- we should probably work on that project or something…" he mumbled as he stood up and slowly walked to the door, "Wanna go out again to?"

Jumping to my feet as quietly as I could I found my discarded shoes and grabbed a hoodie to cover my long sleeve shirt, Axel opened the door slowly, only a little bit- about an inch and the person behind the door walked away, he opened it quickly and I saw Xemnas walking into the living room, Axel looked back at me and I just wanted to get out of my house, I grabbed Axel's hand and dragged him out my bedroom door and out of the house as quickly as I could.

"Does he always just stand outside your door like that?" "I wish…" walking in front of Axel I had no idea where we were going, I didn't want to go to the park to talk to him but I also didn't want to go to his house, "Where you going Rox?" stopping in my tracks I looked at my feet, "I don't know…" where ever my feet take me. "Here… I got a place," he placed his arm on my shoulder- but it wasn't like the times he had when we were just hanging out, it was the type of hold where it was more like he was holding me rather than leaning on me, and I liked that hold best.

We walked on the road for a while and then turned into the woods by a sign, we walked a quarter mile and then came to an opening, "This good?" he asked, and I looked around. There was a little bit of a beach, only maybe 3 people could fit on it comfortably, when I nodded Axel sat on a flat log and offered me to sit next to him, I looked out at the lake- all that could be seen on the other side was a few colors of houses and a bunch of trees.

"I used to always have a secret place at my old house- so I'd figured I'd find one around here too, this one seemed the best place," he had a smile on his face. We sat in silence for almost half an hour- just listening to the water and cars driving by behind us.

"Why is Xemnas there?" shrugging my shoulders I looked as the water washed up then away, "My mother's dating him again…" honestly I didn't understand what my mother saw in him but it wasn't really my opinion that mattered, "How long?" he asked, I could feel him looking at me but I still couldn't look up, "Have they been dating?" he nodded his head and I shrugged, "I don't know…" "How long has he been around?" "Since the beginning of the week…" "Your mom was away… wasn't she- that's why you looked like a skeleton," I looked up at him, not hiding my scowl, but he didn't smirk, "You can't say anything." "What?"

"You can't tell anyone," "I wasn't going to unless you want me to… why not?" I swallowed and looked up at the trees and sky, "My sister and Keyakku told me- this is my mother's last chance, after this they won't let her have custody of me…" "Is that really a bad thing?" he raised an eyebrow and I gawked at him, "Yes- she's my mother, they can't just- I don't want- no, no! They can't just give her these ultimatums, they can't just ask me to deny her as my mother," Axel stayed quiet but returned my stare; he took a deep breath and asked another question as he broke eye contact.

"How long was your mom gone?" waves and cars was the only sound while I worked up the mind to be open to him, "She was only there the first 3 days… then she didn't come back…" "So all those times you told me you couldn't hang out with me because you were with your mom- she wasn't even around?" there was definitely hurt in his voice. "I'm sorry… you acted like it was such a bad idea that I moved back in with her," I defended myself, "I wanted everyone to just trust her and believe it wasn't bad, and I didn't want you thinking it was a mistake, that I should've stayed with my sister, or have you worrying about me…" he lowered his head for a second and rubbed his forehead, nodding his head when he finally spoke, "Okay… so, back to Xemnas…" there was a brief silence, "He hasn't tried anything yet… has he?" I looked off to the side, not wanting to give him an answer.

"How far has he gone?" "I don't want to talk about this," "Tell me," his voice was gentle but forceful like it was when he was hounding me about my wrist, shaking my head I whispered, "No," he watched me and spoke quietly, "I need to know Rox… he hasn't… raped you or anything- has he?" I watched the water ebb, after a breath, "Define rape," he let out a sigh, looking up at the sky for a second, "Rape- as in his dick in your ass," I hated the bluntness of his words, "No he hasn't," he nodded his head, "Okay, so what has he done," silence, "Specify," he took a second to think, "Has he forced himself in you… you know… like… forced you to give him a blow job?" he was silent while he waited for my response, "If I don't say anything… can we just assume it means yes?" "Yeah… we can do that…" we were silent, "Is that your answer?" nodding my head I wanted to run away.

Everything sucked- I didn't want to admit to myself how disgusting I was but Axel was making me tell him and I was actually going along with it- and it's revolting to think I let all that shit happen to me. I should've tried harder against Xemnas and got away, then I wouldn't be having these problems, but obviously something was wrong with me to let it happen in the first place. "Has he forced anything into you?" and silence was the answer.

"Alright…" he took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, "So, your mom's been gone for almost 3 weeks, leaving you completely alone with no money, no food, and no contact, when she finally comes back she brings her pedophile ex-boyfriend with her who likes to sexually abuse you, and you haven't told anyone because you want to stay with her?" again silence was the answer.

"Rox- do you hear how fucked up that sounds?" my gaze stayed down, his arms were crossed and he was looking at me but I had nothing to say, "Honestly Roxas- give me an answer," he sounded impatient and maybe that was my cue to stop bitching and moaning, "I'm choosing to stay with her," "I know! And that's the fucked up part," he held out one of his hands like he was trying to demonstrate something even though all that was in front of us was water.

You see, I was in this mood where if Axel pushed hard enough than I'd give him an answer because I really wanted someone to tell me what to do- I wanted someone to give me the right answer or tell me what to do so I could blame them or brainwash myself into thinking it was right. But that feeling- of opening up, was now gone and I wanted nothing more than to up and leave but before I could stand up Axel started speaking. "Rox… I just don't understand why you put yourself through this… have you cut?" I couldn't help but let out a weak laugh, he was giving me the benefit of the doubt by even providing the possibility that I didn't, silence was always the best answer.

"Have you been taking care of them?" silence was golden but the shake of my head was anything but.

"Roxas- you're going to get sick from infection if you don't take care of them," his voice was harsh, "You're lucky your mother hasn't kill you yet- or better yet, Xemnas. You still have bruises on your face not to mention bruises from whatever the fuck Xemnas did to you. You can't live like this anymore Rox, it's not healthy and it's not going to get you anywhere! You think cutting yourself is going to make everything better- it's not it's just hurting yourself more! You think you're going to wake up one day and your mother's going to be fucking perfect, Rox I barely know her but I know that's bullshit, she's not going to change for you- to help you, she's not going to leave Xemnas and she's never going to be a proper mother! She's never going to show you she cares-," "I know!" I cut him off, "Just shut up," I mumbled, my fingers in my hair while my palms covered my ears.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," leaning as far forward as my aching body would let me I continued to scream into my legs, "You think I don't know she doesn't care?" I yelled, standing up and looking at him, staring at him through tears, "I know she hates that she has me as a son, and I know the _cutting_ isn't going to make everything better, but you think I give a shit?" Axel looked so shocked that I was screaming at him but I didn't stop, "I don't care if my mother leaves because she tries- no, no, don't say anything, she fucking tries and she does care! But you know what- it's not the only thing on her mind, that first new day- we're the happy fucking family and I don't care if it only lasts for the day because for that day she's_ my_ fucking mother and I'm not pushing away what little pieces of her I can have!

"And cutting? Why the hell are you yelling at me about that? It's not like I'm killing myself- they're _cuts_, _scratches_, _paper cuts_- you gonna tell me to live in a safety proof room for the rest of my life? People get hurt so why the fuck does it matter if I do it to myself on purpose," I was nowhere near done with my rant, "And who the hell are you to tell me to stop- you've ignored me this entire week, do you even know why I cut?" a brief silence where Axel shook his head, "Because this is mine!" even though he was shocked just a little more than before, with tears in my eyes I still didn't stop, "This is what _I_ have control over- because it doesn't matter how fucked up I feel this is always there and this is always an option and it sure as hell isn't going anywhere any time soon. If I can take a blade to my skin it means I'm still alive and that sting of pain lets me feel what I want and be numb to what I don't.

"They can take everything else away from me but my mother can't take this away from me, Xemnas can't take it away- hell, not even the fucking government can take it away, why the hell should I let you- this is mine and you don't even fucking care about me," my rant was brought to a halt when I was pulled off my feet and onto the ground, straight into Axel's chest. "Axel- let," he cut me off, speaking casually in my ear as his hands stayed wrapped around me and held me against his chest. "Don't say that Rox, I don't care if you're pissed off and want to be angry at everyone- don't even think that I don't care about you." At first I was pushing against him, trying to get ahold of my own body weight that was pretty much all being handled by Axel but once he finished talking and wrapped his arms around me like an actual hug he shifted his legs so I could kneel and he continued to hug me.

"Rox… don't think I don't care… not even for a second… if I didn't care I would've never bothered trying to be there for you," he pushed me so he could look at me, he placed his hands on my cheeks, "I know it doesn't feel like you can give it up, I know- I understand that, but I want you to talk to me about it… it isn't healthy mentally and everyone else isn't putting this strain on themselves," I looked down at his chest and stomach, not wanting to by the stupid bother I was being. "Why don't you stay the night at my house," he recommended and I was a little surprised he was even asking, "Unless you don't want to," "No- I do…" I mumbled, looking up at him quickly before back down.

"Great, it's a little late so we should probably head back now," he went to stand up but I held onto his sleeve, "Rox?" "I'm sorry…" "Huh, for what?" he sat back down and looked at me, "For… being so complicated and being a bother… I wish I could just tell you and not be a problem…" I dropped my head, Axel's shirt tickling the hair on the top of my head as they barely touched, "You're right… I have those moment where I don't want to do this anymore and I want to do better… but that feelings going away and it… well… it's…" "It's scaring you?" silently I nodded my head, the moments I wanted to live and have a better life and actually care was disappearing more and more and coming back less and less and I didn't want to wake up one day and have it be too late.

"Come on," he stood up, his hand sliding into my own to replace where I was holding his sleeve, we walked to his house, his foster mom smiling, Axel told me to go upstairs and that he'd be up in a second- and to be expecting him up in a little while. He said it as his foster mom picked on him, I couldn't help but smile as she picked on him, so I ducked my head, walking up to his room, I waited and watched out the window, minutes passed and I wondered if he just ditched me or something, then I heard him coming up the stairs- I knew it was him and I couldn't help but smile because I was so used to hearing Axel walk up the stairs to my house that I could tell just by his walking patterns.

He pushed open the door wider with his foot and kicked it shut, I noticed he had food in his hands, I raised an eyebrow and looked up at him, "I figured you might be up for some food," he held out a microwavable box that had macaroni and cheese in it along with a hot dog, hesitantly I took it, as long as it wasn't made solely of sugar and pretty much diabetes in a bag then it was delicious.

Grabbing the fork I looked up to see Axel taking a bite out of an apple looking between me and his apple and random space. Slowly I began eating it, Axel patted the bed next to him and I sat down, "Do you know what we got on the project?" he asked and I shook my head while taking a bite of the hot dogs, "As long as we passed I don't really care," I added around the food. He smirked, "Never pictured you as a type to not care about school," I shrugged my shoulders, "I do… I want to graduate if I get that far."

Once I said it I realized that it sounded a little pessimistic and probably ruined whatever optimism we had between us at the moment, Axel nodded his head, "Hopefully we'll be able to graduate," he quickly said before a bite of apple again. We sat in silence except for the short conversations we had, till we were both done, "You done?" he asked and I nodded my head, he held out his hand, "I'll take care of it," I felt bad for making him do so much and when I told him that he said, "Keep that in mind, because you're about to hate my guts," he took the fork and mostly empty cardboard box out of my hand and was out of the room before I could say anything.

I walked towards his door but as soon as I got there he was standing right in front of me, with a heavy breath to offset his heavy breathing from running he spoke, "Let's go," "Go where?" "Bathroom," "For wha," "Come on," he grabbed right by my under arm and I looked up at him surprised, "Bathroom- why?" "Because we need to have a very long chat concerning you taking care of your cuts," my eyes widened, hell no- we were not doing this, I dragged my feet but he just adjusted his hold to drag me, "No," he cut me off, "You don't have a choice," he led me into the bathroom and forced me to sit on the toilet lid, I stood up as soon as he let go only for him to set his hand on my shoulder and push me back down. Waiting till he wasn't touching me I tried to get up again but he made me sit yet again, "Stay there Rox," he pointed but I tried yet again, this time he pushed me to sit down, making me slide into the wall with little to almost force, I waited till he started to mess with the sink, turning the hot water on.

Taking yet another chance I stood up and tried to run out of the room, but Axel stopped me, "Stop being so stubborn, just sit down, you're not taking care of yourself so till you do- someone has to or you're going to end up dead," he stared at me and slowly I sat back down, "I can do it myself…" I mumbled, "I bet you can," he said, messing with the sink again, "But till you start to, I'm going to bug the shit out of you," "I'll do it myself," "No," "What, why?" "Because- as of right yet you haven't, so why should I believe you will now?" "Are you saying you don't trust me?" This turned into an argument quickly, "No- I'm not saying that, but till I know you'll care about yourself then I'm not leaving you alone to. Anyway, why the hell does it matter if I'm in the room or not," "Because I don't want you seeing-," "I've seen your wrist Rox- it isn't something new," "So? I don't want to show you, if it was possible I'd rather stand in front of a thousand people naked rather than show you or anyone else my arms- you've already told me how to clean it, I,"

"What did you say?" he cut in and I froze, looking up at him, "What?" the anger in my voice was gone but I still didn't want to show him, he turned to be facing me, "You said you'd rather be naked than show me your _arms_," I couldn't hide my surprise, "So- I said arms instead of wrist, what's it matter?" "Shirt, off, now," he watched me and I shook my head, "Roxas, we're not leaving here till your cuts are clean- so might as well get it over with now," glaring at him, "You were right…" I mumbled, "I do hate your guts right now," he gave a quick smirk but I could tell that was just out of habit and not really genuine.

He turned to be facing the sink and pulled out some packets from his pocket, he ripped them open and dumped them in the sink- he'd filled the sink with water and was putting salt in it, of course. "Can you take your shirt off now- I promise not comment on the cuts or anything… okay?" after a few minutes were he continued to stare at my I nodded my head and slid my sleeves off my arms and held my arms to my chest while he finished doing what he was doing. I wasn't lying when I said I'd rather be naked than show my scars- I couldn't explain if it was because I wanted to keep them to myself or if I was ashamed for some reason but either way I hated it. When Axel saw my wrist last time I didn't give a shit- it was just the mood I was in but again, at the moment, I didn't want Axel or anyone to see.

"Alright, put your cuts in the water if you can," he held his hand out like he was offering the sink to me after he'd taken a step back, as he continued to stare at me I stood up, keeping my shirt on around my upper arms and slid my arm out from under my shirt, sliding it into the water. I glanced up in the mirror to see Axel looking at the cuts, I'd only put my right wrist in- maybe he would forget about my left arm and I could hide those from him. "Other arm too," shaking my head he continued talking, "If there's cuts on it put it in the water- if not just show me so I can make sure," I didn't want to- I really didn't want to.

Axel continued to talk to me, asking and telling me to put my other arm in the water- I was glad I could keep my leg completely away from Axel's knowledge, he kept asking and I either didn't bother to respond or told him no. He stepped closer to me, his arms going around my front while he rested his forehead against the back of my head, "Rox… I'm trying to be nice about this and upset you as least as possible, but it's really difficult…" his hand slid under my shirt where a gap had been created by my arm in the sink, and he grabbed my hand, holding it so my fist closed around his thumb. He pulled my arm down, his head still against mine so he couldn't see anything, and even though I knew he couldn't- I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the infection I knew lied there.

The cuts on my other wrist weren't very bad- I hadn't cut deep and I hadn't cut that wrist in a few days and that hurt enough to make me fidget, but when he started pushing my arm down into the saltwater I had to bite my lips, "Ah- don't," I tried to pull my arm out of his hold and back to my chest, the flush of saltwater that washed over just the end of the 'C' made me want to scream and punch Axel, "It's infected Rox," he mumbled into the back of my head, "It has to get clean-," "It hurts," I gasped as he pushed my arm into the saltwater again, "Stop, stop, stop," I mumbled, using my other arm to pull Axel's hand away.

He took a deep breath and looked ahead, looking at me in the mirror- at my face, "I'm sorry… I'm sure it hurt worse when you did it," "No, it didn't…" his lips were pressed against the crown of my head, "It's infected, Rox," "How do you know?" "Because I felt your face earlier… when we were at the lake- I could feel you had a fever…" he held my hand, "Ready Rox?" I shook my head, "I promise," he started, "You can beat the shit out of me afterwards if you want," I let out a breath like a laugh and he forced my hand out from under my shirt. I watched his face in the mirror as he looked at the cuts, I could see his surprise when he saw the word written down my arm. "Rox," "You said you wouldn't comment," he was silent for a second, "This is really infected," he started to push it down into the water and I tried to pull my arm away.

It hurt like hell, the stinging that shot through my veins, and bit at my skin was an assault that hit me like a brick wall, "Let go," mumbling while I pushed against him with my back, I tried to get my hand loose and get away from the water, but Axel just pushed against me so I was pinned between him and the counter. If it wasn't for the searing pain in my arm I would probably being blushing till my face melted off, but the pain was there and I wanted him to let go. "Rox, it's okay, shh," he started, I tipped my head forward, trying to curl up and push the pain away- it was a wonder I never tried cleaning it before- it hurt like a bitch, I was glad I never tried to.

After a few seconds of the stinging pain building up in arm the pain slowly disappeared, I was practically bent over the sink, I pressed my forehead against the faucet, as Axel continued to hold my hand in the sink and ignore my hand pulling back while my other hand tried to push his arm off. "It hurting less now?" he asked as I slowly sat up a little, I nodded my head, the pain was still echoing but it was more just discomfort and the inability to stop it that was getting to me than the actual sting.

"I'm fine," I said, he let go of my arm and wrapped his arms around me, hugging my upper arms while I left my arm resting in the sink. Because I had to bend over to even get up to my elbow in the sink and under the saltwater, Axel was bent over at the same awkward angle I was. Axel reached into the water with his scrawny arms and pulled out the plug so the water would start draining, he reached over to the back of the toilet and grabbed a towel, unfolding it and holding it open to dry off my arms. Hesitantly I placed my only still wet arm in the towel- my right arm had been gripping Axel's so it had air dried, he folded the towel over the cuts and gently slid his hand down my arm, trying to get all the remaining saltwater off my arm.

"Sorry…" he softly said when he pressed a little harder and that jolted pain into my arm, "It's fine…" I mumbled, I hated to be thinking about it at a moment like this- but I liked Axel holding me like he was. He was leaning against me, his arms pressed against my upper arms as he reached in front of me, I liked being this close and of course I was the stupid one who liked being held by a man that didn't like me the same way. But- hey… this was better than nothing.

He grabbed gauze from under the sink and taped it to my arm and wrists, he told me not to put my sleeves back on so I walked over to his room hiding in my sweatshirt that was always a little big on me. Axel opened his dresser and went through his clothes, he pulled out a black and blue checkered shirt, "It's not mine but it looks like your size," "Who's is it?" "Well I guess it is mine, I was given it when I moved in because they thought it would fit me but it's too short." Pulling my hoodie off and dropping it to the floor with my long sleeved shirt I slipped on the shirt, the sleeves went a little past my elbows but the gauze was still clearly visible.

"Let's go to bed," Axel stripped his shirt so he was wearing his beater after he told me to lay down, I laid against the wall like I had before and Axel turned off the light, climbing into bed.

I wondered what Axel thought when I told him I liked him… he acted like it never even happened and I didn't know if that was a bad thing or a good thing.

_**Early bed time tonight! Well, maybe, Imma try since the last 3 nights I've only gotten 2 hours, so- since all you lovely people left me so many charming reviews I decided I'd upload it now rather than tomorrow :3**_

_**Uploaded: May 27, 2013**_


	14. Chapter 14: One Talk

As hard as I tried I couldn't fall asleep, my arms burned with remnants of the salt water while my mind raced with questions I wanted Axel to answer. The gauze was so awkward around my wrists and arm- not to mention the sensitivity of the wounds- that getting comfortable on Axel's bed just wasn't working, lying on my back with my arms just resting at my sides while I stared at the street light reflection on the ceiling I could hear Axel breathing in calmly.

Sitting up I looked around the room, not much was visible but I didn't want to sit and go to sleep- I was tired but that was probably just from the pain, "Axel?" I nudged him with my foot, he was laying on his stomach, the pillow bunched up in his arms to lift his head farther up off the bed, "Hmm?" he slid closer to the point where we were almost touching, "Are you sleeping?" "Almost… why?" he popped open an eye, almost all of his iris was invisible do to the darkness. "I don't know…" he mumbled back at me, "Go to sleep," "But I don't wanna," he hummed in question, "I'm not tired…" I quietly added, "Remember that when I wake you up in the morning," he said as he rubbed his eye and tilted himself so he could prop himself on his elbows. "So what _do_ you wanna do?"

Axel turned his head and looked over at me, I noticed at some point he must have put his hair up because it wasn't all over the place like you would think. "I don't know… talk?" he nodded his head, even though there was a little light in the room and I kept my eyes open- Axel had shut his again even though he was facing me. "How often do you sleep Rox?" "Huh?" "How many hours did you sleep last night?" I thought for a moment, "I took a nap when I got home… a few hours…" "That's it?" when I nodded my head he asked how much sleep I got the night before last, "Um… I slept for a few hours," "How many's a few?" "From 7 almost 8 to 10… why're you asking about how much I sleep?"

"How long has this been going on?" his eyes were open but he wasn't looking at me like he was awake but rather like he was really tired or really serious, "Has what?" "You not getting sleep like you should," I felt weak lying on my back with my arms at my side like I was- but I couldn't really move and not hurt myself in the process, "Oh… I do get sleep… it's just- off and on…" "How long?" I thought back, sleep was always something that never really got along with me- I think the reason I slept at all was just because I was a lazy person (still am), "I don't know… a while… before school started," it was late October now, Halloween was becoming a pretty big deal like it usually was.

Axel rested his head in the crook of his arm, "That's not good Rox, you should get more sleep…" "I know," I said quickly as he groaned, I hated that he always had to play babysitter to me, "It's not like I'm staying up on purpose," I sat up, looking down at him, "I try to go to sleep, I just can't- it's not my fault," "Roxas," he groaned again, burying his face in the pillow before he looked up at me, "I wasn't blaming you," there was a silence, I could hear in his voice that he was tired and that I wasn't helping very much, "Go to sleep…" I mumbled to him as I tried to scoot off the bed, "Where're you going?" "I don't know, to sit on the floor- I don't want to keep you up."

I hadn't been able to move very far in that short amount of time- turns out it's kind of hard when your arms aren't on your side, I felt something wrap around the front of me before it pulled me back, "You're going to sleep too," Axel mumbled in my ear as I was pulled to lay back down. Trying to get his arm off of me he only shifted his body so he was laying on his side, his other arm folded to support his head, "Go to sleep Rox," he said after a yawn, I looked at him but his eyes were closed. Listening and feeling the rise and fall of his chest while his arm stayed on my waist I felt fat- Axel looked so skinny compared to me, like un-healthy skinny, obviously I wasn't suffering from some food shortage, I tipped my head to look down, his arm was flat on my stomach but I still felt fat.

Closing my eyes I used Axel's breathing as a sort of music and I don't know if I feel asleep because sometimes I would wake up and it'd feel like a second went by but it'd also feel like I just woke up. This continued and I closed my eyes once and opened to the sun lighting up the room, slipping free of Axel's hold- though I had used the hours of the night to take complete memory of it so it was now committed and if I wanted I could probably remember it whenever, I sat on the ground. Finding Axel's phone plugged in and sitting on the floor next to the bed I checked the time, it was almost 7- I was so used to waking up for school it seemed. Sitting cross legged on the floor- I wanted to cross my arms but the gauze got in the way, I waited for Axel to get up but he was out, having rolled over when I moved. Using my free time I went to the bathroom, as I was washing my hands I wondered if Axel would be pissed if I took the gauze off, or was it okay to do that now?

I peeled a piece of gauze that didn't have tape, trying to peak under but I didn't really see anything, I'd just leave it on for right yet. Once I got back into the room I covered my shoulders with my hoodie, not wanting to worry about the gauze in the sleeves but also cold out of the blanket and without Axel's heat. And soon I started humming to occupy myself, I was so bored and Axel wasn't waking up yet. Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz was the first song I hummed- I didn't know the lyrics past the chorus so that was repeated a bunch of times which then turned into I'm not Alright by Sanctus Real- it went from humming to quietly singing and then To Write Love On Her Arms by Helio- or was it Hawthorne Heights? One of the two…

Humming and singing was all the same to me and I only sang the lyrics I really wanted to, Last Night by Skillet and One Less Heart to Break by Patent Pending slipped in there too and I realized I was singing/humming very emotional songs about cutting and depressing stuff. Humming became the only thing I was going to do now, but that turned into just thinking- like I had been all night, "Was there a reason Axel didn't say anything about me liking him?" I would have to ask him when he got up, I found myself lying on the floor, I tipped my head so I could look at Axel and just like I thought he was sleeping still.

I waited, and waited, and waited for him to wake up, checking his phone again I found that it was a little past 9, if I listened closely I could hear someone walking around downstairs- probably Axel's foster mom, I knew he had a foster dad too but I never heard anything about him. I should ask about him when Axel wakes up, I slid my hoodie on completely, I wanted to hide how fucked up I was, standing up I went back into the bathroom, getting my hands wet with water so I could style my hair rather than making it look so messy and like I just woke up, I didn't really change it all that much but I felt better about it. The bruises on my face were disappearing slowly and were almost not there, other than that I looked like a normal kid, cliché blond hair and blue eyes with pale skin.

Walking back in Axel's room yet again I took the seat on the floor and waited, I knew the question I would ask him when he woke up, and as I started wording it in my head I noticed him move and his eyes were calmly open. "You awake?" "Yeah…" he said softly, I wanted to sit up but as soon as I realized Axel was awake all I wanted to do was sleep. "How long have you been up?" shrugging my shoulder I continued to stare at the ceiling, "I moved to the floor at 7…" he grabbed his phone and then lazily looked at it before setting it back down, "have you been up since then?" nodding my head I saw Axel close his eyes and roll on to his back.

"Axel… I gotta question…" "Ask away," "Why didn't you say anything… when… I told you… that… you know… I like you…" I mumbled the last part into my shirt as I sat up. "What'd you want me to say?" Axel seemed so relaxed and I was practically having a panic attack, "I don't know… something…" nothing was said so I kept talking, "Do you… I don't know… hate me now?" "Why would I hate you?" he picked his head up and looked at me, "You know I dated Sora," I mumbled under my breath, "But I'm not Sora…" "Rox…" he sat up on the bed, his pant legs had rolled up to his knees in his sleep to show his scrawny legs- reminding me just how inadequate I am.

"Do you know why I bothered with Sora?" he asked, looking at me, and I shook my head, "Because he looked like you," that surprised me, I blushed and looked down again, unable to look at him, "So… so- what's that… mean between us?" I asked nervously, trying not to stutter and stumble over my words, Axel ran a hand through his hair as he sighed, "It doesn't mean anything- we're friends," in other words- what he really meant, "I liked you, till I found out how fucked up you are," I kept my head down, not bothering to look up at him.

"Rox- _we_ can't date," I understood he didn't want to date me, so I kept my head down. He let out another sigh and followed by a groan and he continued talking, "_You_ aren't emotionally stable to be in any relationship Rox- it wouldn't be good for you and it wouldn't be good for the other person," so not only did Axel not want to be in a relationship with me but he also didn't think I should be in a relationship with anyone else. And that made perfect sense- I mean, I am a train wreck at every turn and there's no way I could ever be in an intimate relationship because my social phobia would get the better of me.

"What're you thinking?" he asked, I shook my head, "No, tell me- I can tell you're not happy," he paused but I said nothing, "What're you thinking?" I folded my knees up to my chest, my arms resting at my sides still, "I don't know… you're right," I admitted, "It's not like I can be in a relationship… a good one at least…" I mumbled another small part under my breath so Axel couldn't hear, "What did you say?" "Not a good one-," "After that," "Nothing…" I kept my head down, "Tell me Rox," "I said," I said clearly before mumbling the end, "I probably fuck that up too."

Axel let out a sigh, "It's not that I don't want to date you- I don't want to be the one to fuck it up Rox! I've never dated people I felt I had to watch out for," "You don't- I don't need a fucking babysitter," "That's not what I meant and you know it," he glared at me the one moment I decided to look up, I instantly looked back down, "Listen Rox… I'm not saying we can't ever be together but I'm not telling you we will… yes, I still want to date you," I looked up at him in shock, that's not what it sounded like he was saying a few seconds ago. "But I don't think… I don't know…" he paused for a second, "I don't want us to break apart because you're still confused," "I'm not confused…" "Rox," he looked at me, "You aren't in the best places mentally- that's what I mean, I can't even hug or touch you without you flinching away because of Xemnas. I don't want us to go jumping into things and have everything fuck up because it was too much too soon."

Wrapping my arms around my legs I ignored the pain in my healing cuts and looked ahead at the bed blankly before turning my head sideways and resting it on my knees, I was tired Axel didn't seem like he wanted to sleep. It was like he could read my mind, "Are you tired?" I hesitated before nodding my head, "How's your arms?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Do they hurt when you touch then?" I held out my arm, poking at the word I knew was written there, the pain was minimal compared to last night, "Not really… a little…" he nodded his head, swinging his feet back onto the bed, "What're you doing?" my voice was quiet.

"_We're_ going back to bed," he waved his hand for me to come closer, hesitantly I stood up and went to the end of the bed, crawling to be back against the wall, when I laid down I laid on my stomach but I was quickly grabbed and pulled to be half under Axel and half held by him. "Let's just go back to sleep…" he said quietly, I never thought of myself wanting to e with someone, I never thought I'd actually want to have that kind of relationship. I mean- I always wanted to be close to someone because I never wanted them to leave… but I never thought about actually being with someone in any intimate way. And the sad part is- I want to be with Axel, which includes something of the intimate sort but I can't honestly think of ever _being_ that close to someone… it just seems so awkward.

Before I knew it tears were dripping down the side of my face, I quickly brought a hand up to get rid of them, hating that I was crying but not being able to stop how I was thinking. Was I really this fucked up and only know realizing it? No one was going to even remotely want to be with me when they saw my scars- Axel was the only one I could think of that would, and yet I can't even be close to him without first flinching away. I'm terrified of being hurt because I've spent enough time with Xemnas to only think of the pain, I know Axel wouldn't hurt me but I can't control myself from feeling the fear- so there's no point in us even being in a relationship because we'd be just as we are- I hate how I can't control my emotions and my feelings. There's nowhere for me to go if this is how I am- there's nothing and I don't want to accept that.

It's my fault Axel and I can't be together and that's completely my fault, everything's my fault because I can't get anything together. Relationship aside- that's probably why my mother's never around, because she can't deal with me, and I don't blame her- I can't because I really am that pathetic. Axel's hand began rubbing my back but he didn't say anything, I'm so tired of fighting everyone, everything, and myself, but I don't know how to be any different.

He remained silent but continued to rub my back as I tried not to cry more than I already was, which got me nowhere but more tears. As I took in an unsteady breath, Axel shifted so his hand went underneath me, he pulled me around so my head rested under his chin and just continued to rub my back, I was so tired and so pissed at myself but it's like the more I tried to give in and sleep the harder it was.

Waking up when Axel began talking I found my head still tucked under his chin, he was whispering something to me- but it turns out I wasn't as awake as I thought so I quickly fell back asleep, hugging my arms that were crossed against my chest tighter to my body and enjoying Axel's warmth.

When I woke up for the final time I was on the bed, alone, I reached to feel the bed next to me to find it was still warm but still no Axel. I cuddled into the blankets and waited for Axel to get back, it felt like maybe half an hour when he finally walked through his bedroom door, "Hey Rox, how long you been up?" "Not too long," he nodded his head, setting the bag in his hand down on the floor next to the bed, "How you feeling?" he sat on the bed next to me, "Fine…" he nodded his head and grabbed the bag to pull out- of course- a gauze roll. "It'll probably be more comfortable than the gauze that's on right now," he motioned for me to sit up and take the gauze off, I wanted to roll my eyes but realized he'd already seen so there was nothing to hide.

"Ready?" nodding my head he began pulling off the gauze- some of the tape was cutting it close to the wounds but otherwise it didn't hurt too bad. The redness had gone down a bit but the actual scabs were almost not there, the scabs indented to curve into the cut and I wondered if that was how it was supposed to look- none of my scars ever looked like that. It looked like it was a fresh cut without the blood and a little healed up (obviously it was, so basically the whole thing minus the major infection from yesterday), but it didn't hurt as bad and neither did the ones on my wrists or on the back of my wrists.

"We should probably clean them before we wrap them," "You know… Axel… you don't have to do this, right?" "Huh?" "You don't have to constantly play doctor… you don't have to acknowledge them if you don't want to." He took a deep breath and easily ignored what I had said, "Maybe just some Neosporin will work," he was gone but right back in the room, he rubbed the jell onto the cuts and proceeded to wrap it up in the gauze. "Better?" I instantly nodded my head, it was a bunch better.

"I hate to say it… but do you have to go home soon?" he finally asked, I looked up at him then back down, "Probably… but hey- at least I won't die of infection," I smiled, hoping to making him at least smirk, but he barely even did that. "Let's get some food and then I'll walk you home," I put my hoodie back on, Axel said I could keep the shirt because he liked it on me, and we headed out and guess where we went. McDonald's- to by a greasy hamburger, large fries, and a soda- perfection.

We sat outside just like before and picked at the food, we talked about random things, but I was happy because Axel was smiling- and that was enough for me. "Alright… want me to walk you up?" shaking my head he nodded, "Okay, see you in school? Possibly tomorrow?" "Hopefully," I didn't specify, because hopefully he would see me one of the two upcoming days and that one day would be the start of many more. Axel gave me a hug before he began walking home and I began walking upstairs, I opened the door, hearing nothing inside I shut it and walk towards my room, it was almost 4 because that little nap too way longer than I thought but I enjoyed it.

Anyway, I walked in my room, and no sooner had I made it over to my window to see Axel walking away had my door shut, I turned around to find Xemnas standing in front of my door, "Where were you last night?" "At a friend's…" there was nowhere for me to go so there was no point in showing him I was afraid, "Hanging out with that boy?" "What's it matter?" "It matter's very fucking much because you're mine Roxas- not his." He moved closer to me and I was stuck between a wall, a bed, a window and a Xemnas.

Xemnas had an evil smirk on his face- one that said he had plans and my mother wasn't home, and I was going to be the weak defenseless creature that I was. The worst part in all this- it was prod daylight and this time- everything would be perfectly visible. He moved closer to me, my mind raced as I saw those handcuffs he had bought because they were quicker than the rope, my mind yelled, "No."

_**Ohmyfuck. I don't think I can do daily updates and school... but there's only 4 days :D so that's a good thing... kinda...  
Anyway... do you guys like it when I reply to your reviews? I know I love getting them but I don't want to spam you guys if you don't want me to, because spamming... spamming I'm good at xD**_

_**Uploaded: May 28, 2013**_


	15. Chapter 15: One PIece

I laid down- pretty much collapsing on my bed, everything hurt and I just wanted to sleep it off and get away from all of this shit. Watching my clock got me nowhere but feeling more restless, sleep wouldn't come and I wanted so bad to text Axel- but I had no phone. Everything that had happened between Xemnas and me washed through my mind and wouldn't let me sleep even though I was exhausted- to the point where I was too tired to even go into the bathroom.

When I saw him walking towards me with those handcuffs it was like my mind clicked- fight back, I don't want to take his shit anymore. Shoving past him I tried to run out the door, and outside- I would run back to Axel's- I would run anywhere away from him, but as I shoved his weight off he pushed me. Crashing onto my bed it took me a second too long to get my footing back, pushing my upper body up while my feet were already starting to run I was grabbed by the wrist and he yanked my arm, pulling me to the floor. Rolling to keep momentum I tried yet again to get to my feet, but Xemnas was getting his own balance back and that meant as I started to crawl on my hands and feet- trying to push my upper half up again or use my limbs as another thing to push me forward, he snaked a hand in my hair.

My closed door felt harder when Xemnas smashed my face into it. I was able to save my nose at the last second by turning my face sideways but my cheek and side of my head got the blow, "Let go!" grunting while I threw my shoulders from side to side I tried to loosen his hold- at least for a second, that was all I needed to get away. He had me roughly pinned to the door and I used my leg to kick him- hitting him in a spot that made me smile, he let go for a second, enough for me to push him back so he lost his balance. Wrapping my hand around the door handle I had opened it no more than a few inches before it was slammed shut and I was whipped around, a boney knuckle hit my already hurt cheek bone throwing my further to the side and off my feet.

Pushing off the closet door I tried to get my footing back because Xemnas was taking a second to get his breath back in his smoker lungs, as I started to move back to the door he grabbed my wrists- picking me up a bit before dropping me on my ass. Crawling away my leg was grabbed and I was pulled back to him, I kicked him hard- hitting his hip or stomach or something, he let go for a second and I was able to kick him further off balance so he fell into the wall. Scrambling to my feet I pulled open the door and tried to run out but a hand closed around my side- squeezing into my flesh and tipping my balance off. Falling I tried to keep moving but he fell with me and was pulling me back, I kicked as I was rolled onto my back, I don't know what my foot hit but he grip kept shifting and throwing me off, rolling onto my back when I was able to I felt my hands pulled behind me and this time it didn't matter how much I thrashed my shoulders.

The warm metal clicked around my wrists, locking my arms behind my back, I continued to thrash though- I could still run away, but I was grabbed by my shirt and pulled to my feet. Trying to run out the door that was still shut didn't get anywhere- not because my hands were behind my back, that thought never even had time to cross my mind, but rather, Xemnas grabbed me by my hair and yanked me backwards, making me crash onto my back- my wrist bending painfully under my weight and making me cry out. He'd let go of me when I started falling so I used that freedom to roll onto my stomach and off my wrist, I tried to force myself to my feet- the pain making me want to scream and run- to do something to forget the pain.

But as I started to stand a foot cut under my stomach and lifted me off the ground in a mind blowing kick, knocking the air out of me and sending me rolling back onto my back and then my side, I tried to force air that I didn't have out. My mind raced and my lungs burned when I refused to breathe in but once I did my breath was erratic and the pain bloomed across my ribs causing me to try not to scream. Screaming into the floor anyway when his foot stomped on my side again- I called for my mom, a blood curdling scream that was followed by another cracked and raw scream. Xemnas grunted as he picked me up by my hair, smacking me and dropping me again, my vision was blacking out more and more with every hit and I was knocked out of commission for a minute or two as I tried to remember how to function.

He grabbed my arm, dragging me on my knees as he pulled me towards my room, his hold felt like it was breaking my shoulder but I couldn't respond, it was like everything just wasn't happening- it felt so distant. The door was slammed shut behind us as Xemnas threw me to the floor, I tried to push against the floor with my shoulders while Xemnas propped my door shut with the help of my closet door, when I finally managed to get my knees bent up I was grabbed and thrown onto the bed, bouncing and rolling a little my hands still trapped behind me. "You little shit," he mumbled, moving around my room, he leaned over my bed, pinching my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him, "You deserve every little part of this," he shoved his tongue in my mouth for a brief second before continuing to move around.

I wish I was one of those people that could just push pain away if they didn't like it, but I wasn't. This means I felt every little singe of pain and every painful squeeze of his grip and was too pathetic to get away, the hollowness inside me seemed to be almost all that I was. I wanted to scream everything away, I wanted to implode away every pulse of pain and every empty space that felt like it occupied my insides. As hard as I squeezed my eyes and tried to push everything away the more it hurt and the more I felt, by the end of his sadistic fantasies the hollowness didn't matter. The pain was such a throb that covered my entire body, I didn't even want to breathe in because it seemed like too much, he flipped me onto my stomach and pulled me to my feet at the end of the bed, undoing the handcuffs, he left, walking back into the living room shutting my door on his way out.

As Axel said- it wasn't rape, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I fell onto my bed, wanting nothing more than to sleep, which is where I was now.

Pulling my pillow down, the aching in my wrist was throbbed still but I cuddled to my pillow- being careful of my wrist and wounds, I held the pillow against my chest and buried my face in it, my breathing becoming more labored as the seconds passed by, and soon tears were falling down my face. Might as well cry- that was just icing on the cake, I was pathetic without the tears so I should just add those in too. Gasping for breath hurt my aching lungs more, I'd just spent over an hour being unable to breathe easily but my lungs choked on my tears and focusing on breathing was just a little too much at the moment.

It was like being trapped in my brain and body for only a few minutes but when I looked up at my clock, not too long after the tears had stopped, I discovered it had been well over 2 hours. Trying to sit up to go into the bathroom ended in me putting too much weight on my wrist and a pain that shot up my spine- I stilled my movement, I wanted a shower and I wanted to cut but I felt physically unable. Too bad, I mumbled to myself, pushing myself up I found clothes and limped to the bathroom, not bothering to look up at Xemnas who was sprawled out on the couch- I could feel him watching me but I kept my eyes towards the bathroom.

I didn't bother to look in the mirror, I grabbed my razor and threw it into the tub, and started the water, I started it freezing and then climbed in, but when it became too cold I turned on the hot, I sat in the tub and enjoyed the water hitting my shins and knees while I looked at my razor- I didn't care to stare at it because I honestly just wanted to be done with all of it and sleep.

As I pressed the razor against my leg, pushing the tip deep into my leg- it wasn't cutting my leg or anything, just pushing into the skin, but it hurt. Which was strange. It almost never hurt when I pushed the blade into my skin- I never felt it till I had already cut myself a few times, but it felt uncomfortable and even though it felt highly more sensitive than it normally did I quickly pulled the blade. But the pain was better connected to my arm than my intents were- usually the cut is inches long, but this one wasn't even two- but man did it hurt. Cutting just wasn't helping me- not even a full cut and my leg hurt and everything hurt just as much, so I sat the razor down and enjoyed the massage of the water instead- my body was too sensitive or something because cutting wasn't helping me- and it always did.

Looking at my wrist there was something not right with it- I could still bend my fingers and thumb so it wasn't too bad, but it hurt and well… it felt like it was broken, it was definitely swollen enough to look it. When the barely warm water turned freezing cold I had enough and climbed out, finding my way back to my room, I looked over to see Xemnas laying on the couch with the TV on- he was passed out, I blocked my door and crawled into bed, my wet hair sticking to my face but it was cold and felt nice. I slept- the bruise that covered half my face hurt at the weakest of touches- it hurt when I even moved my eye to the look around, I decided I would sleep it off.

Staying in bed was my best bed I decided, it was around 11 in the morning when there was knocking on the front door, I heard Xemnas get up and answer it, and it turns out it was Axel. "Hello… is Roxas here?" he asked politely- always trying to sound like he had manners or something, "No," there was a thud and I figured Xemnas had tried to slam the door shut but Axel stopped him, "When will he be back?" but I never heard Xemnas' answer, I could hear that they were still talking but they were talking too low for me to hear. And then the door shut and I could hear Axel walking down the stairs, I wanted to see him- he wasn't supposed to leave. Rolling out of my bed I stood by my window, cranking it open as far as it would go, he looked up once he was a few feet from the door at the bottom of the stairs, we looked at each other for a few minutes.

He continued to look at me and it was like we had a silent conversation and we both understood, I waved goodbye and he continued to look at me, moving away from my window I stood just out of sight and a few seconds later I heard the gravel crunch under his feet as he walked away. And do you know what I did- went to sleep after another shower, but no cutting because again it just hurt too much to.

Monday morning I got ready for school like always- and I realized, I hadn't seen my mother much, I wondered if she ran off again, but I dropped that as I hit my wrist- it figures, the one time my wrist is severely hurt was the one time I managed to hit it off _everything_. I didn't bother with a long sleeve shirt but rather just threw on a hoodie over my beater, my ribs ached every time I moved my arm too much or my shoulders, not to mention Xemnas decided to light a cigarette when he was in my room and I was still fighting him even though I was stuck on my bed and he ended up dropping the cigarette against my side- effectively putting a hole in my shirt and giving me a burn.

I saw Axel coming up to the house held my finger up, telling him one minute, and finished getting ready and met him downstairs. Looking over I found Xemnas passed out on the couch still, I quietly opened the door and walked out, managing to bump my wrist _again_. Going down the stairs was a little difficult because every jolt when my feet hit the next step going down managed to in turn jolt my ribs so I had to slowly go down the steps. "I came by yesterday," Axel said when I opened the stairway door, nodding my head, "Yeah I know…"

"What happened to your face?" he reached out to touch the bruise that covered well over half my face but I flinched away, "Me and Xemnas got into it again the other day," "Are you okay?" we began walking the usual way to school, "Yeah, I'm fine," I grumbled, still tired, "I think I might have messed up my wrist though and my rib hurts like a bitch," I looked at my wrist even though it was covered, Axel started talking, "Do you think it's broken?" I shrugged my shoulder, "I'm not going to a hospital to find out," "Can I see?" I didn't bother to look at him- my wrist was healing nicely from his saltwater torture and I hadn't cut it since so I stopped and faced him pulling my sleeve up a bit so he could see it.

There was dark purple bruising all around it with a bright pink and a bit of a nasty yellow, but the worst part was the fact that it was so swollen, "I think this is broken Rox- we should get this check out," I was instantly shaking my head, "No, because you know what they're going to say when they see cuts on my wrist- they're going to lock me up in some loony bin and I won't ever get out." "Rox they won't do that- besides, it cost money to lock you up in a 'loony bin', if they comment about it I can just say that you're in therapy for it or something, we should get it checked out," "No," "What if it's broken and it's not setting right? If it gets infected or something or if it heals wrong then it could mess it up- let's just get it checked out… and you said your ribs hurt?" nodding my head to the last part, I was a little hesitant, "Ax- I don't have any money to go to some hospital," "Come on, we'll go to the out patients part of it- it won't cost much and I'll pay for it, okay?"

"If they say anything about the cuts then I'm leaving, I don't care," he nodded his head, "Okay, okay- I'll take care of that part, just get some x-rays done." We turned onto a different street and walked to the hospital- which wasn't all that far away, gotta love living in the city. Axel filled out the sheet once we got there and a few minutes later I was called back and we went in sat in some waiting room, just the two of us, I sat on the hospital bed and he sat in the chair, some blond haired doctor came in and started asking me questions, "So how did this happen?" he asked after he told us his name was Doctor Vexen.

"Got jumped…" I lied, I would've said I got in a fight but he could probably tell that I didn't because my fists were unmarked, "Would you like to press chargers?" instantly I shook my head, so he continued on with the questions, setting his clipboard beside me, "Can you make a fist," I did as he told and then he told me to lie down so he could look at my rib. Of course there was a dark bruise that covered my whole rib but what really hurt was when he pushed against the rib edges and asked if it hurt. Obviously he wasn't good with facial expressions because it hurt like a bitch.

He told me I could sit up and that he'd send someone in to take me to the X-ray room, and just like he said some guy came in and took me to the X-ray room, I had to hold my wrist at different angles for a few different pictures, he told me I could take the vest thing off my lap- seeing as how I was sitting at a table with my wrist on this board thing.

He told me to come over to him an Axel and he pointed to the screen, showing all these different little bubble like things that I knew where my bones in my wrist, he pointed to one of the small bones, "See this?" he started, we nodded our heads, "This means it's fractured- it's a clean so it should heal just fine- it's also sprained, now we have to do a few for your rib," he walked me into another room. Axel helped me take off my hoodie but I was allowed to leave my beater on, the x-ray guy had me stand in front of this board and so my nose was touching it, he told me to hold still and he took the x-ray, he then had me turn sideways and put my hands behind my head he clicked another x-ray.

When he was done he told me to come look at it again and again I didn't see anything, "The good news is it's not fractured or broken, which means it's just severely bruised, you can go back to the room now and the Doctor will come down with a splint for your wrist," Axel helped me get my hoodie on and we sat in the room. I was pissed that I had to show my scars and cuts to people I didn't know but it wasn't really an option and I didn't want to refuse to show them and make it a big deal but I was happy that they hadn't said anything about any of them.

Doctor Vexen came back with a black splint, it only covered the inside part of my wrist and hand while the other half just had Velcro over the top, I set my wrist in it, my thumb sliding into the built in hard part and the doctor tightly did the Velcro and handed me paper with what to do for my wrist and my rib, he asked if I wanted pain killers and I instantly told him no. While I didn't want the pain I hated taking prescribed drugs and it's not like I had money to buy the pain killers, "If it hurts a simple Tylenol should help," and we were walking out. He said nothing about the cuts and I was happy for that.

By the time we finally got out of there we had been there for almost a complete hour, "Have you eaten since you've been home?" "I had Ho-ho's yesterday," I offered, looking up at him, "Let's go get some breakfast then," "You need to stop spending so much money on me- how do you even get money?" "What does it matter?" "It matters because you've spent over a hundred bucks on me since I've known you- and I don't have a job to pay you back," he smiled, gently putting his arm over my shoulders, "You don't have to pay me back, if I didn't have the money to splurge on you then I wouldn't be spending it, if I didn't spend it on you then it'd just be sitting around and probably get stolen," "So how do you keep getting the money?" he became quiet after that, "It's a long story…"

"We got time, you can tell me while we eat- besides… you know pretty much everything about me and I know almost nothing about you…" it was sad just how true that was. "Alright…" he said after a few minutes, we went to Denny's and Axel ordered our food once we picked everything out, "Why do you always order finger food?" he asked me, I looked up at him, shrugging my shoulders, "It's easier to eat I guess…" I know at my house with my mom we always ate finger food because we almost never had any silverware or dishes- but I wasn't about to ruin Axel's mood more than I already was.

"So- about your _top-secret_ ways of just _growing_ money, is now an okay to start talking?" I didn't want to seem like a pressuring bitch and I didn't want him to close up on me because I wanted him to know so I tried to force humor into my voice. He smirked and gave a light chuckle, "It's not top _secret_," he stirred the drink that was set down in front of him, "It's just," he paused for a second to think, "When I tell people they always have one of two reactions," I looked at him questionably, "They either think _it's so cool_ or they don't like me for it…" he was making it seem so bad and it was slightly scaring me, "Ax..." he nodded his head, "Yeah, umm… well, you know how I was telling you about my dad?"

Slowly I nodded my head, so he continued, "And you know how I said he had a lot of problems? Yeah, well… those problems he has allows him to get a bunch of pills from his doctor- but he was never one to take them so he… well, he always just sells them for real expensive prices…" slowly I was nodding my head, "So how do you get money?" "He's always felt bad I guess," he leaned back, "About not being around- my mother guilt tripped him enough, so he always gives me a bunch in child support… not to mention his whole family is sweating dollars." We sat in silence while I took in all the information.

"Why do people act weird about that?" he shrugged his shoulders, "Because my dad's a born rich druggie- people either think that's cool so they can get drugs or they think it's stupid and don't like me or my father because of the drug use." Again I was nodding my head, "I guess that makes sense…" he looked at me expectantly, "What do you think about it?" I shrugged my shoulders after a few seconds, "It doesn't really change my opinion about you… I'm not going to hate you for who your father is- I mean, you don't hate me for who my mother is, do you?" when he shook his head I continued, "It's just an answer to a question- it doesn't change my opinion or anything…" he nodded his head as the food was set down in front of us.

"So…" I started, "How much does he give you?" "He's _supposed_ to give me 50 bucks a week but he gives me anywhere from there to a hundred." "Holy shit…" I couldn't help but gape at him, which is a lot of money for not working. We sat in silence as Axel began eating and I began picking at my food, which was a little difficult because I was used to using both my hands and now I was left using only one, but once the food was gone- well, all that I could fit in my stomach at the time being I looked up at Axel and couldn't get the stupid grin off my face. Standing up I grabbed the box of my food that I hadn't managed to eat and we walked out of the restaurant, I was still smiling.

"What're you so smiley about?" he asked, "I know something more about you," I teased and he smirked with a light laugh as he threw his arm gently over my shoulders. Hopefully I would know as much about Axel as he knew about me.

_**Oh muh gosh- so many reviews :DDD I'm not going to lie- I kinda feel awesome xD**_

_**Sorry it took so long to get this up- I've been adding to it a little here and a little there but now it be Friday and no school till Monday- which is the last day :D**_

**_Okay, back to the me feeling special thing- I went to the store annnndddd I think the guy that was doing the bagging was hitting on me o.o ... that's a first xD But he was cute- not oh my gawd I want to have your babies but more of the awwww you're adorable. Turns out my mother knows him and blah blah blah he's a year older than me. Made me feel like a woman and I don't know how I feel about that xD _**

**_Also! Could you guys do me a huge favor- read my depressing story called The Haunting? Because the summary doesn't explain much it's about Axel and Roxas being together and tragedy strikes and well, someone dies and someone gets left behind._**

**_I've said it before but I'll say it again- Thanks for all the reviews and words :D And feel free to leave a not so positive review if you don't like because I'll... notice... it xD_**

**_Uploaded: May 31, 2013 _**


	16. Chapter 16: Another Reason

It was weird. It was like everyone at school _understood_ what was happening because they never questioned why Axel and I showed up late or left early and they acted like it was completely acceptable- like we had a valid excuse. The day was alright, nothing spectacular happened but nothing bad either, and again we reached the end of the school day, "Hey Roxy," Axel said as he threw he arm over my shoulder, still being careful of my ribs, I rolled my eyes at his nickname but continued to walk with him out of the school, "Wanna hang out?" he asked and I paused to think, I hadn't spoken to Rikku in a while and I knew she would think about coming over soon if she didn't hear from me- I guess the only reason she didn't come over now was because our mom told her not to come over and that she didn't want Rikku in _our_ house (she said it right after Rikku told her of Keyakku's idea that my sister agreed to).

"I don't know," "Why not?" he asked, and I couldn't really give him an answer because I knew he wouldn't rat on me to my sister so it'd be fine if he went with me and I hated going back to the apartment so I don't know why I kept telling him no. "I have to go talk to my sister for a little," I offered and he nodded his head, "Off to your sister's we go," he had a smile on his face which slowly dropped off his face as we began walking, "Are you going to tell your sister?" looking up at him I didn't completely understand what he was saying, "I'm going to tell her that things are okay," I looked back ahead, "And I'm going to tell her there's nothing to worry about and that I've got everything under control…"

"You're going to lie to her?" "I'm not lying… I have everything under control so there's no reason for her to worry and they are okay," "How are they anywhere close to _okay_? I just took you to the hospital for a fractured wrist and bruised rib?" there was a silence because honestly his tone made me not want to talk to him, after a few more steps I started talking anyway, "We still have a place- the same place… she's still around… I'm still in school… I'm not dead or hospitalized- so in other words everything's okay- it could be a lot worse Ax…" he let out a sigh, "If this keeps up it's going to be," he mumbled.

The rest of the walk was in complete quiet, my sister's car was parked out front but I didn't see Keyakku's so I assumed he was still at work. Knocking a few times before I paused and opened the door to walk in, finding my sister on her way walking to the door from the kitchen, "Hi Roxas!" she smiled as she wiped her hands off on her light blue jeans, "Hey," she tipped her head towards the kitchen before walking away, Axel and I followed her. "How's school?" she asked while she started washing the dishes again, "Same as it was last time you asked," I leaned against the counter and gently crossed my arms, making sure to hide my splint in the sleeve of my hoodie.

"Do you have anything to drink?" she nodded her head and pointed to the fridge, when I opened it I could help but raise an eyebrow, "What's with all the eggs?" "You know I like eggs," was her response, the fridge looked so weird, it was full of eggs and vegetables and fruits- not entirely but that was all I saw at first, "Whatever happened to just eating ramen?" "I should probably do without the salt for the next few months," she chuckled and I grabbed a bottle of water, offering one to Axel but he shook his head.

"So…" my sister dried her hands off again as she turned around, "How's living with mom going?" "Eh, it's okay," I didn't want to say too much good stuff because then she would know I was bullshitting her. "How's mom been acting?" "She's tired a lot… she got a job at that market store down the street from us…" "Yeah, I remember you telling me about that," she jumped up to sit on the counter, "She's just tired?" "Well, I guess- by the time she gets home all she wants to do is sit on the couch and watch movies…" "She hasn't started… you know… drinking or anything again… has she?"

And I felt like an asshole- because I used what my mother said, "She's had a little- but it's not that big a deal, normal people drink, if she didn't I think I'd be concerned," my sister hesitantly nodded her head while looking off at the ground, she was thinking intensely about something but she wasn't saying anything. She then looked up at Axel like she wasn't sure if she should say anything because he was in the room so I spoke up, "Everything's going fine Rikku… there's nothing to worry about, okay?" she nodded her head and then she told us she had to go pick up Keyakku at work because his car broke down a day or two ago. And she ended up giving us a ride to the apartment, "Wanna ride?"

"No, that's okay, we can walk," "Oh come on Rox, it's on the way, hop in," I didn't want to tell her I didn't want to go back- at least not right yet, and I didn't want to lie any more than I already was, so we got in her car and she dropped us off outside. "Thanks for the ride Rikku," "No problem," she smiled, and leaned over the now empty passenger seat so she could look at me, "Don't be afraid to tell me if something's going wrong, okay?" I nodded my head and before I could walk a little further towards the apartment she called me back, "Rox!" turning around I looked at her, "Keyakku and I have something we want to talk to you about tomorrow, so drop by after school, okay?" she had a huge smile on her face which was the only thing keeping me from freaking out, "Alright, see you then," she waved as she drove off.

"What do you think she wants to talk to you about?" he asked as he followed me up the stairs, I shrugged my shoulders, "I have no idea, but it doesn't seem like she was really upset about anything so it can't be that bad," he nodded his head, pausing for a breath I slowly opened the door, trying to walk in causally I looked behind the door but didn't see Xemnas sleeping on the couch so I took that as a good sign. "Come on," I waved him to my room, he was ahead of me because I had stayed to shut the door behind him, as soon as I started walking towards my bedroom door I felt arms wrap around my shoulders and neck- squeezing.

My hands flew up to pull at the arms but then I heard the voice, "Roxas! I'm so happy you're back, come on," she spun me around, "Let's go out to eat," I saw her face, her eyes were wide, her face lathered in makeup so no one could see the bags under her eyes or the paleness of her complexion. "Huh- uh, um, bu… but Axel's over," I stumbled over my words, not sure what to say because I didn't want to piss her off. "Great! He can come with us too, here," she grabbed the strap on my backpack and pulled if off my shoulders to drop it to the ground, "Let's head out," she opened the door and practically pushed me out the door, Axel was pushed just the same and then we were told to rush down the stairs because my mother was so hyper.

"You seem in a really good mood," Axel commented, my mother nodded her head as we sat in her car, she put her hand on the back of my seat so she could turn around and look out the back window while she was backing up. "That's because I am," she started driving, burning out a little in the process, "And since I now have the money I figured I'd take my favorite son out to get some fatty, clog-your-arteries, delicious food," she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face, and I couldn't help but force a smile back. I was a little confused but she seemed happy so I wasn't going to fuck that up.

We ended up pulling into this fancy kind of look place- I'd never heard of it and I didn't even bother to look at what it was called, my mom ushered us in and soon we were sitting in a booth with menu's in front of us. She was still smiling, I felt Axel's eyes on me so I returned the look for a second before I realized he wasn't questioning what was happening- it was more like he was watching me to see how I was reacting to all of this. "I think I'm going to get a steak," my mother grinned, "And I'll walk away 20 pound heavier but Xemnas can shove it for all I care," she smiled and asked what I was going to get, "I don't know yet…" I replied, I was that kid that only looked at the pictures in the menu's and this menu had almost none.

"Umm… I guess I'll just get fries," I always fall back on the fries because no place can do them wrong, "That's it, really?" she asked and raised an eyebrow, I saw Axel point at something on my menu and noticed it was basically chicken tenders, "And I guess the chicken… things…" my mother nodded her head and then looked at Axel. "Me?" he asked, "I'll have a hamburger," he shrugged his shoulders and I could tell he was probably a little off but was trying to seem comfortable. When we repeated our orders for the waiter- Axel and I decided to share one thing of fries, and my mother smirked as the girl walked off, "God Axel, you're a fat ass just like my son," she was laughing and I saw Axel nod his head and weakly laugh with her.

When the food came I realized I had to actually have the cuffs of my hoodie on my wrists instead of covering my hands, my mother noticed the black splint on my hand and felt the need to question it, "What's that for?" my heart skipped a beat in panic, "Oh, um… well, my wrist is sprained and fractured," "How'd that happen?" she asked around a bite of food, "I fell on it…" my mother snorted, "Did Xemnas do it?" slowly I nodded my head, "What'd you do?" I couldn't lie to my mother because she'd end up finding out from him anyway- and it was nothing I was ashamed about, "He doesn't like Axel… so he got mad that I hung out with him," I could feel Axel's eyes widen and stare at me but I didn't look at him, but instead chewed on a little piece of chicken.

My mother chuckled and shook her head, "He needs to shut the fuck up and piss off- God, he knows I like your friend, Axel," she looked at him, "You are always welcomed around Roxas," she looked back at me, "Just ignore what Xemnas says," "That's what I always do…" I mumbled, my mother stopped moving and I realized that I shouldn't've said that, I didn't want to risk looking up at her and I didn't want to fuck with her mood, before I could try and save my mother's mood she sat her knife down.

She was laughing and reaching for her drink, "Damn right!" she took a sip, "You're my son- you don't need to listen to that fucked up dead beat loser- Hell," she set her glass down, "I think Axel should stay the night just so we can rub it in Xemnas' face," I looked over at Axel and he paused for a second before shaking his head a small smile on his face, "Sounds like a good plan," he looked over at me as a smile played on my own lips.

"So let's see," my mother started, "What stories can I tell to embarrass Roxas in front of his friend?" she looked up like she was thinking intently before she finally began speaking, "Oh, how about the time when you were little," oh no, "I told Roxas I had a job interview so I needed energy for the next day- his sister would always tell him fruit juice gave you energy because he didn't like to drink it, so," she started laughing, "He sat up half the night squeezing a full thing of grapes he stole from the neighbors into an empty soda bottle so I'd have _fresh juice_ for my job interview," my mother was laughing and she succeeded because now I was blushing, I looked down at my lap as I heard Axel chuckle, "It was the funniest thing ever," my mother continued.

"Hey," I started, "I was just trying to be nice and help," my mother laughed a little more, "Oh honey I know you were trying to help but you made such a mess- and then I got in that fight about the grapes with the neighbors," she laughed a little harder, "They were so pissed about their stupid grapes," she bowed her head as she kept laughing and I felt Axel put his arm around my shoulders, "Roxas- you used to be so sweet, what happened?" I glared at him and stuck my tongue out he only laughed more and hugged me a little closer to him.

We didn't stay there much longer after that, but as we walked out the front door my mother put her hand on my shoulder, I turned back to look at her and saw her face was completely serious, "Your sister keeps checking up on you…" I slowly nodded my head even though it wasn't a question, she paused for a second before saying, "Glad you're giving me more chances then she ever did," before I could say anything to defend my sister my mother was walking away and already getting in the car, after a few seconds I followed and we headed to the apartment.

As we walked in our house I wondered what my mother was going to say to Xemnas, he was sitting at the table drinking some sort of liquor, "What the Hell'd you do to my son?" my mother automatically started yelling, I was glad Axel was right there otherwise I'd probably be scared for my life. Xemnas looked up at my mother and then at me, and then at Axel, "I _told _him not to hang out with that little fucker," I could tell Axel didn't like being called that. "_I_ happen to like his friend- and why the hell are you touching my son?" oh how I wished she was meaning what she wouldn't admit to- Xemnas' face scrunched up in anger, "I've never fucking touched your son," "Bullshit! His wrist's broken- er fractured or what the fuck ever," she slammed her hand on the table, "Don't fucking touch _my_ son, you lay a finger on him again while I'm not around and I'll have you beaten so badly you won't be able to even fucking lift that finger."

Xemnas was grinding his teeth and I could feel his glare burning a hole through me, "Roxas," my mother turned around, anger still in her voice, "Go to bed," nodding my head I turned and walked to my room, Axel following me, as we got in my room I could hear something glass smashing against a wall and floor and even more yelling, I froze in my place, wanting to turn back and make sure my mother was okay, but Axel gently pushed me further into my room and shut the door behind him. It wasn't even 8 o'clock- neither of us was tired and even if we were we wouldn't be able to sleep, they continued arguing.

Axel sat next to me on my bed, he had tried to talk to me but was cut off when there was another smash of glass, chewed on my lip and looked out the window, I wanted so bad to go out there- at least to make sure my mother was okay. But I didn't want to get dragged into it, I didn't want to make it worse and I didn't want to bring Axel into it, if Xemnas hurt her then I wouldn't be able to do anything except get hurt myself, I wanted to protect her but I already knew I was too weak to. They were fighting about me because I could hear my name pop up every once and a while, and I hated that it was my fault said fighting was occurring. I quickly and a little harshly ripped the Velcro loose on the splint and weakly threw the black thing at the wall, leaning over to lay on my stomach- my fractured wrist underneath me, "You can go home if you want," I mumbled before my face hit the pillow.

It was the stupid splints fault- if I hadn't been wearing it- no, if I hadn't gone to the hospital… if I hadn't put up that fight with Xemnas then my wrist wouldn't have been bent under me like it was and they wouldn't be having this fight right now and it really could've been the perfect day. It was my own stupid fault. I didn't want to cut because Axel was here- so the pain I was putting myself in by laying like I was- was how I got the distraction of pain. The bed moved like Axel stood up and then my shoulder was gently shaken, "Rox," another shout from the other room, "You have to wear the brace or it won't heal right," I shook my head, hearing my yelling from Xemnas how it was my own fault because- basically- I was so incompetent.

The bed shook a whole lot and then I felt something next to my leg, hands grabbed my shoulders, and then the same thing against my other leg, and something else against my back. "Let's put the brace back on," Axel was sitting behind me, with his legs on either side of me, and he was pulled my sleeve up so he could put the splint back on, I bit the inside of my lip- fearing that the loud thud I just heard was my mother being thrown against the floor or wall- I couldn't hide how my body jumped, Xemnas' voice was bellowing and cracking and hating me with every breath. Bringing my uninjured hand up to my eyes I rubbed away the wetness and took a deep breath in hopes of slowing my heart rate, but they were still screaming and breaking things.

Axel reached into his pocket while his other hand wrapped around my shoulders, he pulled out an mp3 player and head phones, he unraveled the headphones, the small buds landed against my stomach and chest, and he set the music player down and picked up the buds, placing them in each of my own ears. My body jumped as something was slammed against my wall, and I attempted to sit up- to curl up or hide away but Axel's arm stopped me, he quickly grabbed the music player and sound quickly boomed in my ears. Making me jump from the suddenness and flinch at every heavy hit on the drums, the song was contributing to my hearing loss but it was welcomed, it buzzed through my head silencing even my own breathing to me.

Arms wrapped around my front and I easily curled into them, I could feel every slam even though it wasn't in my room, only when the rock song was over was I able to hear that they were indeed still shouting but a new song quickly started. When the second song ended I couldn't hear any form of fighting, I tensed up a little, looking up at Axel but his eyes were shut and I realized just how selfish I was being. He let me have his music to block out their fighting but he could still hear all of it, pulling on the cord to get the ear buds out of my ears Axel opened his eyes to sliver's, his eyebrows drawn down as he frowned, even from my angle on my side I could see he was upset, I tried to sit up but he didn't loosen his hold for me to, "Are you okay?" my voice was hushed and I watched as Axel's face stayed the same as he nodded his head, "Let's… go to sleep…" I paused his mp3 and used the headphone cord to set it on the ground, Axel looked like he was in pain and I hated that I did nothing to help that.

He laid down on his back, a sliver of green stared at the dark ceiling, I was still sitting up though, "Ax… what's wrong?" he didn't look at me but I could tell he was clearly upset, I gave him a hug as best I could with my sore arm, "It's okay," I said in the softest voice I could, the balance I had to hold myself over him was lost when Axel pulled me down, my head rested on his shoulder while my sore arm went across his chest and my hand rested in the space above his shoulder and next to his neck. Looking at him in surprise he continued to stare, "Go to sleep Roxas…" I wanted to but I felt like I had fucked up, "I'm sorry…" I turned my face into his shoulder, his arm was wrapped around me from where he had pulled me down while his other hand was holding my elbow that rested on his chest.

"I didn't think… that they would fight…" his face still didn't change, "Thank you…" I finally said, he still didn't say anything but I continued, "For the music trick… for being here… being around…" "Rox," I noticed the small smile at the corner of his lips, "We should go to sleep now," slowly I nodded my head, waiting for him to let go so I could move but he didn't.

Cue alarm, the stupid radio started blaring, waking me from the best night of sleep I'd gotten since I stayed at Axel's house- which I know wasn't very long ago, but it feels like that when there's never any sleep involved in the meantime. "Time to get up," I mumbled in Axel's ear, I hadn't moved at all while I slept and I was pretty sure he hadn't either, he grumbled but otherwise made no sign that he was going to get up. I pulled my knee up so I could move to sit up but as my upper half started to pull away from Axel he pulled me back down, hitting my bruised ribs against his boney ones, "Ax," I whined, "That hurt and we gotta get up," he shook his head but he was rolling onto his side, his face was right next to mine and I thought maybe he would be getting up now but instead he threw his arm over me and just held me to him like I was a stuffed animal.

"Ax- we gotta get up or we'll be late for school," he groaned, "Mmmm… that's too bad…" and then he was quiet again. "Ax?" he didn't say anything, or even acknowledge I said anything, "Ax," I whined, shaking his shoulder but he only grunted, "We gotta get up…" in all honesty- I didn't want to move, I didn't want to get up and I certainly didn't want to leave the warmth of Axel's arms, but I didn't want to be the one responsible for us not getting to school. "Come on…" my voice was a little quiet because I'd rather us be late than have Axel snap at me and I wasn't really sure how much of an early morning person Axel was.

"Rox," he groaned, "It's too early," he pulled me closer again like I was a teddy bear, "It's a school day…" he took a deep breath and sighed, "The schools not going anywhere," he yawned, "We can go later- sleep now," "But," "Sleep… now…" his hand moved up and gently pushed my head so my head was against the pillow, so I guess that was the end of that conversation. After a few seconds I relaxed and just like that I was back in dream land.

"Come on, up we go," I heard as something grabbed my shoulders and moved me so I was sitting up, I grumbled and allowed my eyes to open a bit, "Huh?" "We should probably head out now," I looked up to see Axel holding me sitting up, trying to wake me up. "Awww… I wanna go back to sleep…" I tried to fall back into the bed but Axel didn't let me. After almost an hour of him trying and me resisting we were both standing up and then getting ready, we were walking out the door and heading off to school.

"What time is it?" even though I was yawning Axel still understood me, "It's almost 12," my eyes widened a bit, "I thought it was, like… 9- at latest," he chuckled, "Nope, only two more hours in the school day," and those two hours flew by, again no one questioned why were late and no one acted like it was different. "You off to your sisters?" shaking my head as we walked out of the school Axel told me he'd see me in school tomorrow and we went our separate ways.

I was nervous as fuck- not gonna lie, my sister and Keyakku wanted to have a conversation with _me_ and I could tell my sister didn't want Axel to be there because she wanted it to be a private conversation or something- I could just tell. Knocking before letting myself in I found Keyakku walking towards the door, a smile spread on his face once he saw me, "Hey Rox," he waved me, "Have a seat, I'll go tell Rikku you're here," nervously I sat in the chair, Rikku and Keyakku came out after a few minutes and sat on the couch.

"How's your day going so far?" she asked as she sat down, and I noticed that she was sitting down a bit slowly but I think it was just my eyes playing with me, "Good…" she nodded her head, "Listen… Rox…" my sister started, she folded her legs under her while holding Keyakku's hand, "I know you want to protect mom… but how's it going- living with her?" was this really what all this was about?

"I told you yesterday Rikku, it's fine…" when I saw her face I realized that probably wasn't what she wanted to talk about, I pulled my sleeve down a little more to hide the splint even more, "Why do you keep asking?" my voice was purely curious. "Well…" my sister looked to Keyakku and then back at me, "We've been thinking of a time to tell you… we figured we tell you as soon as it happened… but then the problems with Xemnas happened and when you move in with us we didn't want to stress you out more… and then Keyakku was away… and… just the time hasn't been right…"

"What did you want to tell me?" my voice shook a little because I was trying not to freak out, my sister looked back at Keyakku and then at me, "We're going to be having a baby soon," my eyes widened but I didn't say anything, "The baby should be here just after Halloween," she looked down at her stomach and I realized then that she had been wearing knitted sweaters and baggy shirts, she was always really skinny so she didn't look like she was pregnant at all right now. She was going to have a baby- I was going to have a niece or a nephew, "We want you to be in the baby's life- like a brother… Rox," Keyakku said, and after a few more seconds of my surprised face I couldn't help but smile, I would do everything I could to help in this new life from the moment it's born.

_**Tis a new chapter! :D**_

_**I feel like there was something I was going to put in this author's note but~ I have no idea what it was... **_

_**So, thanks for the reviews- again, and thanks for reading :3**_

_**Uploaded: June 3, 2013**_


	17. Chapter 17: Another Initiation

After a few hours of talking about the baby, I learned that: They wanted the gender to be a surprise, the baby was going to be born anytime now, they had known before I moved in with them but they never got the chance to surprise me, and that I wasn't allowed to tell mom. The last one I didn't quite understand- it was mom's grand baby but then again… it kind of made sense, I didn't want her to hurt the baby. Also, when Rikku had told me that Keyakku's car had broken down- they actually sold it, because it was worth a lot more than Rikku's, and used the money to start saving up for things for the baby.

"I was wondering if you'd be up for watching the baby?" my sister asked me, and I wanted to say, "Of course, yes," but instead I said, "I don't know to take care of a baby…" which was the truth, my sister only softly smiled, "That's okay, I'll have a few weeks off after the baby's born, I can show you how- and if you really don't feel like you can handle it you can always call one of us," slowly I nodded my head which made my sister smile. I didn't know the first thing to do when it came to taking care of babies- my sister practically raised me even though she's only eight years older than me… but my mother's always acted the same so it makes sense.

I didn't stay too long after that, and part of the reason was because of the subject they now wanted to talk about. "So everything's going good at mom's house?" my sister asked, I didn't give her a real answer but nodded my head instead, both her and Keyakku began to ask me questions about it- telling me that if I was going to move back in with them that I should before it gets to hectic with the baby around, My answers were short and not exactly true but I still waited till they offered me a ride to my mom's- which I denied and told them that instead I was going to go talk to Axel and then I practically ran to Axel's house- wanting to tell him the news, I was so excited I didn't even think about who would answer the door.

"Hello," a woman asked as she opened the front door, I opened my mouth to speak but the words froze in my mouth, she started talking instead, "Roxas," she smiled, "You here to see Axel?" quickly I nodded my head, she opened the front door all the way, "He's not here right yet but he's on his way so he should only be a few minutes, do you want to wait for him?" again I nodded my head.

She said she'd text him and tell him I was waiting for him, and then she told me I could go wait up in his room. It didn't feel weird at all to be in Axel's room by myself- which made the whole thing weird, Watching out the window even though I knew I probably wouldn't be able to catch Axel walking to the house, I waited, and just like I thought- I couldn't see him because a few minutes later he was walking into the room. "Hey Roxas," he had a pleasant smile on his face and I couldn't help but smile at the news I wanted to tell him, "Guess what?" I didn't bother with a greeting but he didn't seem offended, "What?" he shut the door behind him and moved to sit on his bed, "Rikku's pregnant," I didn't know if it was a good thing I was going around telling people but I only wanted to tell Axel and I knew that'd be okay with Rikku.

His eyes widened a bit, "Really?" just like when I was talking to his foster mom- I was nodding my head quickly, "Yupp, she said she's going to have the baby any day now," he raised an eyebrow at that, "How long has she been pregnant?" I smirked at that, "For the typical amount- she wanted to tell me when she found out… but with all the drama and problems she thought she'd wait… and now everything's going fine so she and Keyakku finally got around to telling me," Axel was quiet for a second and then nodded his head a smile on his face, "Congratulations, is it a boy or girl?" "They said they wanted to keep it a surprise, but they already have the two names picked out." again a smile and a nod.

"And," I jumped onto the bed, my knees pushing against the mattress, "Rikku wants me to babysit- her and Keyakku said they want me to be in the baby's life so Rikku wants me to take care of the baby when she and Keyakku aren't home," I was beyond happy. Even though Axel still had a little bit of a smile on his face I could tell he was concerned, "Are you sure you're up for it?" "What, to watch the baby?" when he nodded I continued, "Yeah- I mean, Rikku's gonna have a lot of time off of work so she'll be there to teach me how to care for the baby," Axel picked up right after I stopped talking, "How often are you gonna watch it?" There was still a smile on my face as I answered, "Every day after school- Keyakku has the weekends off so I won't have to then but he said I can still come over if I want," I saw the worry in his eyes and couldn't help but asked, "What… you think it's a bad idea?"

Axel looked around the room for a few seconds like he didn't want to look at me before he spoke, "It's not that I think it's a bad idea- I just don't want you taking on more than you can handle, you know?" "And I can handle this," I quickly said back, he took a deep breath and looked up at me, "As long as you don't get in too deep over your head- then yeah, I think it's a good idea…" It was like he was worried about me or something. After a few minutes of silence I spoke up, "I think it's a good thing," he smiled and pulled me over to him by grabbing hold of my shoulders.

We laid on his bed, shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling, "Rikku doesn't want Mom to know…" I finally mumbled, he didn't look at me in shock like I expected him to but that made sense- he'd been around me enough to know that things were just like that. "Makes sense…" he mumbled, and I was the one to look over at him, I was hoping he'd say more than just that so I spoke up instead. "How long do you think she'll keep our mom in the dark? I mean… it's her grandchild… and she'll find out eventually…" when he didn't answer right away I continued, "I don't know if she's just waiting till the baby's born or if she means to keep this from Mom for as long as she can…" even though I was on edge I could tell Axel wasn't- he seemed relaxed when he spoke, "I don't know… it's not up to you to tell her so don't worry about it."

A slight pause caused silence to fill the room before he spoke again, "Do you want your mother around your niece or nephew?" he asked but I didn't understand what he was asking so he clarified, "After that screaming match she had with Xemnas last night… do you think that's best to have a child around?" Shaking my head I looked down at my splint, and again the room was full of silence till I spoke, "She's always been like that… most the times it's not over something so stupid…" I watched Axel's back as he stood up, he didn't look back at me though till a few seconds later when he spoke, "Do you think that's stupid?"

His hand reached across me and gently tapped the black splint, I realized what I said probably wasn't the smartest so I tried to fix it, "That's not what I meant… I meant… I don't know," sitting up and sliding back so I could leaning against the wall I continued, "It's not like it's that big a deal- and either way, it's not like Xemnas stood over me and was trying to break my wrist," Axel brought his leg up on the bed so he could turn and face me better before he spoke, "Well how was it like then because it seems like it's his fault to me," I didn't understand why he was suddenly angry, "I'm not saying it isn't his fault… I don't know… we were fighting and I was trying to run away and my hands were trapped behind my back- he flipped me over and my wrist just bent the wrong way."

He stayed quiet for a long time while I stared at the splint, "Was he…" he finally said out of nowhere, stopping midsentence before changing it up and continuing, "Did he hurt you again?" his words were so blunt I wanted to flinch, but instead I chose to look off to the side- away from Axel. I really didn't want to have this conversation right now or really at any point, "And it's because he doesn't want me hanging around you?" again I stayed staring off to the side of the room when he asked me a question. "Can we… not talk about this?" slowly I asked, and Axel quiet replied, "Rox, it's not good to keep this all a secret, you need to talk to someone about it or your head's going to explode," he moved up on the bed so he was sitting with his shoulder touching mine again.

We sat in silence again, the night ran through my mind a few times, the pain still a tiny bit present- even now limiting my movements, "Still a virgin," I mumbled, rolling my eyes as I felt tears burning behind my cheeks, I made sure to face away from Axel so he couldn't full on see my watering eyes, "That's a good thing," I quietly added, Axel's hand moved and was now over top my own, our fingers interlocked, I was biting at the inside of my lip when Axel finally spoke. "Did you cut?" letting out a soft chuckle out of just pure awkwardness, I rolled my eyes to hide the tears again while weakly shaking my head, "Tried to- hurt too much," I was still weakly laughing, it hurt too much to cut myself, that sounded really messed up.

Turning my head to look down at our hands I listened as Axel spoke, "I believe you… but can I look at your wrist, your fractured one?" my eyes briefly met his before I nodded my head. He shifted me- again with the man handling- so my back leaned against his underarm and side rather than the wall, as he moved to un-Velcro the splint he paused, "How's your ribs doing?" I shrugged a shoulder, they still hurt if that's what he was asking, his hands left my wrist, "Can I see," taking a deep breath I slouched down a little more so I was more of laying rather than sitting and unzipped my hoodie, grabbing the hem of my beater and pulling it up, turned on my side a little so he could see the side of my rib where most of the bruising was.

"What's that from?" he asked, pointing to the small scab in between my rib and hip, I pulled down my beater- showing off the burn hole that resided there, "Xemnas burned me with his cigarette," Axel was quiet after I said that so I let my beater rest back where it had been, but I didn't bother to zip my hoodie back up. His hands were back on my hurt wrist, he gently pulled the sleeve of my hoodie down and gently undid the Velcro, "How's it feel?" his voice was deep and smooth like any other time and I wondered if it always sounded evenly pitched, "Fine… I can stand it as long as I don't move my fingers or anything…" he pretty much ignored my "Fine," part because he asked, "So it hurts?"

Slowly I nodded my head and his hands went to my shoulders- as if he was going to push me to sit up, "What're you doing?" I quietly asked, "Going to get you some Ibuprofen," "Don't," I quickly said, mumbling, "I'm comfy…" he gave a small and short chuckle but put his hands back down so they were off my shoulders. My wrist was swollen, not to mention bruised black and blue, the hollow ache that rotted deep in my bone was so annoyingly present that it was almost nerve-wracking, "Can I see your other wrist?" he held out one hand and just the way he asked I could tell he was asking so he could compare my wrists, I lazily nodded my head, not wanting us to bump heads when I knew his chin was leaned against me.

I held my wrist next to the fractured one as he pulled down the sleeve, all he could see was the back of my wrists because that was just how I had my arms facing, but he gently turned them around. My scars shined bright against the bruises, as did the slowly healing cuts, but what Axel pointed out had completely eluded me, "What's this?" he pointed to the inside of my un-fractured wrist, "A bruise…" from the handcuffs, I didn't even know they left a mark till he pointed it out, "From what?" his voice had that edge in it again, "It's all from the same thing…" he cut me off before I could stutter something else out, "Were your hands tied?" when I didn't give a fast enough answer he asked again so I answered him quickly- and I told him the truth, "No," but the little redhead poked and prodded and eventually I told him, "It's from handcuffs- can we just… not… talk about it?"

The hollowness was working into my emotions again and what was worse was the hollowness was making the aching in my wrist feel much,_ much_, worse. Breathing wasn't really my main concern but- had it been, I would've noticed that it was becoming fast and labored, "You okay?" he asked, the pain in the aching joint was getting stronger- because it liked to do that, a lot, and Axel staring at my wrist and my stupid idea to move my fingers didn't help, I quickly nodded my head, "Yeah," I started, "It just hurts…" and then he was sliding the splint back on and re-hooking the Velcro, and just as quickly he was gently forcing me to sit up on my own and when I looked back at him he was standing up and walking across the room.

He grabbed a water bottle that had been sitting on the shelf and held his hand out in front of me, "It's the only kind of pain killer I have- I know it puts you to sleep but it's better than it hurting," I looked down at the giant pill in his palm, I really didn't want to be sleepy but my wrist really was hurting and I knew it would take a few minutes for the pill to kick in and I really didn't want to wait any longer. Hesitantly I picked up the pill and took the water, drinking a little of it and sucking the pill into my mouth so it was swallowed with the liquid. Axel slid off his shoes and pulled the sleeve of my hoodie so my arm was pulled out of the warm fabric, "What're you doing?" I asked softly, he pulled on the other sleeve just as gently but being careful of the splint, his voice was quiet like my own, "Since that pills going to probably knock you out anyway, we might as well take a nap," that didn't really answer my question but it answered it enough I guess, we laid in his bed, me on the inside again, and time seemed to pass by but whether it did so fast or slow didn't much matter because I was out soon.

When I woke up- there wasn't any pain at least, so that's a good thing, there also wasn't an Axel. Rubbing my eyes I looked around his room from my horizontal angle, but I couldn't see him from there so I used my one good hand to help me sit up, even though I took the pain killers my side was rebelling and not really working for the better. Looking around the space at the end of the bed that I could now see because I was sitting up I found Axel wasn't in the room at all, I didn't know where he was and I was determined to go on a search for him but I was stuck staring at my arms. The inside of my arms stared up at me from their resting place on my lap, the word was scarring over now, along with all the other cuts, the letters didn't bulge out like I would've thought but rather instead indented like the skin had been gouged out and now a thin layer of flesh was just tented over the gash.

The door opened and my head shot over to look, my arms instantly turning over to hide the worst of the scars, "You're up," Axel said as he walked in, I nodded- I was going to say something but he was moving over to his closet so I decided just to watch him instead. "You can borrow my hoodie," he pulled out a black zip up hoodie that had plush white fleece inside, he held it out for me with his boney arm, his sleeves were rolled up and the loose bracelet he always wore had slid to rest against the wide part of his hand- the joint of his thumb the only thing keeping it from falling off, and I noticed something on his wrist. "What's that?" looking up at him as I asked I saw his eyebrows raise, eyes widen a bit, and a confused frown take his face before he spoke, "What's what?" "That?" gently I grabbed under his wrist with my fingertips and used my other hand to point at the thin shiny marks that lined the inside of his wrist, his surprised eyes closed a little and his face relaxed but the frown was still there, when he didn't answer I rephrased my question, "Did you used to cut?"

I wanted an answer and I wanted it as soon as I asked, his face was set hard as he kept eye contact with me- keeping that eye contact even as he spoke, "Yeah…" his voice was smooth and calm like it was early- but, again, there was a little bit of an edge to it. "Why didn't you tell me?" he didn't answer my question right away but instead gently moved his wrist out of my grasp and dropped the hoodie on my lap, he turned and started walking towards the door, "Hey," I moved- ignoring the alerts in my brain that told me this movement wouldn't be good for my injuries, he started to pull the door open but I slipped between him and the door, forcing the door to be shut once more.

Looking up at Axel I hoped he could _see_ that I was pleading with him, "Axel, why didn't you tell me?" I made my voice as soft as I could and I watched as he closed his eyes and kept them closed, he leaned forward so his forehead was against the door, I continued to stare at where his face once was- now just over his shoulder. "It's nothing you need to worry about Roxas," his voice sounded like he was tired, I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat so I could speak, "You don't… you don't still do it… do you?" he shook his head, I didn't know how to explain it but it felt like something was shot through my heart when I saw the scars and he confirmed what I was assuming, and it hurt. I wanted to ask him so many questions but instead I frozen, I wanted to know why he did it, I wanted to know why he would think it was a good idea, I wanted to know if he was okay, I wanted to know so much but most of all I just wanted to know he was over it and never thinking of it again because honestly- if he was cutting and I was just standing here… no, I couldn't do it, I'd go insane being so helpless and watching him hurt.

Even though all that was running through my head I couldn't ask it, Axel looked at me and it was as if he could read my mind and my emotions, he spoke before I could, "It happened a long time ago… there's nothing to worry about," I wanted him to promise me that he'd never do it again but I didn't want to somehow make it worse because I didn't know what to say or what to do, so instead I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and shoulders, holding him as best as I could even though he was still taller than me as I stood on my tippy toes. It was like my action surprised him or something because it took him a second to act to the gesture, slowly his arms moved, one wrapping around my back while the other pressed against my side and his hand held the back of my shoulder.

As comfortable as I was, and as strong as I felt being the one to hold Axel, I was getting colder- it was almost November and the house wasn't the warmest so standing in a beater after just waking up didn't help me any. Axel took a deep breath before he pulled away a little and spoke, "Come on, let's get something to eat," he backed up a little so I could move over and grab his hoodie, I was hesitant at first- I wanted to stay next to him but once I started moving I picked up my pace and pulled the fabric on, being careful of my wrist and side in the process. Axel waited till I was ready and had the hoodie zipped up halfway before he turned and opened the door.

Cereal was the dinner choice, I ate plain Life cereal- which is delicious, while Axel ate Coco Puffs, we didn't stand in the kitchen though, which is what I thought we were going to do but instead went into the living room. I sat on the floor, even though there was a whole couch to sit on that only had Axel on it, I sat on the floor, my knees to my chest and the bowl sitting between my knees and my chest, once Axel realized I wasn't going to sit on the couch next to him- though I was pretty much sitting at his feet, just a little to the side because I didn't want to actually be sitting _on_ his feet, he turned sideways and stretched his legs out on the couch.

Though the cereal was tasty I wasn't thinking about it, what I was thinking about was how Axel was always so nice to me and always knew what to say and do and all I could do was give him a hug and get cereal with him, I hated how I could never do anything for him. I made up my mind- I was going to do better, for Axel and for my sister's baby, I had more than enough reason to give up cutting and just be all around better, as long as Axel stayed around then I'd be fine. I could do this.

_**Oh muh gush- another chapter :o**_

_**Yeah, anyway, thanks for all the reviews! I freaked for a good couple of minutes, which pissed my friend off, but it was well worth the punch xD**_

_**I was going to make this chapter shorter but I decided, since you guys are so slendidly amazing- I decided to make it longer. But the chapters are going to be shorter again because I wanted the chapters to be short (which means around 3 thousand words) but I kind of forgot. The last story I did had chapters that were about 8 thousand words near the end so maybe I just haven't gotten out of that funk yet. But! just so you know, the rest of this story Imma do my best to make the chapters shorter, which means I might upload more chapters a day (or at least one a day because I haven't updated in a few). I don't know why but I want the chapters to be short. **_

_**Which I'm sorry about the delay D: I tried to type but it just wasn't working for me- it didn't sound right or anything so instead I planned ahead the next chapters so the time wasn't completely wasted, right? **_

_**Uploaded: June 6th, 2013. **_


	18. Chapter 18: Another Adoration

Instead of going home I decided to take Axel up on his offer and sleep at his house, I hate going to school on Wednesdays- they're just in the middle of the week and I hate them as much as I hate Mondays and Tuesdays. But we went to school anyway, I tried to make Axel happy and smile all night before we went to bed but he'd only barely smirk and then I'd get sad because I couldn't make him happy and then he'd do something simple like poke the side of my neck- which we learned was extremely ticklish and he'd be laughing. I pouted at him after a few failed attempts at making him smile, "What?" he asked.

We were sitting on his bed, Axel was leaning against the wall with his legs laying down the bed, sitting on the bed in the direction he was supposed to while I sat on the inside, my legs up to my chest again because I didn't want my legs going over or under his. I'd been waiting him to ask something like that so I told him, wiggling my hips from the pure awkwardness that hit me when I realized what he was asking and knowing I'd have an inability to give an answer that didn't show I cared too much. "You're being all… not happy," his head tipped to the side and he gave me a questioning look, "Stop it," I whined, he kept the face up for a second before he smiled and gave a soft laugh, "I am happy," his head was still tipped, he gave me a soft shove like I was the one picking on him or something, "No, you're being all…" I couldn't think of the word I wanted to say, "Be happy," I pushed him with my toe, which must have tickled because his legs moved away from me like he was jumping away and his hand reached down to me and grabbed me by my arm and then his other hand came up and grabbed my leg.

He pulled me up so I was next to his actual being- not just his legs, "But I am happy," he said, pushing out his face like he was teasing me or something, "I'm hanging out with Roxas, why wouldn't I be happy?" I couldn't stop my response, "Pshh," I realized a little too late that that wasn't the best answer, I quickly looked up at his face, seeing him freeze for a second before he whispered, almost darkly, "You're lucky I'm worried about hurting you," "Why?" I questioned and as he pulled me over to him so I was leaning against him again as he replied, "Because," he situated himself and then finished talking, "If I wasn't, I'd be tickling the shit out of you right now," just the thought of him actually doing that- because I knew he would, made me laugh.

We sat in silence and I wanted to ask so many questions, but I realized I shouldn't- I didn't want to force him to talk to me if he didn't want to because I knew what it was like to be forced to talk about something you not only didn't want to but also didn't feel comfortable doing so. If he wanted to talk to me, I'd always listen, and I told him that, he smiled and hugged me closer to him.

Back to real time- I was sitting in fourth period, barely paying attention to what the teacher was saying but rather paying attention to my own thoughts- that were not at all curious about how nature makes a Metamorphic Rock. I was drawing in my notebook again rather than taking notes and Axel made a point to continuously look over at what I was drawing, someone opened the front door, gaining the teachers attention but the teacher only stopped talking for a second, I looked up when a shadow was in front of me, "Roxas, some one's here to pick you up," "Huh?" why would someone be picking me up, I looked at Axel with a little bit of concern, he shrugged his shoulder and asked the office woman, "Is he coming back," she replied: "Probably not today," Axel stood up once I started walking out the door and followed me.

Outside I found Keyakku parked out front in a strange car, as soon as he saw me he jumped across the seat and pushed open the door, "Come on, hurry up," climbing into the truck as I asked him, "What's wrong?" "Rikku went into labor, Yuna's taking her to the hospital now," I looked back at Axel, he started to shut my door, "Call me later," he shut my door and waved by, Keyakku quickly pulled away from the curb and drove out of the parking lot. "When did she?" finally I asked, he was driving a little fast and hectic but that wasn't anything new with him, "Go into labor?" when I nodded my head he continued talking, "Maybe half an hour ago, Yuna's at the hospital with her now," he was practically twitching to look both ways before he drove away from the stop sign.

"Whose car is this?" my curiosity got the better of me, as did the cigarette smell of the car, "A co-worker- I needed some way to get to the hospital," the short car ride to the hospital- which, if you may remember, isn't all that far from where we live, I watched Keyakku's face. He either had a big smile with worry in his voice or his face showed his concern but his tone and words were up-beat and happy, Keyakku's so confusing but, I guess it's understandable.

When we got to the hospital it was like Keyakku was out of the car before it was even stopped, he instantly walked around the hospital like he knew just where everything was and where my sister was. When we got to the room my sister was standing, pacing quickly but a little awkwardly, she had a doofy smile on her face even though she kept making painful noises. Keyakku instantly ran up to her and they had their whole little moment, I looked over to see a brown haired heterochromia eyed woman the same age as my sister, she walked over to me, "Hey Roxas, long time no see," her voice was calm even though my sister and Keyakku looked anything but. "Yeah…" I didn't really know what else to say, sure I was trying to open up more and talk to more people _other_ than Axel but there wasn't much progress.

After almost an hour of watching my sister feeling a pain over load to enough that she could stand and continuing to fluctuate like that- a doctor walked in and I was told to wait in the hallway with Yuna. I was told I wouldn't be allowed in the room till after the baby was born so I took a seat on the floor, opposite the door because I kept having the run through of someone carrying Rikku's baby out the door and tripping over me and Rikku's baby would turn into Humpty Dumpty- no, not happening. Doctors and nurses moved through- you know what you assume would happen when someone's giving birth, the sounds, the atmosphere, the lives of everyone else- that all was just as you'd think, at least to me it was.

I was pretty sure all the doctors and nurses had left my sister's room but we still weren't told we could go in, till a little while later, Keyakku opened the door, he told us to wash our hands and then we could come in, after we did that we walked in and Yuna shut the door behind us and what I saw made my heart pause before racing. In front of me my sister halfway laid and halfway sat in the hospital bed, with a little bundle of something in her arms- I'd heard the baby crying when it was born but it didn't feel completely real till I saw my sister holding the swaddle and smiling at what was wrapped tight in the fabric. Yuna basically (gently) pushed me forward so I'd be by my sister, I saw a pale pink face with a little blue hat, "Boy?" I nervously asked, moving only my eyes to look at my sister, she smiled at me and nodded, "You want to hold him?" it surprised me how quickly she asked me to hold my nephew, I quickly shook my head- I'd drop the baby, or he'd start crying, or I'd just do something wrong.

"Here," Keyakku said as he moved around the room, he grabbed the chair and slid it over to me, reaching from his spot behind the chair to grab my shoulder and pull me down so I was sitting, "Wait," I started but I couldn't finish because he was already holding the baby and handing him off to me. "Move your arm just a little bit," he said, grabbing my elbow gently and forcing my arm to move so the baby's head was more in the crook of my arm. My back was straight up, I was terrified to move, the baby was sleeping peacefully but I didn't want to risk moving and waking him up or my hands slipping or something bad happening, I was just terrified to move in general.

Keyakku was laugh, slowly I moved my head up to look at him, he was sitting on the hospital bed next to my sister who was still halfway laying down, "You can relax Rox," he began, "He's not going to go anywhere," ever so slowly I relaxed into the chair, trying to make sure what Keyakku was saying was true- I mean, I know babies can't start walking and rolling around (I think) as soon as they're born but I was nervous that _I_ was going to be the one to fuck up. My sister and Keyakku started talking with Yuna and I was completely fixated on my nephew, he was softly breathing, his skin turning a little less pink as the time went by, and then I saw his eyes open.

His eyes were a pale blue, but as I shifted my head it looked as if they were vibrant, what concerned me was how blue the whites of his eyes were- they were barely even white, "Keyakku," I asked hesitantly, looking up at him, he raised his eyebrows and watched me, waiting for me to continue, "Are his eyes supposed to look like that?" Keyakku looked a little concerned at first, I looked back down, my face was very close to my nephews but I didn't want to move away because it was as if he was staring at me, "Let me see him," my sister spoke, pushing herself to sit up a little more, Keyakku jumped up as if it suddenly clicked in that I wasn't going to dare move with the baby, he handed the baby to my sister, Rikku smiled at him, her fingers instantly rubbing his cheek.

"Your eyes looked exactly the same when you were born," she then coddled the baby some more, I wanted to hold the baby again but I didn't dare ask, instead I asked something else, "So… what're you going to name him?" Keyakku looked at my sister but my sister's vision stayed on the baby, "Ventus," she said calmly, "Ventus?" I asked, Keyakku nodded his head, and I had to admit I kind of liked the name. "We're gonna head out soon, okay?" Keyakku asked and told me, but I didn't want to leave, at least not yet, and it was like my sister could read my mind, "Roxas, you don't have to leave with Keyakku or Yuna, but I don't want you walking around by yourself," I nodded my head, my mind already calling dibs on phoning Axel as if it was a school project. And just like Keyakku said they were heading out, Keyakku giving Rikku and Ventus a kiss before waving to me and leaving with Yuna, I guess they were going to drop the one car off and then Keyakku was going to take Rikku's car and take Yuna back to work.

"Want to hold him again?" my sister asked but I didn't feel safe standing up and taking him so I just stood up next to my sister and looked down at Ventus, "Is he sleeping again," she nodded her head, "That's all he's going to do for a while, at least for a few weeks," Rikku looked up at me like I should be surprised or something but in all honesty that really didn't- newborn babies kind of equaled sleep. "So how're you getting home?" she asked and I thought for a second, "I'll probably walk… I can call my friend and ask- what time is it?" I looked up at the wall space above the door at the clock, it was only a little have 7 (wow, I'd been in the hospital for a while now) all I could hope for was that Axel was still out and about.

"Go see if your friend can- is it Axel?" nodding my head she smiled but didn't say anything, I walked down the hallway- remembering what room my sister was staying in, I walked till I found a desk with a few nurses behind it, "Could I borrow the phone please?" I asked nervously, the woman smiled and moved the phone so I could reach it, she dialed a number and told me only to be a few minutes- to keep it short, and when a few rings passed after I dialed the number Axel picked up. I told him I was still at the hospital with my sister but he could stop by if he wanted to, I told him the room number and we said our goodbyes, I thanked the woman and went back to the room to find my sister singing to the baby.

"Momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring… and if that diamond ring turns brass, Momma's gonna buy you a looking glass…" she continued to sing and I continued to listen, she used to always sing that song to me when I was little but now she was actually singing to _her_ child. Rikku looked up at me as I walked back over and moved to sit in the chair, she shook her head and scooted over on the bed, never once stopping her singing, I took the hint and sat next to her, actually next to her, on the bed, leaning against the upper part of the bed that was at an upward angle, she started to move her hands and it threw me off, she was handing me Ventus so I quickly moved my hands to hold him, when I looked down at his face that was still getting a little lighter I saw he was fast asleep.

An arm went over my shoulders so I looked up at Rikku, her other arm was out in front of me resting on the baby so she could gently rub his cheek, she looked at me with a smile, pulling me a little closer, "My two favorite boys," her comment instantly made me smile, "I thought Keyakku was your favorite?" I tried picking on her but she didn't pick back, "Keyakku's my favorite _man_," she smiled, then added, "But he knows he comes second to my boys," her fingers were petting my hair and gently forcing my head to lean against her shoulder, and it was picture perfect.

As I watched Ventus sleep I thought about the future- about my mother, I mean, how long could we keep this a secret from her? She would find out eventually, right- and if she did wouldn't that just create more problems, what if it's when Ventus is older, like 5 or 10, Mom would have no problem making a scene in front of him and making him feel awful about himself- she'd do that anyway but I'm just worried that Ventus will remember it and it'll affect him. "Rikku?" my voice was quiet because I didn't really want to ask, she made a questioning hum so I continue, "Are you… well… are you still gonna keep mom in the dark?" she was quiet so I kept talking; "I mean... are you going to tell Ventus about her? Like when he's older… what if he doesn't meet her till he's older and he has no idea how to feel about it all?" I looked up at her, taking my eyes off Ventus for a second.

"Rox…" she started, letting out a sigh before she started talking, "We'll deal with it when it it happens…" that didn't really make me worry any less, my sister kissed the top of my head slowly, "It'll be fine Roxas, Ventus will have Keyakku and I to explain things to him, he'll understand, and plus- he'll have his uncle to turn to," I didn't dare question if Keyakku had siblings that the moment, I just assumed she was talking about me as the uncle and took it in stride. After a few minutes passed she started talking again, "Just remember Roxas…" my sister began, "If there's ever a problem with mom… you can always turn to Keyakku and I… don't feel you have to stay away because you want to protect mom- she can fight her own battles…" There was a knock on the door and slowly it opened, and in popped a green eyed, tattoo marked, red haired man, "I'm not interrupting… am I?" I looked up at my sister who just smiled and said, "Not at all, come in," Axel closed the door behind him and walked over to the side of the bed, he leaned in and looked at Ventus with a smile on his face before he looked up at me with that same smile, I told him what I knew he wanted to know, "This is Ventus."

Axel looked back down at Ventus, "He looks like his uncle," he smiled again, looking behind him before he took a seat, "Congratulations Rikku," my sister and him had a small little talk about Ventus- his health and his weight and such, till Axel said something about me, "So he's gonna be just as short as Rox?" that got my sister to laugh, "Yep, probably," "Hey," I jumped in, not liking that they were calling me short, "It's okay Roxas- you know we love you even if you are the size of a munchkin," my sister laughed and all I could do was blush and keep my eyes on Ventus.

After about an hour my sister nudged me to take back Ventus, "Why don't you two go home," she suggested, "You both have school tomorrow," Axel stood up and stretched as I slowly climbed off the hospital bed, "Roxas," my sister called as we began walking out, "Remember what I said to you…" "Yeah," I replied, "I will… see you later," I shut the door and Axel and I walked to find the exit, "How's your wrist?" Axel asked, in truth I had almost forgot about it- I kept it hidden the entire time I was in the hospital, but as I looked down I saw that my hoodie cuff was on my wrist- meaning a part of the splint was showing- panic ran through me at the thought that my sister or anyone saw.

"It's fine," I realized I never gave him an answer, he turned around and was walking backwards in front of me, "Wanna get something to eat?" I thought about it but then shook my head, "We should just hang out," he smiled and began walking next to me, we talked about random stuff till we reached a back road, I was swinging my hands in front of me and behind me, clapping them gently because I didn't want to hurt my wrist, Axel had his hands in his pockets and was looking at the road in front of him, a frown on his face, I moved my hand to grab his wrist, pulling his hand out of his pocket- ignoring his surprised face, and interlocked our fingers so he would swing his arms with me, "What're you doing?" he laughed out, I shrugged my shoulder, "Wouldn't you like to know," he only chuckled more.

We walked to the park, sitting on the table with our feet on the bench, I put my hands in my pockets, it was Halloween tomorrow and it was freezing now, "You cold?" I nodded my head and was surprised when he put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me under his arm, "Yeah, it's going to snow soon…" we sat like that for a few minutes, random cars went by but then both mine and Axel's attention was brought up when a car stopped right in front of us, in the middle of the road, we both watched and waited but then the car sped away- burning out in the process, "That was weird…" Axel said, and all I could do was no my head, "Wanna sleep over at my place?" he asked but I shook my head, "I don't have any clothes so I'd have to go back anyway…" Axel slowly nodded his head, but then I smiled, "Did you see Rikku's face every time she looked at Ventus?"

Axel gave an airy chuckle, "Yeah- she really loves him," we stood up, "Sorry to say it, but I think we should get you back before it gets too late," sadly I nodded my head at his words, we walked to the apartments, right before we got there though Axel stopped walking, "I almost forgot," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar little device, "I got more minutes on it, so we can text again," I looked at the phone as he put it in my hand, "Thanks…" he reached into his pocket again and pulled out the cord, "I went and got minutes for it after school," he handed that to me and I realized we were a lot closer to the apartment door than I thought, "Text me later?" he asked and I nodded, "Okay," I walked into the first door at the foot of the stairs, turning around and waving goodbye as Axel began walking away.

There was no way I could doubt that I loved my nephew, not even two steps and he was on my mind again; I would have to visit my sister again in the hospital tomorrow. I opened the front door and walked to my room, I didn't care who was in the apartment or not, even though I knew someone was.

**_So the day delay really wasn't my fault- I swear, I tried to type and my friend wanted to go for a walk and decided that since I didn't want to that she was going to annoy the living hell out of me. I was almost done with this chapter when she started, she just wouldn't stop talking and what she was saying was, "You use the backspace a lot, you don't use the letter G a lot, you type really fast but then you pause a lot," and then she just started screaming random words and no. I couldn't do it- I just couldn't so the chapter is a little late._**

**_And then yesterday when I tried to upload it the manage stories part of this website just wouldn't work for me so it just... no... didn't work. _**

**_But aside from all that- thanks for the reviews again and for reading :3_**

**_Uploaded: June 9_****_th_****_, 2013_**


	19. Chapter 19: Another Predicament

"What're you doing for Halloween?" I texted Axel, I was safely rigged in my room and had absolutely nothing to do, "You'll see," he responded, of course he'd say that. My mind wandered and I was left with a smile on my face- the day had been perfect, Ventus was the perfect baby, Rikku and Keyakku were completely happy with him, nothing had happened with my mother or Xemnas, and Axel was just there. Slowly I fell asleep, wondering what Axel was going to do for Halloween.

When I saw Axel the next morning I was a little surprised to see he wasn't dressed up, "What?" he asked, I shook my head as we started walking to school, "Nothing, I just pictured you as someone who took advantage of Halloween and dressed up," I laughed and he faked offense. When we got to school I noticed a few people were dressed up but not many, and I remembered what Axel said while we were still walking, "Just wait till after school," and just like he said, as the school day ended and I had a small bag of candy because the teachers kept handing it out, I was pulled along with him, "What're we doing?" I asked a little nervously, "We're going to a party," he smiled at me but instantly I tried to back away, "Party? Whose, and where?" I really wasn't one for parties and I figured Axel knew that but apparently he didn't, "Come on- it's just a few miles away, it's at Olette's house," of course I knew who she was, she sat next to me in all the classes I didn't have Axel with me in.

"How're we getting there?" he smiled and pointed with his thumb behind him, "We're going to ride with Seifer and Hayner, the actual part doesn't start till tonight but I figured we could just hang out there and get used to it and maybe help them out." slowly I nodded, not in agreement but in understanding, "You have fun with that," I hinted that I wasn't going but as I started to back away so I could walk to the apartment Axel moved around so his arm was over my shoulders, still careful of my bruised rib, "Come on!" he smiled, "It'll be fun, and if not then we can always find somewhere else to hang out," even though he was trying to be nice and take me to a party I really didn't want to. "That's okay… really…" I tried to get out from under his arm but he followed me, "Why not?"

"Because," I started, unsure of what to say, "It's awkward…" he smiled and spoke, "How's it awkward?" I didn't even take a second to answer his question "Because, if I go to the party- not only am I not going to talk to anyone but you, but you're going to end up hanging out with other people and then I'm just randomly there looking like a loner and then people are going to be all nice and smiles and try to talk to me because they feel bad that I'm by myself, that's how." I gave a strong nod as I finished my sentence and I thought I'd convinced Axel but when I looked back up at him he had a smile on his face while his eyebrows were strewn together, there was a chuckle in his voice, "Come, you sad deprived soul, we're going to this party and I'm going to stick to you the entire time, not let's hurry up before Seifer leaves us here."

It was a tad strange being in the car with Hayner and Seifer- mostly because Axel called shotgun and since it was Seifer's truck I was stuck in the back with Hayner, not that that was a bad thing, but I hadn't really talked to him and he was probably wondering what the fuck I was doing going to his best friend's party. It was also strange because Hayner was new to the school this year, we all were except Seifer, and word around school is Hayner slept with Seifer a few times, they were fuck buddies or something because they were always at the same party, but now they have to see each other on a daily basis- because neither of them bothered to mention school. Then again, who talks about school while they're having sex on top of being drunk and high?

Anyway, now that they have to see each other it's kind of making or breaking their relationship, they're not dating or anything but they might as well be, they fight like a married couple all the time. We drove for about 10 minutes, 10 miles over the speed limit, and rarely ever stopping for stop signs, I'm surprised I made it there alive. We got out of the truck and spent from about 2:30 to 9 getting everything set up, which wouldn't have been bad except Axel actually ditched me like he said he wouldn't, he left me in the kitchen with Olette while he and Seifer set things up outback and Hayner set stuff up out front.

"Could you help me make this?" she asked, pulling out three boxes of white cake mix, I looked at the boxes with somewhat wide eyes, "Well," she started, getting measure cups out, "It's Sora's birthday so I told him I'd make him his cake," she turned back with three bowls in her hands, slowly I nodded my head, "Yeah… okay," I started helping her make the cake, hesitantly grabbing one of the boxes, there was nothing to be nervous about- I told myself, but it didn't help me any because I was extremely nervous- what if I split something or messed up the recipe, even though it was on the box, what if I did it wrong? She brought out three small bottle things and set them on the counter, "They're dye, the cakes going to be colorful," then she started digging around in the cupboard, "Could you make the three cakes while I do this?" slowly I nodded my head, since all the recipes were the same and I didn't want to keep getting covered in egg yolk, I did the same steps for everything.

Oil in all three, then water in all three, then the eggs, and then I started adding the cake mix. When I finally finished doing that- which didn't take very long I wondered what Olette was doing, she was doing something in a sauce pan but I couldn't tell, I saw a bottle of alcohol next to her though, while whatever she was doing continued to cook, and the whole room smelled of alcohol, she turned and started grabbing the food coloring, "Okay, Sora's favorite colors are blue," she put one of the small bottles next to a bowl of cake mix, "Yellow," she set another bottle down- this one had yellow writing on the top rather than the blue one that had, you guessed it, blue. "And red," she said in a happy tone, setting another dye bottle next to a cake mix. "We can color them and put them in the oven," she turned the stove on and came back over to me and started dripping dye into a bowl.

I don't know if it was just me or if Olette was always this… moving around so much, but I followed her lead with the blue one in front of me and soon the cake mix was bright blue, while the others were bright red and yellow. We put them in separate cake pans and put them in the oven. I had no idea what I was supposed to do after that so I stood and tried not to look like I was even in the room, or at least like I wasn't unsure and questioning everything because even though it was only Olette and I in the house I was still nervous as fuck around her. And I knew there was nothing to be nervous about but as I stood there I tried not to move too much, to shift my weight, or look bored, I knew she probably hated having be left inside with me so I tried to keep a little distance from her and I told myself over and over that I needed to answer her or talk back, have a conversation with her or something.

But when she spoke, "Want to help me make icing?" it felt like I had no vocal cords, not like there was a pain or an emptiness- they just weren't there so when she looked at me I nodded my head and walked back over, she reached in the cupboard and pulled out a binder, she opened it to show a bunch of recipes and ended up going to the 'I' section and when she found what she was looking for he put it on the counter and moved around to get things while I looked at the recipe, and I noticed that instead of having vanilla or something- I'd made icing and frosting enough to know it has vanilla in it- it had alcohol.

Even though I nodded my head- saying I would help her, I pretty much stood there and only helped by taking the dish out of her hand when she asked and putting it in the sink. When that and the cakes were done she had me grab the pans and put them on an empty shelf in a stand up freezer, there was still a lot of time before the party actually started so I had no idea what we were going to do, I all but screamed when an arm went over my shoulder, "Hey Roxy," Axel had a large cheesy smile on his face, probably for the simple fact that he scared the hell out of me.

Then I saw that questioning look on his face, "What?" I asked hesitantly, he gave a nervous laugh, "Seifer's a dick," and then as if out of nowhere Seifer was yelling through the house, "It's your own fault," so I continued to stare at Axel, his smile was slowly getting more and more nervous, "It's not bad, really, just Seifer decided to shot me about twenty times with a staple gun in my hand," my eyes bulged and I moved to look at his hand which was bent up with blood dripping down his arm. There was a gasp and a sigh from Olette, "There's a first aid kit in the hall closet, I don't have time to play nurse Axel," she was throwing her towel onto the counter and began walking to what I assume would be the hall closet.

"That's alright, Roxy can," I glared at Axel's nickname for me, Olette raised an eyebrow at me and looked back and forth between us, "Yeah… I can do it…" I finally spoke, Olette smiled and handed the first aid kit to me and Axel was already walking away. I followed him to the bathroom, Axel yelled down the hallway at Seifer who just flipped him off as he continued walking. Axel sat on the toilet lid and kept his arm up, "Alright nurse, patch me up," I opened the first aid kit and found the cream white plastic tweezers, finding small packages of alcohol wipes in the plastic container also. I wiped the tweezers off and got down on my knees in front of Axel, using the paper packaging the wipe came out of as a waste for me to put the staples in.

"I kind of like it like this," Axel smirked and I rolled my eyes, "Axel," I started, "I'm about to be ripping metal out of your hand… don't push your luck too much more," he chuckled and told me to lighten up. So I found out Axel is really good at exaggerating, by, "Twenty staples," he actually meant, "Six," but there was still a lot of blood. I pulled them out one at a time, hating that I was causing him pain, but then a thought crossed my mind, "So after all these are out can I hold your hand down in salt water," "Hey," he cut in, a pout on his face, "Now's not the time for revenge… I'm hurt…" he then stuck his tongue out and I rolled my eyes, he was weird.

Once the staples were all out and in the trash, I used toilet paper to rub the blood off his hand, wrist, and arm, using another alcohol wipe to clean around the cuts. He took it like a pro though, when the alcohol went over his puncture wounds, and as I was cleaning the inside of his hand free from blood I couldn't help but comment on his wrist, "Axel?" "Hm?" he was watching me and I could tell whatever goofy mood he was in a few seconds ago was gone, "When you said your sister cut… was that just a cover up?" his head tipped back some and to the side a little and it felt like he was glaring down at me but he finally spoke up, "No, it wasn't…" he let out a sigh, "She does, I didn't know how to handle someone else doing it till she opened up to me about it." slowly I nodded my head.

"When I found out she cut I stayed quiet, I knew what I would hate if someone told me when I was cutting, so I went online and searched a shit load of things you're supposed to do and how you're supposed to act." I tried to make him smile by saying, "So you're not really prince charming, you're just an observant nerd?" he only chuckled for a second as I was covering the wound with gauze, as soon as I was done taping it I was pulled forward and into a hug. "I don't really follow what other people tell me, but when I care about someone I want to do things right the first time around," my face heated up as I felt his wounded limb wrap around me even though it was injured, slowly I moved my hands and hugged him back.

Once I was done throwing everything away and putting a few things back in the first aid kit a thought hit me, "Axel, when was the last time you had a tetanus shot?" he looked at me in deep thought before rolling his head back and groaning, "I don't know, a couple years," he looked at me and when he could read my expression he groaned louder, "You really don't think I should get one tonight, do you? It's Halloween," "And it's a shot, it's not going to kill you," I countered. Before he could even start speaking off the list of how it _could_ kill him I put my hand up and shook my head, "No, we should see if someone will drive to the hospital."

We found Seifer and he was less than happy when Axel asked him, we ended up asking Olette and she sighed and said, "Okay, fine, just be careful, don't wreck it or my mom will freak," I didn't really know if Axel would be okay to drive- then again, I didn't even know if he could drive, when I asked him these questions he laughed, "Yes I know how to drive, I've driven a lot actually, and yes- I normally drive one handed anyway." Slowly I nodded my head. "Since we're going to be at the hospital… could I maybe stay there?" he looked away from the road and at me a few quick times before speaking, "To see your sister?" I shook my head, "Maybe, I meant more of not go back…" "But it's the party," he sounded said but I continued speaking anyway, "Yeah and it'll probably be more fun for you if you didn't have me there," he was quiet for a second so I added on a little more, "Besides, I don't think Olette likes me all that much," Axel chuckled at that and said, "Of course she likes you, she's Olette, she likes everyone. But really… you don't want to go?"

I shook my head even though I knew Axel's eyes were supposed to be on the road and not on my head movement, "Socializing… isn't my thing… and it's too far away, if I don't want to be there anymore I can't just easily walk away…" "Well that's you're problem," he quickly said, "You're trying to plan an exit route and the party hasn't even started yet. It'll be fine, besides, I'll be with you the entire time, so don't worry about it." We pulled into the hospital and I thought about Axel's words. And since Axel just so happened to be injured in his dominant hand- that means I had to fill out all the forms for why he needed medical attention and what not- which of course was loads of fun.

When we finally got called back into one of the private rooms I was shocked, and a bit nervous, to find out we had the same doctor as last time, Dr. Vexen, he took off the bandage I had so neatly put on and examined his puncture wounds, "They're not too bad, sadly there isn't much we can do for puncture wounds except patch them up and possibly give stitches," he turned and went to one of the drawers by a sink in the room, he pulled out some medical tape, gauze, and alcohol wipes, "Did you patch him up before he got here?" he asked me, I quickly nodded my head- he probably wasn't very happy with the job I did, and honestly it's not my fault- I've never studied how to be a nurse or anything, how am I supposed to know how to do it? He nodded his head as he spread some cream stuff on it- I never even saw him grab it, "You did a fine job with it," he looked up at Axel, "Make sure to keep it clean and elevated if you can, they're not too serious, you're due for a tetanus shot- I just wanted to get a good look at it before I gave the shot, I'll be right back," he left the room and I looked up at Axel- at his spot on the hospital bed.

"Hope you don't have a fear of needles," I teased, Axel chuckled but wait, I saw something- was that… was that fear? My ego was laughing. "Wanna hold my hand?" I asked in a less demeaning voice, he rolled his eyes but kept gazing off to the side, so I walked over to him and stood next to him, "You don't like shots, do you?" he chuckled again at my question but actually gave me an answer, "Of course not- why would I like being stabbed?" he was acting tough, so I figured I'd let him, but once the doctor came back in with the capped needle and bottle of… tetanus shot stuff, Axel seemed to tense up.

To someone who didn't know him as well as I, Axel probably looked normal- not freaking out or anything, but I could tell he was panicking, and once the doctor popped the long cap off the equally long needle and started to pull the tetanus shot liquids into the syringe Axel's hand shot out to hold mine. I wanted to tease but when I saw his face I couldn't- he was genuinely scared and I wanted to help him as best I could- making fun of him wasn't that. Axel was told to either take his arm out of his shirt or roll up his sleeve to the elbow, he rolled it up and the doctor leaned slightly behind him and quickly stabbed the needle into his flesh and pushed down the plunger.

He pulled the needle out and pressed a piece of gauze to the sight, he peeled apart a band aid and stuck it over the gauze, he then picked up the wrappers and capped the needle, "Your shoulder might be sore for a few days, that's to be expected, as for the puncture wounds I'll be back in a few minutes with some papers," again he walked out the door and we were left alone, and although the needle was safely concealed and hidden away in a red hazard box, Axel was still holding my hand. When the doctor came back he gave Axel papers about how to take care of puncture wounds and just random information about it, then we were leaving- and Axel was still holding my hand, leading me to the car.

"So," I started once we were by the car, "I'm gonna head to the house…" I watched as he let out a sigh and then said, "Come on, let's get going…" he sounded upset- and as unhappy as that made me it also made me feel more comfortable, I honestly couldn't be in at a party without panicking- that much I already knew. But then we were driving out of the city, "Axel?" I asked nervously, "It'll be fine Roxas," he started, "I promise, I'll be right next to you if you want- there's going to be a lot of people from school there so they won't be expecting you to talk to them, just relax," he tried to comfort me but I was still panicking.

We pulled up, little kids were in groups of their friends and walking around in outfits as it started to get dark, we pulled up and I was surprised to see there was already a few cars on Olette's lawn, "Are you sure?" I nervously asked, Axel climbed out of the car and nodded his head towards the house, "Come on," but I stayed sitting- that is, at least till Axel walked around and opened my door, pulling me out of the car. He kept his hold on my hand as we found Olette and gave her the keys back, Axel was using his injured hand even though he wasn't supposed to be and even though I felt bad I didn't want to let go and have him run off and forget about me.

And just like I thought- it wasn't really my scene. The cake was covered in alcohol, turns out that's what Olette was making on the stove, and then not only was the party full of alcohol but drugs too. Axel asked if I wanted a piece of cake and I quickly shook my head no- for two reasons, one: I don't eat in public, two: I don't like alcohol. Alcohol hurts the body and is a depressant and over all- because my mother drinks and I don't like how it changes people. "I don't like alcohol…" I told him, he shrugged and we continued to walk around till we made it out back and it really looked pretty cool.

Axel and Seifer had hung up Christmas lights all around the fence that blocked off the back yard and the lights weren't the typical rainbow colors but white and blue. Axel hadn't drank anything even though the party started a few hours ago- at least, I think. But what really stuck to my memory was when he was offered a cigarette and he took it, he told me he smoked but I'd never seen him, and after he lit that first cigarette we started talking less. Not that I was mad at him or anything but he started talking to everyone and he seemed different, Axel was always so laid back and calm and smiley- but now, around everyone, he was picking on everyone and doing stupid shit.

First it was the cigarette, then someone handed him something that I thought was a cigarette but that made no sense because he was still smoking another cigarette so I concluded that it was pot or something. And he kept smoking so when everyone wasn't paying attention to us I spoke up to Axel, "I thought you were still being watched by your probation officers?" my voice was quiet but Axel just smile and waved his injured hand before he spoke, "Yeah, so? She's not going to do anything," and then he was smoking more. After that we stopped talking, he still stayed by me the entire time but he kind of turned into an ass hat- and it kills me to say that but it was true, he was treating everyone like they were stupid and like he hated them all (which was probably true) and he just wasn't being his normal friendly self. If I hadn't met him in school but rather at this party then I probably wouldn't think of him the same.

I started falling asleep on the outside wood woven couch with Axel next to me, it was late- or early, depending on how you want to look at it, and all I wanted was to sleep. It was cold even with my hoodie and long sleeve shirt on so I stayed as close to Axel as I could, another person's body heat was always good, my shoulder was tucked behind his and I rested my forehead on his shoulder as I started to fall asleep.

Maybe I actually did fall asleep but when I was woken up, Axel spoke, "Want to go home now?" I quickly nodded my head, and I really wished I was a little kid so he could just pick me up and carry me and I could continue sleeping, but that wasn't the case because I was pulled to my feet and walked out to a car. I don't even know whose- but honestly I didn't give a shit. Falling asleep in the car after a few seconds I was woken up when Axel shook my shoulder, "We're here," I leaned my weight off the door so I could push it open and not fall on the ground, I didn't bother to say anything so Axel quickly spoke up before I shut the door, "Bye Roxas, see you in school tomorrow," slowly I nodded my head and shut the door.

Dragging myself up the apartment stairs, all I wanted was to sleep, but I shut the front door a little too loudly and it figures my mother was home, "Roxas?" I looked over at her on the couch, "Roxas! Where the hell were you?" slowly I told her, walking away, "At a party…" "Yeah fucking right," I could hear the springs of the couch and Xemnas groan as she stood up, "Where the hell were you?" "At a party, I told you," I just wanted to go to sleep but she decided to turn it into an argument were she continued to ask me the same questions and soon I just shut and blocked my door and then the shouting from my mother turned into shouting from Xemnas which turned into just not good things.

As I started to fall asleep my phone vibrated in my pocket- I literally just collapsed on my bed and hadn't even taken off my shoes yet, I groaned, hearing my mother and Xemnas still fighting in the living room. I decided Axel could wait till school or something because honestly I had no energy to pull my phone out and read it. I was out in under a minute.

My alarm clocked blared at me, nagging me to get up and go to school, I groaned, turning it off and sliding out of bed about 5 minutes before I had to start walking, my eyes still closed for a few minutes till I need them, I unblocked my door and made it to the bathroom, I couldn't see either Xemnas or my mother but that never meant anything. As I sat on the toilet lid- trying to wake myself up still I pulled out my phone to see I had four new text messages, "What the hell," I mumbled to myself. I started at the first message, "Heyy Roxas you're not mad at me are you?" he asked and then the next one was, "Roxas?" and then about 10 minutes later the texts read differently, "My foster mom called my probation officer on me," and then, "If I'm not in school tomorrow you might not see me for a while, my foster mom is taking my phone, bye, sorry if I made you pissed."

I stared at the phone in horror. I quickly got up and ran to school, not caring that I was wearing the same clothes or the fact that I hadn't had a chance to look in the mirror, I made it to the school at the normal starting time, checking the list to see if Axel had checked his name off yet- and he hadn't. "Aerith?" I saw her walking around in the hallways, I walked up to her, "Is Axel here?" she thought for a moment before saying, "I haven't seen him yet, now come on, hurry up- it's time for class," but I turned the other way, I walked out of the school and I practically ran to Axel's house.

Knocking on the door I freaked out a bit, if Axel was playing a prank on me I was going to punch him till he was black and blue- he wasn't allowed to get taken away, not when everything was suddenly going so well. "Hello- oh, hello Roxas," his foster mom answered the door, "Hi… um… is Axel here?" I asked nervously and she let out a sigh, "No," she started as I waited for her to tell me that he was on his way to school or that he was already there, "He violated his probation, he's been moved to a different home," my heart dropped. No more Axel.

_**Dun-dun-dun!  
Don't kill me- please.**_

_**Thanks for the reviews:D I really appreciate them, and for all the follows and favs :3**_

_**So, I'm sorry it took me so long to update this, a whole week! But once school was out I had to do a bunch of crap and then I had three regents- US history, Global, and Earth Science (my principle's going to text me my grades tomorrow but all I want is to pass them) and they were all morning classes so once I got done with them around 10- I still had to stay at school till 2 and not get home till 4 cuz the bus wouldn't pick me up and I was literally the last person in school all three days, on Friday everyone had left at 11 except me and one other kid and he got his momma to pick him up at noon... oh yeah- back to the point, once all that was done I had/wanted to go to my friends house, the point was for me to help her set up her new place more but we didn't do that... and then once I got home the next day I had to help my mom get ready for a going away party for her husband- and by help I mean I got told to take care of dishes and then she walked away and told me to do everything else... and then the whole party thing because he's going to be gone for 3 weeks on the other side of the country for Reserves. Soooo today was kind of my day to add on the last few paragraphs and finish this chapter- but really, it's not my fault it took so long, if my venting doesn't convince you then I'm sorry. **_

_**Uploaded: June 16th, 2013**_


	20. Chapter 20: Another Motive

"What?" was all I could say, she opened the door a little more and let out a sigh, "I enjoyed having Axel here, really I did, but he had rules to follow and last night was the last straw… his probation officer was only supposed to give him a talking to- but, Axel came back high off something," she shrugged like it was nothing even though she did seem a little upset about it all. "So where is he now?" he had to still be around, and if he was I could still talk to him, right? She shook her head slowly before answering, "A youth facility," "When will he get out?" I was still in disbelief but I needed to know everything I could, she answered with another sorrowful sigh, "He should only be locked up for a month… after that I don't know where he'll be put."

Turning off the porch I ran as fast as I could to my house, there was no way Axel was gone- I mean, at least he wasn't dead or something, I instantly stopped my mind from thinking on _that_ subject but continued to run full force. What if I never saw him again, what if I do and he couldn't give a shit about me because of the time that passes? I stomped up the apartment stairs and threw open the door, quickly turning to my room, turning around to place both my hands against my door and, even though it jolted my sprained wrist, I pushed forward and slammed my door shut also.

Laying on my back on my bed I held my phone above my face with both hands, staring at the lit up screen, waiting for it to start vibrating from a call or a text from Axel, but nothing. I wanted so badly to throw my phone across the room but I knew that if I did I could risk smashing the phone and then there'd be no way for Axel to get a hold of me. Instead I slid my phone onto the floor next to my bed and rolled over to face the wall, if Axel hadn't smoked anything then he wouldn't be in this mess- if I was more persistent and got him to not go to the party then this wouldn't be happening.

Hearing something creak I realized that I hadn't blocked my door, I turned over to see that I didn't even have a closet door anymore and now Xemnas was standing in my door way, I stared at him- not at all ready to deal with his bullshit but he walked in and shut the door behind him like he fucking owned my room. "What the hell do you want?" yeah, not at all prepared to play nice and deal with his bullshit- I didn't give a fuck if I pissed him off because he should just leave me alone. "You hanging out with that ginger again?" he asked and I didn't hide my confusion, "What?" he stayed standing where he was but began yelling, "You fucking heard me! Don't play dumb, I saw you at the park with him- and then you decided that you can just come and go whenever the fuck you want?"

He walked closer to me so I jumped off my bed and stood up, staring right back at him, "What the hell does it matter if I was hanging out with him- you think just because you told me to I'm going to do it? You're not my fucking father!" "No!" he shouted back, "I'm better," before I could even counter that with some fucked up thing he's done that makes him no better than anyone he began speaking, "Because I didn't fucking ditch my two young children with an incapable woman and drop of the face of the earth!" my mind froze and yet again I was unable to produce a comeback before he started yelling some more, "I didn't leave one day and never come back, I didn't walk away and leave my girlfriend and children without any money, a place to stay, or even a fucking number to get a hold of me!"

I bit the inside of my lip, he had no right to talk about my father like that, "Shut the fuck up!" I yelled back, "You didn't know my father!" "Yeah," he questioned, a harsh tone still in his voice, "Neither did you! What kind of man walks away from his two children without so much as a goodbye or a second glance back? He didn't try to stick around because he didn't give a shit about any of you and you're going to stand there and defend him?" He stepped closer to me till he was all but a foot in front of me, "You think I'm such a bad guy- how about the fact that your father left you so I could be here? He left and didn't give a shit about what kind of man filled his place- he didn't care if you got beaten or raped and he's your flesh and blood!"

Shoving Xemnas as hard as I could got me nowhere when he slid his hands up in between my arms, pushed my arms off his shoulders and proceeded to push me back against the dresser, the top lip of the wooden thing crushing into my back and already hurt rib. "At least I'm actually around," he pushed me a little harder against the wood, tears were prickling in the corner of my eyes while I continued to bite at the inside of my lip, a stern frown on my face. Xemnas' hand moved up to grab a hold of the top of my head, his fingers wrapping around my hair so he could yank and tip my head up. And I didn't care if he could see my eyes watering because I wasn't going to avoid his stare, I could stare back just as hard.

"You," he emphasized by pointing a finger in my face, "Are not allowed to hang out with that boy anymore," he stopped to just stare and then picked up again, "You're mine," he shoved me back harder, causing what little balance I had on my own to disappear as he stormed out of my room, slamming my bedroom door on his way out. Falling to the ground with my knees loosely to my chest I mumbled while trying to hold back my tears, "No problem there… Axel's gone."

As I sat and thought about it I realized Axel was gone just like Xemnas said my father was, Axel had dropped off the face of the earth and I had no way of getting a hold of him- he could find a way to have contact with me but I was generally screwed. Maybe Axel would be like my father, as my mother said: "Your father talked a lot of shit, he'd play nice and seem like he gave a fuck but every chance he got to get away he took," and this was Axel's chance to get away.

Before a tear could fall down my face I grabbed my alarm clock and chucked it at the door, "Fuck you Xemnas!" I screamed, watching as my alarm clock smashed into a giant chuck with smaller pieces falling around it, the cord smacking a few seconds later. Then I heard stomping and my heart froze, "Oh shit," before I could even stand up my door was thrown open and Xemnas was grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and picking me up, slamming me down on my back on the bed. He started yelling shit in my face but I didn't care to listen, instead I started pushing him away and turning every which way in an attempt to get free but his hands stayed on the collar of my shirt.

He continued to yell in my face till eventually he pushed off and walked out of my room, not bothering to shut my door on his way out, I laid there, trying to get a hold of my breathing- tears threatening to fall because not only was I upset about the Axel and pretty much everything else, but I was also pissed beyond belief. The front door opened and I heard my mother walk in, her and Xemnas spoke and then she came in and spoke to me, "Why aren't you in school?" which was followed up by the question of, "What the hell's your problem?" "Nothing," I mumbled, rolling over to face the wall, curled up slightly and ignoring the pain in my sides, "What… what the hell's this?" my mother screeched.

I turned over as saw her kicking my alarm clock, "Why the fuck are you breaking things?" rolling my eyes as I stood up I attempted to walk past her but she put her arms up and pushed me back, "Answer me!" she yelled, so I did, in some way, "Why the fuck do you care?" I shouted back, she seemed a little surprised but didn't say anything so I continued to shout, "We all know you don't give a shit so why the hell do you even bother pretending!" "I do fucking care Roxas," I cut her off with my louder voice, "Yeah right!" I held my arm up to signal to the couch where her boyfriend was sitting, "Even Xemnas knows that's bullshit! You've _cared_ maybe three times since I moved back in with you- I've been here over a month, you haven't even been here for most of that time because you're off doing who the fuck knows! So no, you don't fucking care!" I tried to storm by her and get to the bathroom again but she stopped me.

"I do fucking care so stop acting so full of yourself!" "Really? How about the fact that I said your boyfriend was a fucking creeper so you thought it be good to bring him around more? What kind of sense does that make? You don't fucking give a shit about me or about Rikku- you just don't want Rikku to actually be proven right because you hate losing, especially because you know Rikku is so much more happier than you and you can't get over one fucking thing in your life!" My cheek burned as my mother smacked me with her boney ass knuckles, she stared for a moment before walking around me and further into my room.

"What the fucks this?" she pulled open my dresser and grabbed out some clothes, "Garbage? Since apparently I don't fucking care about you, how about this?" she pulled out the entire drawer she was just in and threw it to the side, letting it smash and possibly break against the cheap linoleum floor, while she went up a drawer and pulled out some of those clothes too. "Is this fucking trash too?" she whipped the shirts and clothes at me before she took out that drawer and threw it to the ground also. "How about all of these?" she then pulled every other drawer out and smashed them on the ground, "How about this? Is this showing you just how much I don't care?" she grabbed hold of my top mattress and threw it off the bed, doing the same with the box spring.

"Ya know, because apparently I could care less about you, obviously I don't mind if you sleep on the streets," she walked back over to me and started to push me back, I almost fell a few times but once she got me out of my room I knew where she was pushing me to. "Stop," I said, trying to maneuver around her hands but she just adjusted and continued, "No! You can get the fuck out of my house because I guess I don't give a shit about you!" she continued to try and push me out the door but I held onto the wall as best I could. "Just stop!" I finally screamed after she grabbed hold of my hair and tried to force me out the door, she shoved me away and grabbed her car keys off the small table next to the door and opened the front door- something she had been unable to do while she was struggling with me, and slammed it shut as she left.

Xemnas was smoking a cigarette on the couch, watching me like a hawk but I didn't care, I had already been leaning against the wall from where my mother pushed me against it so I slid down the wall and kept my knees pressed tight to my chest. My hands found their way around my neck and were now violently pulling my hair, I couldn't do this. Practically crawling to a stand I turned and stalked to the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it quickly, I just couldn't take this, I reached around under the sink in the cupboard to find my plastic pack of razors. Sitting on the toilet lid I quickly pried the clear container open, it fell to the ground when my grip faltered and razors spilled in every direction- but I only needed one. I grabbed the first one I could and struggled to pull off my hoodie, slipping off the splint just the same, letting it drop while I took the blade to my wrist.

All good things must come to an end, right? Axel was a good thing but he was gone, I cut deeply in the side of my wrist- crossing over my healed wounds, Axel said me not cutting was a good thing- I don't know why though because it never hurt anyone but me and I wanted it, I cut just below it and watched as the split skin began to fill with red liquid while the first cut began to cry the same liquid. Cutting below that I felt the sting of the split skin and realized just how much I missed it, so I cut again- just as deeply. The blood was about to drip off my wrist so I quickly stood up and held my wrist over the sink.

I wanted that biting sting, because I knew after every sharp split of skin came this pain free euphoric few seconds, so I cut deeply straight across my wrist- not high enough to damage the major veins but definitely deep enough to gush blood. I pulled off my beater- being careful not to get blood on it and stripped down to jump in the shower. Walking and stepping on razors to get to the tub I started the shower and sat down in the plastic bowl. As my knees were weakly brought up to my chest while I laid back against the wall I was left to stare at my legs and thighs- which were healed of all old cuts but now looked like I had long and thin pink leeches attached to me. The razor was still being tightly held in my hand.

Frustration was still boiling inside me and I wanted that euphoria so I quickly pressed the blade to my leg and dragged it hard and deep over and over and over again, never pausing to savor the sting and not thinking of the damage or harm. Water swooshed onto my wound and I couldn't help but gasp in pain, the razor dropped from my hand, landing on the edge of the tub, and I sat back to stare at the blood that cascaded down my leg. Looking over the cuts there had to have been 30 to 40 deep 1 inch cuts all in a band just above my knee. The tears that had prickled at my eyes were subsiding and now I was left panting and curling under the rays of the water.

Changing back into my clothes I walked to my room, shutting the door quietly behind me as I took in the mess of my room, slowly I walked forward and began picking up the mess, starting with my bed first. Sliding the mattress and box spring back like they were supposed to be I then moved and grabbed all of my drawers and put them back in my bureau, not caring that everything dropped out of them in the process. Sitting down I began going through my clothes- which wasn't very many because the only ones that had been bought new for me were the ones my sister got while the other ones my mother took me to a thrift like store to get- 2 dollars a shirt or pants. I was picky with my clothes either way so it's not like much were bought.

Folding the clothes while separating them, it's not like I had much else to do, I froze when I heard something buzz. I waited for a second and listened- wanting to hear it again, and then I heard it and then I realized what it was. I laid back and shot my hand out to grab my phone, quickly opening it and instantly clicking the OK button so I could read the message but I was a little disappointed to find it was only my sister texting me. I'd completely forgotten she knew my number. She wanted me to come over after school- where I was supposed to be at the moment- so she could start teaching me how to take care of Ventus. As soon as I read his name I felt guilty, I wanted to stop cutting from the moment he entered the world but looks like that was already impossible.

Not bothering to respond I threw my phone on the bed and continued folding the clothes, putting the shirts in the second drawer and the pants in the third while my beaters and boxers were in the first, I stood up and realized I still had to do something about my radio. It was not only my source of music but also my alarm clock, I plugged it in and hoped for it to work but the colored numbers didn't even flash and didn't even make a sound, I let out a sigh and picked up all the pieces by my door.

Quietly, after grabbing my phone, I walked out of my room with the broken clock in hand, trying to ignore Xemnas' watch of me from the couch, I slid the clock into the garbage and walked back to the front door. Pulling the door open I was stopped when Xemnas spoke, "Where you going?" I rested my forehead against the small inch thickness of the door while my hand was still on the handle and replied, "Rikku's… I always stop at her house after school…" "Why?" he quickly asked but his tone wasn't as violent as it was before so I was able to remain a little laid back. "So she knows how things are going…" "And?" he had so many questions for someone who was just spitting in my face not too long ago. "And what?" his question didn't make sense to me so I asked him to clarify, he response: "What're you going to tell her?"

Looking out the door I was quiet for a few seconds, not for any particular reason, just because I didn't want to give him an answer, "Same thing I always do- everything's fine," I shut the door and stopped the conversation from going any further. I mean- I wasn't lying, everything was fine because it was my fault mom snapped, if I hadn't snapped at her she wouldn't have gotten upset and then nothing would have gotten worse. As I started walking down the street I thought about it and realized I could tell Rikku that Axel was away, I wouldn't tell her why because I feel like she wouldn't approve but I would tell her that he was taken away and wasn't coming back for at least a month if at all.

When I got there everything was instantly alright. Even though it was cold with a little bit of snow on the ground outside once I stepped into my sister's house I was greeted by warmth and a family feeling. The house didn't feel empty like my mother's did, and when I saw my sister sitting on the couch with Ventus I couldn't help but smile. My sister started giving me tips, making me hold my nephew most of the time- even though he was sleeping almost all the time, my sister would set him down in his bassinet thing for a little while- while she was holding him but she wanted me to hold me even when he was sleeping. She taught me how to feed him and burp him and how to change his diaper and give him a bath in the sink, she gave me all the pointers and tips and things he could and couldn't do- like sleep with a pillow.

Of course this didn't all happen in one afternoon, this happened over the course of almost two weeks, and then I was on my own, my sister called every hour to check up on him and see how I was handling him and everything was going fine for those first three weeks but after only a week of watching him myself Ventus started crying. Normally when he started crying it was because he needed a diaper change or he was hungry- or just cold, but no matter what I did he wouldn't stop crying. Have you ever been with a crying baby? It's like you're timed because you want to get the baby to stop crying as soon as possible and you feel like if you don't a bomb is going to go off, but no matter what I did he wouldn't stop crying.

I took his temperature, I changed his diaper, I changed his clothes, I gave him a bath and changed his clothes again, I wrapped him up in a blanket, I tried to feed him, I tried to burp him, I held him, I let him set for a few minutes, I put him in Rikku's dark ass room, and I tried to gently rub his head thinking he may have had a headache. I tried everything I could think of but it was like he was screaming his lungs off and I was just missing what was wrong, hell- I even tried yelling louder than him and flubbering his lips with my finger but he didn't stop. Keyakku got back a few minutes after I had tried everything, "Rox? What's wrong with Ventus?" he picked the baby up from me on the couch and I quickly stood up as Keyakku swayed back and forth with Ventus, "I don't know," I quickly rambled out, "I tried everything- he's never cried like this, he's been crying for over an hour," as soon as I said that Keyakku walked into his and Rikku's room telling me on the way, "Did you try putting him down for a nap?" but his voice was condescending like he wasn't expecting a reply.

Standing there full of concern I waited for Ventus to stop crying and after about 10 minutes he stopped, I felt so bad- his crying was raw from wailing for so long and the corners of his eyes were red and puffy from the tears, not to mention his whole face was red. He had literally probably cried himself to sleep. Tiptoeing to Keyakku's room I was going to softly knock and check just to make sure everything was okay but then I heard him talking, "Ventus must be sick," he started, he mumbled a lot and I could hear my sister's voice turned shrill through the phone, "Listen Rikku, I know you want Roxas in Ventus' life but he said Ventus was crying for over an hour," and of course he was going to talk about me.

He continued to talk to my sister in a low voice so I didn't know exactly what he was saying and then I heard him say, "I'm sorry babe- I just don't think Roxas should be left alone with Ventus," and that was all I needed to hear. I quietly walked away and left, walking through snow to get to the apartment, all I could hear was Ventus screaming and choking on his tears in my brain, what didn't I do right? I walked up the steps to the apartment and quietly opened the door, finding that only Xemnas was there- yet again, my mother hadn't been around much since that fight about her not caring took place almost three weeks ago, Xemnas went out and hung with her a lot but she only came back at night and it was like she was still angry at me, Xemnas had learned just to accept me coming back three hours after school ended- or maybe he just didn't know what time school ended.

Without Axel around- which I had still yet to tell my sister about, school was so much more challenging, the only person I was friends with and actually went to school to see was Axel and he wasn't there anymore, so I rarely even went. Even if that meant I got stuck at the apartment with Xemnas, which still wasn't okay. The day after I found out Axel was gone he became a creeper just like before, except he had put whatever drug it was he always tried to slip me into the orange juice in the fridge. I got the courage to help myself to something to drink because I was that freaking thirsty and as I downed the glass I felt a hand on my arm. My eyes widened when Xemnas was standing over me and I tried to push him away but he only grabbed my wrists and held them by the sides of my head, pushing me backwards over the counter making me feel like my back was going to break but then after a few minutes and his sickening smile stayed I started to feel different and soon his hold on me was the only thing keeping me up.

That was when I declared all things in the fridge off limits because it was probably drugged up, so the whole thing with Xemnas had never gone away and if anything had gotten worse. So as I walked through the apartment with my hood up and head down I tried to quickly and quietly get to my room- without him realizing that I was in a hurry or that I was even back- Ventus' crying was still ringing in my ears, I leaned against my closed door and sat with my knees against my chest. Xemnas drank just as much as he did when my mom bothered to come back around, except now he had nowhere for all his 'love' to go. Ventus relied on me and I let him wail for over an hour, Rikku trusted me with her baby and now Keyakku was mad at me and her, Keyakku didn't trust me with Ventus but, I mean, he had good reason.

I really couldn't do anything right. All I had to do was nothing when it came to cutting and I still messed that up, I couldn't get the courage to speak to my mother when she was around, I barely had the courage to go to school, I was always being fucked with by Xemnas and even if I was his toy he still hated me. A shower began to sound really good. As I got more clothes- deciding I wasn't going to school for the rest of the week (it was a Thursday) I found myself in auto drive till I was sitting in the bathtub with the water beating down on me.

Looking at my arm I traced over the word 'PATHETIC' with my eyes then turned to look at my other arm which, as of yet, didn't have a word carved into it and I realized just what to write. Taking the blade in my other hand even thought it was my less dominant- I began spelling. Quick strokes with hard pressure I wrote, "W," and then I moved a little more up to continued writing- writing from my wrist up to the crook of my elbow, the letters were compact to fit the word but vomited blood just the same and my head began to spin which was strange because I was so used to blood loss that it took a lot for me to get dizzy but maybe this was a little more blood loss than I was used to.

The blood flowed more quickly because of the added water running down my arm but as I stared at the word I felt like I had answered a question deep inside. "PATHETIC," was still very darkly scarred into the inside of my arm on one side while on the other side the still bleeding, "WORTHLESS," showed brightly, everything had seemed like it was going good… and then everything just went south- all starting the day Axel left.

Tears mixed with the water and left a salty taste on my tongue, but I didn't bother to stop them or to stop the choked sob that left me every few seconds, everything sucked. Being a virgin didn't mean shit anymore to me and in all honesty I wasn't even sure if I was one anymore.

The next day while I was sleeping Xemnas took it upon himself to wake me up and torture me, he found the scabbed over word but just like always- was neither happy nor upset, like I really cared though. I didn't bother to go over to Rikku's because I knew she wasn't expecting me- if she was she would have texted me an hour after school went out and I didn't show up, it was probably for the better though- I obviously couldn't take care of Ventus, hell- I couldn't even take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of another fragile human?

Maybe things just weren't meant to get any better.

**_Sorry this took so long to get up, in truth I probably could've uploaded it a day or two ago but I kept getting side tracked. _**

**_To Guest: So, so, sorry I haven't responded at all- I meant do after that first review but then just kept forgetting, But! Thanks for sticking to it :3 _**

**_To Lime Gap: Yeahhhh I know- I gotta work on that whole who's saying what thing, but splitting the dialouge up like that has just never worked for me, it always makes ME confused :\ but I'll try to work on it c:_**

**_Also! Oehhh muhhh fuuuueeekkk- you guys gave me over 100 reviews :o you guys rock :DDD I'm glad people are enjoying the story :]_**


	21. Chapter 21: Another Encounter

So days passed, I wanted to bug Axel's old foster mom one last time for information because it had been almost a month but I didn't want to take the chance that Axel had been avoiding me. School sucked more because when I bothered to show up- when I could tell Xemnas was going to be the sadistic asshole that he was- all the teachers did was lecture me and try to weave their way in the my life and figure out why I wasn't going like I should and how my grades were dropping. Aerith pulled me out on individuals more than usual, asking how my days were going and if I had anyone in school I could talk to if I needed to- in which case I told her the truth, "The only person I talk to here was Axel… and I don't need anyone to talk to," she dropped the conversation there.

Even though it was Wednesday it was the first day I'd gone to school so far in the week, Aerith backed off a little and I think everyone was just going for the "Act-like-it's-okay" phases, and I really didn't even want to go to school. But Monday and Tuesday Xemnas had left me alone, so as I walked back to the apartment I knew I was going to be in shit when I got back. But I didn't want to go back, so I went and sat on the stone wall of a cemetery on my way to postpone the inevitable. As I sat I wondered what would happen if I walked out in front of a car- I no longer found myself safe in vehicles because every time I was in one I thought about opening the door and jumping out (more times than not I ended up dead in the thought) but it's not like I was acting on these thoughts.

If I got hit it'd probably hurt, I might ruin the persons car, they would have my death on their conscience and probably think about it for a while, my sister would have Keyakku and the baby- it's not like I've even talked to them since I heard Keyakku saying he didn't want me around Ventus. Ah… Ventus… he's too young to remember me so if Rikku and Keyakku talk about me it'll be about how I was messed up in the head or something, my mother wouldn't care- Xemnas would probably be more upset than her. And at my funeral- assuming I have one, the truth will come out and Rikku will learn that things haven't been the best at Mom's and that Xemnas was still fucking with me.

The autopsy guy would tell my mother and sister about my self-inflicted wounds and scars and tell them that I'd been doing it for a while now, Rikku might get pissed at me but my mother wouldn't even act surprised. Axel would probably refuse to accept that it was suicide and just believe that it was an accident, or he'd believe that it was on purpose and he'd just keep in mind how fucked up _my_ mind was. Axel and my sister would probably talk, she'd ask him if he knew about my cutting- of course she wouldn't just come out and say it, she would ask subtly or Axel would just ask her about it. Either way they were all bound to share what little pieces they thought they knew about me and then they would discover a small corner of how fucked everything was going in my life.

I jumped off the short wall and walked closer to the street, I wasn't going to actually commit the act- I just wanted to see how close to it I could get though. The cars sped in front of me like it was a high way or something, and I watched as each one sped through the town- it was an active road, not car after car but about a 5 second gap between them. Then I realized, I could do this. I could take the few steps forward and jump in front of the car, if it didn't kill me it would surely make something somehow better, the pain didn't mean anything, I waited for the car to get just a little closer….

But then my phone started vibrating in my pocket and curiosity was getting the better of me, after all- there would be more cars, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out the device. I don't know why I bothered carrying it with me, it only had Axel's number in it and it was like my sister refused to talk to me now but still it was going off. I answered and pressed the phone to my ear, waiting for whoever it was to speak, maybe I would tell them what I was about to do like a sort of suicide note, but then I actually heard the voice. My mouth dropped and I stared ahead at nothing, was this really who I thought it was?

"Roxas- you there Rox?" the person asked and in my amazement I was able to respond, "Axel?" it was like I could hear his smile in his response, "Yeah, the one the only," and I wanted to cry. The realization of everything I was just thinking of doing rushed in and bit at my heart, "You okay Rox?" he asked and I hummed a reply as I wiped my eye, "Yeah… I'm glad you called…" the hopelessness I had been feeling that was leading me to walk closer to the road was washing over me as if I was a different person and the feeling was completely knew- but I was at a safe distance from being pulled under.

"You're my first call, I was thinking about calling my mother first but figured you'd want to talk to me more," he was laughing again and I crouched down as if I was falling, I used my free hand to rub my eyes while my forehead rested against my knees. After a sniffle I responded, "I'm glad you called," he asked what I was doing but I told him I'd tell him some other time and then proceeded to ask him, "Are you coming back?" His voice was calm this time, "Yeah, I should be out of here by the end of the week, my foster mom asked to have me back- it all just depends on what the court has to say, they get to choose when I go back to her…" nodding my head even though I knew he couldn't see me was all I could do while trying to push back the tears.

"Well, I have to go, stay strong Rox- I'll see you soon," and then he said bye and I was left sobbing next to the road because of my own stupidity.

After a few minutes I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath, standing up I walked- I had no idea where I was walking to but I figured I'd let my feet figure it out. And there I stood, in front of Rikku's house, her car out front so either her or Keyakku were home, and then I could hear Ventus crying inside, which made me want to turn away till I saw the curtain over the window move and then my sister opened the door, she waved me in and I forced myself to go in even though I knew they all didn't want me there.

Turns out Ventus hadn't stopped crying since I left, Rikku was taking him to his doctor and was bringing me along for the ride, I waited in the heated doctor's office while Rikku and the screaming Ventus went into the private room. Rikku came out almost an hour later- I guess she had been going to the doctor every week trying new things to get Ventus to stop crying, and as I sat there I guess the doctor finally gave her an answer and no more stuff to try out.

Colic. That's why Ventus was fine every once and a while till he was laid down or started to get tired- then he would scream his lungs off for hours. Ventus was actually quiet in the backseat though, turns out he was really tired, "Roxas…" my sister started in a quiet voice, not once looking at me even though she continued to talk, "You know it's not your fault that Ventus was crying when you were watching him, right?" I didn't know how to answer that truthfully and not upset my sister in some way, shape, or form. "Some babies just are colicky while others aren't… we just have to wait it out.

Slowly I nodded my head, "So… how long is he going to cry like that?" I asked and she shrugged her shoulders with a small shake of her head, "I don't know… some babies have it up to 6 months…" again I nodded my head and when we pulled up to my sister's house it was already dark, she parked the car but made no move to get out. "Roxas… I know it's a lot… but- I have to get back to work at a decent hour, the way things are going Keyakku gets stuck with the baby till I get home from work and then he has to go to work tired and cranky… Would you mind watching Ventus again?"

My eyes widened and I looked in the backseat even though I couldn't see Ventus, "You want me to watch him?" she nodded her head and said, "You did fine- you did everything you were supposed to do when you watched him last, now he's just going to scream a lot more… but I don't want you to watch him if his crying is going to get to you and mess up your schooling…" "No," I quickly said, "I can watch him… is Keyakku fine with that?" she sighed and rested her head on the steering wheel.

"Guess we'll just have to have that conversation with him when I get back from picking him up… you want to take Ventus into the house?" she picked apart her keys so I'd have the house key, I got out and carefully got Ventus out- not wanting to wake him up, once I got in the house and my sister had left I started to move Ventus so I could put him in his crib but he started to wake up and I didn't want to risk waking him up and have him screaming yet again. So I left him in his car seat and sat him on the floor, sitting on the couch and watching every little movement he made, I rested my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around my ankles, and thought.

Rikku said Ventus looks just like I did when I was a baby, so I wonder if that was how Rikku looked too… Mom was my age when she had her- was Rikku colicky? What if Ventus was mine- I would go insane from the crying, but Mom didn't have anyone there to help her out, her boyfriend was gone away and didn't care about her… I was thinking of suicide at my age and my mother was with a baby- those are completely different ends of the spectrum… Was I a colicky baby? Rikku wasn't even my age yet and she practically raised me- so how did she handle it all?

I wonder… if when they looked at me as a baby and as I look at Ventus, did they ever think I would grow up to be… like this? Did they ever think my mind would be this messed up and at my age be facing the things I was facing? As I stare at the small blond I wonder- when Ventus gets older will he ever go down the same road I'm on now? Would he have difficulties in every aspect of his life?

The door opened but I heard Rikku speak and could see the two figures walking in the door so slowly I took my gaze off the sleeping baby and looked up at my sister and Keyakku, my sister had a smile on her face, "You know Roxas… you don't have to watch him like a hawk- he's not going to get up and walk away," I tried to smile back but it wasn't working for me so I just shrugged.

Rikku took Ventus into the other room while Keyakku took a seat in the chair, he undid the top of his work boots so the shoe laces hung down but he didn't take his shoes off all the way, he leaned back in the chair and let out a sigh. I waited for him to say something but he didn't look like he was going to any time soon. Rikku came back into the room and looked from Keyakku to me and then repeated the action a few times before she went and sat on the couch as close to Keyakku as she could and as far from me in the process.

"Keyakku…" my sister started, "I asked Roxas if he'd watch Ventus again," Keyakku closed his eyes and then looked at me, I had just shifted so my back was against the arm rest and I could better face them, but as soon as he looked at me I looked at my sister. "Rikku… you know I don't think that is a good idea…" he trailed off and I was left fighting in my head. Keyakku was right to not trust me- I'd almost killed myself today and it would be anything but smart to trust another person's life in my hands, but then again… Ventus is my nephew- it's not like I'm going to hurt him or do anything to hurt him, I'd always do the best I could for him so there was no reason why they couldn't trust me with him. I wasn't going to hurt him and I'd do anything to make sure of it.

It turns out Keyakku and my sister were still talking even while I was thinking. "Keyakku- you love Roxas like a brother, he's not going to do anything bad to Ventus," "I know he's not, Rox- I know you're not," he said and then it was like it became an argument between Keyakku and Rikku. "Then why don't you want him around Ventus? You know he's not going to do anything bad but yet you still don't trust him alone with the baby!" "I do trust him Rikku!" Keyakku yelled which got both mine and my sisters attention, he continued to stare at my sister as he spoke, "Roxas is like my brother- you said it yourself, of course I trust him! But you know what Rikku- just because you were able to care for him when you were 16 doesn't mean that Roxas is ready to care for a baby!"

That hit both my sister and I pretty hard, "I know he'd do anything he could for the baby- really, I do, but he's in school and trying to deal with shit on his own he doesn't need to add the welfare of a baby on top of that!" he turned and looked at me, "Rox I know you'll take care of Ventus but you don't need to- we're his parents, not you, _you're_ still a kid and dealing with enough shit from your mother- if I had my say you'd be living here and then maybe you could watch Ventus but until you open up and actually get better- mentally, I don't think you need a baby on your mind!"

I literally gasped, I didn't care if it felt awkward I tried to yell back, "I don't have any problems," before it could become a full shouted sentence though Keyakku butted in and was shouting at me, "Yeah well you're not exactly okay Rox! You don't talk to anyone- not even kids from school! You don't eat- you've lost all the weight you put on while you were here, you probably weigh less than when you first came to live with us- you're practically skin and bones! Look at yourself Rox!" he motioned to my being, "The only part of you I can see is your face and most of that is covered with hair! Something obviously isn't right but that's not the problem! The problem is you're not going anywhere for help! You're not talking to the school about it, you're not talking to me about it, and you're not talking to Rikku about it!" he counted off on his fingers.

"When was the last time you even had a conversation with someone Rox?" his voice was still loud but I tried to answer his question, my talk with Axel wasn't really a conversation and I knew he didn't mean one that happened today, the more I thought about it the longer I realized it was. "Exactly!" he yelled when I couldn't provide an answer, "You don't need a baby- let alone one that won't stop crying- on your mind till you can deal with what's already being thrown your way," he stood up and walked into the kitchen, my sister following him, leaving me sitting with my knees pulled tight to my chest at the end of the couch.

They continued to talk in the kitchen- I know this because I could hear them whispering back and forth, it was dark out… I should be heading back to the apartment or Xemnas would get pissed. So I stood up and slipped out of the house, I know as soon as I opened the door that they heard me because their whispering paused for a second, but I shut the door and walked away as fast as I could before they could stop me.

As I made it up the steps of the apartment I could hear talking, I stilled for a second and smiled a little when I realized it was my mother but then panic washed over me, I didn't know what kind of a mood she was in or if she would even want to deal with me because she hadn't recently. Quietly I opened the door; I kept my head down as I walked towards my room only to hear my mother shout behind me, "Roxas! I'm gonna make cookies, you want to help?" I turned back and looked at her, Xemnas was attacking her neck like she was a piece of fresh meat, I smiled and nodded my head, "Yeah, I just gotta change my shirt," she smiled back and I hurriedly went to my room, my shirt was short sleeve but I knew my mother would make me take my hoodie off if I was baking with her so I threw on a long sleeved shirt instead.

After I helped make cookies- which was as enjoyable and comical as you could imagine- so much so that Xemnas ended up walking into my mother's room and leaving us alone, and after they were made and my mother wanted to go to bed I found a text message from my sister as well as one missed call. I read the message and even with Keyakku's words in my head I smiled, "Can you come over tomorrow and start watching Ventus after school?" Thus started the need to be somewhere every day after school, and because my mother was around more Xemnas left me alone just as much- still managed to be creepy whenever he could but I could handle it, because I knew I would wake up in the morning, go to school, go to Rikku's, spend time with Ventus, eat at Rikku's (which was one of the new set in place rules, I had to eat dinner at their house because apparently I wasn't eating enough at my mother's) and then when I got back I had a few minutes by myself to do homework or something and then my mother would get home.

Don't ask me where she was, but she wasn't home- meaning Xemnas was the only one home all day, and I can't tell you how many times I went into my room to find him in my room just so he could be creepy to me. And that was just how life continued, a cut here and there after a very creepy and un-enjoyful encounter with Xemnas, a bickering contest with my mother which lead to another scratch, and Ventus who screamed his head off a lot but was still a giggling baby. Thanksgiving came and went, me and my mother baked goods, while at my sister's dinner was left overs for the next few days, and then Christmas came just as fast, my mother and my sister were still fighting so my mother didn't bother to come over to Rikku's house, my mother got me a new fuzzy blue pillow and my sister gave me a hundred bucks- babysitting money, she said when I refused to take it.

And then my birthday rolled around in January- I was now officially 17, my sister gave me another hundred dollars and my mother gave me a blanket that matched my pillow. Everyone had managed to give me a gift, some I loved more than other's- the only one I didn't like was Xemnas'- and that's just because it was a _surprise_ that I didn't realize till I was half way drugged up. But of course nothing was going to change with Xemnas, but at least I didn't cut once on my birthday- s that was a good thing.

I sat on my sister's couch, it was a Friday and I had managed to slip away from school a few minutes early, and I was happy when I came over to find Ventus in a giggly mood. He was three months old now and I found that all his screaming gave him some strong lungs- except at the moment all they were doing was laughing, two hours went by and not once did he start crying for no reason and not stop, he started to fuss twice but that was because he needed a diaper change and he was hungry, but other than that- he was a cheerful little bundle.

As I said before- I was sitting on my sister's couch, my knees brought up loosely up- I was relaxed so Ventus could lay against my upper legs, is head was near my knees while his feet were being used to help support him on my lower stomach. He kicked me a few times but with his hold on my fingers he tried to walk and it was easy for me to get him to smile. So sitting wasn't completely the truth- I was half laying on my sister's couch, and then the door opened, I turned and saw Keyakku walking through the door, he didn't seem exactly happy, but I know I was, Ventus was a little ball of happy.

Keyakku became happy just the same when I told him Ventus wasn't crying anymore. It was like Keyakku had made it his mission to check up on me every day- to ask how I was doing and how I was feeling, I was fine, except dreading the spring and summer where I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with wearing a long sleeve shirt or a hoodie, or even my arm warmers- I didn't know what I'd do but I tried not to worry about it too much. Rikku came back about an hour later and brought home pizza, I had only a slice because I really wasn't all that hungry- Keyakku also made it his job to tell me when I needed to eat more and when eating a little less was okay. I know I put on a little more weight because my pants weren't ready to fall off my hips at any moment any more, today was one of those days were Keyakku said it was okay.

As I walked home I got a text, I sighed and wondered what my sister wanted now, "I'm back at my foster mom's, same place, come see me?" I stopped walking and stared at my phone, looking up on the screen to see that it was from Axel, I instantly turned and ran, who cares if it's almost 6 at night and dark outside?

And when I showed up I found Axel walking down his porch, he looked the same as I remembered but better because this time he was actually standing in front of me, and I took full advantage of that when I ran up and hugged him.

_**Woohoo! another chapter up for your eyes to see :3**_

_**This chapter literally took me almost two hours to type, I know that because my laptop only lasts two hours off the battery and I currently have 16 minutes (9%) battery left.  
The reason for such a quick chapter? Cuz you guys rock. I logged on today when I got home after being far far away to see that the last chapter alone had 10 reviews. Holy shit guys!- you make me feel special :3**_

_**So anyway, enjoy the chapter :DD**_

_**Uploaded: June 22th, 2013**_


	22. Chapter 22: Another Affliction

Squeezing Axel as close and hard as I could I didn't want to let go, I felt his arms wrap around me and hug me back, and of course everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Axel was here again and I was currently surrounded by the way he felt, the way he smelt, and the way he sounded. "Aw," he started, "Did you miss me?" sure I was expecting that from him so it didn't come as too much of a surprise but it still got to me, I pulled away and punched him hard in the chest, "Of course you jerk!" even though I had just punched him I was visibly close to tears, Axel softly laughed and then was giving me the tight hug I had just been giving him.

"I missed you too…" he was rocking back and forth from foot to foot while hugging me- which caused me to rock too so now we were turned around and I was closer to the porch… not that it really mattered… "You're such a jerk…" I mumbled under my breath, glad that he was still hugging me but not at all letting him win over my anger. "How am I a jerk?" he had that amused sound in his voice but I was not at all in the mood to be joking around, I sniffled before I spoke, wiping my eyes in the process, "I didn't know if you were going to come back," again I had to wipe the tears away before I could continue speaking, "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again…"

Did I say I wouldn't let him win over my anger? I meant over my close-to-a-crying-mess blob of emotions. "If I wasn't allowed back here I would have texted you or called you or something… I would've come seen you," he said as he placed his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me away so he could look at me, I shook my head- he didn't know that he would get ahold of me, if he was given the chance to get away he probably would've taken it… just like my father. But it was unfair to think of him like that, I took a deep breath and recollected myself, but Axel looked like he wasn't completely convinced.

"Why wouldn't you see me again?" he asked and even though I had originally been thinking about him just leaving and not coming back- I realized I almost did the same thing not too long ago. I almost walked in front of a car, pushed a little deeper with a new blade, and cut a little longer, and then I would've been the one that left but either way I wouldn't ever get to see him again. I shook my head, I didn't want to have this conversation at the moment but Axel seemed persistent as we started walking away from his house and towards my own. "Hey, come on, tell me Rox…" I shook my head again and tried to force a smile but Axel just threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me a little closer, "Rox… why wouldn't I come back?"

I gave in, and whispered, "I don't know… I didn't know if you were going to leave… and just not come back… my father did it… why wouldn't you?" I practically mumbled the last bit hoping Axel wouldn't hear but of course he did, "What brought this on?" his carefree attitude was lost and now replaced with a serious one, he asked me again when I didn't give an answer, "Rox, you never used to talk about your dad like that… what happened?" and again I spilled.

"Nothing… just Xemnas…" the memory was still fresh in my mind- but that might have been just because every time I gave Xemnas a dirty look- which I did a lot- he would remind me over and over again. "What did he say?" Axel asked but I really didn't want to give an answer, Axel had stopped walking and used all his energy instead to stare at me like he was trying to will the truth out of me. "Axel… it doesn't matter," my voice was almost a yell, "Xemnas is always going to be an asshole," and then I put on a half-smile, "I'm just glad you're back."

And then I thought about it, "You should spend the night!" Axel's surprised face turned into a happy one, he threw his arm over my shoulder again and started walking with me, "I don't think I can- I would love to, trust me, but I think my foster mom still wants to keep an eye on me… I'm pretty much grounded till further notice," so I blushed a little, I could feel my cheeks heat up even though the wind was freezing, of course I was naïve enough to think Axel had _no_ other life and would be able to just spend his night with me. Slowly I nodded my head, and he said: "The best I can do is walk you home," I smiled up at him just to let him know I wasn't completely crushed inside.

"So," I started, "Why were you taken away, why were you away for so long?" he chuckled before he answered, "It wasn't that long- it was only three months… But… well… my foster mom has either a curfew or I have to tell her that I'm staying somewhere… and I missed my curfew- I guess that was kind of stepping over the line because I'd broken a lot of her rules already, so," he sighed, "She called my probation officer to go looking for me- just to give me a pep talk but found me high off my ass," he was chuckling and then sighed, "Which violated my probation. I went to a youth facility till my court hearing. My foster mom said she wanted me back so that was already figured out but I had to complete 8 drug support group classes and then a follow up before I could leave."

Slowly I was nodding my head as he spoke, it made sense… I guess- not that there was anything really wrong with it, I just didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Hey," he started, "How's Ventus doing? He's gotta be a big boy now?" I smiled and nodded my head, "Yeah, he is… he was colicky for the past three months though… hopefully he's over it now…" "Yeah," he responded, there was a bit of a silence and then he asked, "Well that's good, have you been watching him this whole time?" shrugging my shoulders was my response.

"Kind of… at first, right after he started screaming and no one knew why- Keyakku didn't want me around… but then about a month later I started watching him again- when they found out why… so yeah, I guess I've been watching him a lot. He just stopped crying today actually, so either it's out of his system or today was just a good day," Axel smiled and pulled me a little closer for a second, "I say it's both, it's out of his system, and because, you know, I mean- I'm here, so it must be good," he had that shit eating grin on his face and even though I knew he was trying to sound cocky the truth was he contributed mostly to it being a good day- in general, not just Ventus' not screaming.

As we approached the apartment I figured Axel would just stop walking and then turn around and leave, but instead I found him continuing to walk past where I had stopped to bid him adieu and instead opening the stair door, I didn't need one of his cocky remarks to get me moving up the stairs. At the very top of the stairs, right before the door I turned to Axel and gave him a hug, "What're you doing tomorrow?" I asked nervously, wanting to hang out with him, he only smiled, "Probably be hanging out with this little punk kid I know," I tried not to act hurt, "Oh," I dragged out, he chuckled a bit and opened the door for me, "I'll see you tomorrow Roxy," and then I felt like an idiot.

I shut the door slowly, not wanting to lose sight of him in fear that it might be the last time I ever saw him, and then I looked over to find Xemnas staring at me from the couch, but I didn't see my mother around anywhere, "Where's mom?" I asked nervously, it was obvious Xemnas already knew I was back so me asking a question couldn't possibly hurt anything else, right? "She's out… away… won't be back for a few hours," and then he stood up and I started to back away, "I gonna go… do some homework," I said quickly, hoping I could somehow get away from him but as I went to shut my door behind me a foot and hand slammed against my door.

There was no way I could shut the door, and even if I did I had nothing to block it with- Xemnas took my closet door (remember?), said it was 'broken', I jumped over to the other side of the room and leaned against the window, Xemnas slowly walked in and shut the door behind him, turning the light on in the process, he ran a hand through his silver hair and stared at me with his acid yellow eyes- oh how I hated those eyes, "You're hanging with that kid again," "He's my friend," "Oh," he faked surprise and then continued talking, "He's your friend is he?" suddenly a hand was clamped around my throat, my head tipping back in hopes of allowing more room for me to breath, "If he was your friend then why has he never tried to save you?" he pulled me closer to him to get me off the window and then threw me back on my bed, "You whine every minute about how you hate being here, well than why the fuck doesn't your little _friend_ try to help you?"

I knew why Axel couldn't do anything- it was because of his probation- that had to be it, what other reason would Axel have for saying he wanted to beat the shit out of Xemnas all the time but never actually trying to. "Go away!" shouting as loud as I could while Xemnas crawled on top of me got me nowhere, I pushed against his shoulders and chest, trying to kick him all the while, but he just leaned his head down next to my ear like I was some baby that had no muscle once so ever, "Because he doesn't care…" he whispered and that hollowness that I had ceased to feel was ebbing ever bigger, I had grown so used to how it was that I could almost not feel it but now the aching and empty feeling was growing.

"Go away," I said again, trying not to let on that Xemnas' words were getting to me, all he did was chuckle as he pulled away, looking down at me like I was some sort of prey, of course he felt the need to torture me. An unclean sensation washed over me as Xemnas' body was closer to my own than probably even Axel's had ever been, a pathetic feeling followed when the ever occurring situation of me trying to push him away and hurt _him_ got me nowhere but instead just showed how pathetic I really was. Words didn't matter because if I was in a position to speak it only made things worse for me and even though I used a source of strength that surprised even me every time he even got a foot near me- I still got nowhere and he was only harsher with me.

"Go away," I had screamed it one last time but Xemnas quickly smacked me across the face- with his hand or his fist it didn't matter because his knuckles still made contact, so now I was left muttering it and trying not to break down or just scream in general. My organs felt like they were painlessly being pulled from my stomach and shamefully put on display- wishing to shrivel up at the sight and deteriorate into nothing. That same pain and disgusting feeling spread up through my core and turned every part of me it touched to be cloaked in the black impurity. The humility did nothing but increase the empty feeling inside me, no matter how hard I tried to will away the feelings it just stuck.

His touch was cold- it always was, which made the sickness I felt shrivel and worsen, squeezing my eyes shut I continued to try and will away everything- the feelings, the touches, and Xemnas. I tried not to break down in tears because every tear burned- because it was just another thing to show Xemnas that I was weak, I didn't want to be weak in Xemnas' eyes, I wanted him to fear me! To never think of touching me, of coming within an inch of me, but the bruises from his strangling grip not too long ago were tightening around my neck- making me feel like I couldn't breathe enough air while the sickness in my stomach made me nauseous.

Pressure was building up behind my eyes while I tried to ignore Xemnas hands on my bare skin- his touch making my flesh shrivel, the same pressure built up in the hinges of my jaws- spreading to my cheeks, it was always just too much. The collar of his shirt was bunched up in my fists as I tried to strangle him with his own shirt and push him away; doing anything and everything that came to my mind to push him away. "Roxas," he whispered in my ear, "Why do you always want to fight me?" he knew the answer- he was just too much of a sadist and creep to stop. "Go away," I started mumbling again, the pressure in my jaw from my unshed tears grew stronger and once a tear fell I knew it didn't matter, because after that first tear- they wouldn't stop and neither would Xemnas.

Tears burned my eyes- leaked down the corners, and dried stiffly in my hair, a few finding their way to get my ears wet, all while I sniffled and tried to quiet any sounds I would make with my fabric covered arm thrown across my mouth and nose, Xemnas talked to me a little- like he always did but I always ignored him. And then he left, leaving my door open like he couldn't be bothered with it, as I stared at the ceiling and tried to gain control over my breathing. My chest ached from my frantic breathing while a little deeper the sickly feeling spread further and made a residence where it had newly discovered. Returning my clothes to the way they should've been I went into the bathroom with new clothes and took another long ass shower.

Staring at the razor I wondered whether or not I should cut my leg- I already determined that I wasn't going to cut either wrist, now it was just up to if I wanted to cut at all. Axel would be upset when he found out what I did to my other arm, which was now scarred just like the first, the only thing I could do now would be make it worse- and that was something I didn't want to do. Taking a deep breath I decided against it, I sat the razor on the ledge and curled my knees to my chest, hugging myself tightly and letting whatever tears I had left to fall down my face, the burning water quickly washed them away.

Haring a knock on the bathroom door I jumped and stopped my breathing, "Roxas?" I heard someone yell, it was my mother, "Yeah?" I choked back a yell, she paused for a second and then continued, "Hurry up! I got you something!" and then that was the end of that. I didn't hurry up though, instead I sat in there till the water started to get cold and then I jumped out, drying off and changing, putting on a checkered hoodie with the hood up even though my hair was still wet.

Slowly I walked around the corner, looking to find Xemnas smoking a cigarette on the couch but I could hear someone moving around in the kitchen so I took my chances. I found my mother taking things out of grocery bags at the kitchen table, "Roxas," she said as she turned her head to look at me, "I got you something," she smiled and reached into her back pocket, pulling out something in her fist, "Here," she had a large ass smile on her face, I nervously held out my hand and then she dropped something light into my hand. Looking at it I realized it was a necklace, a small silver chain with a small key dangling from it, I held the key and closely looked at it, I don't know why but I have always liked keys.

"I saw it and thought you might like it," she had the huge smile still on her face, but my mind wasn't completely cooperating with me so all I could provide was a half-smile and a thanks, "I love it," her smile grew and she ushered me to put it on, I slid the chain over my head and the key rested against my sternum, "You can't ever take it off," she started, "Okay?" I quickly nodded my head, and replied, "I won't," "Good," she smiled and then she reached to her throat and pulled a similar chain that was golden and instead of a key had a cross with a sword like point dripping down from the bottom part.

"I got us both ones," she was still smiling and it was starting to rub off on me, "Now as long as we wear them we'll both be together," she pulled me into a hug and at first I was a little surprised but I quickly hugged her back. This is why I deal with all of Xemnas' shit, so I can be around to have these moments with my mother and to feel her love. As long as my mother continued to love me and Axel stayed around, then I could handle Xemnas, maybe.

There was so many things buzzing in my head, things I wanted to do- things I needed to do, things I was terrified to do… I didn't want to give up cutting, but I didn't want to disappoint Axel… I didn't want to deal with Xemnas' bullshit but I wanted to stay with my mother and keep moments like this… I guess I'd just have to deal, I hugged my mother tightly before slowly letting go.

_**Sorry for the late update... kinda... I maybe did it on purpose. **_

_**See, the thing is, I hate it when I go to read a story on here (because I read a. lot.) and the author updates multiple chapters- maybe it's just me but I get lost on where I am so I go back wayyyy too many chapters and it's just... no... so I don't know, I wanted more of a waiting period for people to catch up to the new updates before I updated again. This idea is probably going to go straight out the window so if you like daily updates don't worry. **_

_**I'll update sooner than I did this chapter from the last.**_

_**And thanks to the reviews, I'm sorry if I haven't responded yet I just haven't gotten to it which is a rather lame excuse seeing as how I am ALWAYS on FanFiction, literally o.o ... I'm on FanFiction more than a preteen on Facebook. So feel free to message me if you wanna talk or if you just want to comment but don't want to review :D**_

_**Uploaded: June 27, 2013**_


	23. Chapter 23: Another Phenomenon

I slept easy knowing that Xemnas wasn't going to fuck with me at least for the night, and through my peaceful sleep I felt a weight sit on my back- seeing as how I was laying on my stomach with my head facing the side, "Roxas," I heard someone sing, there was light laughter and I groaned. Something was pressing into my sides and the weight on my back and butt kept shifting, another mirrored pressure pressed against my shoulder and then I heard the voice again, "Roxas! Get up sleepy head," the voice laughed out, "Huh?" I questioned, turning my head a little to see my mother's face move down to better be in my vision.

"Time to get up, your friends here," she had a huge smile on her face which made me question if she even went to bed- my mother never woke up _that_ happy, "Axel?" I questioned and she nodded quickly before she climbed off me, "He said he'd wait outside," and then she was walking out of my room and I was left to my thoughts. Why was he waiting downstairs?

Xemnas' words echoed deep in my head, "Because he doesn't care about you," and the more I thought about it the worse my thoughts got. What if Axel never came up was because he wanted to stay as far away as possible from all my bullshit and this was the only way he knew how to without coming off like he was avoiding me? Or, what if Axel didn't want to be put in a situation where I thought he would stand up for me only to be disappointed when he didn't- because he didn't want to? Forcing myself to sit up I fixed my hood that was over my shoulder where it didn't belong, standing up I fixed my loose pants that had shifted in my sleep and fixed my shirt on top of that.

I always wanted Axel to see me at my best- but hell, I really didn't care, so I moved to the foot of my bed- found my socks I had kicked off while I slept and slid them on followed by my shoes. Making a quick trip to the bathroom and looking myself over quick in the process I began to leave. Seeing my mother standing facing the couch I opened the door a bit but thought better, "What time do you want me back?" I asked, feeling my phone in my pocket just to make sure I had it, "Be back around half past 5, so you can help me cook dinner," she had a large smile on her face as she turned her upper half to look at me while her hand stayed in Xemnas'. Nodding my head I left, racing down the stairs out of habit, and just like my mother said Axel was standing outside in the gravel parking lot, looking up at the sky.

"Hey," I said as I opened the outside door, instantly feeling the chill in the air that reminded me that it was February. Axel turned around and smiled at me, "Hey, did you just wake up?" nodding my head he smiled more, and said, "It's like 1 pm, you getting more sleep lately?" he sounded concerned but he had a faint smile on his face, I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess," I really hadn't but because I was always so tired after dealing with Ventus and then Xemnas and sometimes my mother it was easy for me to sleep for a few hours, and last night was probably the best night sleep I'd had since Axel left. Axel seemed a little off by my response but I didn't really feel like telling him everything that I had running through my head.

Mostly because none of the thoughts were positive Axel oriented.

His arm was over my shoulders and it was natural- because that was how we always walked and because of the chill in the air it just made more sense, and since Axel was so much taller than me he put little to no noticeable amount of weight on me. Normally when I walk I keep my head down to look at the foot space in front of my feet- that's just how I've always been, and this time was no different, but this time my eyes wandered and I took in both Axel's and my own outfit. We were both basically dressed in black, I had my black and white checkered hoodie on while Axel had his black hoodie with the white plush fleece insulation, I had on black cargo pants that were still a little too big for me and Axel had on a pair of skinny-ish black jeans- we almost matched.

Axel asked me numerous questions like he was trying to keep the conversation going, like he asked, "How's school?" after about the 50th question and my answer had been either, "Okay," "Fine," "I guess," "Same," or just a nod or shake of the head, and it was like he realized I wasn't giving him detailed answers so he didn't venture towards tricky subjects. "Alright…" was my answer, he let out a sigh but then stopped asking me questions, at least till we made it to McDonalds which was at the end of the street.

"Why don't you pick a seat, I'll order us some food," he had on a half-smile so I tried to offer one back but I know Axel didn't really believe it and I was really hating myself for everything going on in my head. Xemnas was right- if Axel did care then he wouldn't be fine with Xemnas all the time if he knew how much I didn't like the man, plus Axel only got ahold of me once in the three months he was gone- he must have had more time to talk to people than he cared to share with me, and while it hurts all the same to know he must not really care something else was hurting me more.

Picking a seat against the wall but right next to the door I continued to think while Axel ordered, the place was almost completely empty. Axel's care for me was in question- that much I knew, but what I hated was that I was making him deal with me even though I knew he might not want to deal with my bullshit. I was handing over to him all my troubles and expecting him to do something about it and it was really eating away at me. Why did Axel have to deal my shit? He was just locked up in a youth facility for a few months now, not to mention he's in foster care at the moment, shouldn't he be having something difficult to deal with also- so why are we only talking about me like I'm the only person who has a problem?

I'm not mad at Axel for making it seem like I'm the center of his attention, I'm mad at myself for letting it seem that way, I never ask how he's doing- and when I do he gives me an answer I know is bullshit, I know if I ask him anything he'll give me an answer but yet I only bitch and cry about my own life. Axel has no reason to care about me- Xemnas said it himself, I complain and cry to Axel all the time about how I hate my life but I never once have asked or pushed to know more about his. Hopefully Axel doesn't think he's responsible for me- because he's not, it's not his job to watch out for me, it's my own and I need to grow up and accept that and stop complaining to him about every little fucking thing that happens to me.

I really hope Axel doesn't think he has to stay around like it's his job- I hope that's not the reason, but… just like Xemnas as continued to say-… we'll I've said it before so I'm not saying it again. But have I really been that blind? I was so worked up in a fantasy about how Axel was going to make everything alright and how Axel was my knight in shining armor and shit, but really Axel's just another person- who bothered to talk to me and continue to talk to me even when it seemed like I had nothing much to say. I'm making an image of what I want Axel to be- I want him to be someone who cares so I never bother to see if he actually does, and it's not fair to Axel that I keep dragging him down like I am.

Before I could continue my thoughts Axel sat down with a tray full of food, he had his hamburgers, my fries, and the drink we normally share but in all honesty this was his food- not mine, and I needed to stop over stepping my place. Axel always bought me stuff and how did I repay him- by complaining and whining. "You gonna eat?" he asked, pulling me from my thoughts again, as he swallowed a bite of his burger, I slowly shook my head, "No… that's alright," I mumbled, he raised an eyebrow at me and set his burger down, "What's wrong?" again I heard concern in his voice but I had to remind myself that that was just my mind playing tricks- he wasn't actually concerned, he was just asking a question.

"Nothing," I quickly said, "I'm just… not all that hungry…" I quickly added, he took a little bit deeper of a breath and set his burger down on the tray, "Come on Roxas, you just woke up- you've gotta be hungry," he wasn't smiling when he said it but he tried to smile afterwards like he was trying to make me smile also, but I was too busy trying to keep Xemnas' words in my head and Axel's words out to smile back. Shrugging my shoulders was my response, and Axel didn't seem all that happy about it, he left his burger sitting on the tray and relaxed into the bench, staring at me for a second while I looked off to the side of the restaurant. "What's wrong Rox?"

Again his voice with that fake concern- "I'm just making it up, stop it, stop it, stop it," I yelled in my head and I wanted to start smacking my skull just to get his voice away but I didn't want to make too much of a scene, "Nothing," I tried to relax into the seat to show that I wasn't having any problems but it didn't look like it was convincing Axel. "I probably should've asked you if you wanted to get something to eat or not," he wiped off his face with a napkin and a little violently dropped it on the tray, "But alright," he stood up and I was sitting in shook.

"What're you doing?" I quickly and quietly asked, he stopped for a moment, his head tipping back so he could look at the ceiling for a second before he turned and looked back at me, "If you're not hungry then what's the point of having this food?" he took a deep breath and ran his free hand through his hair, "No reason to keep it because I'm not going to eat it by myself when someone who looks like they need it way more than me 'isn't hungry'," and then he turned around and walked the few steps to the trash can and down went the fries and sandwiches, he sat back down in front of me, "Will you at least take a sip of the drink or are you not thirsty either?"

I heard it.

I finally heard the hate in his voice, the impatience, the anger, and that tone that just said he was sick and tired, see- Axel really didn't care but I was too brainwashed by my own wants to see past what I wanted to, this was a person shining through and being more than I've shaped them in my mind to be. Even though I'd heard it and that's what I was looking to do- it hurt, it hurt because now I would never be able to forget that hate in his voice and I knew that all this time the friendship I thought we had was a figment of my imagination- and I was so stupid to think he actually might care, even in the slightest.

Xemnas was right.

Standing up I instantly turned to the door and walked out of it, not taking a glance back at Axel- why should I? I needed to stop being as selfish as I was and I needed to just butt out of his life, I walked full speed across the street, never once checking to see if any cars were coming, but luck wasn't on my side as no cars were close enough to kill me. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it," I chanted in my head over and over again, never once stopping my fast pace, Xemnas was right- of course he was, he was about everything, just like he always was. He was right when he said my mother didn't always love me, he was right when he told me how pathetic and worthless I was, he was right when he told me that it was my fault my father left- it was my fault I hurt because I was that much of a wasted space that did nothing but bring everyone else down. And now he was right about Axel was well.

Again I went to cross another street- without looking, but a hand clamped on my wrist and I was stopped before I could even step onto the cross walk, a car sped by, twirling my hair around and making my eyes bulge for a second out of shock. An arm draped over my shoulders and pushed me forward slightly to continue my walking, at a much slower pace this time. "We should go over to your sisters, see how everything's going over there," Axel said nonchalantly and I wanted to just get away, "Sure," I mumbled instead, my sister liked him so who was I to push him out of her life? At least now I knew that Axel didn't care about me.

We showed up at my sisters not to long after, Axel continued to try and talk to me, asking a few sarcastic answers like he was trying to get me to smile but I just shrugged my shoulder, he also tried to talk about something serious but again I just shrugged my shoulder. "Hey Roxas, hey Axel," my sister smiled, we walked in and I found Ventus laying on a mat thing with toys hanging above his head he started smiling as soon as he saw me, "Hey Axel, could you help me grab something?" my sister asked him and after a little confusion he smiled and nodded his head, "Sure," he followed her into the kitchen and I sat on the floor by Ventus.

Ventus really had some strong ass lungs, he was giggling away like he was high off something, he was watching me like he was expecting something, I looked up at the doorway to the kitchen and quickly back down- Rikku wouldn't mind if I picked him up, I don't think. "Hi Ventus," I smiled, and his smile grew bigger, I stood up with him in my arms and sat on the couch, standing him on my lap and holding onto his hands. He ended up sitting down sideways and leaning against my chest, "You tired?" I asked him and it was as if on cue- he yawned, I leaned down and kissed his head and he opened his mouth like he was going to yawn again but instead he leaned forward and latched onto my arm.

He was trying to bite so I did it back at him to his cheek, making a gnawing sound as I softly closed my mouth a little and repeated the action like I was trying to eat his face, he giggled louder and did it back, so I stood him up and did it to his tummy, he laughed and stomped his feet. Holding onto my thumbs with his hands he opened his mouth, showing a few white caps were his teeth would start growing in soon, and he slowly leaned forward and watched me like he was afraid I was going to move and then he started to gum my face instead of my arm, Ventus quickly leaned back and when I did it to his cheek again he started giggling even more and then I heard Axel behind me.

"Wow, he got big," he had a smile on his face as he came around and sat next to me, "Wanna go to Axel?" I asked Ventus, his blue eyes wide as he looked around and then started to stare at Axel, I started to move Ventus so Axel could take him but as soon as I leaned Ventus closer and Axel got his hands up Ventus started crying. Not wanting to hear any more of his crying I quickly took him back and instantly he stopped and smiled, that kind of smile like he knew he just got his way. I found it weird being around Ventus and other people because he was a baby- I could act like a complete tard to try and get him to smile and laugh but he might not… which means I would still look like a tard in the end.

After a few minutes Axel tried to hold him again but Ventus just started whining and again he stopped as soon as he was on my lap again, "Man, Ventus sure loves his uncle Roxas," Axel smiled and I offered a half-smile back, Ventus was stuck with me always watching him, that's why he was so fond of me. "Hey Rox…" Axel said out of nowhere while I had Ventus in my arms, a bottle in my hand because he hadn't been fed in about almost two hours, Ventus was quiet now and Rikku was taking advantage of the opportunity of freedom- I guess Keyakku had to work this weekend because normally he was always here on the weekends but for some reason he was gone and Rikku was here instead.

"Yeah?" I finally asked when he didn't continue, "Why didn't you tell anyone I was gone?" that surprised me a little but I tried to hide the shock, "Why?" was my response, I mean, it's not like there was a secret to it all but I wanted to know why Axel was curious. "Just wondering… Rikku said she hadn't seen me around in a while… she thought me and you had a fight and weren't friends anymore…" I kept my eyes on Ventus, "It just never came up…" I mumbled, and that was really the reason- no one had ever asked me where Axel was so I never bothered to tell them, plus I didn't want to tell Xemnas cuz I felt like that might have made things worse.

Axel nodded his head but before he could say anything I heard my sister yell from the kitchen, "You guys want to stay for dinner?" I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to yell with Ventus' ear by my chest, Axel stood up and went to the kitchen, I could hear him and my sister talking but I tried to tune them out. Ventus was all I needed to worry about- I could live and do things just for him and everything would be fine.

I put Ventus down in his crib and walked back out to the kitchen where Axel and Rikku were, we ended up having spaghetti- and I had an instant memory of September when Rikku and I sat in the giant Lay-Z-boy chair she has and watched movies, when it was just the two of us… well, the three of us- I didn't know she was pregnant at the time though. Those times seemed like so long ago. We ate in silence, I got a bowl but only put a little bit in it- it was a trick I had learned, get a little bit and if the food left food pieces in the bowl or on the place then just move the food around a lot so it looks like you've eaten a normal amount.

Like with spaghetti, get a little bit and then rub the sauce soaked noodles around the edges of the bowl to make it look like you've eaten a lot, I tried to eat what they wanted me to but that was way too much and I didn't want to get any fatter than I already was- I didn't want Xemnas to be right about that too. And then I looked at the stove, watching as Rikku took care of dishes and the time happened to cross my vision, it was almost 8 at night- and my mother wanted me home so we could make dinner.

"Rikku, I gotta go, I forgot I said I'd help mom with something," she responded with an alright and then I waved to Axel awkwardly and ran out the door, running as fast as I could to get to the house, hoping my mother had forgotten all about it and hoping that she meant one of those late dinners that we sometimes had. My key necklace bounced up and down and off my chest again and again as I ran, sliding a few times because of the slush and snow.

Running up the stairs, my eyes adjusting to the hallway light from the darkness of outside rather slowly, I opened the door quickly- my heart feeling like it was freezing in my chest out of fear, when I opened the door I found Xemnas on the couch like usual, I walked out to the kitchen to find the kitchen a mess of groceries and dishes and to find my mother nowhere. "Where's mom?" I asked Xemnas, he slowly looked up at me, taking another swish of his alcohol before he pointed in the direction of my mother's room, I walked around and stood in front of her door, taking a deep breath before I raised my hand and softly knocked, "Mom?" I questioned even more quietly.

The door opened after I knocked one more time and I was shoved out of the way as she walked past me and into the bathroom, she was angry, I waited by her bedroom door and a few minutes or seconds later she came out, "What the hell do you want?" she asked, I could hear the small slur in her voice and instantly knew it was my fault. "I'm sorry, I lost track of time," I started to explain but she just rolled her eyes and walked into the other room, "Mom…" normally I knew better than to be up her ass like I was but I wanted to make things better with her, she stopped before she reached the front door and turned around to look at me.

"Why the fuck don't you ever listen Roxas!" she finally screamed and I knew she had every right to be angry at me, "I try to do something nice for you- to show you I love you but no! You'd rather go hang out with your fucking friends!" "I'm sorry," I quickly said again, I wanted to tell her that I was at Rikku's but I felt like she might just get even more angry. "No Roxas, I don't give a shit," she pushed me back, "You never gave a fuck when I told _you_ I was sorry! Why the fuck should I listen to you!" she shoved me again after I got my balance back.

"I figured everything was going so good! Everything was going fucking great! And I asked you to do one thing Roxas, one thing! All I did was ask you be back at a certain time but no, you don't even love me enough to do that!" she opened the door and my heard was being shrouded in the hollowness that I hated so much. "Mom, wait, I'm sorry, we can still do something," I started, she rolled her head like she was shaking it back and forth so I quickly spoke up, "I'll clean up the kitchen and everything will be fine-," she cut me off, "No it won't Roxas! I don't have anything now because it's all fucking garbage! If you'd just fucking listened for once," her voice strained like she was trying not to either laugh or cry, "God Roxas- you know, sometimes you just piss me the fuck off," she opened the door and quickly slammed it shut, I watched the door as she sped off, her awful engine blaring to signal her whereabouts and it wasn't till after that that Xemnas spoke.

"You really fucked up Roxas," he took another swig of his alcohol, "She was so bent on trying to be nice to you… but I guess you never really are one for listening," "Shut the fuck up!" I turned and yelled at him, he didn't even flinched but instead took another sip of his drink. "You don't listen either! That or maybe you're just that much of a fucking sadistic asshole that you decide to not only ruin my mother's life but mine too!" I had yelled at him a lot more than I was used to in these past few months, but I always got in trouble for it, I opened the door to leave but it was quickly slammed shut as Xemnas hand smacked against it.

A gasp left my lips as Xemnas shoved me and I almost fell, "Who the fuck are you to talk to me like that?" he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and yanked me towards him, "Why the fuck do you always have to bitch about how bad everything is for you, hmm?" his breath reeked of alcohol, "Who the fuck cares how you feel Roxas," he grabbed my arm with his free hand, "You said it yourself- you're pathetic and worthless, stop bringing everyone down with you," he whispered the last piece into my ear and I wanted to scream at him, I shoved his chest, my hand slipping in the commotion and I ended up smacking his face- which felt wonderful, if I might add, but that turned Xemnas to be even more violent and he quickly curled his fingers and smashed his fist against the already lightly bruised side of my face.

Falling and smashing into the floor from the blow, I tried to will away the pressure in my face, wanting to scream away the discomfort, tears leaked from my eye as my temple began to throb, Xemnas stood over me for a second before turning and walking back towards the couch, Before he even turned around to sit down though I was running out the door after slamming it shut, halfway falling down the steps, opening the door I ran outside, having no idea where I was going to run to till I ran into a person and their arms wrapped around to catch me before I could be knocked backwards.

"Woah, Rox," I knew that voice, it was Axel, "You okay?" quickly I nodded my head, wanting to get rid of the tears I knew were welding in my eyes- glad that it would be difficult for Axel to see them, but he held me for a second, "You're shaking," he stated, he turned around but kept his hold on me, "Come on… let's go to my place," I really wanted to cut… and never stop.

_**I know I said in the last chapter that I wouldn't do daily updates... but heyy- why not? xD **_

_**Oh the drama...**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews and sorry if I haven't responded- just know I always read them and I always appreciate them :DD**_

_**Oh, and I was going to put this in the last chapters author note, but I think the universe is out to get me o.o I gave Roxas a colicky nephew and yesterday when I went over to watch my niece- who's 3 almost 4 months and who I'm kind of basing Ventus' development on- would NOT STOP CRYING! She screamed for almost an hour straight- and it was awful D: not only did she scream for that hour but then she screamed after that too and she wouldn't till I put on the movie The Cabin in the Woods xD she jumped and started crying more at the title sequence but then she stopped and was fine. I guess she was crying because of the heat and she just got 8 shots two days ago... I feel bad for Ella but it was like the little butt was giving me payback for the shit I did to Roxas. xD I'd rather not have that happen again.**_

_**Anyway...**_

_**Uploaded: June 27, 2013**_


	24. Chapter 24: Another Development

Axel had his arm over my shoulder the entire time and it was like he was trying to keep me from falling, and as we walked that was probably for the better. My heart was still beating erratically, I wanted to run- I wanted to cut, I wanted to block everything out till I could handle it on my own but Axel wouldn't let go of me and was practically dragging me. My nails dug into my palms- I didn't need to be a bother to Axel any more than I already had, he didn't care and I was able to see that now. I stopped in my tracks, pushing out of Axel's grasp, he looked at me in surprise and then that concerned look took over his face, I couldn't handle that- not right now.

"No, no, no, no," I started mumbling over and over again, dropping so my knees were against my chest while my hands shot up to clutch at the side of my head. My skull throbbed from where Xemnas had punched me, my throat burned from my yelling, my heart hurt at my uselessness, my ears burned with words that Xemnas had said over and over again, and I just couldn't handle any more than I already had to deal with. I couldn't handle Axel's fake caring on top of that.

I just needed to get away.

To shut everything up inside my head, I tried to rub my eyes off on my knees but the lightest pressure against my eye hurt worse than I thought. So the tears were about to fall- of course they were, that's all I was ever good for, crying and complaining about how much I hated my life, just like Xemnas said. But I didn't want to drag everyone down with me, I just wanted to be by myself, I just wanted to push everything away and not care anymore. The suspense of what the hollowness would grow to was too much- I wish it'd just swallow me whole already and leave it at that, I didn't want to face this anymore, I couldn't, I just couldn't. The guilt and these feelings were too much and if they stayed in my head much longer _I_ wouldn't _be_ much longer.

My fingers began to pull at my hair, trying to calm everything down so I could curl up in my own little world- so I could push Xemnas' voice away, but something gently grabbed my wrist and the sudden contact pulled me from my mind, startled I looked up to find Axel crouching down in front of me, that concerned look on his face while tears ran down my own, he held my wrist inches from my head and started to whisper, "Hey…" his tone was light and quiet, "Rox… it's fine… everything's okay…" slowly I started to shake my head- no, everything was not okay and he was doing it again! My mind was doing it again. I wanted to pretend everything was just fine, my crying picked up again the longer I stared at Axel, I wanted to be happy and I wanted to pretend someone cared- but nobody deserved me to dump my problems on them- I didn't deserve someone to care about me.

Everything Xemnas had said I'd been able to push away- because, well, because Axel wasn't around, because he only acted how I wanted him to act in my memory and thoughts, but now that he was back I could see how Xemnas was right, I could see how no one would ever care for me. "Rox… come on… let's get inside, where it's warm…" he gently grabbed a hold of my hand but I didn't try to stand up, I didn't bother to, he pulled but I pulled back- falling into the freezing snow but still not bothering to move. Axel quickly moved and placed his hand under my arm and lifted me up, half carrying me half dragging me towards his house- which was only a few houses down now.

"Come on…" he said gently again, I tried to be stubborn, I tried to make it seem like I didn't want him to care but he dragged me up the few steps and into his house, he sat me on the couch and left, I curled up as best as I could to get back any warmth and comfort I could find. Tears poured down my face leaving warm trails while my lungs choked on now warm air compared to the freezing air outside. Leaning forward while my elbows rested on my knees and my hands folded behind my head like a cradle, I tried to silence my cries, I heard Axel talking again, "Come on Rox… upstairs…" he was being gentle again and he grabbed my hand, pulling me with a small amount of force, shaking my head Axel was silent for a second and stopped pulling on my arm.

"Rox… if you don't stand I'll just carry you upstairs," he said quietly while he was crouched down in front of me, I shook my head again- I knew he wouldn't even try to carry me. And then I felt him trying to carry me, he picked me up like I was a baby and cradled me in his arms, he moved to the steps and when I felt him take the first step I struggled more to get out of his grasp, "Stop," I said clearly, "I can myself…" I mumbled afterwards, wiping the tears from my eyes as he set me down, I stood there continuing to wipe my eyes- stalling as long as I could till Axel told me he'd pick me up again, when he moved to do so I started going up the stairs.

Once we were at the top Axel's hand was placed on my lower back as he led me to his room, he opened his bedroom door and made me walk in first, after shutting the door and made me sit on his bed then he went over to his clothes that were messily around a basket and started to go through them. He came back over to me with a pair of black sweat pants and a black beater, "Your clothes are wet from the snow…" his voice was kind and I knew that it really wasn't, I knew he really couldn't give two shits about me- I just had to keep telling myself this. "I'm fine…" I tried to sound like I wasn't crying at all, when I didn't take the clothes Axel sat them on the bed next to me, "Rox…" he started and then sighed, "I'm not going to know what's wrong till you tell me…"

"Nothing's wrong," I said quietly but Axel didn't seem to believe that, "Something obviously isn't okay with you, why won't you tell me what's wrong?" "Because it's none of your business!" I shot back, tears welding in my eyes again, I was a little shocked when Axel raised his voice back, "It is to my damn business!" "No it's not!" I quickly recovered but he had a response to that too, "How the hell isn't it?" and I didn't even think about it before I shouted it, "It's not like _you_ give a shit about me!" once I said it I didn't regret it, I knew Axel didn't give a shit and it was about time he knew that I knew, his face was surprised and he didn't say anything.

He quickly moved and crouched down in front of me again, tears were welding in my eyes again but I was trying to come off as angry- even if it was in a weak form, he rested his hands on the bed on each side of me, "Roxas," he started, his voice wasn't a yell anymore but it definitely wasn't a whisper, "Why would you think I don't care about you?" I sniffled and responded- probably sounding like a 5 year old, "Because it's true," "No it's not, Roxas- I'm always worried about you-," "I can handle everything myself!" I cut in, "So there's no need to worry Axel," I added, trying to stand up but only being moved back down by Axel. "Roxas, of course I'm going to worry, because I care about you, I don't want to know bad things are happening to you and I hate that I can't do anything about it," I wiped my tears off on my sleeve, shaking my head.

No, he could- he could go punch Xemnas, he could protect me, he was strong enough to, Xemnas even knew that, "What is it?" he asked, wiping away the tears on my other cheek with his hoodie sleeve, "You could beat Xemnas up," Axel looked like he wanted to smile at first but I wasn't joking and he quickly caught on, "That wouldn't show that I cared Rox…" shaking my head I spoke again without thinking, "Xemnas told me if you actually cared you would do something… you would hurt him- but you haven't…" "So you think I don't care?" he asked and I nodded my head, Axel shook his head and stared at me for a few seconds, "Roxas… what else has Xemnas been telling you?"

Shaking my head was my response; I didn't want to quote everything Xemnas had said to me for a few reasons but mostly because I didn't want Axel to know the complete truth about everything. "Roxas tell me," he shifted his weight and asked again when I didn't respond, so I spoke, without thinking, again, "I don't want you to know," he was silent for a second before he replied, "Nothing you tell me is going to change how I see you Rox, I promise, because I _do_ care about you." I rolled my eyes like he was a naïve child, "Rox… what else did he tell you?" "He's told me a lot- what's it matter?" I wiped my eyes again to stop any more tears from falling down my face, "Like what?" he asked.

He wasn't going to drop it, and when I thought he might possibly- he asked again, and again, and again so I finally told him. "Nothing I didn't already know!" Axel seemed a little shocked but I kept speaking. "I'm pathetic and worthless, I get in everybody's way and I never do anything but complain and cry about 'how horrible my life is'," I quoted him using that awful tone that was only ever actually used when someone else is retelling the story, "That's the reason my father left- because I was just one more person that he couldn't stand to be around, that's why my mother is always hurting and turning to drugs- because I fuck up," I choked on the air, wiping my cheek free of tears, "I can't ever do anything fucking right and I ruin everything for her- I couldn't even help with Ventus! How fucking worthless must I be to sit and let an infant cry and scream for over an hour?" I questioned a sick laugh in my voice.

"So no Axel- I don't think you care because I know you're not an idiot," I stared him straight in the eye, "There's no reason for someone like you to care about someone as worthless and pathetic as me," Axel was quiet for a second then he wiped the tears from my cheeks and asked me, "That's not true Rox… I don't know why he would think to call you that-," "Because it's true," I cut him off and then added, "I labeled myself it- why shouldn't he call me it?" Axel was quiet for a second and then his eyes widened and he slowly shook his head, "Rox, please tell me you didn't," and I realized where I fucked up.

Before I could move away from him he had a hold on my wrist- where the newer word was written, the one he hadn't seen yet. I yanked my arm back and away from him, falling back on the bed in the process but Axel just followed me and was sitting on the bed next to me as he tried to pull my sleeve up and I tried to get away from him.

"Rox- let, me, see," he said between struggles, he pulled my arm but I rolled away, going to stand up and run out the door but I felt his weight on me before I could stand up. I was lying face down on the bed and Axel was sitting on my back, my other arm was pinned under my body and I couldn't pull it free. I struggled with Axel- jerking my arm in every direction to get free of his hold but he managed to pull my sleeve up and then he kneeled on the bed and took his weight off me but it caught me off guard so I couldn't react.

He quickly flipped me over so I was facing him and then he looked at the inside of my arm, his eyes scanned over the word 'Worthless' written there while I tried to breathe in oxygen for my aching lungs, his eyes stayed fixated on it for a few seconds before he used his free hand. He placed his free hand on my wrist and slowly traced his fingers down the letters, "Rox…" his voice was a whisper, "Why would you do this?" I didn't bother to answer him, I just turned my head and looked away, he looked like he was going to cry and I couldn't see that when I wanted to cry myself.

Axel's weight shifted as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against the side of my head, "Roxas…" he said sadly, I wanted to curl away from him, I wanted to curl up into a ball and never be seen by the rays of light again. Choking on my breath and tears Axel stayed like that, his hand held my wrist while his thumb brushed over the scars; Axel kissed my temple but made no move to get off me. Again I was crying- just like I always did, I tried to make my cries silent but that only made them louder it seemed. Axel's free hand moved to cup my cheek while turning my head so I'd be looking straight up, but Axel kept his face next to mine and instead just pushed his forehead into the space on the bed next to my head.

I hated crying- I hated how I couldn't make myself stop, and I hated how I couldn't control myself or anything around me. Axel's thumbs brushed my cheek and my wrist as he silently sat on me, and that only made me want to cry more, "I'm sorry," I choked out, Axel shook his head but otherwise stayed silent, I weakly pulled my arm free of his grasp as Axel sat up a little, I rubbed my eyes and laughed at myself while hiding the pain in my head, "See?" I asked, a humorous tone still in my voice, "All I ever do is cry," This is why Xemnas was right.

I didn't matter how much I hated Xemnas, because he was around in the past year more than my father, he was always right, and he could see things that I was too stupid to. Going to sit up I was stopped because Axel was still sitting on me, "It's okay to cry Roxas-," "No it's not- it's all I ever do," I swallowed the rest of my tears before I continued speaking, "I hate it- but it's not like it matters because I'll still complain and cry about every little fucking thing," Axel was just watching me as I tried to find a dry part of my sleeve to wipe my eyes off on, "I have to go…" still Axel was silent, I went to sit up again but he didn't move, he shook his head with a frown on his face, and instantly I was afraid that Axel was angry at me.

"I'm sorry," I quickly said, hoping he wouldn't be any more mad at me than he seemed, "For wasting your time, I'm sorry- I don't know what's wrong with me," his anger didn't go anywhere and I was trying to think of more to say to apologize but I didn't want to sound like I was whining and I didn't want to bother him more than I could tell I already had. Why couldn't I just be normal and get the fuck over things? No, I had to create more problems and complain- that's why I didn't want to tell Axel because I knew he'd understand what Xemnas was saying I knew he'd hate me just as much as Xemnas.

Slowly I shook my head, hating how weak I know I looked, "I'm sorry," I tried to start again but it looked like it was too late, the anger that was clearly visible on Axel's face didn't disappear as he grabbed a hold of my wrists and leaned forward, pinning my arms above my head. Xemnas did this all the time when he wanted to tell me just how pathetic and worthless I was- I was stupid for never expecting it but of course now Axel would do it, why wouldn't he?

"You're not worthless Rox," he finally said, his face still set hard, I stopped breathing for a moment, waiting for him to continue- hating that I knew I was worse than worthless but not wanting to admit it to myself. "You're not," my eyes had drifted down to stare at some part of Axel that wasn't his face but the strain on his voice made me look up to see the anger was gone and instead he looked upset. "And you're not pathetic," he looked like he was going to cry- which was something I'd never seen on Axel's face before. "Xemnas is cruel to ever even think that- because, Rox, you are so much better than he could ever see," "What?" I mouthed but no sound came out, Axel actually thought I was better than that?

Axel rested his forehead against my own, "You are Rox- you're so much better than any of that, it's a shame Xemnas and your mother can't see that," sniffling was my only response, the hollowness I felt in my chest and body retracted a little- if only a millimeter, "It's a shame you can't," he added, my eyes watered making everything blurry but the tears never fell- I wouldn't let them. Axel let go of my wrists and placed his hands on the sides of my head, he muttered something but I couldn't make it out, he pulled away and looked at me for a second before standing up.

"Change your clothes… and then we'll go to bed…" his voice was mellow and his tone was sad, he left the room and I silently did as I was told. A little while later he knocked but I didn't say anything, he walked in anyways, "Lay down," he stood by the light and I slowly climbed up on the bed and got under the covers, sitting up still, he flicked off the lights and a few seconds later he was laying down next to me, he pulled me down and against his chest, holding me there tightly- the only thing between me and his chest was our shirts and hands that were crossed across my chest.

I wanted Axel to be right- I wanted to be more than the waste of life I knew I was, but all I could hear was Xemnas yelling in my head and feel the way his cold hands touched me- that alone was enough to make me nothing but trash, but yet Axel thought I was better? Oh how I wished it was true…

Xemnas stood over me, I had decided not to go to school and instead sleep all day in bed- I had a few hours before I had to be at Rikku's to watch Ventus but I knew it was always better to leave early, incase Xemnas wanted to give me shit, and it seemed like today was just another day. "Where do you think you're going?" he asked, shoving me back from the door and shutting it, locking it once it slammed into place, "You going to hang out with that little fucker?" he added, of course I wasn't- Axel had been gone over a month now, but I wasn't going to tell Xemnas that.

"Why the hell does it matter?" so I might have been a little smart mouthed but Xemnas was pushing more of my buttons so I was going to push some of his back. "Don't you fucking talk back to me," he shoved me harder and I fell on my ass as my hands shot back to catch part of me, I looked up at him and quickly shot back a response as I tried to stand up, "Why the hell not, you're not my fucking father," he shoved me down again- Xemnas had brought up so much about my father that not a day went by that we didn't _discuss_ him. "Why the hell would I want to be a prick like him?" he was walking closer to me but there really wasn't any more room for him to stand in so I was forced to back up.

"Shut up," I snapped back, tired of his constant shit, but he was quick to grab me by my collar once I had nowhere to back up to- he picked me up and slammed me against the wall, "Don't tell me what to do boy," he started, he tipped his head back and stared down at me, looking at me like I was an insect, he weakly laughed before he continued talking, "Why the hell would I want to be your father?" I tried to pull his hand away from collar but he didn't budge, "Come on Roxas, hit me," that caught me off guard.

"Hit me, right here," he pointed to his cheek but I was frozen, "Come on," he said in a harsher voice, "Come on Roxas! I thought you hated me? How about you fucking man up and actually do something for once in your life!" he shouted in my face, but then his voice dropped and he had even more effect on me. I couldn't hit him- I wanted to, I wanted to punch him and keep punching him and never stop and beat the life out of him, I wanted to hurt him and I knew I could never get enough of it, but I was frozen. I couldn't move, I couldn't even curl my hand into a fist, I couldn't even breathe in- I was stuck, staring at his cheek and his eyes, panic running through me for no reason that I could place.

"You're not even a man," his voice was calm, he slowly leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "You… are… so… pathetic…" then he pulled away and stared at me after a few seconds and I all I wanted to do was curl up. But I couldn't move, every time he looked at me all I could feel was that disgusted glance he had like I was nothing more than a worthless ant to him. He pulled me off the wall but pushed me into my room, I tried to catch myself but once I thought I had my balance he pushed me forward again, I turned and stared at him, but he only frowned. "What're you doing?" his voice was casual.

"Do you think you can actually stand up to me?" he shoved me and I had to catch myself on my bed, but I stood back up and stared at him again, "You wanna be a man now Roxas?" he asked in a harsh voice, he shoved me again but all I did was stand back up and continue to glare, then he stopped and he smiled. "Fine… I'll treat you like a man," and he punched me hard across my face, sending me crashing into my bed, bouncing off the furniture from the force, but he was quick to grab my hair and pull me, I thought he was pulling me to my feet but he only pulled me to throw me against the other wall.

Xemnas kicked me in the ribs, knocking the wind out of me and for a few seconds breathing seemed like an option- and I didn't want it, I couldn't bring any air back in till he grabbed my hair again and pulled me to be sitting up. Through my hiss of pain Xemnas spoke, "Don't like it so much now, do you?" when I didn't respond he threw me forward and onto the bed face first, "Shame," I rolled over to look at him, "I was looking forward to a fight," and then I was pinned and it didn't matter how I struggled because he wasn't letting go of me.

Twisting and turning to try and get away got me nowhere but hit more and yelled at more, I was too weak to fight back, I was too weak to even attempt to, and it _hurt_. Not only was Xemnas mentally ruining and torturing me on his own, but he was also turning myself against me. My brain thought, "God Roxas, why can't you just man up? Why can't you fight back? He gave you a chance but you were too afraid to take it, god you're pathetic- you brought this on yourself."

I knew this was all a memory- somewhere in my mind I knew that, but my heart was speeding up and my body was reacting to the pain and hurt, I was just too far in sleep to notice. But Axel did- I know because he woke me up, shaking me awake and away from the hollowness that was eating me alive in my dream. "Roxas!" he quietly yelled, "Are you okay?" tears were welding in my eyes as my body was soaked in sweat, I nodded my head and then quickly hid my face, not wanting to be seen by Axel. "It was just a dream," his voice was quiet and gentle, shaking my head Axel made a questioning sound so I let out a troubled sigh and quietly told him, "I was just remembering something… I'm sorry," he froze and then I felt something press against my shoulder.

Turning I looked at Axel, he was kissing my shoulder, his eyes were closed but his eye brows showed he wasn't exactly happy, "Come on," he sat up and was off the bed, "We're leaving," he continued to say. I sat up and looked at him, he through my hoodie on the bed next to me, I grabbed it and felt that it was now clean- Axel must have done my laundry. "Where we going?" I asked but he didn't answer, "Just hurry up and get ready," he mumbled, he was moving like he was on a mission- half of me like that, but another part of me was afraid.

**_I planned on uploading this yesterday but I got distracted by a card game that started at 8- we didn't finish said card game but decided to put it up at 1 am... and then I remembered this chapter... and then I was told I had to watch Warm Bodies- which is an awesome movie, so my friend could go to sleep... sooooo it's 4:02 in the morning- but I got another chapter up! And that's what counts, right_**?

_**I feel like I should babble less in author notes...**_

_**Anyway... thanks for the reviews for the last chapter :3**_

_**Uploaded: June 29th, 2013**_


	25. Chapter 25: Another Persistence

My pants weren't thrown towards me so I didn't bother to change from Axel's sweatpants, instead I found my now clean socks and put on my shoes, as quickly as I could because Axel was standing by the door watching me with a blank look. It wasn't completely blank- I could tell there was some other emotion being shown but I couldn't get past the watching and frowning. Slowly I walked over to him and he just slowly tipped his head down as I got closer, his eyes staying on mine, I stopped next to him but he didn't start moving- or saying, anything, he just continued to look at me.

"Where're we going?" again I asked, my voice was quiet and I couldn't really lie and say I wasn't nervous because he seemed so… set, on whatever it was he was thinking- but the thing is, he didn't seem all that happy so what he was 'set' on couldn't be much better. Slowly his head started to nod, at first it looked like he was just rocking or something but then he quickly turned around and opened the door, racing down the stairs, he didn't even say goodbye to his foster mom- which I could tell was a no-no. I followed him but at a slower rate, it was just because I wanted to watch him at first, but then my short ass legs couldn't move me faster, Axel stopped at a corner and turned back to look at me.

Quickly I caught my breath, I was huffing a little because I practically had to run to keep up with him, not to mention the cold air on my lungs didn't much help, he raised a brow to me as if to ask if I was okay, I nodded my head and he crossed the road, his hand reached into my hoodie pocket to find my hand and his grip was tighter than I think he meant for it to be. "Ax… where're we going?" of course I knew where we were, this is the same route we take every time to get to my house from his, we were even at the point now where it was how I got back from Rikku's, but still he didn't answer.

"Ax…?" asking again still gave me no answers, I didn't want to push it after that, instead I looked up at the cold sky, the sun was up so I clearly wasn't morning, but it wasn't afternoon yet- somewhere in between. And then I saw the apartment, my mother's beat up car parked out front, I quickly looked to Axel who was still partially in front of me so I couldn't read his face, but he didn't stop walking or even falter for a second. "Ax, wait," my voice was revealing my panic, I didn't know what Axel was doing but we were at the bottom of the stairs and Axel was trying to pull me up them.

He quickly turned around and look at me but I spoke up before he could, "What're you doing?" my face showed my concern but Axel didn't even falter, "I'm gonna give Xemnas a piece of my mind," he quietly said back, and it scared me just as much as if would've if he yelled it. "No," I quickly pulled on his arm because he had turned around to start going up the stairs, he turned back to look at me but was silent, so I continued, "Please don't start anything," I quickly said. Axel's face didn't change in the least, but instead he continued to stare, "Ax… just… come on," weakly I pulled on his arm, trying to get him to walk back down the step he had risen to and for him to just walk back out the doors, but he didn't budge.

"Rox," he was looking at me with that stare and I realized it wasn't blank, it was more like determined, "This has to stop," he spoke slowly like he was trying to calm down a child who had just thrown a tantrum, but out of the two of us- I think I was way more calm. "It's fine, let's just go…" I tried to pull his arm again and to my surprise he actually moved, but not how I wanted him to. He came closer to me, and I felt awful for it- but I flinched when he brought his hands up, he placed his hands on the sides of my face and tipped my head back, he'd also managed to gently push me into the wall, "Roxas…" his voice was quiet even though his face was probably not even an inch from mine, he raised his eyebrows as he spoke like he was trying to get his point across.

"This is _going_ to stop," he said again and I started to shake my head, I mumbled his name, begging him to just walk back with me to his place but he continued talking. "Xemnas needs to get out," no sooner had I got the word, 'but,' out of my mouth had Axel started speaking again, "Of the apartment, of your life… he needs to get out of your head… what he's doing isn't okay Rox," and before I could say anything he turned and ran up the stairs.

I watched him skip steps from my spot leaning against the wall, he pushed the door open and was now gone from my point of view. Axel must have cared… right? That's why he was willing to do this, to show he cared? This couldn't be fake or just my imagination… and then I heard Xemnas shout and I was snapped out of my head and ran up the stairs as fast as I could. Opening the door I looked over to find Xemnas still sitting on the couch, Axel standing in front of him with his back to me, but I watched from the doorway, standing next to the now shut door. Axel shouted at Xemnas and _I_ flinched, I'd never heard Axel's voice sound so angry, Xemnas had a stupid smile on his face.

"You need to stay the hell away from Roxas!" Axel shouted, causing Xemnas to just smile as he said, "And how should I do that? He lives with me," "He lives with his mother! Not you." Axel cut him off, Xemnas' smile turned into a frown when he spoke next, "How could he live with a woman that's never around!" Xemnas stood up and I took a step back and pushed further into the wall, Xemnas continued to shout, "I'm the only one keeping the fucking brat from being on the streets, what the fuck have you done?" Axel was quick to shout a reply, "I haven't fucked with him or his head!" Axel shoved Xemnas back, succeeding in moving the man back a little, "You leave Roxas the fuck alone," "Or what?" Xemnas had that teasing sound in his voice- he wasn't completely angry yet, he was amused and I knew if Axel kept this up Xemnas was going to snap and then things would go bad.

Axel grabbed Xemnas by the collar of his shirt and pulled him close, he hissed something in Xemnas' face but I couldn't hear it, Xemnas did _not_ look happy though. Xemnas pushed Axel back but Axel was the one to yell first, "You touch him _one_ more time!" he was pointing at Xemnas, "And I'll end you!" Xemnas smiled when he replied, "He's mine, I can do whatever the fuck I want with him," that hollow feeling inside me was sloshing around like water- I couldn't tell if this was going better for me or worse. Suddenly Axel grabbed Xemnas by the collar of his shirt and spun him around, charging him into the wall the TV was on, meaning they were no longer in my view, but I could still hear Axel shouting in what I assumed was Xemnas' face.

"Roxas isn't _yours_! He's not a damn toy!" and then Axel was shoved back and I could see him again, Xemnas spoke up, "Boy, you better watch yourself," he warned and then he continued to talk, "I'm not in the mood to deal with more shit from a crying pussy," he shoved Axel again and this time Axel was forced down onto the couch, Xemnas pinning him there and hissing in his face as Axel twitched and jerked to get away and hurt Xemnas, "You're not strong enough," I heard him hiss, but what he said after that I couldn't make out. He stood up and moved towards me, I backed away a little but Xemnas reached for the doorknob.

Looking at his hand I followed it up to find Xemnas staring at me with a glare that said he wanted to kill me. Biting at the inside of my lip I tried not to back up more, I tried to stay where I was standing and not show Xemnas that I was scared shitless. And then the next thing I knew there was a strong pressure holding my cheeks and that same pressure was tipping my head back and picking me up a little, Xemnas pressed his lips against mine while I pushed against his chest and used my feet to try and back away. "You're mine," he hissed into my lips, "And you will be punished for this," then he was using that same hand that was holding my face to push me. Falling to the ground I slid back on the cheap linoleum floor, only able to catch myself on my elbow while my other hand was up to wipe my lips clean and then I noticed Axel, at about the same time Xemnas did.

Axel ran and charged his shoulder into Xemnas' side and back, running till Xemnas was pushed into the wall, Xemnas whipped around with his fist but Axel quickly backed away and then used his own fist and I was left shocked. Axel just punched Xemnas across the face… and Xemnas actually looked hurt by it, till he raised his own fist again and I was terrified for Axel's safety, and then I heard a shout behind me. "What the fuck do you think you're doing!" my mother shouted, I turned around to see her coming out of her bedroom, alcohol bottle in hand, Axel froze but Xemnas just turned and stared at my mother like he was tired of her. "Shut the fuck up," Xemnas said plainly, he went to go back to punch Axel but Axel quickly ducked, not because of Xemnas but because of my mother.

That alcohol bottle that was in my mother's hand was no longer in my mother's hand, it was chucked in Xemnas' and Axel's direction, Axel was the only who ducked though, it whizzed by Xemnas' face and smashed against the wall by my bedroom door, "Don't you fucking talk to me like that!" my mother screamed, and Xemnas was the one to shout back, "I'll talk to you however the fuck I want!" and in the calm part of my mind- which was very small- a little voice was just like, "Hey… yeah, hi... I'm just sitting here… halfway laying down… and you're both just shouting over top me… I should probably move," but no sooner had I tried to sit up had Xemnas pointed at me, "Don't fucking move," which caused my mother to shout again.

"Don't talk to my son like that either!" my mother's voice was tired even though she was shouting, and then she looked over at Axel, "What the hell are you doing here?" her voice was a little calmer but Axel wasn't the one to answer, Xemnas was, "Your sons talking shit again," Xemnas' voice was harsh and I instantly wanted to yell that it wasn't shit, but my mother spoke next, "Axel, go the fuck outside," she sighed but didn't even give Axel a second glance, "I'm not leaving without Roxas," he said, and the calm part of me awed at his statement while the rest of me was, well, panicking.

And then I felt my mother grabbing me by my hair which forced me to my feet and then she shoved me towards Axel, "Take him! Get the fuck out of my house! All of you! I'm fucking done with this shit!" she turned and went into her room, Xemnas quickly shouted as he pushed me back into a wall and pushed Axel on the other side on his way to the door, "Fucking bitch!" he shouted and then he slammed the door and left, I heard something smash from my mother's room and I turned to look at her door, I wanted to go down and say something, to do something to make it seem less bad than it all was, but Axel grabbed my hand and pulled me into my room, he grabbed my backpack and started to put clothes in it while I just stood there watching.

Then he zipped the bag shut and on his way out of the bedroom he grabbed my arm and pulled me along, he pulled me down the stairs, and out into the parking lot, and halfway to his house but then I pulled my arm free, almost falling in snow yet again. Axel turned to grab my arm again but I pulled it back and took a few steps back, "Just- stop, stop it," my voice wasn't a shout but it was definitely about the level it should've been. But he didn't, he grabbed my arm again anyway and pulled me, I gasped in pain but I don't think Axel heard it, I tried to pull away without falling the rest of the walk to his place, dragging my feet as much as I could, we got to his house and went straight upstairs, he opened his bedroom door and pushed me in, slamming it behind him, he threw my stuff to the floor and started to pace, "You can stay here," he grumbled out, I watched him pace more and then he just shook his head and left out of the door while I continued to just stand there.

I don't know what was wrong with Axel at the moment- but I didn't like it. I kicked my shoes off and quickly laid in the bed, lying as close to the wall as I could while taking up all the blankets as a hint that I was pissed at everyone- including Axel.

As I laid there my arm hurt- oh a lot of things hurt at the moment, but my arm hurting was the only thing that got to me. My arm hurt because of where Axel had grabbed me, but hey- what do I have to complain about? Axel just went and risked his own wellbeing to stand up for mine… I was upset at Axel but I was more angry at myself for being upset than I was actually being upset. And then I heard the door open and close, I knew it was Axel because no one else ever came in his room, so I tried not to move or even seem I was in the room.

"Are you sleeping?" his voice was calm, "I not upset with him, I'm just angry at myself," I had to keep thinking, I shook my head, he sighed and sat on the bed, "I didn't think it would go like that…" he mumbled, "I mean… I knew it wasn't going to go good… I just… didn't think it would go like that…" he was silent when I didn't reply, "Are you okay?" he asked, so I nodded my head. My eyes were closed even though I wasn't tired at all and my back was to Axel but I could still feel him watching me. "What's wrong?" I shook my head to answer his question, nothing was wrong- I was just pissed at myself.

"Listen…" his voice was a bit quiet, "Everything's going to be fine… okay?" nodding my head was my response, and all Axel did was sigh at it. I flinched when I felt Axel's hand on my back and shoulder, he was brushing his thumb back and forth and the anger inside me rose more knowing I just flinched and that he probably realized it. "You're still wearing your hoodie…" he said, "That can't be comfortable to lay in," and in truth it wasn't that bad, it was only uncomfortable if I was rolling around, but I wasn't so it was fine, "Come on," he patted my thigh, "I'll put your hoodie over here next to the bed," I didn't want to, I wanted to stay wrapped in my hoodie but that was just the upset part of me, so after a few seconds I unzipped my hoodie and slid out of it, Axel grabbed it by the hood and pulled it, I heard the zipper chime as it hit the floor, but by the time I could feel Axel's eyes on me I was curled up with the blanket wrapped tight around me.

"What's wrong Rox?" again I shook my head, "Something is, you can talk to me Rox… you know that…" yeah of course I did, Axel was the only one ever willing to listen to me, but that didn't mean I was going to dump all my emotional fights on him, he'd try to do enough already. "Rox, please look at me," but I didn't want to. I didn't like this angry Axel, I just wanted the one I knew and loved back… which was just awful. You can't just love someone because of a mood they have, I wanted Axel to be caring and kind and sarcastic like he always was, but I wasn't willing to deal with the negative emotions? I turned and opened my eyes, looking at the wall in the direction of my feet.

"Hey…" he placed his hand on the side of my face, cupping my cheek, but I flinched and quickly closed my eyes, not wanting to see his face when he saw me flinch away from him. I needed to get over all this- I wasn't tired but I wanted to go to sleep, maybe I'd wake up better. Quickly I rolled over to be on my stomach, face down in the pillow with the blanket covering arms at the sides of my head. He let out a sigh but I didn't say anything, I didn't move, "Rox…" when I made no move he pulled the blanket back, he grabbed a hold of my upper arm and started to lift up like he was trying to roll me over, but I flinched and jumped over closer to the wall and further from him.

His hand had closed around my arm like it had before and my flesh was still sore, my hand move to cup the spot he had grabbed in hopes of holding and comforting away the pain and discomfort. There was no blanket to hide this action, meaning Axel was watching me hold my upper arm and he slowly pulled my fingers away, he gasped, "Who gave you this bruise?" his voice was a little harsh but I just sat up a bit and looked at my arm. And it was one hell of a bruise, dark purple spots that I knew where bruises from the tips of fingers along with a line like bruise from a thumb, the bruise was dark purple but it was surrounded with small splotches of red.

"Roxas, tell me," and I couldn't help but snap back a response, "You should know- you did it," and once I said it I regretted it, I dropped my face back into the pillow, shaking my head no as an apology, till I found the blanket with my hand and pulled it up, I curled against the wall again and with my back to Axel. Maybe that was a pet peeve I had, I hated it when people hurt me but never understood or noticed that they did- which is probably another reason I don't like Xemnas. Axel was silent for a little while and I don't know what I expected but he eventually stood up off the bed and walked out of the room, he shut the door so quietly I barely even heard it. I should've just said it was Xemnas or something…

Turns out even if you aren't tired- anger makes you want to sleep, I don't remember falling asleep but I remember waking up when I felt a hand on my arm, "Hey… Rox…" I opened my eyes at the sound of Axel's voice but I didn't move, it was dark in the room and I realized I slept for a lot longer than I meant to. "Rox… please, wake up," he begged, I rolled over a tiny bit, after a short fight in my mind, just to show that I was awake. I knew he couldn't see me because I couldn't see him, "Are you mad at me?" he asked and I froze, of course I wasn't mad at him, he didn't do anything wrong, he got angry after a fight what else was he supposed to do? "No…" I whispered when I realized he couldn't see my head shake, he let out a sigh, "You should be…" he whispered back, then he continued to speak, "Roxas- I'm so sorry… I didn't… I don't know… I was angry… I just wanted to get you back here and away from all that…" "I know…" I already knew all this, that's why I was pissed at myself for still being upset.

"You have every right to be angry at me… but I'll make it up to you… I promise… you don't have to forgive me right now, but… can I at least sleep next to you?" his voice was a whisper like he was afraid to make too much noise, he continued to speak, "I promise I'm not going to hurt you again…" "I know you won't…" I slowly replied, I moved my hand up to where he was still holding my shoulder and tugged a little, signaling to him that I wanted him to sleep next to me. He stood up and I wondered if he was leaving the room or something but right before I questioned his actions he was climbing into bed, he paused his actions though, "Can I… can I still hold you?" I turned over to face him and nodded- forgetting yet again that I'd have to speak, "Yeah…" he started to move again and his arms slowly and gently wrapped around my arms and I was pulled over to him, I realized he had no shirt on when my hands came in contact with skin instead of fabric.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly, I nodded my head- I knew he couldn't see it but this time he could feel it, "Are you mad at me?" I stopped to think about it, I shook my head. He was silent so I quietly spoke up, "I'm not mad… I'm just... hurt…" I'd never expected Axel to do something like that and I think that's why it hurt. I pressed my forehead against his chest and try to calm my thoughts, I wanted Axel to know that I didn't plan on staying like this towards him, that I'd get over it, "It's okay though…" I whispered, and I realized then that I had been sliding my loose fists against his chest like his thumb was doing on my back, I hadn't even realized I was doing it but I quickly stopped, "I'm more mad at myself about it…" my hand started to move again so I just decided to go with it.

Axel's thumb paused for a moment and the chest I was leaned against backed up a little like Axel had moved to look down at me, "What? Rox- there's no reason for you to be mad at yourself…" I shook my head, and tried to push away the uneasy feeling that was coursing through my veins and rocking in my stomach, "You were trying to help me… you were angry, I should've realized that… I shouldn't be hurt by it because I know you didn't mean to do it on purpose…" I could feel him nod his head and open his mouth to say something but I cut him off, "Can we just forget about it?"

"No," he said softly, "Roxas, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was hurting you- and that's really not okay… be as mad as you want, just…" he sighed, "We'll work through this Rox, all of it, okay?" slowly I nodded my head, moving my arms to wrap around him, hugging him tightly. I really hoped everything would turn out okay.

_**thanks for all the reviews :D and sorry for messing up the upload with the last chapter, Imma try not to do it this time around too xD**_

_**It's 10:20 pm and Imm about to go help make chicken wings**_

_**Upload: June 29, 2013**_


	26. Chapter 26: Another Observation

When Axel woke up to go to the bathroom the feeling of being alone woke me up, which wasn't as bad as I originally thought seeing as how the sun had already risen, I laid on his bed, sprawled out because it was hotter than hell in his room. A few minutes later Axel came back and sat on the bed next to me before laying down also, I looked up at him but I don't think he saw me staring because my looking was well placed with his yawn. "Gr…" I groaned, kicking the blanket off my feet, "Why's it so hot in here?" I asked as I kicked the blanket off the foot of the bed, Axel didn't want it either because he pushed it away before he was even laying down, Axel chuckled but provided no response.

As I laid in a beater and sweat pants with my arms up at the sides of my head I stared at the ceiling and wondered- but I wanted to know the answer so I asked, "Does it bother you?" and I realized he probably had no idea what I was talking about. "Huh?" he questioned, I lifted my hands like I was reaching for the ceiling but had the inside of my arms pointed so Axel and I could see the words and scars, "This?" I motioned with my hands. The words were scarred into my pale flesh with little dips like I had gouged my flesh out while the scars that wrapped around my wrists shined and bulged.

Axel took a deep breath like he was thinking before he slowly began talking, "In all honesty?" he asked and I nodded my head, he continued a second later. "It pisses me off," I hadn't expected that but I waited for him to finish talking. "I hate that you do that to yourself- I know it's not what I'm supposed to tell you if I want you to stop but I think it's bullshit." I continued to stare at my arms, I could understand why he wasn't supposed to say that to me- because now I felt like shit but I wanted to do it more. "I know you're not stupid Rox, you know it's bullshit- how would you feel if I was still doing that shit?" I dropped my arms to my sides, I'd be pissed and upset beyond belief.

He sighed, "I don't like seeing you get hurt, I hate knowing that not only does your mom and fuck face hurt you- you add to it and hurt yourself on top of that. I hate thinking of leaving you alone because I don't know how much you'll beat yourself up, and I hate feeling like I have to safety proof everything just so you don't hurt yourself more and get creative with what you hurt yourself with." Maybe he was still angry about yesterday because it seemed like there was a lot of anger still biting at him, but I let him continue talking. "Seeing those scars on your arms is just a reminder that I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And I don't want your hand to slip and suddenly you're dead…"

We sat in silence, since Axel was laying a little above me on the bed it was easy for him to maneuver so his hand could pull the bangs out of my face and continue to comb through my hair with his fingers, after a few minutes of said silence I turned and looked up at him. "How do you do it?" he raised an eyebrow so I rephrased my question, "How do you act so patient and caring to me when you're so pissed?" his gaze shifted lower and he seemed in deep thought for a few seconds before finally he spoke. "Because I care about you Rox, you know that, I don't want to fuck up and push you away… I still want to be around you."

I continued to watched him for a few seconds, his fingers still moving in my hair, before I turned to look back at the ceiling, I softly chuckled- thinking to myself, I shared my questioned with Axel a few seconds later, "I bet you didn't think you'd have to deal with all this when you talked to me the second day of school…" "Huh?" he questioned but I didn't brother to rephrase what I had said, he shifted on the bed a little and then he spoke, "The second day of school- my first day?" I nodded my head and he hummed in questioned before speaking again, "How did that lead to all this?" I was quiet for a second, thinking about how I wanted to phrase it.

"Well… you commented on my bracelets… and I don't know…" I really didn't know how to say it but Axel began talking, "So, because I complimented you on your bracelets you decided to open up to me?" he asked and I quickly shook my head, "No, it's not that you complimented me… it's just the way you said it, and the way you talked about your sister… I don't know… it was just something about you…" he chuckled when I stopped talking. I was confused a little but he answered my un-asked question, "So there _was_ something about me, but there's not now?" I rolled in my spot to be on my stomach, my elbows propping me up, I smiled, "Hmm… maybe- but it doesn't really matter, you're stuck with me?" he raised an eyebrow and all I could do was laugh a little.

"Oh really now?" he questioned, so I quickly nodded- because it was true, he was stuck with me even if he hated my guts because I knew there was no way I could ever hate him. He ruffled my hair and slightly pushed me in the process but after that we didn't say really anything. As I laid there I thought, and as my thoughts built on top of each other I had to voice them to Axel.

"I have to go back soon…" of course I expected Axel to react the way he did, which was him practically shouting out, "Why? So you can put yourself through more shit?" but I still had to go back so I continued speaking, "I have to go back at some point, what- you think I'd just stay here under your foster mom's roof? I can't stay with Rikku, and in case you didn't notice it's still freezing outside, being homeless really isn't an option." He was staring at me from his strange angle with his head propped up on all the pillows, he didn't even wait for me to finish speaking before he jumped in. "You _can_ move in with Rikku, you just won't and it makes no sense."

"I can't move in with her…" I mumbled, smoothing the sheet out under my hands rather than nervously picking at my nails. "You can Rox you're just choosing not to… is it because you don't want to ask? Because I'll ask for you, and you know she doesn't mind, she asks you every day if you want to move in, just say yes for once." Shaking my head the entire time he was speaking was the only way I could think of getting him to hurry up and stop talking so I could start but now I didn't really want to say it. "Because… I don't…" I mumbled the rest hoping he wouldn't hear, "What?" he questioned, so I mumbled it again, "Rox, you know I can't hear you… just tell me," so I did, very unceremoniously.

"Because I don't want to leave my mother," my voice was a little on edge, "Rikku said she'd take custody of me away from her, I don't want to kick her out of my life." Axel was slowly nodding but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He took a deep breath and slowly spoke, "You still have that phone I gave you?" nodding my head he continued, "Alright… when do you plan on going back?" "Probably tonight… I don't' want to wait too long…" he nodded his head again and stood up, I looked at him questioningly and waved me to follow him, "Let's get something to eat," I crawled off the bed and found his hoodie laying on the floor, mine wasn't in easy sight so I just slipped his on, zipping it up as I followed him out of his room.

Axel scavenged in the fridge and cupboards for a few minutes while I sat at the table, messing with the zipper of the hoodie, he finally found something but then decided against it. "Hold on," he questioned and when I nodded he left the room, he came back a few minutes later with a smile on his face, "Foods taken care of," I raised an eyebrow but he didn't tell me what he meant and he didn't tell me where said food was. "Wanna play a card game?" slowly I nodded my head.

Card games, I'm assuming, started to get listed off and I just kept shaking my head when Axel asked if I knew them, "I've never really played cards Axel… I mean, the most I've played is old maid and gold fish," he smiled and said, "I'll teach you a new one then," so I spent the next few minutes learning out to play 21, and then I found out I was a pro at it. I smiled in joy that Axel was losing so quickly, "Alright!" Axel scoped all the cards into his hands, "New card game, ever play Rummy?" shaking my head he began to teach me that game too. And when we played it we learned that I was also an expert at that card game, "I'm not even going to teach you Texas Hold 'Em, you'll probably kick my ass in that too," I couldn't stop smiling even though Axel was trying to act upset about losing, even though I could tell he wasn't really.

And then there was a knock on the door and I tensed up, what if it was Xemnas? What if he had followed Axel and I at some point and learned where Axel lived, Axel was lucky he didn't get in trouble for the fight the other day. But that's only because his foster mom didn't know about it, but if Xemnas was here then would I have to go with him? I mean, he's not related to me and I don't like him, so I have the right to just stay here, right? But what if he's just here to pick a fight with Axel, or to cause more problems? Axel was quick to get up and go to the door, meanwhile I tried to think of everything I could say or do that might help Axel if it was Xemnas, and then Axel walked back in a few seconds later with a box in hand.

Tipping my head to the side in question he answered, "Pizza," he smiled and I felt so stupid, paranoid really, he grabbed some plates out of the cupboard and sat them down next to the pizza box that sat on the corner, "Come get some pizza," he held out a plate for me and I quickly walked over, not wanting to wait for Axel's foster brother and his foster mom to come get their pizza too. I know it's probably the first time I've mentioned Axel's foster brother but he's not knew. Demyx, Axel's foster brother, actually goes to the same school as us, he was taken in when Axel was away for those three months, and he's actually the same age as Axel. We talk sometimes in school, but out of the two Axel's my favorite therefore he gets more of my time.

Demyx and their foster mom came and got some two before disappearing somewhere or another, and after Axel and I finished eating we joined Demyx in the living room to watch movies, when it started getting dark outside I decided I should go back. Changing my clothes before I left so Axel could have them back made walking outside even colder because the clothes weren't heated with my body heat, "Are you sure about this?" he asked me as we approached the apartment, I nodded my head, not really trusting to speak from both my uncertainty and the cold. "I'll see you in school?" he asked and I quickly nodded, that was right, I forgot all about school- on said note, it was Monday and we didn't go, but hey- who really cares? Rikku never even messaged me so she must have been fine with me not coming over to watch Ventus.

Walking up the stairs I froze at the top, pulling on the strap of my backpack for a second before I moved my hand, I didn't know if I should knock or just walk in, so I slowly turned the knob, quickly and quietly making my way inside in hopes of not alerting anyone of my presence. "Hey- Roxas?" turning on my heel I saw my mother peaking around the corner from the kitchen; she didn't seem all that mad- till she moved so she could stand straight and still glare at me. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked and I tried to quickly come up with an answer but she cut me off, "No- I don't want to hear it, get the fuck out," she pointed in the direction of the door and I gaped at her, "What?" I questioned in my head, "You heard me," she started speaking again, "You decide to not show up the one time I ask you to and then you bring your friend over and start a fight with _my_ boyfriend?" she was yelling now.

"I don't fucking think so!" she was still pointing, "Just because I'm your mother doesn't mean I'm going to baby you, you need to grow the fuck up Roxas because I really can't deal with your shit anymore," she stared at me still but I didn't move. She took a step towards me but I still didn't move, hoping she was being serious but she was, she opened the door and shoved me out, locking the door behind me. Slowly I walked down the steps, getting to the second to last one, it was way too cold for my liking even in the hallway let alone outside, I heard a door open and quickly looked up but it wasn't our apartment door, it was the downstairs neighbor who shared our stair door, "Roxas?"

She asked, she was the one my mother got the plastic plates and bowls from and the one my mother sent me to mooch stuff off from, she was actually really nice. "Oh… hi Tifa," I said carefully, forcing my tone to be that of a child who didn't just get kicked out, "Are you alright?" she asked anyway, I quickly nodded my head, "Yeah, I'm just fine…" she seemed a little skeptical so I added, "I'm just waiting for someone to show up," she nodded her head and I really prayed she didn't ask who because I wouldn't be able to give her any names.

Whenever Tifa was outside or her door was open, like when she was unloading groceries, she would always stop and ask me how I was. Obviously she could hear a lot of what happened upstairs but I guess the floor muffled out a lot of it, but she was still concerned, I told her I was a klutz and that my mother had a hearing problem- that's why she was always yelling. Tifa never really believed that either, but before she turned back into her place she told me if I needed anything to just knock, I smiled and she bid me a goodnight.

I leaned back, feeling more tired than ever as the time ticked by, I rested my head against my folded arms and soon dozed off, my phone had been my alarm clock for school since I broke my clock but the more I thought about it the more I decided- if my mother let me back in then I definitely wasn't going back school.

Sleep was anything but deep because I was too cold to stay asleep for too long , and then I felt something brushing the hair off my face, and then I heard a voice, "Roxas, wake up," that wasn't a voice I really wanted to hear when I was alone and half asleep. Sitting up a little, my body hurting from the hard stairs, I rubbed my eyes and looked up just to make sure it was who I thought it was- and of course it was, Xemnas grabbed under my arm and hoisted me to my feet, turning me and practically carrying me up the stairs, he pulled out a key and pushed me towards my room once the door was open.

I didn't bother taking my shoes off, as soon as I could I collapsed on my bed and pulled the blanket over me to at least cover my midsection and then I was out, there was no way in hell I was going to school today, I didn't even know what time it was but I really didn't care. After what felt like hours- but still not enough, of sleep my phone started buzzing, pulling it out of my pocket while still half asleep, I flipped it open and saw that I had a text from Axel. "Are you coming to school?" he asked, I really didn't want to tell him I spent most of the night _trying_ to sleep on cold ass stairs so I just typed a quick response, "No, I'm still really tired…" he texted back that he wanted me to text him when I woke up and then I was out.

Shouting was what woke me up, I listened at first, hearing my mother yelling, "Why the hell would you let him back in here after I kicked him out?" she shouted and Xemnas shouted back, "You act like he had somewhere else to go! You kicked your 17 year old son out to the streets in the middle of fucking winter! What would you have done if he went to Rikku? Huh?" My mother stuttered a response but Xemnas' voice over powered hers, "You would've fucking lost him! And then you would've been shit out of luck! You're lucky he stayed on the stairs- you need to get shit through your head and get your fucking act together!" there was more to the argument but I stopped paying attention. I could hear my mother continuing to shout and Xemnas shout even louder, but I was quick to go back to sleep.

A brief thought running through my mind- Xemnas hadn't actually _touched_ me before I called Rikku… and then after I told her and she went away Xemnas _was_ actually _touching_ me… when I tried to tell my mother it was like it got worse… so what was he going to do now when he knows I told Axel? It couldn't really get much worse I guess. Xemnas was fucked in the head but he wasn't a rapist or something, right? I didn't dwell on it too much longer because sleep was pulling me back, I put my phone under my pillow and quickly fell back asleep.

Something was rubbing my cheek, slowly pulling me from dreamland, "Huh?" I had been sleeping on my side so when I realized what was rubbing my cheek came from behind me I turned a bit and saw Xemnas sitting next to me on my bed. His hand now resting back on his lap, "Bout time you woke up," he had an impatient sound in his voice but it quickly turned into a half smirk, "Enjoy your beauty sleep," I really prayed this wouldn't get any worse.

_**So I could've uploaded this at around 6 this morning but I decided to add a little more to it instead... I've decided how I'm going to upload the chapters- it might be daily, it might be weekly, I'm going to upload a new chapter based on a certain number of views (a number I picked). Just to make sure some of you guys have actually had time to read the chapter, you know?**_

_**And since this story is drawing close to an end- *gasp* I know, it doesn't quite seem like it yet, but it's pretty close (dun-dun-dunnnn)- I'd figured I'd post a preview for the next story I'm going to type. If you read my "I Tried So Hard," story then you've seen it before, if you haven't then it'll be new to you :3. It's Axel and Roxas again, but it'll be split between the two's Point of View for each chapter- sometimes multiple times, so for this preview (the same as the other's- plus another paragraph) I'll show only the prologue in Roxas' POV, k?**_

Cigarette Burns:

I was singing quietly to myself, "No one knows what it's like… to be the bad man… to be the sad man… behind blue eyes…," I rolled over on the heated carpet so I was now lying flat on my back- staring at the yellowish white ceiling, "And no one knows what it's like to be hated… to be fated- to telling only lies," My voice stopped as I heard the door being unlocked, I tipped my head back slowly, my blond hair rubbing against the _dirt _(maybe it wasn't _actually_ dirt- just dark brown and short) carpet in a way I was sure would cause friction and be a very useless weapon upon the imposing intruder. But as the door opened I saw a silver haired man poke his head in, "Damn…" I said quietly as he walked in and shut the door behind him.

"And here I thought I could use my newly discovered weapon of mass destruction in a fight for my life… way to ruin it Riku," he knew I was joking even though I wasn't smiling, I hadn't moved- I was a very lazy person and this was not news to him. He didn't humor me with a smile like he normally did, "What're you doing Roxas?" he didn't seem very happy at all, I stopped craning my head back and continued to stare at the ceiling, not gracing him with a response, I hated talking to him when he was grumpy and he knew it- and I wasn't his boyfriend so I didn't have to put up with it. He sighed and walked over to the long pale yellow couch that was beside me- it's luring and comfy cushions and arm rests made up for its ugly color and empty stomach, "Roxas…" he was doing something but I still didn't bother to answer him- he was annoyed, not at me, but I still wanted nothing to do with it.

I have my own emotions to deal with, I don't like dealing with other's also- I'm selfish like that, "Did you know," I started, but he cut me off, "Roxas- no more facts," "that," "Let's get going, you're not staying up here by yourself any longer," He leaned down and grabbed hold of my upper arm and hauled me to my feet- all I did was act like dead weight and make it even harder for him to move me, "Me and the carpet are getting further acquainted though," "You and the carpet don't need to get any closer," I looked at the ugly couch, "What if I make friends with the couch?" Riku let go of my arm, but my feet were still dead so I fell back to the ground, quickly folding my legs and crossing my arms- looking much like a child throwing a tantrum.

"Roxas… I have to get back downstairs," "Then go," "You're not staying up here- you think I haven't caught on to how you act- I leave you up here by yourself for a few hours and you turn into a depressed- 'kill me now' mess and I'm in no mood to have that on my mind," He made it sound like I stayed up here all the time by myself- I only did it _maybe_ a _few_ times a month, nothing serious- and hell, it was my house too, I kept my arms crossed- his little tone hadn't slipped by my ears, "Don't get snippy with me just because you're grumpy…" he fell back onto the opposing couch and took a deep breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I know… I'm just worried about deadlines…" "That's what you get for thinking you can run a bar and strip club when you're only 21," of course I never said that because it would just make things worse but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. We sat in silence for a while, I laid down slowly hoping he wouldn't notice but of course he did, "You're going to bring me into a depression with you if I stay up here any longer," I could see him out of the corner of my eye looking around the flat. It was our shared apartment- one bedroom, one bath, the dining room and kitchen were one small room all together while the living room was a long rectangle, and there was hardly anything in the space to show that someone even lived here. All above the place- the bar/ strip club, he decided to run.

"Come on…" he stood up again and offered me his hand but I didn't take it, "I'm comfy though… and it's too much work to sit up…" he took his hand back, "I don't see why you can't just sit on the couch like a normal person," I turned to glare at the couch, "I don't like it… it tried to eat me with its nasty yellow teeth," "Just because it's yellow it has yellow teeth?" Riku tried to argue but stopped himself, "Why the fuck does the couch have teeth?" he asked himself instead, feeling stupid for listening to what I was saying- we often went through this scenario. I was dragged to my feet and moved out the door to a set of dark red carpet covered stairs that went down from the side of the door only to turn almost 10 steps again so you couldn't see where the red tongue spit you out.

"Stay down here till we close- start waiting some tables and work off some of that money you owe," "What," I started, "You always owe someone money Roxas," he continued to walk down the stairs, I tried to open the door but he locked it and I was that one stupid kid who had a key but always left it inside because I never really cared. I just got off my shift- which is why I retreated back to the apartment, I was tired of dealing with people today- so I sat on the steps and thought. I could settle for the stairs sinking me into my depression- it didn't have to be on the living room floor, I wasn't _that_ picky. Resting my chin on my palm and my elbow on my knee I listened to the vibrations that spread up the house from the bar below. My hearing was still intact even though I grew up in bars like this- with the concert loud music, the half-naked women and- on special select nights- men, the shouting from drunken fools- it was a sickening and tiring way to spend the rest of my life, wasn't it?

The tongue was going to leave a wet spot on my butt if I sat on it any longer- I lied to myself, standing up I stretched my hands above my head to hear my back and shoulders crack a few good times. Stepping forward my body raced down the steps out of control before I fell on my butt not even five steps down- the shaggy carpet hated my shoes; hated me, almost every time I tried to walk down the damn stairs tripped me. Standing on my feet I continued down the stairs- my hands flat and gliding down the walls with me till I reached the corner- "Money's always good," I thought before I continued to walk through the back of the bar/strip club, whoever decided to mix the two was brilliant I tell you.

_**So that's be the preview.**_


	27. Chapter 27: Another Fallout

"Xemnas!" my mother shouted, slamming something down out in the other room, I had just managed to sit up and scoot a little further from said man before she yelled, he watched me for a second like he wanted to say something but also like he was tired of everything. Watching him got me nowhere though and soon he sighed and stood up, walking into the other room and talking to my mother while she yelled and complained about everything. Grabbing my phone I checked the time, it was only half past noon, I texted Axel like he asked me to, folding my legs and sitting almost painfully with my neck bent down to see the phone while my back was hunched. It was comfortable any other time- but seeing as how I just woke up and my body was straight-ish I was stretching my muscles some.

Axel texted back and said he would be on his way over after the next class, which ended at 1:30, leaving the last 30 minutes of the day for family group (because it was Tuesday and family group was on Tuesdays and Thursdays). Ever been so hungry it made you sick? It hurts and your stomach gets so uncomfortable, I had this going on even though I'd just had pizza at Axel's house the night before, I climbed off my bed slowly and opened my drawers to my dresser, moving my clothes to reveal a pop tart box, I'd stuffed it with pop tarts, chewy bars, and other random things I stole from the kitchen when no one else was around, but I found the box empty. Instantly my face turned from neutral to sad, my stomach wanted food so bad it was like pop rocks in the back of my throat.

Climbing back into bed I curled up in the corner, resting my head on my knees as I looked to the side, I reached over to my window sill a few seconds later and grabbed a pen I found there and started to draw on my pale cargo pants. Minutes and maybe even an hour passed and then suddenly my door was thrown open and my mother walked in, without even glancing at me and sat on my bed, staring straight ahead at the other wall, her arms folded while her legs were crossed, "Xemnas said I should be thankful you didn't go to Rikku's…" she said, I didn't know what she wanted me to say or what to say in general so I stayed quiet.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, pulling it onto her shoulder before crossing her arms again, "Yeah… and I know it was fucked up to kick you out in the middle of winter…" she didn't seem like she regretted it though, "So… you can… stay here again, or whatever…" she seemed pissed still so I slowly nodded my head, "Thanks…" she nodded her head once before standing up and leaving my room. I felt my phone vibrate no sooner and I looked to see a text from Axel, "I'm leaving school now, meet me?" I sent back a text telling him I would and then I found my shoes, which I had kicked off in my sleep and then switched my hoodie for a lighter one- I had to go to Rikku's and watch Ventus yet.

My mother was standing looking towards the kitchen when I walked out, she was probably looking at Xemnas, I opened the door and nodded my head in silent question as to if I could leave, she nodded her head back quickly, still seeming beyond pissed and I quickly left. The stairs were warm compared to outside, because the stairs were blocked from the wind and snow, so as I walked on the shoveled sidewalk I shivered from the cold. Breezes chilled over the snow and maneuvered its way through the stitching of my fabric and found a way to hit my skin, freezing me to my core- but Rikku always had the heat cranked up and I couldn't walk around without a hoodie (well I could if I had a long sleeve shirt on) so I didn't want to risk sweating my ass off.

Axel met me halfway in between my house and the school, I was speed walking and he just had long ass legs, "So… how'd it go at your mom's last night?" he asked and I shrugged, "Fine I guess…" he slowly nodded his head. I wasn't going to just go out and tell him that my mom kicked me out because it was pointless, I was let right back in in the morning so there was no harm done. "I still have to watch Ventus though…" I added as we started walking in some strange direction, Axel nodded his head, "Do you think your sister will mind if I'm there?" I quickly shook my head and added, "No, she wouldn't have a problem, she likes you- remember?" as I said it I thought about it.

I was gay, right? I liked Axel and Axel was a boy, so yeah, I was gay, my mother seemed like she couldn't care less because she told me herself that I couldn't have all the cute ones, but I wonder what my sister would think about it all. Would her and Keyakku even care or would they be like my mother and just push it off, I mean- they could probably assume I was because of how I knew I looked at Axel, but my sister seems like she'd be fine with it- I'd have to bring it up at some point.

Axel had turned us so we were now walking towards my sisters, when we showed up my sister was all smiles like any other time while baby talking to Ventus, she forced a gasp to get Ventus to laugh, "Look who's here! Uncle Roxas!" Ventus was giggling and my sister was smiling just to encourage him. She forced another gasp, "And Uncle Axel!" she added and Axel was quick to laugh at that while my eyes widened a bit, she didn't really mean anything by it but that's not how it sounded at first. She picked him up while continuing to talk to him, and we walked closer to her, "Wanna go to Axel?" she asked and started to hand him over before Axel was even completely ready, Ventus instantly latched on to Axel's hair, pulling on some pieces that were attached right above his ear, I couldn't help but snicker.

"Aww," my sister said, "Ventus likes you," she smiled more, "Oh, Roxas, can you help me with something in the other room?" she asked quickly, "Uh… sure," she grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the kitchen I didn't think it was anything bad till we reached it and she turned to face me and her smile was gone. "What's going on Roxas?" I raised my eyebrows, I didn't know what she was talking about. "I called the school- wondering where you were and you didn't go to school yesterday, or today." "What're you," I was cut off when Rikku raised her hand to tell me to stop talking. "No, Roxas, I called and they told me it was nothing new- I asked and guess what?" she reached behind her on the counter and grabbed a piece of paper, "They told me how many days you missed, and they told me that they were lucky if you even showed up one day a week," she placed the paper on the counter next to the both of us and crossed her arms.

"So, what's going on?" she asked again, I slowly shook my head, "Nothing's going on Rikku," "Well obviously something is," she raised her hand to gesture to the paper, "Do Keyakku and I need to sit down with you and mom and have a talk?" I was shaking my head again, "No," she said to my head shaking before she continued, "I think we do, you've missed almost the same amount of school as you've showed up before, do you want to graduate? Do you want to pass this year?" I stared at the sink that as off to the side behind Rikku, she gave me enough lectures about me having to eat right and get enough sleep- I didn't need her to tell me to go to school too.

"Roxas, don't just shake your head, I'm trying to help and you won't talk to me," she sighed, "I'm going to talk about it with Keyakku tonight, Roxas- you skipping school can't keep up like this or they're going to kick you out." I was panicking a little now, Keyakku liked to actually get to the bottom of things and he was a lot more stubborn and blunt than Rikku and usually figured things out that even I didn't. But I didn't say anything, so instead my sister kept talking, "When he gets home you and him are going to have a talk," "No," I said softly, I really didn't want to have a talk with Keyakku, "Too bad Roxas, you're going to," "Why?" I almost shouted back, but she did shout, "Because you won't talk to me and something isn't right, you need to go to school," "I know," I grumbled out, she picked up shouting again, "I know too, that's why you and Keyakku are going to talk about it," I shook my head quickly, "I'm not talking to him," she told me that I was and the argument kept up till finally I just turned and left, walking away.

She was angry at me but I was out of the house before Axel had time to stand up from the couch and figure out what to do with Ventus, I stormed down the sidewalk and kept going till a little while later when Axel jogged to catch up to me. "What was all that about?" I shook my head to his question but soon used actual words, "Nothing, Rikku's just mad about me missing so much school…" Axel slowed down his pace but continued to watch me, "How much school have you been missing?" "It doesn't matter," I shrugged, I didn't want a lecture session for Axel too, but it seemed like he didn't want to just be a silent friend.

Cutting him off was my way of shutting Axel up, "Oh come on, not you too- Axel! It doesn't matter, it's not like I'm failing or something, just drop it, if I wanted a lecture I would have stayed and talked to Keyakku." I grumbled, Axel took a deep breath but didn't say anything for a little while. "Stop being a brat," turning my head I gawked at Axel- but before I could say anything to his statement he continued talking, "You know you need to go to school- you want to stay with your mom so fucking bad then you need to keep your shit together. You can't just stay with your mom knowing you're going to have to deal with shit and choosing not to get over."

I didn't say anything, I knew Axel was right- Xemnas had said the same thing. Living with my mother was something I knew would be difficult but yet I still wanted to- I knew there'd be problems but I guess they'd just disappear or something sooner or later but as of yet they hadn't. "I don't know anymore," I grumbled to Axel, he didn't say anything but I knew he was listening, "I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore, maybe I should just wait it out at Rikku's or something…" Axel seemed slightly surprised, "You serious?" he asked and I nodded, running a hand through my hair as I spoke, "Yeah- I don't want to stay if my mother's not going to try… or even care…"

When I looked back I saw that skeptical look on Axel's face, "What?" I asked, "Thinking I'm just talking shit?" he looked as though he was going to nod his head but stopped, "I just know how you are towards your mother," I rolled my eyes and looked back ahead of me, "It's not like it really matters- she doesn't want to keep me, she just doesn't want to lose to Rikku… These last few months are proof enough!" I held up my hand like I was gesturing to something but all there was around me was snow, air, and houses, "I've seen her maybe 7 days out of the past 3 months, I fucking put up with Xemnas to live with her but that's fucking pointless…"

There was a silence all the way till we reached the apartment, "So you're going to stay with Rikku?" he asked and I slowly nodded, "Yeah… as long as she doesn't try to give me some stupid fucking lecture," there was an anger in me that I could place- I could place it all on my mother, Xemnas, and myself, but I didn't want to keep thinking about it. "I'll text you later I guess," I waved bye to him and made my way up the stairs as Axel waited outside for a few seconds before walking away.

Once I got upstairs and had the door closed behind me I saw my mother sitting on Xemnas' lap, making out with him, I turned and went to my room, shutting my door and grabbing my bag. Opening my drawers I took out my clothes and began to shove them into the bag, not caring about folding them, I kept going- slamming things as I went. Then I heard my door open but I didn't bother stopping what I was doing. "Roxas?" of course it was my mother, I didn't answer her so she continued talking, "What're you doing?" I stuffed more clothes in my bag and spoke through clenched teeth, "I'm moving in with Rikku," I summed up quickly, I continued packing and my mother started yelling.

"What! No!" she stomped over to my bed and pulled the bag from me and pulling the clothes back out, "You're my son- you stay here!" "Why the hell should I?" I screamed back, "If you're the mother you're supposed to be here- so why the fuck are you never around?" my screams had attracted the attention of Xemnas but I really couldn't give two shits, he stayed standing in the doorway and my mother grabbed my wrist, pulling me to face her. "Roxas- you can't do this," "Yes I can!" I yanked my wrist out of her grasp and tried to continue to pack but my mother stopped me, "No, Roxas… please- you can't," I stopped.

My hands were on the knobs of my dresser drawer- my body freezing when I heard that shaking tone in her voice, "Please," she said again, I knew she was on the verge of tears, I looked over my shoulder at her, "I can't stay here anymore mom… not when you don't even try- not when everything just keeps going bad…" she was shaking her head, standing up a little from her place on my bed to move a little closer to me before taking another seat, "Please Roxas- I can fix this," closing my eyes I tried to keep packing but my mother came up and turned me around, wrapping her arms around me, "Roxas- don't go, I don't want to lose you- I don't want to lose my baby," she pulled away and held my face in her hands, "I'll to better, I promise.

"I'll get a job again, I'll find us that perfect house- remember?" she was nodding her head in a way like she was trying to encourage me to nod my own, in truth I did- but didn't want to- remember, she continued talking, "Remember, remember that house- I promised you me and you, and even Rikku can come live with us, we'll… we'll live in the perfect little green house with the, the three separate rooms and I'll get you that dog. And- and we'll have parties in the backyard and everything will be perfect," she was still nodding her head but slowly I shook my own, trying to back away, "No mom…" I whispered- she made me that promise when I was 7, it was too late now… right?

"What- what, no baby," she brushed the hair back out of my face while her own was wet with tears, "You can't… please, I don't want to lose you, I'll try and things will get better, right? We can still fix this…" her voice faded as she continued to beg, I hated seeing her cry. My mother was much too young to have the bags under her eyes like she did, she shouldn't be crying- least of all from me, "Mom…" I didn't want to give in, but I didn't want her to cry anymore, "Roxas, please, I need you… please?" she continued to beg and soon I dropped my head in defeat, I couldn't leave her, what if she needed me and I wasn't here to help her? She needed me- how could I reject her when she was saying everything I wanted to hear?

I knew she was lying, I knew that when morning came she'd probably be back to her old self, but till then- at least for the rest of the night, she was my mother. Hell, even Xemnas went along with it, Xemnas laid on the couch while my mother sat on the floor and spread her legs in a V and motioned for me to sit between her legs and lean my back against her chest, she wrapped her arms around me and we watched a movie. If I'd left I'd never have this, this perfect moment…

When I woke up I found myself in my own bed, I didn't remember falling asleep though, I rubbed my eyes and took my phone out, checking the time and seeing I had a message from Axel, he asked if I was at my sisters, "No," but I didn't add more to my reply because I knew he would be pissed and I didn't need to hear a lecture from him at this early in the morning, especially when things had gone so right the night before. I got ready for school and when I walked downstairs I found Axel standing outside. His hands in his pants pockets, shoulders up towards his ears to block the freezing wind, the black hood of his hoodie up and covering the black winter beanie he had, and a lit cigarette hanging in his mouth. Any surprise I had was quickly washed away and now I was just trying not to give him room to lecture me.

As we walked to school I found it strange to see Axel smoking, I knew he did every morning before he walked over because he always smelt like cigarette smoke, but normally by the time he got to me it was out, I glanced at him and he held out his cigarette, "I don't smoke…" I mumbled, not understanding why he was handing it to me when he knew I didn't, he shrugged and put the cigarette back to his lips, "Figured you wanted to make more bad decisions…" I rolled my eyes at his statement and groaned.

Axel and I sat together like any other day, except every time I said something Axel had a witty comeback about how I messed up, "Do you have a pen?" I asked as we walked to first class, Axel handed me his and said, "Yeah, I also have a brain that's still functioning, you should probably borrow that too," Again I rolled my eyes. He kept it up all day and by the end of the day I was tired of hearing it, "Are you done?" I asked and he raised an eyebrow, "Are you done putting yourself through bullshit?" I stared at him and after a few minutes he sighed and gave me a straight answer, "Yeah… I hope you know this is a fucking stupid move Rox," I didn't give him an answer and he sighed again, "Alright… wanna go get something to eat before we go to Rikku's?"

Obviously he couldn't have been very mad at me because he was offering to buy me food, I shrugged my shoulder and Axel waved for me to follow him and then- like always- he bought me food. Rikku acted like nothing had happened the day before but instead used her energy to get Ventus going about how he didn't have a chance to see me, and he reached for me as soon as Rikku held him up to see me. Rikku left not too late after that, Axel sat on the couch and I sat on the floor.

Since I was the one spending a lot of time with Ventus- it wasn't really that much time, I decided that I'd help him get some muscles in his legs, it was something that would help distract him when he cried, and now he was almost able to walk- save the lack of balance. Ventus was giggly the whole time and refused to go to Axel, which I found funny, and Ventus would also start screaming if I took my finger out of his hand. Keyakku showed up and I don't think Rikku told him anything because he didn't seem like anything was wrong either- that or him and Rikku had a talk and decided something.

Axel and myself hadn't really had a decent conversation though, we had small little talks about random things but we were both avoiding what we knew was true- that I'd made a stupid choice in staying with my mother, but at the moment I didn't care, I didn't want to think about it being a bad choice because at the moment everything was still working out the way I always dreamed it would, well, sort of. And I wasn't going to question that. "I'll see you tomorrow… just remember," Axel said clearly, "The choice isn't permanent…" "Yeah, I know," I nodded my head and we waved by.

When I opened the door I wished I stayed somewhere else.

The collar of my shirt was grabbed and I was pulled from the door way only to be pushed against the now closed door, I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut from the pain slamming against my spine, "You little fucker," Xemnas' voice bit in my ear, "After all the shit I told your mother to make her want you… and you go to th1at fucking asshole… I think you owe me… big time," and I was thrown to my room, catching a glimpse for only a second of my mother sleeping on the couch, alcohol bottle dumped on the floor. He shut my door behind him and pushed me more, pushing me to the ground, and what I heard him say made my skin crawl, "I'm done waiting."

_**So sorry it took so long to get this up, I don't know why but the internet on my computer won't work- even if I use a different wireless internet in the area... I think there's just something not right with my computer, so I'm using my step father's at the moment but we don't get along so this is a tad awkward. I can still reply to messages and such from my phone but I really don't want to type and try to upload a chapter from my phone... ohhh no-no-no...  
Thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter though!:3 **_

_**I'm going to upload the next chapter to MY documents so that I can just upload it from my phone, you know what I mean? So just pray it goes through and will let me from my phone otherwise it's going to be a while before I get another chapter up...**_


	28. Chapter 28: Another Confession

I remember a few months ago, 5 to be exact, I went with Rikku as quickly as I could. Letting her speak for me because I knew I couldn't say what I needed to- which was everything to get away from my mother and Xemnas. It was so easy to walk away with Rikku there, it was so easy to turn and not look back and to push my mother out of my life. So easy in fact that when my mother came back around I was terrified, not because I knew she would bring trouble with her, but because I knew it didn't matter what she said or did, I would still love her and I wouldn't be able to push her away again. Like an alcoholic going back to his poison.

I wanted to move on with my own life, I didn't want to be in constant fear of saying something wrong and being left alone- I was terrified to be abandoned… again. My mother was supposed to always be there even if we were fighting- that's what a Mother is supposed to do, right? She's not supposed to hate me because I'm different, she's supposed to love me no matter what and always want to do what's best for me, right? So then why does she have Xemnas? I just wanted my mother- not all this extra bullshit.

Crawling backwards I tried to get as far away as I could from Xemnas, the look he was giving me was one that screamed predator- one that screamed I should get the hell away. "What do you want?" my voice was shaky even though I was trying to make it even, Xemnas stomped towards me, no longer taking those slow steps, and grabbed me by my throat, picking me up, "Ya know Roxas, I'm getting real tired of your playing coy shit." He threw me back and I smashed against the dresser, my spine feeling the sharp pain before anything else, I tried to catch myself before I fell again but Xemnas grabbed hold of my hair and threw me to the side anyways.

"I talked so nicely to your mother- I put up with all her shit and her constant bitching so she'd let you move back in, so she wouldn't kick you out," he was hissing, but I knew that couldn't be true- my mother wanted me to stay, not because of something Xemnas said, my mother loved me enough to not want to lose me forever. "Hell, I even convinced her that you had to stay here, she wouldn't even listen to me till I told her she'd be losing to that bitch of her daughter," he grabbed my upper arm and halfway picked me up, throwing me face first into my bed, I wiped around and instantly put my hands up to struggle with him.

It wasn't true, my mother loved me- that's why she wanted me to stay, I knew she didn't love me like a normal mother but she still loved me- Xemnas was just lying. I couldn't say anything to his lies though because I was facing too much of a struggle trying to keep his hands off me. The muscles in my shoulders were the first to start to feel the burn from the struggle, I don't know what Xemnas was trying to do but from past experiences and after what he had said I wasn't going to let him do whatever he was trying to. "I put up, with all her bullshit, every fucking time she comes around," he was struggling to talk, he must have been at least a little drunk or in all these months I had gain a few muscles.

"What're you doing?" finally I was able to ask, but with the words I lost my hold and Xemnas' hand quickly came free, his weight that he had been pushing with fell down on top of me while his hand slammed into the bed next to me, he sat up a little bit so he could look at me and then his hand quickly came down and smacked across my face. His knuckles smashed across my cheek, sending a pressurizing pain through my cheek bone and through my jaw and skull, my vision blacked out for a second while Xemnas' hand shot to a place I'd rather it didn't be.

"I've put up, with your shit… for almost a year, I only want one fucking thing from you," his fingers had gone under the waist band of my pants while he tried to unbutton my pants, his other hand had managed to close around my throat, this wasn't happening. Tears were welding in my eyes from the pain and shock while my heart raced, pounding in my chest because I could tell what he was going to do- the only thing he hadn't done to me, and I knew if he had his way that by the end of the night Axel wouldn't be able to call me a virgin.

I didn't want to feel that pain. The hollowness that had been ebbing around had been hidden for the past few days at least a little bit, but as the raw sense of everything came crashing down the feeling hit me like a shovel. My bones twitched at Xemnas' every move as he struggled in his drunken state to remove my pants while his other hand pressed painfully into my throat, I pulled at his dark skin, trying to get his hand away to remove the lump in my throat that had formed from his clenching fist. This was it- after this there would be nothing left, I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want to lose everything. My body wanted to curl up into itself even though nothing had happened yet- my mind was racing at over speed and thinking at a pace that I couldn't even keep up with.

Trying to think of ways to get away, got me nowhere, all I could do was struggle with my arms on his and try not to pass out from lack of proper oxygen. If Xemnas had his way there was no way I would be able to look at Axel the same, there was no way I would be able to face myself in the mirror or anyone else, worst of all it would all be my fault, the room was freezing but the sweat I had built up in the struggle made my body feel warmer, and in my panic of trying to get Xemnas away in any way I could I realized what I had to do.

Bringing my leg up I kneed him in an attempt to kick him, but I succeeded in pushing him back enough so his hand slid out of my waist band and so his hand was forced to leave my throat. Sitting up as quickly as I could I shoved him as I stood and ran towards my door, pausing for what felt like a minute to open my door, as soon as I started to run forward I felt Xemnas fingers brush against the back of my shirt. "Mom!" screaming as I ran towards her got me nowhere when Xemnas managed to catch up to me and yank me back by my wrist and pull me to the side hallway, he pushed me against the wall by the bathroom and forced his tongue down my throat after another punch.

Wiggling my body while I pushed against him I tried to disconnect my lips but I was stopped when his hand grabbed a fist full of my hair and yanked. Gasping in pain took away the small window that was provided by Xemnas to escape, instead he shoved his tongue down my throat again and I struggled to breathe. Xemnas pulled away for a second and I took the small space provided to bring my knee up and knee him in his disgusting man parts. He instantly fell back into the other wall after I shoved him when his grip loosened from my blow, I ran around the corner as fast as I could, "Mom! Mom, wake up!" I almost tripped on my run to her side, I was next to her and shaking her arm in a second, my knees getting wet from the alcohol that had spilled next to her.

"Mom," I said again, she groaned and halfway rolled over, I stopped shaking for a second when I saw Xemnas stop walking behind me, "Mom, wake up," I said again, looking at her for only a second before looking back at Xemnas to find him still in the same spot. "Roxas," my mother said, her hand pushing against my hands, "Go away, I'm trying to sleep," "No! Mom, please, help me," I yelled when I turned to find Xemnas had taken a step or two closer. My mother groaned, "Have Xemnas help you," she mumbled, "Mom!" I yelled, staring at Xemnas as he continued walking closer, I shook my mother more with every step. I jumped when my mother moved under my hands.

She rolled over and sat up, looking at me, "What?" her voice was monotone and she stared at me like I was a bug, what was I supposed to tell her? "What the fuck do you want Roxas!" she asked, I shook my head, "Xemnas," I pointed with my hand, thinking about my words, I didn't know what to tell her, I didn't know what to say- all I knew is she was supposed to see what was happening and make it stop. "What the hell about him?" she looked up from me and up to Xemnas and then back at me in a second, "He, he was," I couldn't say anything more- I didn't know what to say, my mother rolled her eyes, "I'm going back to bed," she moved to lay down but I jumped to block her, "No, mom, please," she started yelling at me as soon as she could.

"Then tell me what the fuck you want!" I opened my mouth to tell her but the words wouldn't come out, "Xemnas- he was, he was in my room again!" I wanted her to yell at him, I wanted her to kick him out, I just wanted Xemnas to go away and I wanted to be able to be safe in my own room. "Xemnas, stay out of Roxas' room- there! You fucking happy!" I turned to see Xemnas smile, I quickly shook my head, "Make him leave me alone," my mother rolled her eyes, "He lives here! And he's not bothering you none!" I continued shaking my head, standing up when Xemnas moved even closer.

"He keeps sneaking into my room! Kick him out, make him go away!" my mother looked at me but didn't say anything, "I don't want him here anymore," I whined, taking a step back when Xemnas took one closer. "You want me to kick out _my_ boyfriend because _you_ don't fucking like him!" my mother stood up and turned to me, I was shaking my head- that was just it, there was so much more to it but my vocal cords didn't want to work. "Mom, please- he's," "What the hell is he doing?" my mother cut me off with a shout, I turned to look back at her from my stare at Xemnas, "He's," she cut me off again, "Nothing- he's not doing anything to you!" "Yes he is," I quickly started once she stopped talking, "Please Mom, he's been sneaking into my room- he's… touching…" before I could think of what I wanted to say after that my mother cut me off with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh not this shit again, Roxas- grow the fuck up, he's not _touching_ you, he's a grown ass man, what the fuck does he want with a fucking kid?" I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off, "Nothing, again- stop fucking lying, I'm done with your fucking bullshit," "Bullshit?" I was amazed that she chose that to say out of everything. "Yeah, you fucking heard me Roxas, I'm tired of dealing with all your emotional bullshit, why can't you just grow the fuck up! Better yet why don't you just leave again?" she asked and I was left shaking my head, everything was quiet for a few seconds before I started shouting.

"I left because I didn't want to get _raped_ by _your_ boyfriend! Why the hell did you bring him back around! That's what's fucking bullshit! I didn't move back in with you to deal with your fucking creepy ass boyfriend- you're my mother, you're supposed to pick up on the fact that something's not fucking right with him!" I shouted and my mother was surprised for a second, before she mumbled, "I'm not dealing with you right now," she started moving towards the door but I kept yelling, just to make her stay, "You never do! Every time something happens that you actually _have to do_ _something_ you walk away! Why the hell can't you just care? If you don't want to care about me then why can't you just let me go somewhere where I don't have to feel like shit because of _your_ boyfriend?"

She turned around and stared at me, "I'm leaving, I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit," she was pointing at me, "Mom! You can't leave," I walked towards her, stopping once Xemnas took a step closer to me, "Please Mom," I quietly begged, she turned and looked at me, "Roxas…" her voice was just was quiet as my own, "I don't know what you want me to do…" "Make him go away… make him leave me alone…" but she was staring at the open door, she was debating something and I could see it on her face, "Mom?" she looked up at me and started shaking her head, "You and your damn sister…" she grumbled, "I don't know why but I just can't make kids right," she continued to shake her head, "I don't know what it is about you two, you're my kids, I'm supposed to love you- I know I am… but I just don't." she met my eyes and it felt like something broke inside me.

"I've tried, so hard- but… I just _don't_ care Roxas, there's just something wrong with you and her- I try to care about you but all I see is a blob of everything I hate. I hate the way you speak, the way you move, I just can't stand you… ever since you were born, I thought I'd love you like I wanted to love my child, but you were just like Rikku. And I hate that." She reached into her shirt and pulled out the necklace she had bought, the one that went with mine to say that we would always be together, she pulled it tight so she could see it, "I don't want to pretend anymore…" she tugged and the chain broke, again something ticked in me, "I hate you- just for being you, and neither one of us can ever change that," she seemed sadden by her own words, "I'm done giving up myself for someone I can never love. You're now longer my son."

Everything stopped. My heart's rapid pounding paused, I could no longer feel it, I could no longer hear it, my body froze and I watched as my mother didn't even look at me as she walked out the door, the sound the door made didn't even register, nothing did. The floor got closer as I slid against the wall to the ground, things moved in my vision but I didn't care to notice. My mother, she really didn't care… she really didn't love me… after everything I did to try and… she didn't… she just gave me up. She just disowned me, my eyes widened- the cold feeling of the tears on my face hit me, I stood up, practically falling in the process and ran to the door, pulling it open, I stood at the top of the stairs, my mother standing at the bottom, "Mom!" I shouted.

"You can't- you, you promised," every promise she had ever made to me ran through my mind, "You promised we would live together- you promised you'd make everything better! You can't, you can't just leave, mom, please, I don't know what to do without you, please don't leave me," she opened the door at the bottom of the stairs, "No! Mom please, I need you- don't leave me, I don't want to be alone," my voice was raw and cracking but was finally cut off as I choked on my tears, I needed her in my life more than she ever lied that she needed me. "Please- you promised you wouldn't leave, you promised you'd try- you promised you'd care, please don't leave me… mom?" she turned her head and looked up at me, her face was dry of any tears, "I lied…" her voice was quiet as she shut the door behind her.

"Mom!" screaming to her I tried to will her back, I was collapsed at the top of the stairs but found no muscle to move to go after her, I wanted to run after her, I wanted her to lie to me again- I wanted her to give me that fake smile and tell me that she loved me and that she cared. I didn't want to be alone- I didn't want to lose my mother. Suddenly there was a woman in my view, even through the tears I could see it wasn't my mother- it was Tifa, "Roxas?" her voice was gentle, I stood up quickly and ran into the apartment, shutting the door behind me and falling into the opposite wall and sliding down. Tears burned as they poured down my face, mixing in with snot and sweat, my jaw's hinges ached like they were swollen while my mouth over watered from the tears, I hiccupped and curled up into a lopsided ball.

"Roxas?" someone cautiously said, of course Xemnas was still here, "Go, away…" I mumbled around my sniffling, my face burned from the tears and stung from the cold, Xemnas gently touched my shoulder so I yelled, "Go away!" he froze and I started to wipe my eyes again, the door slammed, causing me to jump, and I found myself truly alone… there was no one to care- no one to even pretend.

I cried myself to sleep against the wall, I woke up not too long after that, I opened my eyes and found that it was pitch black outside, I stood up as quickly as I could and ran to my mother's room, but it was empty, "Mom?" I called, hoping she was just upset before, hoping that she realized she really did care for me. My head hung low as I found the apartment just as empty as it was before I fell asleep. Ending up in the kitchen after my search around the place I leaned against the counter, it explained everything- and I hated that.

Her inability to love me and Rikku explained why she never cared if we were taken away, it explained why she would go away for days and weeks at a time and never make sure we had clothes or food or a place to sleep. It explained why she never acknowledged my existence unless I made her. She really didn't love me. And that hurt, the hollowness I had been feeling swelled up and was making me physically sick, my mouth watered like I was going to puke but I stayed in the kitchen and tried to breathe calmly, but I couldn't.

I turned and leaned my head against the cold contour, my head was spinning and I just wanted to push everything away, I tipped my head back a little, noticing the cups that sat on the shelf. Without thinking I swiped my hands across the plastic pieces, sending them to crash into the ground and wall, but I didn't stop there. I moved down a little to where my mother's and Xemnas' shot glasses were, I picked them up in my fists and threw them at the far wall on the other side of the apartment, at the end of the couch, they clinked and a few smashed- either against the wall or against the ground. I opened the cupboards and began to pull everything out, smashing whatever was glass against the counter and floor while everything plastic bounced and rolled away.

I moved back to the fridge, throwing open the freezer door I found bottles of alcohol just sitting nice and perfectly all for me in there. I pulled one out, having another smaller one frozen to it, but once they were free of the ice box they broke apart and the smaller bottle crashed to the ground and smashed, sending cold liquid all around on the messy floor, but I just turned and stomped away after slamming the freezer door shut. I made my way to my room, locking the door on my way through- I even took it upon myself to lock the chain lock at the top rather than just the door knob and dead bolt.

Sitting in my room I opened the bottle of alcohol, not bothering to read the label, and took as much of it into my mouth as I could, it burned my tongue and throat, a warm feeling following it down to rest in my stomach, I forced myself to drink more. After a few minutes of sitting there, I tried to chug it, but I had to stop when the feeling of having to puke rose in my throat, I dropped the bottle and ran to the bathroom as quickly as I could, I fell by the toilet and emptied my already empty stomach into the toilet. Falling back I leaned against the tub, new tears were running down my face, the sobs were vocal in my throat, I just wanted to go to sleep, I rested my head against the tub and fell asleep.

**_Uh-oh... more not good feelings for Roxy's life.  
_**

**_Thanks for all the reviews:3 _**


	29. Chapter 29: Another Talk

I don't know what my mother ever saw in alcohol- I thought it was supposed to make me feel good, I thought it was supposed to rub in mine and everyone else's face that I didn't give a shit anymore, but the alcohol turned my stomach and instead I just felt physically sick to go on top of everything else I had going wrong. But it was okay, because I knew what would help.

Sleep had eluded me minutes ago, leaving me slugged against the tub staring blankly out the open door and at the far wall of the hallway. Forcing myself to sit up I reached under the sink and I found the plastic containers full of- you guess it- my razors. Now would be the time I was glad my mother never bothered cleaning anything or going through anything in the bathroom or my room or pretty much anything. Kneeling in the middle of the bathroom with all my razors sitting in front of me I stretch to remove all my clothing on my upper half, expect my beater, before I fell back down with one selected razor pinched between my fingers.

I stared at the inside of my wrist. Some of the scars were pink and bubbled out even though they were old, then there was others that were white and only noticeable when the light hit it in just the right way, I stared at my wrist a little while longer before moving my arm and staring at my pant leg, imagining the scars that riddled my thighs. Which did I want? Did I want pain or did I want blood lost? Yes, there was a choice- there always was a choice, when I cut my leg it was because I wanted the scars and pain- I was able to cut a lot deeper and bleed less than you would assume, whereas on my wrist I couldn't cut as deep but when I did cut I would bleed and if I reached what I wanted to I would become a little light headed and my head would swim.

Blood loss was my choice. Placing the blade against my wrist I waited for a second, my heart pounded in my chest while my hands shook because of either nerves or adrenaline, I pressed the sharp tip of the razor deep into my arm, there was no blood or puncturing of skin yet- but there would be in a few seconds. Quickly I yanked the razor across my wrist, at first there was no pain other than a sharp but subtle sting, but when the blood began to seep out of the wound the stinging sensation rose. Again I did it, and I had to bite my lip this time as I jumped from the twinge of pain.

After yet another cut I stared as the blood flowed, I set my razor- covered in my blood- down on the tub and turned back to find that my blood had ran down my arm like a waterfall. My arm had been bent so when I straightened it there was blood on my upper arm as well, enclosing my hand around my wrist I pulled it away to find my hand drenched in the warm and crimson liquid. But my blood was quickly drying now that it was spread thin, turning around I pressed my hand against the shower wall. Marveling at the bloody handprint that now resided there. I forced myself to stand up, I had dripped blood on the floor and all over my pants and beater but I really couldn't have cared.

Walking into my room I wanted to sleep but I knew I couldn't, I didn't want to get blood- wet or dry- all over my bed and blankets, so instead I turned back around and took a shower. Right now is about the time I would tell myself: Mom will be back, she'll have some crazy new plan and a way to fix everything and then all of this will go back to normal. I know this is what I would tell myself because I was trying so hard not to in that very second. My mother made it clear, she'd never done that before, which is how I knew she wasn't just talking out of rage or denial.  
When I returned to my room I grabbed my phone while still towel drying my hair, I found I had a text from Axel, "Are you going to school tomorrow?" he wrote, he had texted me earlier but better late than never, right?

"Yeah," I texted back, there was no way I was going to tell Axel about this, there was no way in Hell he was going to find out about this all. But what if he did? How would Axel look at me when he realized that my own mother said she didn't love me- that she couldn't, that she hadn't made Rikku and I right? _No. He's so not finding out about this._

I had to act like everything was normal, like nothing had happened- as Axel said, "You want to live with your mom you got to keep your shit together," and yada-yada-yada. I wanted my mother to come back, at least just to tell me she really did love me, till then I was going to keep my shit together. Spending the night doing homework- even though I didn't really have any, was what I chose to occupy my time. Since I go to Alternative School and my school is built up of about an average of 4 kids from about 13 different schools- all who were kicked out because they were seen as lost causes due to their fuses were blown resulting in someone getting beaten to a bloody pulp, tried to kill a fellow student, or were caught in the cops hands one too many times and far too much for the school to be proud of or want to 'waste' any more time on them. So no, homework wasn't something our school focused on, actually pretty much anything academic. What we did focus on was the reasons we relied on drugs and cutting, and why we closed off from people, and how we're afraid to get hurt but those are just the rules of love- even if it's not romantic love.

Remember that bottle of alcohol I decided to try? I dumped that on my way to puke my brains out, I decided since I had nothing better to do, and no more homework, I would clean my room, clean the small area that 'represented' me.

The room was spotless when my phone started vibrating so I reached over to grab it, finding I had a text from Axel- like always, "I'm heading over to your house now," I didn't bother to reply, I hadn't realized it was so late- or early- in the morning. Getting ready as quickly as I could I raced to meet Axel as far from the apartment as possible.

He nodded his head as if to say hello as he sucked out the last life of his cigarette till he flicked it. "Morning sunshine," he had a smirk on his face but it looked a little forced, I had a black eye from Xemnas which I knew he could clearly see but I was happy he wasn't commenting on it like he normally did.

"Yeah… morning," after I said it I yawned but Axel was too busy, looking at something off to the side as he fell behind me, to notice.

"What, I don't get a nick name?" he asked, feigning hurt.

Rolling my eyes I kept walking, I was rather happy with his attitude today even if my act was more of a bothered prep, "Fine, Good morning ginger," I heard him give a small gasp but he knew I wasn't really as unhappy as my tone sounded.

"Out of everything you could have picked, and you chose that?" he was shaking his head, "My, my, it seems we need to help you with your terms of endearment my dear chocobo," he threw his arms over my shoulder and even though I didn't know what the hell it was he just called me- I had a retort.

"Oh, my bad, good morning fire crotch," my smirk was the cheesiest thing ever, that made him chuckle and with his arm that was draped over me he pulled me closer, we continued to feign happiness for the rest of the day, till we had no more classes together and the science teacher went on another bend that had nothing to do with our rotation and revolution as a planet around our lovely center star also known as Sol. Instead she spoke of how one of the other classmates wrote, "Don't Care," on his knuckles… that pissed her off- apparently all of our not-caring did, so she ranted for the next 40 minutes how we knew first hand we needed to care or no one else would and how it was all a defense mechanism to push people away.

We were let out of class to venture to our next one, the words of the science teacher buzzed around in my head but they made me more upset like I was missing the closing and comforting line. On the way around school guess who I saw- I'll give you a few hints: someone I really don't like, someone I hated even more because he dated Axel, and that I hated even more for no reason I can place.

_Sora_…

I could shrug him off, but for some reason he actually decided to talk to me- and I didn't like what he had to say. "Hey Roxas, so I hear you're Axel's new flavor," he was walking up behind me, a smug smile on his face, I turned forward and rolled my eyes.

"We've been friends for months now- you haven't noticed?" normally I wouldn't talk back when people said something to me- but I found that anger over won any anxiety- I'd gotten in a few fights, people think that because I'm quiet that I'm a good kid and that I could never do anything wrong…_ yeah right_.

"Huh, guess not, I'm smarter than to waste my time thinking about someone like Axel," he waved his hand like what he was saying didn't mean anything but for some reason I was beyond pissed at the statement.

"Sora," I kept walking, hoping he'd leave me alone, the school was only 4 short hall ways connected to make a square at the far end of a strip mall- our gym was shared with the next establishment over which happened to be a rehabilitation center for old people- so I could continue walking around the square and away from Sora but I'd rather not. "Leave me alone."

"I don't see what your problem is, I'm just trying to be nice to you but you think your so much better than everyone- you won't talk because we're not good enough," he grumbled something and slowed his walking a bit, "No wonder you hang out with Axel, you too are exactly alike," and that was it for me.

It was like a little short of electricity shot down my spine, I whipped around and before I knew it I had grabbed Sora by the collar of his shirt, pinned him to the wall, and delivered a very hard blow to the center of his face. I wanted to ruin both sides of his perfect little face so much so that I just couldn't make up my mind which side to hit, so I hit the center. Everyone around us instantly stilled as the seriousness of what had happened over took them, it was as if the teachers could feel it because before I could say anything or go to give another punch or even receive the punch Sora looked about ready to give- Aerith and the science teacher were standing between us and trying to stop any more fights from ensuing.

Usually when there was a fight in our school- which happened a lot but everyone quickly got over it- more fights happened because it turned in to: That's my friend, or: you had no right: or: -my favorite- _you bitch!_. No more fighting continued though because everyone was shocked by the situation, probably because it was quiet little ol' me that was getting in the fight and had delivered the first punch.

We were instantly separated, and I'll cut to the chase and say I was given the usual punishment- suspended for 5 school days, a.k.a. a week.  
Grabbing work from all my classes a surprised Axel gawked and waved me over to him while the teacher grabbed me some work, "Did you punch Sora?" he asked, he sounded hurt, why the hell is he hurt? Nodding my head I waited for him to say something more, "Is he alright?" when I didn't reply he only shook his head. I was his friend, he told me he didn't even like Sora so why didn't he ask if I was okay or something. I went to the teacher to grab my stuff and left the classroom, I heard the teacher tell Axel to take a seat and that he could talk to me once school hours were over. Did Axel still like Sora- I mean, why else would he ask about Sora… I don't know, it just seemed off to me.

Rikku was the one the office called and she did not seem happy. "Car, now," she pointed her thumb over her shoulder and I looked down and walked out the doors and got into the car, I looked over back into the school and saw her talking with the principle and guidance counselor. She put one hand on her hip and the other on her forehead while shaking her head, she then pushed the hair back from her forehead before turning and walking out to get in the car. She didn't say anything I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, the silence was awkward but I didn't know what she would say if she did start talking.

"It wasn't my fault…" I finally mumbled, I know she wanted to say so much but I knew she wasn't going to until she had a clear head, she sighed as she ran a hand through her hair and rested her elbow on the door, Ventus made a noise in the backseat but everything quickly got quiet again.

"Roxas… we'll talk about this later," she pulled up to the house and got out, getting Ventus out and bringing him into the house, I got out but didn't know whether to follow her or just to walk back to the apartment. "You still gonna watch Ventus?" slowly I nodded my head and followed her.

She left as soon as she put Ventus down, she didn't say anything to me which is how I knew she was mad. My sister placed her hand on my head and pulled me closer to kiss the top of my head while she continued to move out the door. She didn't say anything as she jumped into her car and sped off.

Once I was inside and took Ventus out of his seat and laid him on his mat on the floor, giving him one of his toys that he instantly began chewing on- it was some rubber toy for teething. "Hi Ventus," my voice was changed just to make Ventus smile more. I'd have to make it clear beforehand to Rikku and Keyakku that I wasn't going to be able to watch him for the rest of the week, just to make sure they didn't expect me to and have no one else able to watch him. My phone vibrated and revealed a text from Axel but I didn't bother to respond.

_Today is my day with Ventus alone,_ I put my finger in his grip_. I have something else I want to do so I might not be back to see you for a while… if again…_

On top of all that I didn't know how Axel felt since I punched his ex, so I wanted to stay as far away from him as I could. He came by after school ended and knocked but I didn't answer, he called but I still didn't answer, _Today is my day to spend with Ventus_.

When Keyakku got back from work I realized I didn't want to tell him that I wouldn't be around so instead I decided I'd just text Rikku later, but before I could slip my shoes on to leave Keyakku spoke to me. "Rox," he was walking out of Ventus' room, he had just fallen asleep for a nap that we all knew wouldn't last that much longer, "Come into the kitchen," he waved me to follow him but I really didn't want to.

"Why?"

He turned back to look at me, watching me like he was trying to stare into my soul and figure out everything he wanted to know without asking, "How'd you get that black eye?" he walked over to me when he realized that I wasn't moving. His eyes stayed locked on me as I stared at the couch, trying not to seem like I was avoiding his gaze even though we both knew I was.

"I got in a fight with someone from school…" I decided to say, it wasn't like Keyakku would know anything about the fight yet so there was no way he could prove me wrong and then he could drop this act he had up.

"Your sister called me at work today…" he replied after a sigh, "She called to tell me you got in a fight with a boy from your school…" I nodded my head, he ran a hand through his hair before letting out another sigh, "She also told me the other boy was unable to lay a hand on you…" of course they felt the need to tell my sister that, "And she also mentioned how the principle questioned your sister- asking her where you got your black eye from, and all your other bruises since you began going there… they want to know if your being abused."

Rolling my eyes I tried to scoff it off but when I got a quick glance at Keyakku I noticed he was still standing there staring at me, I looked back up at him, "What?" I asked but Keyakku continued to watch me, I hated when he watched me- it was like he was trying to see my organs and pick me apart.

"So?" he asked, and my eyes widened.

"So what?" my voice sounded like an upset preteen who was getting scolded for something they actually did.

"Are you?" I played dumb, I asked him what he meant but he just stared at me before he began- clarifying it so I couldn't play dumb anymore.

"Are you being abused by your mother?" rolling my eyes I looked at him, asking him with my facial expression if he was serious. "Yes or no Rox," I cut him off before he could even finish speaking.

"No- she's not abusing me," my tone was definite and as if to prove a point but instead of relaxing like I wanted Keyakku to he continued to watch me. My gaze shifted to the ground the longer he watched me.

"Is someone?"

"What?"

"Is someone abusing you?" he asked, shaking my head I tried to awkwardly and shortly laugh it off but Keyakku wasn't having any of that.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

I stared at him, _of course I'm sure_- obviously I know what I'm saying, that anger I had earlier had returned, "Why the hell do you give a shit Keyakku, it's my life not yours," and there was something that sparked in his eyes like he had been waiting for me to snap- like it was what he wanted to get to the bottom of everything, that's not happening.

"Rox, you're like a little brother to me, I want to know if someone is hurting you, I want to help you,"

I cut him off, "It's not any of your business," I shouted, "I can take care of myself, I don't need your help and I didn't ask for it," it was his turn to cut me off it seemed.

"I know you didn't, because you don't like to ask for help!" when Keyakku yelled something, anything, it always got to me, when he yelled about my mother -right before I moved in with her- had done that same thing, but this time I wasn't ready to hide my anger like I did then. "It is my business!"

"No it's not! Just butt out!" turning I opened the door and slammed it shut, I could hear Ventus began screaming in his room, meaning Keyakku wasn't going to come after me- which was a good thing. I stomped all the way to the apartment, all that was running through my mind was the anger- I wanted to cut just to get rid of the feelings, just to push everything away. As I opened the front door to the stair case I wondered for a moment if when I got upstairs my mother would be back, just to keep the hope alive a little bit longer I didn't look back to see if her car was parked out front. Slowly I opened the door but found the mess still in the kitchen and living room, "Mom?" I called but there was no reply, no sound at all.

Anger instantly beat through my veins, why does everything have to always go wrong? Racing in my chest, my heart pumped blood and adrenaline through my body and everything that was just so fucked up hit me like a ton of bricks. I grabbed the first thing I could, which happened to be an ash tray, and chucked it and- with just my luck- it crashed through the window. Stomping to the bathroom I decided I needed another shower, and a lot more cuts.

As I sat in my bed, a pair of fuzzy pajama bottoms with a pair of cargo pants on my bottom half while I had on a beater and long sleeve shirt for my top, I huddled under my blanket, we had no heat and that new hole in the window was not helping. My stomach growled, I'd finally realized the pain in my stomach from hunger, I stood up, leaving my blanket behind and ventured into the kitchen, I found a package of ho-hos, I grabbed them and quickly made it back to my room, picking them apart while my mouth watered, but after they were gone I didn't want to do anything but sleep.

_My mother came in to wake me up_, it was a memory,_ she jumped on me and began tickling me, "Roxas! Wake up, wake up, wake up," she yelled, I groaned and rolled over, mumbling that I didn't want to. She only laughed and continued, but when she gave a rather hard jab to my side I couldn't help but yell in pain, "Oh hush, I'm trying to be nice," she mumbled. She left and I climbed out of bed, I felt guilty already, I walked out and found my mother sitting at the table with a cigarette._

My memory fast forward- I woke up from the cold and fell back asleep a few minutes later- to when we were sitting in her car, she was driving somewhere and I don't remember what she had said but I knew I was tired and I wasn't all that happy.

_"I'm just trying to make you smile, God… whatever…"_ and instantly I felt worse about myself- had I really been making it that hard for us to get along?

Because of the cold I couldn't sleep for very long, not to mention I had a nightmare about Xemnas and him actually getting his way for once. So I decided to give up on sleep, I checked my phone to see I had missed calls and messages from Axel, I didn't bother to read them or call him back, I walked out into the other room and found the door knob was unlocked, but the chain way still in place- meaning Axel had tried to get in but was unable to. The blanket was still around me, I went into the bathroom, the only room that had no windows plus was small enough to keep a lot of heat, I turned on the hot water for the shower and laid on the floor.

Once the room was hot and humid I passed right back out. But my dream was less than kind. I'll save the gory details and just say, Xemnas did as he saw fit to me and promptly ended my life. The seconds leading up to what I knew was my death was awful, the pain I knew my body to be in and the torment my mind had gone through- looking forward to nothing but limbo and knowing that was all that waited for me.

Reaching out around me my eyes shot open, the sense of doom I'd felt in my dream was still with me, the feeling that just outside the apartment Xemnas was standing and waiting to do as he planned didn't leave either. The paranoid feeling wouldn't leave my head, I ran to my room- after having a conflict with myself about whether or not to open the bathroom door- and looked outside, it was pitch black but everything looked peaceful, so I quickly returned to the bathroom.

Relaxing in the warmth, the dream still pressing in my mind. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted my mother to be back and I wanted her to just be here. Thinking about my previous dreams- or memories- I realized it was my fault, that I'd pushed it to go this far, if I tried better or did more than maybe we could have kept the act going longer… all that time I thought I was trying to keep her yet I was probably making it harder for her and dealing with Xemnas was probably just a waste.

The reason she left was because she couldn't stand me as her child- because I just wasn't right. Why am I not? Forcing myself to stand up I looked at myself in the mirror and thought while studying my face. I thought I was doing everything the way she wanted, I knew I was an asshole to her a lot more than I should've been but I didn't think I was that bad of a kid, then again… I forced her to choose between her boyfriend and me and felt so hurt and angry when she first chose her boyfriend, but why was I? Of course she was going to love him more than me, she was with him by choice- she didn't have much of a choice of me being her son… the feelings of everything falling around me wouldn't go away, and I realized- all of this is my fault.

Studying my cerulean eyes, knowing I got them from my mother, and my blond hair that covered my face, which I also got from her lead my thoughts somewhere else. Sometimes when she was pissed she'd say she hated that I looked like my father, but all my traits I could link back to her, maybe that was just because I didn't know what my father looked like so it's not like I could compare myself to him. Rikku looks the same too but my mother refused to admit it. Looking at the bruise on the side of my face I looked harder to see if I could find any other marks of previous bruising and hurt but there was none that I could see.

"No one else can be blamed for where I am…" I mumbled to myself, watching myself in the mirror like I was a threatening stranger, "It's my own fault… my shit to deal with," I was convincing myself. Staring at my eyes I knew what I was going to do, it was all just to convince my body or soul- whichever one- that there was no stopping me from doing this.

Pulling off my long sleeve shirt I knew what I was going to do, I couldn't take this shit- I didn't want to keep fucking everyone's life up and I sure as hell didn't want to be there to ruin Ventus'. I will end this. Taking my razor in my hand I pressed the tip against my scabbed and still hurt wrist, the scabs were surrounded by bruises but that only made them look worse than they actually were. Again I pressed the tip to the side of my wrist and instead of pulling away like I normally did and ripping the blade across my skin like that, I chose to push down.

Pain instantly shot up my spine and caused me to flinch, I could physically see with my bare eye how deep my skin split and I could see as the blood rushed from invisible spots to fill the wound and drip. The blood dripped down my arm and onto my white beater, but I really didn't give a shit. As I did it again, and again, and another time just for fun I thought to myself about cutting and things, It's strange how people think to use the flat side of the razor, I mean, I've done it before too, but the corner is so much more effective.

Just gotta place the tip to the skin and use that small little tip to rip across the skin. It's like using a knife to cut paper- you don't use the knife's entire blade, you press the very tip and slide only that along, and that's just how I use a razor. _Most effective_.

Blood was gushing now but I really didn't give a shit, why the hell should I? it was obvious now that my mother wasn't going to come back and even if she did I would know the truth, I would know that she didn't give a rat's ass about me and that she'd never be able to. No matter how hard I tried. There was no point in trying to survive if I know no one is going to care.

I turned my wrist, the cuts on the side of it shifted with my skin and caused a small sting of pain, now the inside of my wrist- the part where all the veins were easily seen- was my new victim. And now was the perfect time, I didn't have to be in school so that gave me a week to rot and make sure I was actually dead, plus Rikku wouldn't need me to watch Ventus…_ Actually_…

Standing up, instantly my vision blurred and the lighting fluctuated from dark to light, I made my way to my room to grab my phone, I had yet to text her. I sent the text, my body wanted to crash but I wouldn't let it till I was back in the bathroom. As soon as I made it in the bathroom my body fell to the ground.

When I woke up- yeah, surprise, surprise I didn't die- my body felt like shit but when I sat still I felt as great as could be. After a few cuts to my other wrist, just as deep and bloody, my body fell under and I guess I just went back to sleep.

When I woke up I looked at my phone, it had been on silent the entire time because I got tired of it continuing to ring and vibrate, I was glad I could silence something because I couldn't silence the knocks that kept beating against the front door every so often. Axel was here a majority of the time, and sometimes I could hear Tifa knocking too- Axel must have complained to her or something.

But I still wasn't dead yet, I knew I wasn't really trying all that hard- I mean, I couldn't ended it hours ago if I really tried- but I just kind of wanted to… rot… away. Blood was caked onto my wrists –on both arms- and hadn't been washed away or covered or taken care of in the slightest.

Moving I sat with my back against the wall and my knees up to my chest, I was sitting in the corner of the wall and bathtub and freezing my ass off but I didn't bother to cover up or try to make it warmer for me. Soon my phone was going to die and then –not too long after that- I probably would too.

Paying special attention to my right wrist I made sure to try and cut just as deep, but it was harder for some reason, like my left hand had more of a mind of its own. But that was just too bad. I stayed in that spot –in the corner where the wall and tub met- and I continued to aid in my rotting. The front of my beater was drenched and caked in blood, making the garment itchy –the same as it made my jeans- but that was the least of my worries because when I was awake, which was a lot more than I wanted because of the cold, I spent my time giving myself another cut and that was what knocked me under again.

If I kept up like this I'd be gone in no time.

Soon though I couldn't even bring myself to cut deep- if I could there was no new space to carve-, everything hurt when I woke up, my skin, wounds, bones, and stomach, my body had to be shutting down or close to it otherwise it wouldn't all hurt as bad. And not too long after that I found that I could barely even stay awake, like my body was trying to force me to sleep. But I over road my mind, you know when you want something real bad and you push towards it and set it all in motion and keep pressing it? I was doing that, and my body was not agreeing.

Slowly my body woke up, I looked at my phone- wanting to know the date- but the screen wouldn't light up, it had probably died a while ago. Looking up at the ceiling I spoke to myself, "I'm tired of rotting…" my voice was rough and cracked as I whispered but it's not like there was anyone to hear, I reached over to find my pack of razors, I'd tried to grab just one of the little pieces of metal out but instead my arm gave out and my hand collapsed on the side of the plastic container, sending razors flinging across the linoleum.

Smacking the ground a few times I managed to grab and pick up a razor, I forced myself up and to lean against the tub again and looked at my wrists, all the new cuts were horizontal on my wrists and there wasn't much room for me to cut anymore –on either wrist-, and even though I hadn't done it in a while, I held the blade differently and tried to cut vertically. Almost anyone can tell you that a vertical cut is much different from a horizontal one- when the cuts are on the wrist the difference is life or death, because the veins run vertically more damage can be done and less of it can be fixed surgically. But that's just what I wanted.

As I pulled the blade towards me I gasped and tried not to twitch from the pain, when the cut was what I would assume to be average length for me I was angry to find that the cut wasn't even a cut- it was a scratch. These cuts happen from time to time and I hate them, going for a full on cut and what you end up seeing is a scratch a piece of paper could do more harm than. My mind was getting fuzzy again though, my vision was the opposite of pinpoint- like the center of my vision was a black hole and everything around it was just blurry, no matter where I looked I couldn't look for very long because my eyes would blur more. The feeling of being pulled under water, save the water, where the feeling of being pulled back was clearly felt but not a weightless feeling as if actually falling.

The pain in my stomach from lack of food wasn't helping either, my head lolled down as my eyes no longer wished to stay open, my heart was frantically beating inside my chest, as if it was a mother screaming for the safety of her child. Stick a mentally not-okay teen in a bathroom with razors and the end result would be anything but 'safe' and my body knew that now, my mind raced almost as fast as my heart, the feeling of my heart beating in my neck, wrists, and chest was all I could feel, it was all I had to hold on to as my mind and soul felt like it was wrapping up in itself like a cocoon and slowly sinking into the hollowness I had thought I was holding at bay. My heart knew- it knew there wasn't going to be anymore after this, any feeling my body had became almost hyper sensitive as it felt as though I could feel the blood pushing through my body before, slowly, all the feelings disappeared. Before I could wait for the closing line from my heart my body shifted and plunged into the hollowness.

There was a loud noise, it wasn't in a pattern but it wasn't stopping either, the noise became clearer as I woke up, my eyes realized they were closed but I didn't have the energy to open them. My mind began to become less clouded and I realized it was banging I was hearing, I turned my head into my knees, wanting the sound to stop and let me go back to sleep, but to the nothingness, but it didn't and the more awake it made me the more I began to both question it and want it to go away.

And then there was a loud bang followed by the sound of metal being pulled and snapped, I squeezed my eyes shut but the banging had ceased and I finally felt I could return back to sleeping. But then I could have sworn I heard someone shout my name, as soon as I thought I heard it, it was gone and I processed it as a figment of my imagination. But then I heard a rather loud noise next to me and slowly I opened my eyes.

"Wha…" my voice faded as I saw someone standing in the doorway, and they could see me, bloody, starving, and probably looking like shit, they could see all my scars and they could see me for how I felt.

"Holy shit Rox..." have you figured out who it was yet? It's pretty obvious it was Axel, isn't it? He instantly was next to me and staring at my wrists, as if not knowing what to do, then he lifted my head and made me look at him as he spoke, "Rox, I gotta call an ambulance." Instantly I started shaking my head.

"No," I mumbled, trying to get away from him, I wasn't going to no damn hospital where they'd lock me up in a padded cell, and I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere- this was supposed to be my death spot, not have-Axel-save-your-ass… again… spot. "Stop," he wasn't listening to me though, his hand went into his pocket and he pulled out his phone, I put my hand over his and tried to push it down but he was talking to me as if he didn't hear my protest.

"I'm going to call an ambulance," he spoke in an almost frantic voice, "They'll patch up your wrists… everything's going to be fine Rox," it sounded more like he was trying to calm himself down rather than me.

Using the strength I had acquired from my almost-dead sleep I grabbed the collar of his shirt and gave it a tug, "Don't," he stopped and stared at me as if hearing me for the first time, I tried to stare back at him but all my eyes wanted to do was close. "I don't…" my arm was getting heavy, slowly I pulled it back to me and curled up around my wrists, taking in a deep breath I forced out my words, and even though they were slurred and quiet I knew he could hear, "No ambulance…"

I felt Axel shift, realizing for the first time that my eyes had drawn closed, my body felt like it was floating and nonexistent till I felt a long and narrow pressure on my back, the same pressure going under my knees. My mind slowly connected that it was Axel picking me up, where we were going I didn't know but I also didn't really care. Even though I knew I was about to fall asleep again I tried to stay awake, my eyes refused to open and instead my body's reactions halted and all of my movements relaxed, but I wanted to be awake, so my body functioned on the thought of:_ just a few more seconds, right after this, just after this… _

My head felt heavy. Slowly I opened one eye and then the other, the place was completely strange and my first thought was, "How did I get here?" not, "Where am I?" which I found strange, but as I stared up at the white ceiling I tried not to freak out. Was I in a hospital, did Axel, even after everything he knew I didn't want him to do- did he take me to get locked up? There was a blanket over top me and my skin no longer itched like I had a blood soaked beater on, the cold I had been suffering in was gone and the only thing reminding me that it wasn't all a dream was the pain in my wrists.

Turning my head I looked to see I wasn't in a hospital, it looked like I was in someone's living room, and sitting there with that concerned look on his face was Axel, as soon as he saw me move he jumped over to my side and kneeled down beside me, I must have been on a couch or something. "Hey Rox," he brushed the bangs out of my face, I didn't say anything but continued to gaze at the far wall of the room, as if Axel could read my mind he spoke, "I brought you to Tifa's place…"

Slowly I nodded my head and even though my limbs felt a little tingly I used my hands to sit up, my face contorting in pain from the strain against my wrists, before scooting my butt back to the far end, all the while Axel was watching me. Staring down at the blanket I waited for Axel to say something, to do anything, because there was no way in hell I was going to start something. His voice was quiet as he spoke, "Roxas… were you trying to kill yourself?" his tone took the sting out of his words but I didn't want to answer him, instead I pulled my knees up to my chest and sat as closed up as I could.

He sat on the couch but I could feel his stare on me, he didn't say anything like he was expecting an answer, he pretty much already knew that it was a definite yes so I didn't feel the need to verbally say it. Sighing as he shifted he spoke again, "Alright…" he looked off to the side for a moment before speaking again, "Rox, where's your mother or Xemnas?" shrugging my shoulders was my only response.

"If you don't tell me then I'm not going to know Rox…" his tone was just as gentle as ever when he knew I was two seconds from bleeding my body dry, he coaxed me a little more before I finally gave in.

"I don't know…" that's what my shrugs had meant but he probably already knew that, he was probably just trying to get me to say something.  
"When was the last time you saw her?"

I looked from one wall to the other, looking over Axel's head to avoid looking at him, swallowing hard I answered quietly, "Thursday…" he nodded his head like he understood but he didn't. "She's not coming back." My words were blunt but my tone revealed the hurt I felt. Axel shifted a little before speaking.

"What makes you say that?"

Moving the blanket I looked at my wrists, which were now probably cleaned because they were wrapped neatly in gauze and tape, I put them back on my lap and stared at my knees, "It doesn't matter…" I didn't want Axel to know yet here he was acting like my therapist or something. He stayed quiet for a few seconds before he asked again while adding on that he thought it did matter. "She told me…" that she could never love me, that she hated me, that she was tired of pretending.

Axel nodded his head before he spoke again, "And this?" he had been leaning close to me for a while now, which I wished was closer, he slowly moved his hand and grabbed my arm above my wrist, "Did this have anything to do with that?" my only response was a shrug. "Rox…" his voice sounded a little upset, "I'm really worried about you…"

"I don't know why," my voice was suddenly a lot stronger.

"Yes you do, because I care about you, I want to know why you did this?" then again, so was Axel's.

The anger I felt when I was talking with Keyakku came back and I instantly screamed at Axel, "It's none of your God damned business, just leave me alone," I didn't care what I was wearing, I didn't care if I was butt naked, I threw off the blanket and practically ran to the door that looked like an exit, and then up the stairs and back to the apartment. Once upstairs I slammed the door and made my way to the bathroom, when I opened the door I was surprised to see that my razors no longer scattered the floor, opening the cupboards under the sink I pulled out the sheets and towels in hopes of finding my razor box magically inside, but I didn't see anything.

And then I heard a noise next to me and I jumped as I snapped my head in the door's direction and found a pair of thin black covered legs, I looked up at Axel, "What'd you do with my stuff?" my voice was far from kind, and when Axel didn't answer quick enough I stood up and stared at him. He had no right to touch my stuff, he had no right to throw it away or hide it or whatever it was he did with it, he had to understand that these things were mine and I needed them, I needed my razors.

"I put it where it belongs," his voice was clear like he was set on what he had done.

"Where'd you put them?" pushing past him I went into my bedroom, looking around to find it was pretty much still spotless, so my razors weren't in there, when I turned around Axel was standing not even two inches from me. "What'd you do with them?" again I asked and my voice was definitely not kind.

Axel's voice was just the same as mine, if not a little calmer, "It doesn't matter," I shoved past him and into the kitchen, looking in the trash can to find nothing, I stepped over broken glass looked in the drawers and cupboards, but everything was empty.

"Yes it does," I turned around to find him, again, practically on top of me, "I need them- now where'd you put them?" crouching down I opened another cupboard, reaching in to feel around because I couldn't see anything. I took in for the first time the very short sleeved blue shirt I was wearing, it seemed like a nurses scrubs or something, and my pants were the same. There was nothing in the cupboard but I managed to bang my wrist on the door when I pulled my hand out.

"Be careful…" Axel's voice was gentle again.

"No, tell me where you put my razors!" I stood there, much shorter than Axel but still staring up at him like I'd land him flat on his ass if he didn't answer me, my body was cold and the alcohol I had stepped in wasn't helping.

"I threw them away."

"What?" my voice cracked, if I hadn't be angry beforehand then I definitely was now, putting my hands up I shoved Axel because he wasn't answering me fast enough, "Why would you do that? I need them-."

"So you can do this more?" he grabbed onto my arms, just below my wrists and held my hands still in front of my face so I could see the bandages that were already becoming soaked through with my blood.

"Let… go," I tried wiggling away, my anger still clearly present, but Axel didn't even budge.

"No! Tell me, what do you need the razors for?" he was staring at me and I was staring right back, "So you can hurt yourself more?" he shook my arms as if for emphasis, "So you can kill yourself?"

His words made me flinch, along with his tone but he was quick to comment on it, "That's what would have happened if you'd cut one more time, you know it and I can tell you were trying to!" again I tried pulling my arms out of his hold.

"Let go, just leave me alone… let… go…" I tried to pry my arms away but Axel acted like I wasn't even doing anything. "Just butt out!"

"No! Not until you talk to me! Not until you tell me why you think you need to hurt yourself!" his voice made me jump a bit but I quickly recovered.

"It doesn't matter!"

"Just tell me!"

"Tell you what?" I pushed against him and with success, this time, I managed to put a little distance between the two of us and remove his hands from my arms. "That my mother left, no- that she disowned me?" my screams ripped at my throat but I kept yelling through my cracking voice, "That I finally thought she cared and when I tried to tell her that Xemnas was actually going to rape me, she told me the truth?" Axel didn't seem at all surprised.

"What'd she tell you?" his voice was calm as he took a slow step towards me, watching me like he was terrified I was going to bolt. But with his step forward I took a step back.

My heart was beating against my sternum, no matter how fast I breathed I couldn't bring in enough oxygen, "Why do you care! It doesn't matter," he tipped his head a bit in response and raised his eyebrows in only a way Axel could and I felt like someone had taken a potato peeler to my heart- in a not good way. "It's what you and Rikku and what everyone else was thinking! She doesn't give a shit about me, you happy now?" but I wasn't done on my new little rant yet. "She told me that," a harsh laugh formed as I thought back and repeated what she said, "That she couldn't make kids right because she couldn't stand me, that she'd try to care for me and thought if she pretended long enough then maybe she would learn to- and then she finally decided that nope!"

Again that harsh laugh left my throat as my eyes burned and I continued to slowly back away from Axel, "She not only realized she could never manage to care for me as her child- but a human being, because she hates me that much!" Axel was watching me, his face was hard to read. It was neither calm not angry, "So, yeah, I hope your happy," I held my hands up at my sides, "She left and she told me I was no longer her son- she's never coming back," instantly I turned around and stomped to the bathroom.

Locking the bathroom door I fell against it, my breath was coming out like I had run a marathon and what I really needed was a cut, deep and gruesome, to get rid of the feelings. Instantly I fell the floor and looked around, Axel must have missed something, he must have missed a razor somewhere- it was a little obvious he didn't sweep the razor's up so there had to have been one missed somewhere. There was a knock on the door.

"Rox… you know that's not what I wanted…" his voice was gentle again but as I sat on the floor I could only try to calm my breathing. He continued to speak while I continued to look for another razor, "I just wanted you to talk to me… I care about you… I don't want to lose you Rox…" and then there were tears in my eyes while my hand closed around a razor standing against the base of the toilet.

All I wanted was for someone to care, I wanted someone to care if I was okay, to ask questions if I wasn't, Axel was doing all of the things I ever wanted, but it was already too late, wasn't it? Sitting with my back against the door I listened as he continued to talk. "Listen, Rox… I'm sorry your mom left, I'm sorry about what she said…"

"It's not your fault," I mumbled through silent tears, I began unraveling the gauze and letting it fall on my legs while sitting cross legged. "She just… never told me before," I curled up, "She finally stopped lying…"

Axel was quiet for a few seconds, and I didn't mind, I stared at my blood stained wrists, all the scars showing more brightly, I glanced at the words written there and how they had scarred as if my skin had been gouged out. Taking in the cuts that had yet to scab over, I heard Axel slowly begin talking.

"Rox…" he took a deep breath, "Your mother… she's not right in the head- she shouldn't have said those things," it was like he was trying to convince me while I shook my head but didn't bother to reply. "Your mother doesn't have herself together, otherwise she wouldn't have…" there was a long pause, "She would have…" he paused again, "Otherwise she would have been sensible enough to realize she couldn't probably care for you…"

Which was just a nice way of saying she would have let me go and stay with Rikku or put me up for adoption or something because, again, she couldn't care for me when she didn't love me. Quickly I wiped my eyes and cheeks to get rid of the tears. There was a reason I tried to rot in the bathroom, and that reason was coming back into view.

My mother hated me, Xemnas used me without my consent, and, hell, even Rikku accepted my words that everything was just fine even when I wanted her to see through my lies, but the reason I sat on the bathroom floor and held a razor to my wrist was my own fault. I'd fucked up every chance to make my life better, all while thinking my life needed to be better- that it wasn't good enough for me… it was stupid.

"Roxas," the minutes of quiet were no long gone, "Open the door." His voice sounded urgent but I didn't reply, the razor was still in my hand and I was still going to end this- there had just been too much wrong for anything to go right, and I was not going to be the one to bring all these problems into Ventus' life. Out of everything I could never do for anyone, and that would be something I at least could provide for Ventus.

There was a loud knock on the door, vibrating the piece of wood and jolting me from my thoughts, "Roxas!" his voice wasn't mean nor angry, but eager, "Please, open the door."

"Why?" my voice was quiet.

"Please? I just… come back down with me to Tifa's," his voice almost sounded desperate. It would only take me a few seconds to do enough damage to not be savable, right?

"I- I'll be out in a minute…"

He was quiet, and I closed my eyes instead of counting the seconds, "Alright… I'll give you a minute…" I heard him back away from the door and I eyed the razor.

Another cut would barely hurt- it would fix everything and end all of this. I just had to go through with it… but what about what Axel said? He said he cared about me, he said he didn't want to lose me… no, no I had to go through with this. Axel was only saying those things because he didn't want my death on his conscious, once he could go back with his mom he would forget about me.

He only ever called me once while he was gone, and that's while he was unable to go anywhere and stuck in a building, so he'd probably never even call when he could go where ever and talk to whomever he pleased. I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts, Axel would be fine if I died, he'd be fine just like my mother, just like Rikku, and just like Ventus. The only one would probably get pissed would be Xemnas, just because he didn't get to kill me with his own hands.

Dreams never happened for me. Never once did I think- when I grow up I want to be a fill-in-the-blank. I never knew what I wanted to do because I always just knew there wouldn't be much of a life for me, I always knew it would be cut short. The only thing I ever wanted was to have a family- yeah, laugh all you want, but I just wanted to adopt kids who had shitty lives and make a new and better life for them but there was no way I could ever do that. There was no way I could ever save anyone or even remotely help them. So I don't know why I ever bothered to dream that.

There would be no dreams to crush, there's nothing to look forward to, and no one to hurt. Therefore my death would be fine- I could do this.  
Moving the razor in my hands I placed it against my wrist, taking a deep breath like I always did before a cut, and pressed the corner down right by my vein, the razor was vertical to my wrist and the cut would be too, I breathed a few more times, my heart was racing in my chest, my palms were getting sweaty. I took in the feeling of being clammy- something I wasn't thrilled about-, I took in the blood smell that filled the room and the quietness that surrounded me. Pushing a little harder I slowly opened my eyes, _one… two… three_.

A hard slam on the door forced me forward, the blade pinched my wrist before leaving the area with my hand, "Roxas, minute's up, open the door now," his voice sounded definite, I slowly began pressing the blade back against my wrist, "Roxas- if you don't open the door I will break it down," he knocked hard on it again. Dropping the razor on the floor I stood up, "Open it, now," he started jiggling the handle and with another loud slam I knew he was going to smash through it if he really tried.

Quickly I grabbed the doorknob and unlocked it, "I need another minute," I opened the door a bit and hid behind it, Axel looked me in the eye, his face was blank of any emotion but serious just the same, he looked up and to the side a bit, he shifted his weight and spoke.

"Why'd you take the bandages off?"

My eyes shot down a bit to look at his tattoos, his frown clearly visible while the rest of his face was set. "I- I didn't," he cut me off.

He reached in in an attempt to grab my arm that was hidden behind me, I tried to slam the door shut but his foot was blocking the way and instead he pushed the door back open, "Show me," I groaned inwardly, it was that tone again. The one he used when he was going to keep pestering me till he got his way- like when he wanted to clean my arm and decided to sit me on the toilet lid like a child in time out.

Slowly I brought my hand out from behind my back while rolling my eyes, "I was just looking… okay?" he grabbed my wrist and looked at it intensely.

"Let me see the other one?"

Without a second thought I opened the door a bit and held out my other arm, "See, I was just looking," my hand wasn't out for him to grab but he was still staring at it then his gaze shifted to my eyes. "W…what?" my voice was nervous, Axel's expression didn't change –it stayed completely serious, frown and all-. He tried to walk in but I quickly blocked him, "Why don't you wait down at Tifa's or something," I tried to cover up, he continued looking at me before looking around.

"Where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"Why did you cut yourself?"

Instantly I shook my head, "Why did you take my razors?" I crossed my arms for a second before I realized that it hurt way too much to do that.

"I thought," he quickly defended, a tone in his voice, "I took them all… you found another one…" it wasn't a question, it was an observation and I have no idea how the hell he figured it out.

"Just," I started, "Go back downstairs or something," but instead of waiting for me to finish speaking he started pushing into the bathroom again, and I pushed back. "No, just, stop," I tried to push back but he was easily in the bathroom, the door opened all the way and I stood against the counter while Axel stood next to me. He looked down when he stepped on something and I hightailed it out of the bathroom. There was no way I was going to be next to him when I realized what he stepped on was my bandages, because then he'd look down and see my razor right next to it, I opened the door, my heart jumping around in my chest as I saw a blur of red and black come around the bathroom corner.

Slamming the front door as I quickly ran down the stairs, afraid I was going to fall in the process, but my heart was fluttering in my chest at a speed like that of a hummingbird's wings. As my hands slid down the walls of the stairs I looked back to see Axel chasing after me, I jumped over the last few steps and opened the door, Axel was practically on top of me now, but as I ripped open the door Axel had to grab it instead of me or he would have gotten hit in the face. I ran out and jumped off the porch, not caring about the stairs or the stones… or the snow.

My feet instantly moved faster once they were covered in snow, I didn't know where I was going I just wanted to get away from Axel- from anyone who would try to stop me. My lungs burned from the cold air, my ribs cramped from my rapid running, my knees began to burn, all while my feet began to catch fire from the freezing cold, the scrubs were light weight but they didn't help the fact that it was freezing.  
Something caught around my mind section but I tried to keep running, instead my footing was lost and my knees slammed to the ground followed by my hands- the pain shot up my arms from my wrists. Axel landed on top of me. Using my feet even though I was under him I tried to push away, I tried to keep running, but he wouldn't let up, "Roxas," he grunted, "Roxas!" he grabbed my shoulder and turned me over so I was on my back while he was on his hands and knees over top me.

"No," I tried to push his hands away from me, "Leave me alone!" even though it was clear I wasn't going to be getting anywhere we still fought in a mangle of arms and me kneeing him in many of places.

"No," he grunted again as I almost threw off his balance with my arm and leg, he shoved my shoulder back into the cold and compact snow,

"I'm not letting you do this," he grumbled as I tried to shimmy away, he pulled me back down so I was under him again.

"Stop!" I screamed when his hand brushed past my cuts, zapping the cuts that resided there, "Just let me die!" I finally screamed.  
Axel stopped struggling with me and I with him. He placed his hand next to my head to help support him while he watched my face, his own showing concern, "No… Rox…" his voice was soft, "Why do you want to die?"

My own voice was uneven and cracking and just unpleasant compared to his, "I might as well," my eyes were starting to tear again but my wrists hurt too much for me to want to move my arms. "It's not like it's going to affect anyone if I do," I took a small breath to stop from making my crying more vocal than it already was, "No one cares if I disappear so I'd be better off if I just,"

"Don't say that," he cut me off, there was an even more angry frown on his face that matched his drawn in eyebrows that made it clear to even an autistic child that he was not happy. "You know people care- your sister, Keyakku, and Ventus all care about you…" he shifted and used his cold and now wet –from the snow- hand to brush a tear in the corner of my eye, "You know I care about you…" he was quiet for a second while I sat there and tried to regulate my breathing while getting ahold of my emotions.

"Do you really want to die?" his voice was quiet but I couldn't answer, instead I looked off to the side while continuing to try and get ahold of my breathing. I didn't want to die- no, it just seemed like the thing I should do.

"I just…" my voice was shaky but Axel waited for me to finished talking, "I just don't want to live like this…" I choked on my tears that I thought I had been over, "I don't want to do this anymore, I'm tired of it… I just… can't…" Moving my hands I laid my arms across my face, wanting to hide- to hide my pain, to hide my frustration, to hide my problems. Silencing my cries in my elbows I tried to get ahold of myself, I realized when I cried- it was almost always out of aggravation but even when I knew that it didn't make it harder to stop.

Axel moved but I didn't move myself till he spoke, "Come on… we'll get you back to Tifa's…" slowly I nodded my head and moved my arms, his hand was held out to me but when I reached for it he took it in his opposite hand and used the hand I was reaching for to grab my arm above my wounds. He'd succeeded in making them not hurt any more than they already did. "Here," he shrugged out of his black hoodie and threw it over my shoulders, allowing me to huddle up in it, he quickly zipped it shut while I shifted from foot to foot because of the snow under my feet.  
"Come on…" he said again, but when I began walking I was surprised when he picked me up. Not I'm-going-to-carry-you-like-a-sack-of-potatoes-or- an-over-grown-two-year-old sort of picked up but rather in a style most commonly referred to as- bridal style, just like romance addicts craved in the movies, to be swept off their feet. But when my feet left the ground I was more shocked than awed, my body was not used to that and I tried to sit up while staring in shock at Axel, he only smirked, "Did you want to walk?"

Silently I shook my head and allowed him to shift me in his hold, I was a teenager- an underweight one, but a teenager!- he made it seem like it was easy, but after the first few steps he took I didn't really care, it was warm in his blanket of a hoodie and he was warmer than the hoodie and my feet were no longer still snow. The sound his footsteps made as they stepped onto the porch caught my attention a few minutes later.

I thought he'd put me down since there was no snow on the porch but he kept holding me, so I opened the door and once we were on the carpet was when he set me down. "Go inside, and sit on the couch, we can talk when I come in," I stared at him, he pulled out his cigarettes and held them up for me to see, slowly I nodded my head but before I went inside I unzipped the hoodie and gave it back to him. He chuckled and grabbed it from my hand as I slowly opened Tifa's door, looking around and not finding her in sight before I continued to walk to and then sit on the couch.

There was a covered window on the far wall, slowly I walked over and looked out to see Axel standing on the porch with his back to me, cigarette in hand, it wasn't until it was over that I realized he was on the phone with someone (that being the it that was over), as he flicked his cigarette I went back over to the couch. He walked in and shut the door behind him, finding me sitting with one leg under me and the other bent up in front of myself. "Alright… we're going to talk… and I might need you to hear me out… okay?"

_**So I really don't know what's wrong with my computer, but NOTHING on my computer will work except Word... which is brilliant and I love that at least that works, but this whole copying-the-chapter-onto-a-flash-drive-and-then-co pying-it-onto-my-step-father's-computer isn't going to work much longer because for both this chapter and the one before I've had to go through and add all the Enters that weren't copied over, and italicizes words because that doesn't go over either. And uh... I didn't really do that last part, it's too hot and I'm too lazy so I didn't italicize everything that originally was in italics... but uh... close enough...**_

_**Also, notice anything new? I decided to give the different paragraph for a new speaker idea, tell me if you like it otherwise I might just... not... do it anymore. Specifically to Lime Gap and everyone else who recommended this writing style, what do you think?**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews :DDD **_

_**As a reward (sorta) have a long ass chapter :3 **_

_**The next chapter will be the last, just f.y.i.. **_

_**Uploaded: July 18th, 2013**_


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